I feel like I don't know myself

[sassafras]

It's constant -- always happening -- but very slight. But when I look in the mirror, I can't for much longer because I get disturbed, feeling like I don't know who I'm looking at, like I've lost who I am. Maybe it's because I try to improve so many people's lives, and as INFJs, we depersonalize to "put on our masks" in order to better connect with others, and I do this a lot. It may also be because of trauma, since when get deeper into the depersonalization, I look down at myself and feel a sense of disdain, like I don't like what I'm seeing. I feel like so many things that went wrong in the past and continue to go wrong -- I should've been able to prevent at least some of them, and since I couldn't, I failed, I'm a failure in terms of myself, but not in terms for others. Sometimes I get brief moments of personlization, and that's when I feel my best and most confident. This mostly happens when I do things that connect with who I am, such as wearing my favorite color or eating my favorite foods (which happen to be unhealthy, as unfortunate as that is). Maybe a step to repair this issue is to better connect with myself. And I don't mean focus on myself and not overextending myself for others, as I've worked on that and have made significant progress -- more like I need to do things that are more me. I think doing that would be a powerful first step in feeling like myself again. Thank you for all your advice and I really look forward to more of it.

Here's a thought:

When you reach out to help others, you're doing so from a place of acceptance and compassion. You see the other person as worthy, regardless of who they are, what they failed to do and what they've had to deal with in their past. To help them get out ahead of their past and into the future and to grow as a human being. Perhaps the reason why you're having such a hard time connecting with yourself is because you haven't forgiven yourself for your perceived failures; you're not allowing yourself to be human like the people you want to help. You're constantly aware of your past and you can't see yourself in a more hopeful future.

Perhaps in addition to connecting with your likes and dislikes, it would be a good idea to start exploring what your goals are and plan for something that you can look forward to in the future and incorporate the lessons you've learned from your past in a positive way. Things will start to click when you integrate the whole of yourself, and see that there was still good, even when things that came before now weren't ideal. You are worthy of love and compassion, even if you are flawed. We all have flaws. But we have many gifts too.

Celebrate your gifts. Celebrate your desires and achievements. Celebrate the little things in life that kick away the clouds. It's ok to focus on yourself for a little while. When we are better balanced, when we can offer compassion to ourselves, we can offer great compassion to others as well.

 

[mintoots]

. It's ok to focus on yourself for a little while.

Yes. Travelling alone to a foreign country also works but be open. Focus on your survival.

Remember a union with yourself is most critical and essential. If you don't have this, helping others is temporarily off the table.

 

[Truth Eternity]

Again some thoughts and questions for you to chew over ….

Your inner quest seems to be making your disconnect worse. That doesn't mean you should stop, because the depths of truth lie within each of us, but some of those truths present themselves to us in a dangerous way. You do need to balance it.

The way you talk about your empathy with others, and the boundary problems associated with that, is very familiar. There's loads of fashionable advice out in the spiritual internet about suppressing our ego, but I think many INFJs need to do the opposite and strengthen their ego. Unless it's well defined there's nowhere to go with it. When you look in a mirror, you see someone who you lack connection with - but there is a person looking back at you. Love is not just a warm cosy feeling but an act of will too. Try to love the person you see there in the same way as you care for someone else in need - think about his needs and his distress and his longing for love and connection, for boundaries and clarity. I know it feels artificial, but work on it in the same way you work and meditate on the inner journey. Body and soul ..... you are infinitely valuable - all of you.

It feels like your in-the-world isolation is a real problem and that you need some plain ordinary connection with people who love you. You don't give much indication of your age so I can't see this clearly. But are you estranged from you parents? Could one of them fund you to go and live with them or near them for a while? I feel you really do need some real life connection.

On a more philosophical note, but a personal one, I've never thought that my identity is bound up with my physical body. I have a body, but that isn't me. It's the same with thoughts and feelings - I have these but they aren't m either. I cherish them all as one of the great gifts of existence - the universe could have gifted trillions of possible other people a chance of life instead of me, but it didn't give it to them, it gave it to me and that is a miracle of wonder.

Thanks for the advice. My parents are divorced and I'm working after 2 years of college, which didn't work out. I currently live near my father, but he's gone working just about 24/7 and has never been the emotional type anyway. I'm trying to work my ass off to move away from this town, where there's nothing to do.

 

[Truth Eternity]

@Truth Eternity

Try changing how you look, how you dress, and your activities to resemble how you think you should look and be. This may help a little.
If you're saying eating your favorites foods helps try adding activities you enjoy.

This may sound like a broken record, but seeking therapy would help you determine whether this is depersonalization, caused by trauma, an identify crisis, an existential crisis, low self esteem, etc.

I have $5 to my name after my bills each month. I can't afford therapy. I'm currently trying to find a second job.

 

[Truth Eternity]

You are not alone.

I understand this. When this kept occurring to me, I sought help and was given antidepressants. Without that, I recommend you take on hobbies that give you a sense of being in a moment: just you and whatever it is you're doing. Basically it's any activity where you allow yourself to inhabit your body. Walking in the mountains did me wonders because it reminded me of the basics of my existence. Understanding my body made me personalize with it. For me that was a lot of things like gardening, sketching, walking... Then eat healthily and get regular sleep. Also exercise. I know I'm sounding like a cliche but these things really did help me. I hope it does the same for you.

It won't be a switch and it won't be easy on an every day basis but just always breathe. When it's overwhelming, just breath and feel your very existence.

My issue is that where I am, there are no outlets. I walk outside and I'm immediately greeted by beat up streets and run down shops. I don't have enough money to buy anything of value or afford treatment, but I'm trying to find another job in top of my 30 hours a week minimum wage.

 

[Truth Eternity]

Here's a thought:

When you reach out to help others, you're doing so from a place of acceptance and compassion. You see the other person as worthy, regardless of who they are, what they failed to do and what they've had to deal with in their past. To help them get out ahead of their past and into the future and to grow as a human being. Perhaps the reason why you're having such a hard time connecting with yourself is because you haven't forgiven yourself for your perceived failures; you're not allowing yourself to be human like the people you want to help. You're constantly aware of your past and you can't see yourself in a more hopeful future.

Perhaps in addition to connecting with your likes and dislikes, it would be a good idea to start exploring what your goals are and plan for something that you can look forward to in the future and incorporate the lessons you've learned from your past in a positive way. Things will start to click when you integrate the whole of yourself, and see that there was still good, even when things that came before now weren't ideal. You are worthy of love and compassion, even if you are flawed. We all have flaws. But we have many gifts too.

Celebrate your gifts. Celebrate your desires and achievements. Celebrate the little things in life that kick away the clouds. It's ok to focus on yourself for a little while. When we are better balanced, when we can offer compassion to ourselves, we can offer great compassion to others as well.

I am, I'm saving money to move back where I'm from and hopefully get a job as an indie games developer and work my way up from there to start my own place. I appreciate the advice you all are giving, but so far I've either tried over and over, or don't currently have the resources to do it.

 

[Truth Eternity]

I am, I'm saving money to move back where I'm from and hopefully get a job as an indie games developer and work my way up from there to start my own place. I appreciate the advice you all are giving, but so far I've either tried over and over, or don't currently have the resources to do it.

Still, your advice helps a lot. It's nice to see people who care in such a selfish world.

 

[Deleted member 16771]

My issue is that where I am, there are no outlets. I walk outside and I'm immediately greeted by beat up streets and run down shops. I don't have enough money to buy anything of value or afford treatment, but I'm trying to find another job in top of my 30 hours a week minimum wage.

Your story is making me angry.

I sympathise.

 

[John K]

Still, your advice helps a lot. It's nice to see people who care in such a selfish world.

I’m so glad you can see that we do really care. Many people here in the forum have struggled with life and it’s problems. We can’t necessarily dig you out but we understand, at least partly - and we can sit alongside you and let you know we care and that you aren’t completely alone.

It seems to be never ending in the darkness with no easy way out, but these things do pass.

 

[mintoots]

I am, I'm saving money to move back where I'm from and hopefully get a job as an indie games developer and work my way up from there to start my own place. I appreciate the advice you all are giving, but so far I've either tried over and over, or don't currently have the resources to do it.

This is good.

My issue is that where I am, there are no outlets. I walk outside and I'm immediately greeted by beat up streets and run down shops. I don't have enough money to buy anything of value or afford treatment, but I'm trying to find another job in top of my 30 hours a week minimum wage.

I'm sorry to hear this.

Is there a park nearby? Or a roof deck on which you can just lay and ponder?

You must sleep. I think you are maybe too tired for now. I hate that I can't help but at the very least, I hope you get some sleep

 

[Truth Eternity]

This is good.


I'm sorry to hear this.

Is there a park nearby? Or a roof deck on which you can just lay and ponder?

You must sleep. I think you are maybe too tired for now. I hate that I can't help but at the very least, I hope you get some sleep

Thanks. There is a secret area nearby my apartments within a side of trees that has a bench, but blizzard season decided to come early. I honestly really enjoy the comfort of my apartment.

All of your advice has helped a lot, even if it's stuff I've already tried. It helps me get new ideas and see in new ways I couldn't on my own. I really appreciate it, you've all helped bunches. Goodnight

 

[mintoots]

Thanks. There is a secret area nearby my apartments within a side of trees that has a bench, but blizzard season decided to come early. I honestly really enjoy the comfort of my apartment.

All of your advice has helped a lot, even if it's stuff I've already tried. It helps me get new ideas and see in new ways I couldn't on my own. I really appreciate it, you've all helped bunches. Goodnight

Good night. Rest well.

 

[JustPhil]

I am not sure as I was never diagnosed, but I think I had something similar to depersonalisation after a breakdown about eight years ago.

I would look in the mirror and the person looking back at me seemed foreign, distant. I couldn't look at myself for very long.

It sounds weird but in the end I started to talk to that mirror. Talk to myself. Small comments like "what the %^&$ are you doing dude?" and similar. I'd then walk away.

Slowly I started talking to the mirror more, expressing my thoughts. Not long conversations, but generally what was on my mind. It seemed like verbalising these things helped somewhat. I think at that point I didn't have anyone else I could rely on to talk things through with and maybe this was *my* way of working it through.

When looking back on it now, I like to think I was reconnecting with myself, getting to know myself again, getting to like myself again. I think the person I was prior to the breakdown was now a stranger that I needed to get to know again before I moved forward.

Try and get some help (I know you said you can't afford it, but is there free medical where you are?), but if you can't then yes, walking, journalling, chatting to someone you can confide in. All can help and have helped me in their own ways.

 

[Fuyuko]

I have a similar issues, except it's not with myself. It's with other people. They don't feel very real to me. Not because I don't believe they're real, but because they're so dishonest. What I see isn't them, and it even seems like they're in a semi-conscious state sometimes. I imagine they feel such displeasure perpetuating their illusory self that their mind partly shuts down. I wonder if the entirety of Western society is experiencing collective psychosis. Or maybe that's what I'm experiencing. But anyway it's a projected image of what they think they should be. I will never be able to view that nonsense as anything real. Kinda makes the whole "social experience" an exercise in futility.

I'm always pretty astounded when I meet a real person: someone who's honest with himself, isn't afraid to internalize his own ideas, has the courage to accept what he is, where he's been. It's a seriously inspiring experience meeting such a real person. Oh, and accepting their feelings and so forth even if they're socially inconvenient. That's a big one. Deny your feelings, deny your core beliefs, deny yourself. It's a recipe for nothingness (nihilism). I can imagine your conscious mind and your subconscious mind would have such a distance between them that you wouldn't feel quite right.

Maybe that plays a role in this? A separation between the conscious and subconscious. I tend to adhere rather loyally to my subconscious (quite the daring heroine she is) in that I regard what I feel with reverence. Because of that, I believe, my conscious and subconscious have a healthy togetherness. I also view my subconscious as nature herself. I don't see why my subconscious wouldn't be like that.

 

[JustPhil]

I have a similar issues, except it's not with myself. It's with other people. They don't feel very real to me. Not because I don't believe they're real, but because they're so dishonest. What I see isn't them, and it even seems like they're in a semi-conscious state sometimes. I imagine they feel such displeasure perpetuating their illusory self that their mind partly shuts down. I wonder if the entirety of Western society is experiencing collective psychosis. Or maybe that's what I'm experiencing. But anyway it's a projected image of what they think they should be. I will never be able to view that nonsense as anything real. Kinda makes the whole "social experience" an exercise in futility.

I'm always pretty astounded when I meet a real person: someone who's honest with himself, isn't afraid to internalize his own ideas, has the courage to accept what he is, where he's been. It's a seriously inspiring experience meeting such a real person. Oh, and accepting their feelings and so forth even if they're socially inconvenient. That's a big one. Deny your feelings, deny your core beliefs, deny yourself. It's a recipe for nothingness (nihilism). I can imagine your conscious mind and your subconscious mind would have such a distance between them that you wouldn't feel quite right.

Maybe that plays a role in this? A separation between the conscious and subconscious. I tend to adhere rather loyally to my subconscious (quite the daring heroine she is) in that I regard what I feel with reverence. Because of that, I believe, my conscious and subconscious have a healthy togetherness. I also view my subconscious as nature herself. I don't see why my subconscious wouldn't be like that.

You're lucky! My conscious and sub conscious are constantly bickering! I find it very hard to keep them on the same track!

I get what you mean with people being authentic though. It seems fewer and fewer people actually want to relate to reality (or what I think it is anyway!). A bit like the matrix or the emperor wears no clothes. I think people are fooling themselves a lot of the time, and would prefer to have their heads up their collective bums than look at themselves honestly. Too many people are too scared to look inside themselves as they are shit scared of what might look back!

That said I do find them from time to time. Its refreshing and I want to hold tight to these people.

I made my mind up a long time ago to be more honest with myself and be more authentic with others. It has made a huge difference to my outlook on life.

 

[Fuyuko]

That said I do find them from time to time. Its refreshing and I want to hold tight to these people.

Oh I love them, heart, mind, and soul. They're the only reason I enjoy life.

 

[Shkunk1]

I never feel like I'm myself, only some eminence that happens to congregate around this body. Like this body is something else entirely. I look in the mirror and see an alien, I feel like an alien. I don't feel like I belong in this body, and it's awful. I can't look into a mirror and see myself, I just see something that happens to be where I am. What is this? What causes this? Do any of you experience this? This feeling felt stronger as I grew older, and now I just look into the mirror and feel a mixture of dissassociation, nothingness, and discomfort. It's been that way for years, even before my parents divorce and the awful depression that has brought upon me.

Have you had any physical symptoms such as joint pain and extreme fatigue?

 

[David54]

I read a great deal of desperation and hopelessness. and a lot of reasons why you are stuck in the place you are, both physically and emotionally. But we are more than mind and body, we are also spirit. What do you do for the spirit that is you? If you are a person of faith, seek a faith community for support. perhaps seek a community center where you may find something that resonates with you. . Find a way to give to others, and it will be returned to you. Listen to music, go for a walk, meditate, go to a library. . feed your spirit and the rest of you will follow

 

[Truth Eternity]

Have you had any physical symptoms such as joint pain and extreme fatigue?

I have juvenile idiopathic arthtitis, so occasional joint pain is a thing. But I've been connecting with myself more lately, and I feel like I'm more myself again. Like I'm in my own skin and not around it. I don't see a stranger when I look in the mirror anymore and finally see someone who I can accept being. I don't feel anything when I look in the mirror except, " Oh that's me," but that's better than, "I feel like I don't know myself," alongside a sense of slight disgust. You've all really helped me with this. I can't thank you enough. I was getting worried because I joined these forums to find a way to know myself better and find help and solutions for my issues, and I wasn't getting anything. But you've all helped so much with this. I feel like I can ask for help for other issues and can be confident I will receive helpful advice. This is a great first step in putting my broken pieces back together again. It's gonna be a long road, though, and I don't know if I'll ever find every piece, but the more the merrier I guess.

 

[Truth Eternity]

I read a great deal of desperation and hopelessness. and a lot of reasons why you are stuck in the place you are, both physically and emotionally. But we are more than mind and body, we are also spirit. What do you do for the spirit that is you? If you are a person of faith, seek a faith community for support. perhaps seek a community center where you may find something that resonates with you. . Find a way to give to others, and it will be returned to you. Listen to music, go for a walk, meditate, go to a library. . feed your spirit and the rest of you will follow

I'm trying.