INFJ + INTJ = !?!??

[tereza]

Having recently had my heart pushed to to extremes by an INTJ, I'm curious to hear if anyone has anything to share about them?

Personally, I'm not one who wears my heart on my sleeve (when it comes to romance) and when a relationship ends, 10 out of 10 times I won't resist it. I might ask them to reconsider, perhaps shed a few tears and then turn my back on them forever. Sometimes they come back, but they might as well be dead to me. But with this one INTJ guy...
Geez louise.

He makes my intuitive side go nuts because I can tell that he's attracted to me, but I can't explain why I feel it. Something in his actions? Voice? I don't know, it's just there. Yet he refuses to give "us" a chance. He'll list off reasons why I am completely wrong for him, but oddly enough, those reasons come across as him projecting inadequacies of his own. It's weird. All I have are these gut feelings about him and when I talk to people about it, they think I'm nuts. Anyone else experience something like this?

Anyway. I'm not looking for hope because I've already put myself out there. He still resists the idea of it and all I can do is move on (though if he changed his mind I'd still give him a chance). Still, I'm curious to hear the experiences of others. The good, the bad and the ugly.

 

[Shai Gar]

No experience dating a robot. Perhaps if you want the relationship to succeed you should start giving him reasons you want the relationship to start. Hell, start it yourself.

 

[tereza]

Heh.
There is a mechanical quality about them. I remember him once telling me about an experience he called "life changing", but he spoke about it from an outsider's perspective.

Perhaps if you want the relationship to succeed you should start giving him reasons you want the relationship to start.

Did that.

Hell, start it yourself.

Hmm. I don't believe it's something you can do on your own.

 

[CokeNut]

I don't get it ... why would this be hard? Should INFJ and INTJ not be that far apart?

 

[tereza]

I thought it'd be easy too. I suppose the biggest issue right now is the physical distance and the fact that he had a rather horrible experience with the long distance thing.

Also, it seems that we both are rather negative when it comes to this romance stuff. He interprets my aloofness as a rejection and then closes himself off. I then assume he's rejecting me and put up a wall. The extra aloofness forces him to go into extreme robot mode and he comes to the conclusion that a relationship can never work. Which sucks, because it doesn't matter if I can disprove his reasons, because he'll just resist it even more.

Oh and I don't know for sure about him, but I know that I'm horrible about showing emotions to the ones I care for. I know past boyfriends used to try to make me jealous because it was the only way they'd get an emotional reaction that showed how intensely I cared.

 

[gokartride]

I confess I have trouble figuring dating out at all, regardless of type.

 

[Lurker]

Kay, gonna go a bit nuts here cause I only just read the post and want to respond to a few different points :roll:

Firstly, I understand your dilemma and feel for you, that kind of emotional roller coster ain't fun.

Having recently had my heart pushed to to extremes by an INTJ, I'm curious to hear if anyone has anything to share about them?

Personally, I'm not one who wears my heart on my sleeve (when it comes to romance) and when a relationship ends, 10 out of 10 times I won't resist it. I might ask them to reconsider, perhaps shed a few tears and then turn my back on them forever. Sometimes they come back, but they might as well be dead to me. But with this one INTJ guy...
Geez louise.

He makes my intuitive side go nuts because I can tell that he's attracted to me, but I can't explain why I feel it. Something in his actions? Voice? I don't know, it's just there. Yet he refuses to give "us" a chance. He'll list off reasons why I am completely wrong for him, but oddly enough, those reasons come across as him projecting inadequacies of his own. It's weird. All I have are these gut feelings about him and when I talk to people about it, they think I'm nuts. Anyone else experience something like this?

Gut feelings/intuition exists, our blessed Ni tells us unseen things :? From the other side I can say what you've written about the way you reacted sounds like something I'd do.

Is he going out of his way to give you a list that he secretly wants you to counter or is it a matter of you're still in contact with him anyway so he has to explain things?

Anyway. I'm not looking for hope because I've already put myself out there. He still resists the idea of it and all I can do is move on (though if he changed his mind I'd still give him a chance). Still, I'm curious to hear the experiences of others. The good, the bad and the ugly.

I can say from my point of view, I see very quickly the possibility of failure in a relationship and withdraw, once that has happened it's over for me and if I did have feelings for the guy I enter self-presevation mode and don't allow myself to get any closer. Breaking through that barrier is damn near impossible once I've shut down as my feelings for the other person actually change.

No experience dating a robot. Perhaps if you want the relationship to succeed you should start giving him reasons you want the relationship to start. Hell, start it yourself.

False (sometimes perpetuated by INTJs) stereotype IMHO, not showing emotion is different to being a robot and not having any.

I don't get it ... why would this be hard? Should INFJ and INTJ not be that far apart?

Types can be similar, they can relate, they can even compliment one another but that's the types not the individuals. And by the looks of things both types can be extremely emotionally defensive which would make it a hard mix without stella communication.

I thought it'd be easy too. I suppose the biggest issue right now is the physical distance and the fact that he had a rather horrible experience with the long distance thing.

Also, it seems that we both are rather negative when it comes to this romance stuff. He interprets my aloofness as a rejection and then closes himself off. I then assume he's rejecting me and put up a wall. The extra aloofness forces him to go into extreme robot mode and he comes to the conclusion that a relationship can never work. Which sucks, because it doesn't matter if I can disprove his reasons, because he'll just resist it even more.

So that makes it terribly difficult, been in a similar situation myself and when you combine the misunderstandings that arise from distance and with hurt feelings and the resulted automatic shut down you have many factors working against you. I hate not being in control of my emotions to begin with, add hurt and I'd generally walk away.

Oh and I don't know for sure about him, but I know that I'm horrible about showing emotions to the ones I care for. I know past boyfriends used to try to make me jealous because it was the only way they'd get an emotional reaction that showed how intensely I cared.

Ya-ha, typically INTJs do not share deeper emotions with anyone other then their nearest and dearest, IMO we are worse then INFJs in this regard, you withholding may be misread by him resulting in him making sure he doesn't release anything personal which would complete the circle with you withdrawing more. The only way around that is communication and an understanding that you want the same thing.

I confess I have trouble figuring dating out at all, regardless of type.

You, me and many others brother! Maybe I should have quoted this first as a disclaimer

 

[Motor Jax]

i think an INTJ + INFJ would = pretty good

i mean, i have an INTJ buddy and we talk all the time about all kinds of stuff... except where someone would say or do something, i have a (very quick) emotion reaction and he goes, "well, maybe they have a motive for doing something like that. have you asked them?" i'm all like, "what?!? are you kidding? what they did was wrong..!"

... and then he would smile, take a puff on a cigarette and look at the ground in thought...



now, i know this is probably vague... but the couple thing i don't know about, never dated an INTJ type before...

 

[tereza]

Is he going out of his way to give you a list that he secretly wants you to counter or is it a matter of you're still in contact with him anyway so he has to explain things?

Why do you ask? Does it make a difference? I actually just asked him what went wrong and he just started spouting out reasons.

I can say from my point of view, I see very quickly the possibility of failure in a relationship and withdraw, once that has happened it's over for me and if I did have feelings for the guy I enter self-presevation mode and don't allow myself to get any closer. Breaking through that barrier is damn near impossible once I've shut down as my feelings for the other person actually change.

Yeah, that barrier is impossible to get through. I don't quite understand it, because don't all relationships have the possibility for failure? It's so frustrating because I feel like he's underestimating what I'm capable of. Plus he throws out so many distractions, it's impossible to get to the core of what's bothering him. I once told him that I thought he was just looking to find quarrel in the straw and he got kind of defensive. Said I was being adversarial.

Ya-ha, typically INTJs do not share deeper emotions with anyone other then their nearest and dearest, IMO we are worse then INFJs in this regard, you withholding may be misread by him resulting in him making sure he doesn't release anything personal which would complete the circle with you withdrawing more. The only way around that is communication and an understanding that you want the same thing.

Well, I've been really open with him lately and it seems it hasn't gotten me anywhere. He says that he cares about me which is lovely and all, but he's still set on just being friends. It's weird. There's a physical attraction, there's an emotional connection and still, I have no clue what's wrong.

 

[tereza]

i think an INTJ + INFJ would = pretty good

i mean, i have an INTJ buddy and we talk all the time about all kinds of stuff... except where someone would say or do something, i have a (very quick) emotion reaction and he goes, "well, maybe they have a motive for doing something like that. have you asked them?" i'm all like, "what?!? are you kidding? what they did was wrong..!"

... and then he would smile, take a puff on a cigarette and look at the ground in thought...



now, i know this is probably vague... but the couple thing i don't know about, never dated an INTJ type before...

Doesn't seem vague to me. I've had similar experiences to that. The thing I find most interesting is that sometimes we're eerily similar (I once randomly picked out the same sources of inspiration he was considering for a project he was working on) and other times we're so opposite, kind of like what you wrote about.

 

[Shaz]

have you tried posting your message on intjforum.com too? I'm sure they would be very, very helpful. There has already been a few cases of NFs asking for decyphering

 

[tereza]

Thanks Shaz.

Actually, I've already been there. It's kind of surprising how similar the stories seem.

 

[Lavinia]

I'm going to refresh this topic as I have recently fallen for an INFJ.
Problem is he is halfway around the world, but in about six weeks I'm going to meet him.
We get on great so far, not sure if the whole INTJ-INFJ thing will be a problem?

 

[Lurker]

Is he going out of his way to give you a list that he secretly wants you to counter or is it a matter of you're still in contact with him anyway so he has to explain things?

Why do you ask? Does it make a difference? I actually just asked him what went wrong and he just started spouting out reasons.

Nah, that's ok, not knowing him I was just wondering if maybe he didn't have the confidence to be upfront. He's obviously thought about it if he could give you answers straight away.

I can say from my point of view, I see very quickly the possibility of failure in a relationship and withdraw, once that has happened it's over for me and if I did have feelings for the guy I enter self-preservation mode and don't allow myself to get any closer. Breaking through that barrier is damn near impossible once I've shut down as my feelings for the other person actually change.

Yeah, that barrier is impossible to get through. I don't quite understand it, because don't all relationships have the possibility for failure? It's so frustrating because I feel like he's underestimating what I'm capable of. Plus he throws out so many distractions, it's impossible to get to the core of what's bothering him. I once told him that I thought he was just looking to find quarrel in the straw and he got kind of defensive. Said I was being adversarial.

I don't like it, but it does happen, you are right and I understand the frustration. Our Ni foresees what will happen and we can react by not giving relationships a chance.

Ya-ha, typically INTJs do not share deeper emotions with anyone other then their nearest and dearest, IMO we are worse then INFJs in this regard, you withholding may be misread by him resulting in him making sure he doesn't release anything personal which would complete the circle with you withdrawing more. The only way around that is communication and an understanding that you want the same thing.

Well, I've been really open with him lately and it seems it hasn't gotten me anywhere. He says that he cares about me which is lovely and all, but he's still set on just being friends. It's weird. There's a physical attraction, there's an emotional connection and still, I have no clue what's wrong.

We can also need time, so he says not now but who knows what he may say in the future.

I'm going to refresh this topic as I have recently fallen for an INFJ.
Problem is he is halfway around the world, but in about six weeks I'm going to meet him.
We get on great so far, not sure if the whole INTJ-INFJ thing will be a problem?

Whoa, long distance eh, good luck.

All things equal, INFJ - INTJ should be a good match. The above conversation was relating to a specific situation, I guess the only thing that is brought to light is the need to communicate freely as we can both over think and misinterpret. Should be fine, so don't worry. Are you excited?

 

[Satya]

I dated an INTJ. It didn't work out for reasons you can probably imagine.

 

[Lurker]

I dated an INTJ. It didn't work out for reasons you can probably imagine.

Hmm, could you share? I think the aim of the thread is to discuss what can go wrong to gain better understanding of both sides, first hand experience can be very helpful.

 

[Satya]

Hmm, could you share? I think the aim of the thread is to discuss what can go wrong to gain better understanding of both sides, first hand experience can be very helpful.

First off, INTJs are surprisingly idealistic when it comes to relationships, to the point of being impractical. They use their rational to justify this idealism, but they hold so firmly to it that it can become incredibly annoying. The INTJ I dated had an idealism about being "polyamorous" and had this perspective of the perfect relationship being one where both partners would be okay with the other one sleeping around. The next INTJ I nearly dated was the exact opposite. He had this ideal image of the perfect relationship being hopelessly romantic to the point that he wasn't comfortable with anything short of life long commitment on the first date. And of course, both of these individuals had a long list of rationalizations to justify their ideals.

INTJs are dry. The type does have a passion, but it is self involved and this often leads to them being windbags who talk endlessly about their projects or things that other people may not at all be interested in. This self involved passion often makes them rather egocentric, and when the are emotional, they resemble adolescents who get pissed about what they perceive as any violation of their personal freedom and space.

INTJs are like light switches. Some things turn them on, and some things turn them off. If they see you do enough things that turn them off, then they will lose interest in you. You have to make an effort towards demonstrating that you are worth the INTJs time, otherwise they will simply tune you out.

INTJs usually expect others to take care of themselves. Don't expect an INTJ to sympathize with you too much if you get hurt or sick.

 

[Shai Gar]

nom!

is like me

 

[Lurker]

First off, INTJs are surprisingly idealistic when it comes to relationships, to the point of being impractical. They use their rational to justify this idealism, but they hold so firmly to it that it can become incredibly annoying. The INTJ I dated had an idealism about being "polyamorous" and had this perspective of the perfect relationship being one where both partners would be okay with the other one sleeping around. The next INTJ I nearly dated was the exact opposite. He had this ideal image of the perfect relationship being hopelessly romantic to the point that he wasn't comfortable with anything short of life long commitment on the first date. And of course, both of these individuals had a long list of rationalizations to justify their ideals.

INTJs are dry. The type does have a passion, but it is self involved and this often leads to them being windbags who talk endlessly about their projects or things that other people may not at all be interested in. This self involved passion often makes them rather egocentric, and when the are emotional, they resemble adolescents who get pissed about what they perceive as any violation of their personal freedom and space.

Wow, that sounds so much like someone I know who's an ENFJ, it's immaturity and being unaware in my mind. Personally an unhealthy INTJ is not someone I would want to be around, hell an unhealthy NT imho is unbearable.

INTJs are like light switches. Some things turn them on, and some things turn them off. If they see you do enough things that turn them off, then they will lose interest in you. You have to make an effort towards demonstrating that you are worth the INTJs time, otherwise they will simply tune you out.

This is true. For me this happens at the beginning of a new relationship, I'll see things that don't sit right with me and it will, as you say, turn me off. I will try to talk about it but if my partner is not receptive I'll back off to save getting hurt. This is why strong communication is so important.

INTJs usually expect others to take care of themselves. Don't expect an INTJ to sympathize with you too much if you get hurt or sick.

An unhealthy one wouldn't sympathise. For me I expect my partner to be capable of taking care of themselves in normal circumstances, when sick or injured however, I would empathise and want to make sure my partner’s needs are taken care of. I think the big difference between INFJ and INTJ in this respect is showing sympathy so the other person feels better is not really an INTJ thing, we'd be more inclined to try to 'fix' at the same time, maybe as we see things as problems that need solutions and feel sympathy is ineffective in doing this.

 

[Motor Jax]

but overall, from what i can tell, an INTJ and INFJ are and can be pretty compatible :mrgreen: