INFJ-ISFJ Relationships

M

Mogura

Community Member
MBTI
INFJ
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Dunno
So, have you ever been in a relationship with an ISFJ? Inquiring minds would like to know:
  • What aspects of the relationship or your partner did you appreciate the most?
  • What aspects of the relationship or your partner did you appreciate the least?
  • What were the common themes (if any) during your disagreements/arguments (if applicable)?
  • What ISFJ-specific strategies did you succesfully employ to make things work?
  • What kept you together/what broke you up (if applicable)?
For reference, ISFJs' primary cognitive processes are as follows: Si>Fe>Ti>Ne. INFJs share the same auxilliary and tertiary processes. But ISFJs' are Si dominant, which can make arguments with them really suck (Like Santa, they maintain a mental naughty and nice list which they will take to the grave. Lol).

Anyway, looking forward to your replies...
 
Mogura said:
But ISFJs' are Si dominant, which can make arguments with them really suck (Like Santa, they maintain a mental naughty and nice list which they will take to the grave. Lol).
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This is very true but i don't think it's a problem. If you acknowledge their right to believe the things on their list and in my experience they invariably accept your right to not believe them. Simply avoid debates on these subjects and they are lovely people.
 
Poetic Injustice said:
This is very true but i don't think it's a problem. If you acknowledge their right to believe the things on their list and in my experience they invariably accept your right to not believe them. Simply avoid debates on these subjects and they are lovely people.
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What if the things on the list don't accurately reflect reality? Of course, there is always the "he said/she said" factor, but what if they attach so many mental constructs to a given situation or event, that its true nature is obscured?
 
Unfortonately she transferred last year, but I became very good friends with an ISFJ my junior year of college. We got along SO well. It was largely because we shared a lot of core similarities with what we wanted in life, and how we viewed people. Yet we approached it from different angles. In the end we intrinsically "got" each other, and we often had A LOT of fun together.

I have met a few no-so-good ISFJ's, but most that I meet I rather like. I get along with most SJ's as a general rule. Mind you close friendship is not common, but it does happen. When it does it's long lasting (as opposed to my NP friends; I befriend them much quicker, but I don't usually stay friends with them for long).
 
Mogura said:
What if the things on the list don't accurately reflect reality? Of course, there is always the "he said/she said" factor, but what if they attach so many mental constructs to a given situation or event, that its true nature is obscured?
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What makes you think it's not you that is wrong about the things on the list? Who's point of view is the right one?

An ISFJ will likely believe some things that you don't agree with and WILL NOT BUDGE from this belief. Any attempt to change their mind will be met with world class stubbornness.

We all obscure events with mental constructs. Thats how our brain work. Theirs might not match yours. Accept this and you'll be fine.

If you are on of those poeple who absolutely has to convince everyone of your point of view you will not get along with ISFJ's.

I guess it depends on what the things on their list are. If it's that all children should be beaten to within an inch of their life every wednesday then I would suggest giving them a wide birth.

If, like one of my good friends it's that she believes in ghosts then thats just fine. We can still discuss it. I just don't try to provide her with evidence that they don't exist and don't pick holes in her arguments regarding this.

She is also a vegetarian but eats fish. I tried to discuss what she thought the difference was and why it's ok to eat fish but not beef. Dead end. that is clearly on her list. thats fine. I simply won't ask her to state what she believes the difference to be again

You don't need to convince all your friends of your beliefs. If you do, it's probably best to avoid relationships with ISFJ's
 
ISFJ's are pretty good people to be friends with, I think.

I think they tend to get overlooked by other personalities and feel left-out of things, where an INFJ is capable of seeing them fully for who they are, as we are capable of seeing all personality types for what they are. Going further than that, what we value in a personality is often exemplified by an ISFJ. Their only pitfall is perhaps close-mindedness where we are very open-minded. Don't bother telling one they are not open-minded, they'll say they are. Sure, they are open-minded for verifiable factual input that they *feel* like listening to. Which is to say they are open-minded if they are on good terms with you, and you're discussing something they haven't yet considered. Once they've decided on something, though, anything short of a mathematical proof that you can demonstrate without using formulas (since they don't like theories) will be insufficient to convince them otherwise.

I just like to make-fun because I have an ISFJ friend. You have to learn how to get along with them in order to avoid arguments.
 
They are some some the sweetest people I've ever meet as long as you avoid anything to serious discussion wise.
 
I know an ISFJ, and she's very nurturing and loving - always considerate, puts others first before herself. She is very accommodating, but tends to be very absolute in her thinking - holds strongly to her beliefs almost without question. But as someone said, is willing to listen and consider different views if they are close and trust you.
 
I think what makes their close mindedness acceptable is the fact they don't mind if you don't agree with them. So long as you don't mind that they don't agree with you
 
I will be discussing friendship if that's ok. My best friend is an ISFJ. I agree with the comments here, better not to start a debate as we both hate to lose and firmly believe our own stands. However, my friend will usually give way to me. Haha.
She's pretty loyal and trustworthy. Not much of a bitch-y streak.
We both agree that we are weirdos.
I think we appreciate each other as we are always there for each other.
 
I haven't been in a relationship with an ISFJ, but one of my two best friends is an ISFJ. We have known each other for 17 years and he is the closest to a brother I have.

We have great conversations about people. I find his down-to-earth approach refreshing and it helps me get insights that wouldn't come natural to me otherwise. His forte is stating what happened, while I tend to jump to why it happed, perhaps too quickly sometimes. He also wants to help everyone with everything in every way he can. Sometimes a bit too much for his own good.

When it comes to spiritual conversations, they are mostly one-way. Me doing the talking and him listening. He is genuinely interested though, asking questions and maybe even reading a book or two, but there is no way this will affect his world view in any way. I have no problem with this, but at first I thought it was actually kind of weird.

In all, he is probably the kindest person I have ever met.

I'm curious about how the difficulties of a romantic relationship should be handled. A friendhip relation is obviously less demanding. (I actually met an ISFJ woman at the dance last week that I'm kind of anxious to see again.)
 
YHWH said:
ISFJs are mindbogglingly BORING. If you enjoy excruciating boredom, commit.
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The reverse of this is ISFP's, who are not boring at all. Thusly, I'd avoid them at all costs until they're at least 30 or so. 40 to be safe. ;P
 
I knew an ISFJ in highschool. She was one of the nicest people I knew there. She was really well liked, but you could tell she had to make do with all the attention people were giving her. She was always quiet and polite, always handing things in early or on time, and really organized. I didn't hang out with her enough to really know her, though.
 
an ISFJ I know is pretty....immature / underdeveloped. He is pretty kind and helpful to others, and often very meek, but he still has an emotional streak that's easily abused and/or provoked. And about being provoked, aside for the relative easiness, he often has a 'us-or-them' mentality, which probably is related to his closemindedness. According to a friend he also employs a sort of temper tantrum-emotional blackmail when upset. :|

But another one is very good. He seems dependable and responsible, very attentive and polite, but you know underneath there is a resolution like stone pillar. He would make a very good father. He's with an ESFJ friend of mine, so I'm glad. :|

I've got to say, poke a blind side of them with Ni, and you can see something / someone stumbling over very hilariously.
 
Well I like ISFJ's a lot. Their shortfalls are just a symptom of their strengths. I'm sure there's terrible ones out there, but I haven't met them.
 
It appears between INFJ and ISFJ a chance for at least a cordial relationship is pretty high? Due to their 2nd and 3rd functions are the same, so practically both types act pretty similarly?
 
Mogura said:
So, have you ever been in a relationship with an ISFJ? Inquiring minds would like to know:
  • What aspects of the relationship or your partner did you appreciate the most?
  • What aspects of the relationship or your partner did you appreciate the least?
  • What were the common themes (if any) during your disagreements/arguments (if applicable)?
  • What ISFJ-specific strategies did you succesfully employ to make things work?
  • What kept you together/what broke you up (if applicable)?
For reference, ISFJs' primary cognitive processes are as follows: Si>Fe>Ti>Ne. INFJs share the same auxilliary and tertiary processes. But ISFJs' are Si dominant, which can make arguments with them really suck (Like Santa, they maintain a mental naughty and nice list which they will take to the grave. Lol).

Anyway, looking forward to your replies...
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I am an INFJ married to an ISFJ (hence the creative username I chose). We have been married for three years, and got married at age 20. Basically, I have never felt better understood or more loved in the entirety of my existence than the few years we have been together. It took me just a few short months when we dated to better understand his sense of humor and the things he liked. I have to admit, that I found him incredibly boring and simple when I first met him, which was arrogant and judgmental of me to assume. Complexity does not determine a person's value or intelligence. I find that my husband's strengths are also many of my weaknesses, and I admire him for so many of his redeeming qualities. I found that our early relationship, he tried to understand me (he often said that trying to get to know me was like trying to run up and down the stairs of a building to find out what level I was on), and I tried to learn about him, and match myself to suit what he needed (which of course I thoroughly enjoyed, he needs plenty of encouragement, praise, and affirmation). Our married life consists of us both striving to do what the other likes. We both feel that we have truly grasped what makes the other feel loved. I appreciate that my husband is deeply concerned for my emotions and well-being (he is a medical student now, so he is always preoccupied studying my health) and he appreciates that I try hard to keep him happy, I am currently learning to cook to help him through med school, and do all the cleaning, as well as give him time to study and verbal support to get him through school. If everything is well in life, we don't bicker and normally don't fight. If we do argue, it is usually short lived and because one of us snapped at the other, and we are quick to apologize. I find that my husband's gentleness, deep compassion, and dedication makes him such a wonderful partner. The only characteristics that I find challenging (yet endearing) are that he is NOT wired to interpret auditory input, he can be a great listener when emotions are involved, but he is more of a kinesthetic learner. Speaking directly to him and making eye contact, I can ask him what he wants for dinner and he won't hear me. Another trait that is not really characteristic of ISFJ's is that he has a horrible memory. He can't remember anything before the age of 10, and usually can't recall what he did last week. So I find it pretty humorous that ISFJ are supposed to have an amazing memory; I suppose it is just proof that we are all individuals and even the most scientific or detailed personality description is inadequate.

In a nutshell, he is incredibly intelligent (I really hate braggers, but to give perspective he got a 41 on his MCAT and currently top of his class in med school), extremely loyal, sensitive, sort of whiny sometimes :), he is a hypochondriac, he works hard, is conservative but still open minded, and definitely a family guy. I am pretty idealistic, but I gotta say, he's pretty much what every wife would want, he is romantic, he does what he can to help out, and he writes me love notes. One thing he's working on is his temper (he can get kinda fussy)... he needs a lot of TLC.
 
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