INFJ clingyness advice.

[Ixsportu2er]

So, I was curious about how and why INFJs get "clingy". I mean I like the clingyness, but that's not my problem. My problem is that she gets mad at me when I am out doing stuff. And here are my examples.

First, some back story... We met in college, she graduated in May, I live in Houston, she lives in Dallas. She's visited me once, And I've visited her once, every is fine and I'm more in love with her than I have been with anyone, and I feel she loves me too.

Okay, this summer, I've been spending most of it at home, but it started to get to me, and I was getting depressed-ish (I'm an ENTP). My INFJ girlfriend can refill me, but I still need to extrovert once in a while. So my brother asked me to come swimming with him, So I did, and I ended up spending the night. I talked to her, that night, for like an hour before bed, and the next day, was Sunday, and my step mom was cooking for my uncles birthday, So I went to the party, and was drinking the whole time, and having a good time, and left late again, and called her late. And then the last day I went to a poker tournament, and had a lot of fun, and came home late again (btw I texted her all day for the most part, nothing really in depth, just kind of the check-in and let her know what I was doing).

All of these days seemed fine, and she seemed to be happy, she didn't say anything to me, except for on the last day, she got really angry and cold with me, and acted like I had cheated on her or something. I told her I wasn't, but she stayed mad at the the entire next day, and questioned whether she was going to come for our planned visit that we had planned next week, and whether we're really meant to be together. This is something I don't understand at all, I didn't do anything wrong? I just needed to talk to people I was going crazy! So, she decided to forgive and forget, I told her what I did all those days, which I did every night anyways, and tried to calm her.

So last night, my mom invited me and my 2 brothers, and other family members to her house to celebrate her birthday, we cooked, and ate, and at 11:30 I texted her and told her I was playing monopoly, and having a few drinks with my family, She immediately texted me and told me to have fun and goodnight! which was WAY early for her, and she didn't tell me that she loved me... I didn't notice that she said goodnight so I texted her last night at 12:30 and was trying to figure out if she was still awake, after a few text I gave up, told her goodnight and that I loved her, and she texted me 30 minutes later saying goodnight....

I texted back, asked her what she was doing, and she said nothing, and then asked me if I was home, and I said I was driving home (which I was) (1:30 am at this point). My brother was in the car, so I talked to him about some issues I was having, and we started arguing (while I was driving), I argued on the way into the house and it was a really serious conversation (a fight about my mother)... So I wasn't even thinking about texting...

During the fight, she texted me that she felt like my EX, and then questioned if I was out with someone else, or if I was ignoring her, and said she'd rather know the truth now... Like I was out doing something? and then she said she was trying to be patient with me, and that maybe I need a different girl who doesn't care as much.

(I responded 5 minutes later to the last text, and texted her 6 times before giving up and trying to called twice, which she didn't answer)

She has yet to text me this morning, or last night or call.

Was I in the wrong? Did I do something wrong? I think she's being ridiculous. Am I wrong to think that? Like, I've had this problem with girls, and I'm notorious for being.... I mean, I don't cheat, but sometimes I like to hang out with my friends, but this wasn't that, and I haven't done that with her, and I don't plan to do that... This was nothing compared to what I've done to EXes and to be honest, I didn't really even do anything to my exes and I just was spending time with friends.... In any case.

I need thoughts and advice, because if this keeps happening, we probably won't work. Is it normal for INFJs to act like this? for just spending a night out? I was with family!

 

[lenina]

as an INFJ i can say that i do get insecure when the person i am with has things he wants to do without me. i don't know the technical reason for the clingyness, but i can tell you how i feel when im considered to be clingy. i think my partner doesn't love me becuase if he did he would want to be with me all the time, nothing could ever make him happier and the only situation in which someone else would make him happier is if he didnt truly love me. now i know that is TOTALLY unfair. but its a place my mind will go if i feel my partner has better things to do than be with me. in a past relationship, i realized this about myself only after my life became busy and exciting, then i started noticing my partner starting to get suspicious of me. i think that is just the dynamic of a relationship between an introvert and an extrovert. introverts are clingy but reliable. i distinctly remember my partner telling me that i needed to have more of a life, out of genuine concern for me. he said if i did have more of a life than i would be happier. but when i got more of a life, he got a little insecure, not as much a me though. unfortunately i have no advice to give you other than to be patient and honest with her about your feelings for her. her insecurities are something that only she can fix.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

as an INFJ i can say that i do get insecure when the person i am with has things he wants to do without me. i don't know the technical reason for the clingyness, but i can tell you how i feel when im considered to be clingy. i think my partner doesn't love me becuase if he did he would want to be with me all the time, nothing could ever make him happier and the only situation in which someone else would make him happier is if he didnt truly love me. now i know that is TOTALLY unfair. but its a place my mind will go if i feel my partner has better things to do than be with me. in a past relationship, i realized this about myself only after my life became busy and exciting, then i started noticing my partner starting to get suspicious of me. i think that is just the dynamic of a relationship between an introvert and an extrovert. introverts are clingy but reliable. i distinctly remember my partner telling me that i needed to have more of a life, out of genuine concern for me. he said if i did have more of a life than i would be happier. but when i got more of a life, he got a little insecure, not as much a me though. unfortunately i have no advice to give you other than to be patient and honest with her about your feelings for her. her insecurities are something that only she can fix.

First bold: I don't understand this at all... because she could of come with me if she were here! but she's 4 hours away. Not to mention... this is my family! what's going to happen when Its my friends? will it get worse?

Second bold: I wish she would admit this.

Third bold: I like her introvertedness, I like that when I'm in my introspective stumps that she can curl up with me and be satisfied with me just laying there all aloof and what not.

Last bold: I need advice, and this is what I've been doing, but when she accuses me of being unfaithful when I was playing monopoly with FAMILY.... AND I have been completely honest with her, which is more than I can say for previous relationships where I actually was being delinquent... and it's just frustrating that the one relationship where I'm completely honest and faithful is the one where the person trust me the least... Or at least it feels like she doesn't trust me

And I ca't really blame her for her insecurities, because I am insecure about her too, but at the end of the conversation, I don't disappear. I understand my insecurities are just that... insecurities, I feel like she doesn't even realize that this is destructive.

 

[Wyst]

INFJ love languages frequently tend to be words of affirmation and quality time. And it doesn't sound like she's getting very much of that from you. Yes I know Houston and Dallas are hours apart and that certainly makes it a little more difficult. Which means...? You're going to have to work HARDER on communication and time spent on her - not use it as an excuse for being lazy.

I'm an INFJ and here's how I took your post re: how you're spending your time with friends and family, "What have I been up to? Oh, nothing much. Just hanging out a lot with the fam and some friends, playing games, and having a few drinks. It's been a great time, really".

Translation:
"I'm having such a great time with my family and friends doing fun things (even though you're not here). Everytime I get an invite to do something I always accept it (even though I could turn it down and call you to see how your'e doing instead)".

Follow my point? It's not that she's upset that you're doing stuff with other people. It's that you're not making the effort to communicate how much you miss her. From her perspective, you're having a ball, and not really busted up about being 4 hours away. Her early "good night" text message is clearly (at least to me it is) as signal trying to get your attention.

Will you drop what you're doing and be consistent in your communication with her (not just when she's mad)? You could even do something crazy like... I dunno drive up to Dallas in the middle of the night.

Or even if you don't go up to Dallas, make it a point to TURN DOWN the next invite you get from your family to hang out. Instead of hanging with them, call her and make a point to say something like, "..oh yeah.. my family wanted to hang out again but I really wanted to talk to you and see how you're doing so I decided to call you tonight instead."

Don't call her from your parents house where she'll hear the 'fun happenings in the background". Plus it could seem like you're just taking a break between the festivities to give her an obligatory 5 minute phone call and as soon as you hang up, you're just going back to the party. That will just make her feel like she's an interruption to your life instead of making her feel important.

INFJs eat up stuff like that. The ball is in your court. If you really like her, make some sacrifices.

 

[Ixsportu2er]

INFJ love languages frequently tend to be words of affirmation and quality time. And it doesn't sound like she's getting very much of that from you. Yes I know Houston and Dallas are hours apart and that certainly makes it a little more difficult. Which means...? You're going to have to work HARDER on communication and time spent on her - not use it as an excuse for being lazy.

I'm an INFJ and here's how I took your post re: how you're spending your time with friends and family, "What have I been up to? Oh, nothing much. Just hanging out a lot with the fam and some friends, playing games, and having a few drinks. It's been a great time, really".

Translation:
"I'm having such a great time with my family and friends doing fun things (even though you're not here). Everytime I get an invite to do something I always accept it (even though I could turn it down and call you to see how your'e doing instead)".

Follow my point? It's not that she's upset that you're doing stuff with other people. It's that you're not making the effort to communicate how much you miss her. From her perspective, you're having a ball, and not really busted up about being 4 hours away. Her early "good night" text message is clearly (at least to me it is) as signal trying to get your attention.

Will you drop what you're doing and be consistent in your communication with her (not just when she's mad)? You could even do something crazy like... I dunno drive up to Dallas in the middle of the night.

Or even if you don't go up to Dallas, make it a point to TURN DOWN the next invite you get from your family to hang out. Instead of hanging with them, call her and make a point to say something like, "..oh yeah.. my family wanted to hang out again but I really wanted to talk to you and see how you're doing so I decided to call you tonight instead."

Don't call her from your parents house where she'll hear the 'fun happenings in the background". Plus it could seem like you're just taking a break between the festivities to give her an obligatory 5 minute phone call and as soon as you hang up, you're just going back to the party. That will just make her feel like she's an interruption to your life instead of making her feel important.

INFJs eat up stuff like that. The ball is in your court. If you really like her, make some sacrifices.

I think one thing I didn't mention is that every day this summer, I have spent it with her in mind the entire day. Every day I wait until she can talk, and talk to her for as long as she wants. I wait for her to get done doing the things she needs to do. These are the sole two times I've spent time with my family, and they were both birthdays, One being my mother's. And Of course I miss her, why do I have to call/text for her to understand that I do? (BTW, I do all of these things because I love talking to her, not because I am trying to satisfy her, I want to talk to her because I enjoy it, and I was for her, because I can't get enough of her)

Also, I'd love to drive to see her, but I can't because her parents are very strict... and we have to plan to do anything... trust me, I've wanted to drive to her in the middle of the night PLENTY of times. I just can't... And If I do, at most, I'll get to spend an hour with her at a coffee shop or something. So I'd have to go during the day

 

[Wyst]

I have spent it with her in mind the entire day.

How do you intentionally communicate this to her?

And Of course I miss her, why do I have to call/text for her to understand that I do?

Like I said in my previous post. INFJs' love languages are often words of affirmation and quality time. For an INFJ to feel loved, they are most receptive to these two displays of love. It's how they KNOW they are loved. If this is true, then the opposite is also true --> If you don't communicate and spend time on her, she won't know/think/feel/believe that you care about her.

The long distance does make it harder and feel for ya there. But I don't believe she's being irrational in her behavior. I'd feel the same way if I was in her shoes.

 

[Radiantshadow]

Random acts of thoughtfulness.
Meet insecurity with affection,
it might strengthen bridges?
Fear is overcome alone,
ultimately. Best of luck

 

[Ixsportu2er]

How do you intentionally communicate this to her?

By constantly being there... I dunno, Maybe I'm not the right guy for an INFJ because honestly, I thought just telling the truth would be enough. I'm madly in love with her, I tell her at least 25 times a day. I text her good morning every morning as soon as I wake up, I talk to her before she does something and directly after she gets done... Normally I'm trying to talk to her, and she's too busy with her family to talk to me... To be honest, this whole thing is kind of hypocritical because she's generally been more busy this summer than me.

Like I said in my previous post. INFJs' love languages are often words of affirmation and quality time. For an INFJ to feel loved, they are most receptive to these two displays of love. It's how they KNOW they are loved. If this is true, then the opposite is also true --> If you don't communicate and spend time on her, she won't know/think/feel/believe that you care about her.

The long distance does make it harder and feel for ya there. But I don't believe she's being irrational in her behavior. I'd feel the same way if I was in her shoes.

We did the love language test, And hers were acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch the last two were even and the first two were just a little bit above... Mine were Physical touch, Quality time, and Words of Affirmation...

But in any case, I understand that, but I don't see why this is rational considering that there is no way that I'll be able to spend every second of every day talking/texting or waiting to talk/text to her... It just seems like too much. If I could, I would, but I can't, I would slip into a depression because extroverts just can't do that... Trust me... I've tried... She fulfills me more than any other girl I've ever dated, but I still need to go do stuff, especially with family, because If I didn't I would of been scolded.

 

[dream echo]

This sounds a lot like how my husband and I interacted before we were married. He's extremely extroverted, while I'm way introverted. I've always preferred to be at home and spend time together, with no one from the outside world allowed to interfere in our family bubble. When he wanted to hang out for days with friends, I would feel really hurt. I took it as a rejection of me and our children, and assumed he saw me as a convenient inconvenience; nothing but a caregiver to his children and a booty call.

Now I know that he was just wanting to hang with friends, which is not the rejection of me as I perceived it. But I'll be honest, it took a long time for me to understand, and we almost didn't make it. The fact that he never invited me to be a part of any of outside social interactions with him hurt as well.

We INFJ's are very forgiving and don't like to be seen as selfishly promoting our own needs, but if we are rejected often enough, we will move on. Being away from someone we love deeply is a pain that can be felt almost physically, and the only way to protect ourselves is to cling that much more tightly so they never leave us again. Obviously this doesn't work, but that doesn't stop us from trying.

I wouldn't say you're in the wrong, but there are things you can do to improve the situation. [MENTION=1403]Wyst[/MENTION] gave some good suggestions. And remember, your actions are cumulative, not just about one night hanging with family. She likely doesn't see one night as a rejection of her or a preference for others, but if it feels to her that this is becoming the rule rather than the exception, it will cause her a great deal of pain. A lot of it is worry... you texted her late; are you okay or lying in a ditch somewhere? Oh, you were partying and lost track of time? Now she's angry you made her worry, etc.

In short, you really need to communicate all this to her... meaning actually say the words, and not assume everything is fine just because she's not clinging to you and weeping. When she's cold and cuts you out, you have definite cause to be concerned.

 

[Wyst]

By constantly being there... I dunno, Maybe I'm not the right guy for an INFJ because honestly, I thought just telling the truth would be enough. I'm madly in love with her, I tell her at least 25 times a day. I text her good morning every morning as soon as I wake up, I talk to her before she does something and directly after she gets done... Normally I'm trying to talk to her, and she's too busy with her family to talk to me... To be honest, this whole thing is kind of hypocritical because she's generally been more busy this summer than me.

We did the love language test, And hers were acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch the last two were even and the first two were just a little bit above... Mine were Physical touch, Quality time, and Words of Affirmation...

But in any case, I understand that, but I don't see why this is rational considering that there is no way that I'll be able to spend every second of every day talking/texting or waiting to talk/text to her... It just seems like too much. If I could, I would, but I can't, I would slip into a depression because extroverts just can't do that... Trust me... I've tried... She fulfills me more than any other girl I've ever dated, but I still need to go do stuff, especially with family, because If I didn't I would of been scolded.

Well it not a secret that not all relationships work. It's got to work for both people - not just one in the relationship. If you can't hack it, then get out of it. (Kinda hard to sugar-coat that, sorry)

Maybe she is being unreasonable. I can't hear her side of the story, so there's no way to know for sure. BTW - how old are you two? Distance certainly complicates things but if you guys are kids, that complicates it even more because, yeah, you do have to answer to your parents first.

 

[Zero Angel]

Most INFJs strive to be needed, and I do believe that she is insecure that if you have fun over there that maybe you won't need her anymore. I know when I was young, I would get jealous about my best friend having more fun with his other friends than he had with me (yes, my best friend is an ENTP too). I've learned to be a little more relaxed about the situation, but some people aren't so self aware, or even when they are self aware they can't stop their insecurities from haunting them like that.

I think there are things you can do to help against situations like this that happen in the future. One is to invite her along or say something like 'sorry babe, i'd really like to bring you along' if there is any reason that you can't. I think that would go a long ways to setting her fears to rest, by reassuring her that she's still your number one. I wish there was some way of letting her know that as an ENTP you need to interact with many people to feel fulfilled. Though perhaps you can figure out how to do it.

 

[detectivepope]

I don't mind a partner doing things without me, unless I'm really interested (in the activity) and they are just doing it to get away from me, then I have a problem. But if they are honest with that, I do forgo my own feelings if its appropriate.

 

[Lea]

I don't mind a partner doing things without me, unless I'm really interested (in the activity) and they are just doing it to get away from me, then I have a problem. But if they are honest with that, I do forgo my own feelings if its appropriate.

I'm the same as you detectivepope. Though I do not have to forgo any feelings about it.

 

[Lea]

By constantly being there... I dunno, Maybe I'm not the right guy for an INFJ because honestly, I thought just telling the truth would be enough. I'm madly in love with her, I tell her at least 25 times a day. I text her good morning every morning as soon as I wake up, I talk to her before she does something and directly after she gets done... Normally I'm trying to talk to her, and she's too busy with her family to talk to me... To be honest, this whole thing is kind of hypocritical because she's generally been more busy this summer than me.




We did the love language test, And hers were acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and physical touch the last two were even and the first two were just a little bit above... Mine were Physical touch, Quality time, and Words of Affirmation...

But in any case, I understand that, but I don't see why this is rational considering that there is no way that I'll be able to spend every second of every day talking/texting or waiting to talk/text to her... It just seems like too much. If I could, I would, but I can't, I would slip into a depression because extroverts just can't do that... Trust me... I've tried... She fulfills me more than any other girl I've ever dated, but I still need to go do stuff, especially with family, because If I didn't I would of been scolded.

I'm starting to think I have really had shit boyfriends. Even my ex-ENFP husband wasn't as nice as you sound.

If my boyfriend told me that he loved me 25 times a day then how could I not be satisfied?

You have even done a love language test I didn't even know such things existed.

I have personally never been told I was clingy that is not to say that any of the guys I dated didn't think I was clingy but at least it's not something that they brought up. So I do believe there are clingy and less clingy INFJs.

It sounds to me as if you have made a great deal of effort and she is misinterpreting your words and acts. This is not uncommon for INFJs.

I think it is wrong of her not to answer your phone calls and texts. That's clearly very damaging to your relationship. The pattern of communication you have with her is not good. You are trying to make it up to her and she is stone walling you, actually refusing to hear your attempts to repair the situation.

People stay together not because they never argue but because they can hear each others attempts at repairing the damage when there has been conflict. This is clearly not going on so ... if this does not start to happen ... you won't be long together...

You might want to look up what John Gottman has to say about communication between couples. It might help you to understand the dynamics of your relationship better.

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc"]YouTube - ‪Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by John Gottman‬‏[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMaxZKYHOfQ&feature=related"]YouTube - ‪John Gottman - The Emotional Bank Account‬‏[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bShsyKUFjKE&feature=related"]YouTube - ‪How to Complain Without Hurting Your Partner‬‏[/ame]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0OGY54yWvw&feature=related"]YouTube - ‪John Gottman - About Relationship Conflicts‬‏[/ame]

You need tools to analyze your communication with her! I hope that this helps.

 

[Bird]

... you are definitely not in the wrong.


Maybe next time you're spending time with your family you
should say something like, "I wish you were here with us"
or something. Only if you mean it though.



I think you guys need to work on your trust issues.

You're scared to trust her and it seems as though she's scared
to trust you. Maybe you should try talking to her about this?

 

[MelodyS90]

This is geared more towards any clingy INFJ's who might be reading...

1. As an INFJ... I care about people, and I want them to be happy. But I needed to realize that what actually makes them happy is different from what I think should make them happy. (or maybe this has more to do with my enneagramm, as I am a 1... hehe)

2. Also, in my own life, I hang out with multiple friends for different reasons and to fill different needs. It wouldn't be fair to expect perfection in all areas from just one person. That would be setting me up for failure and disappoint. Thinking that you can fill every need of someone else is also kind of silly... for example, although your date may be funny and caring, they might not have the fashion sense needed to go shopping with you.

3. If you were really clingy but then for some reason your relationship didn't work out, you would be left without anyone else because you pushed everyone else out of your life. That would be unfortunate and depressing for many people.

(So in general my strategy has been to encourage people towards what is best for them, and what makes them happiest. And it seems like they usually appreciate that.)