It is an absolute mess in my head. There are no good days where the mess is more organized or efficient in dissipating, but rather days where it seems to make more sense. Generally the more mess I have swimming around inside my mind, the more I can explore what I am experiencing, feeling, observing, and then put it all together to gain a new perspective or learn something about myself or someone else. Days when the mess is quiet, I sometimes stir it up a bit, trying to find something new to spin in a thousand directions, hoping one of them has insight that will prove to be worthwhile. I operate in chaos and disorganization internally, while demanding peace and calm externally, and generally the two become so intertwined and often times switched that I find myself confused about how exactly I exist, a sort of mental existential crisis. Most days I have more questions than I want answers to and other days I have answers that I never wanted.
I have a gift to always be aware of my emotions. It is both a gift and a curse. I can register just about any emotion I feel and know where it comes from - as in the event or cause that precipitated it. I am my own therapist, able to break down every situation, every memory, every minute of every day. I can analyze everything I feel and find an answer to it. So, I guess you could say that I have great experience in reading my own emotions. While this may sound pleasant, it is more mentally tolling than you might think. Every time I feel sad, I know why I am sad. Whether it is memories of loved ones who have passed on, memories of past trauma, or memories of the people who hurt me in one way or another, the sadness is always justified. I don't feel anything I can't explain or find the origin of. It is exhausting and ultimately I find myself feeling worse because sometimes it seems it would be better to just feel something and not have to know why.
To the second question - yes, it has greatly impacted all my relationships, both personal and romantic. Knowing exactly how someone makes you feel is difficult, especially when they leave you feeling worse after they leave. I am not one to let those who stress me out stay around in my life very long. In a romantic sense, it is the biggest pain in the ass. I normally know within a few minutes if I would ever be able to date someone, yet alone have a serious relationship. And it isn't a question of first impressions, because any INFJ who is able to read emotions effectively will see through those trying to make a good first impression without issue. So I end up seeing someone for who they are in their purest form and knowing exactly if I am okay with what I see. It's annoying to always know. I have been wrong about someone once in my life and that was when I was matched up with a deeply troubled, full blown sociopath. So I consider it a tie and not a loss because I had most things right about them.
As for the third question, I haven't had as much experience testing this as I would like but my answer right now is yes. I am aware the moment I have a hint of dissatisfaction with my work in any way and I know exactly why. Then it becomes very hard to not focus on that one thing, and once I do that I notice everything else. Now I know that no job is perfect and no workplace is anywhere near perfect, I just have been in rather shitty work environments up to this point. So I believe my opinions so far are quite biased, but one thing is right - it will effect me in a professional setting. I think once I find a job that is a bit more supportive of the employees and that is a bit more structured and transparent (as far as what is expected and what you are required to do), I will start to experience a positive boost because I will become aware of things that cause me to be happy at work. And knowing in that instant that a job makes me happy - that will fuel me to improve myself.
So all in all, it is a blessing and a curse to be extremely emotionally self-aware. The hardest part is the initial phase of learning to notice the things that make you happy just as much as the things that make you feel anything negative. Balance those two out and you will enjoy yourself much more.
It's the co dependent loop without the actual codependency stuff since my worst nightmare is having anyone depend on me. Do I sound like a enneagram two? or nine? Yeah it's tough being a feeler, any feeler. I have a real love hate with extraverts, thinkers, sensing organisms out there. Why should I spend more time than someone worrying about their problems and outcomes? Nah. Just spend time worrying about my own stuff. I'm avoidant of situations that require me to expend energy for fruitless gains as well. It's tough being infj. Actually you can't prove there is infj. Take that and wrap it up to give to your unrequited love haha.
