how to leave someone behind | INFJ Forum

how to leave someone behind

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by CarrotPoet, Jul 13, 2009.

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  1. CarrotPoet

    CarrotPoet Newbie

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    How do you know when you need to cut a person out of your life? How much is too much? And what do you say to him or her when you decide that time has come?
     
  2. anica

    anica dark dreamer
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    These are all really personal questions only you can answer, but in general, I'd say it was time to ,ove on when a relationship becomes sufficiently toxic to impair your ability to function.

    For me, the turning point with my ex-husband came when I realized I could stay sober only if I left the marriage, that the only way to stay was to start drinking again. As for how I told him I was leaving, I was probably too blunt. I suppose it depends on whether you still care about having some form of relationship in the future. In my case, I just wanted to leave and never look back. Unfortunately, we had two kids who meant the world to me (still do, even as adults). The way I broke things off probably led to unnecessary acrimony during the divorce and custody battle. Very hard on the children. So once again, it depends on the circumstances and the people involved.

    Good luck to you whatever you decide.
     
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  3. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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    Well for me, basically if someone won't solve a problem I stop talking to them. Especially if they are boring. It depends on the situation. I used to give people 3 chances, before I lost faith in humanity. And now I just kind of talk to people in a reasonable way during conflict, and if they don't cave to what I want and I don't particularly like them, I ditch them. If I do like them, I'll give them a second chance and then I'll ditch them.
     
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  4. IndigoSensor

    IndigoSensor Product Obtained
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    I get rid of people for several reasons, although it is infrequent. I am very choosy with who I become friends with. Partly because I am a very gaurded person and I need to feel confortable around the person, and also because I have somewhat high standards for people.

    The biggest reason I will get rid of someone is when I don't feel confortable around them anymore, and things just feel draining. I just won't feel like I want to be friends with them anymore. I will think about it for a while and usually decide to leave.

    The other reason I will leave is if I learn that they are a very weak, or damaged person underneath all of it (and I emphisize very), and there is no way for them to repair themselves.
     
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  5. Faye

    Faye ^_^
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    You need to cut them out when they are trying to hurt you in some way, and it is too much when you can't take it and shouldn't take it anymore. When the time has come, you usually tell them in no uncertain terms to f*** off because of what they are doing to you. Maybe they'll learn something.
     
  6. laurie

    laurie Snowblind in Dreamland

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    Maybe you don't need to cut them out of your life completely. Maybe just see them much less than you do. Unreasonable or mean people usually aren't so bad if they don't feel so close to you because if they're comfortable with you then they feel like they can do what they feel like because you're friends.
    Maybe you just decide when you want to see them. Say you're busy or you just need time apart from them to think things over.
    If they really are too destructive towards you then you should just tell them so, see how they react to the truth. Then you could decide what to do about seeing them.
    But I'm not really sure, I've never cut anyone out of my life ^^" sorry...
     
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  7. pogo_<3

    pogo_<3 Community Member

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    Without more information about the person, like their relationship to you, i can't really help, because there are different ways you should go about it for different people. with family, it should probably be like ripping off a band-aid, or what its normallyfrom, a huge arguement. But with friends, you just sort of drift away sometimes.
     
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  8. Sorceress of White Fire

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    Ahh...this is a hard thing to do but we all seem to know when it is time to let a person go. I'm struggling with this right now. I feel smothered by this person that I reconnected with recently on FB. We went to High School together and although we were friends then we didn't know each other that well. Now he's constantly texting, emailing, IMing, a lot. It's too much for me and I did say something before and of course he got very defensive right away and tried to say that I was the one who wanted all the contact. Bull! But I kept my cool and did not let my pain body engage with his pain body and steered clear of any conflict. It was hard, but I did it. So now he's right back to doing the same thing and I sense manipulation here. He'll text "Is anything wrong?" In this way its forcing me to text back so that he can engage in a conversation. I'm not doing it now. But here's the problem. Eventually I will have to confront him and in the past when I've been totally honest with other people they did not react well to what I had to say. I have to use Truth as Protection but right now I'm trying to figure out what I want from this relationship BEFORE I talk to him. All I know is how I feel and it's smothered and pissed off. LOL.
     
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  9. Creon

    Creon Community Member

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    As the others stated, the answer to your first and second questions depends on the individual.

    But when it comes to what you say when you have decided to cut someone out, I'd advise you not to say anything. Just go away and dissappear. Let them figure it out on their own. Cause if you tell'em anything, they'll either hate you, or trick you into not cutting them out. I doudt that if you tell them your reason it would mean anything to them. What's important is to be certain that they actually did something wrong, and it's not your own self-absoption that's forcing you to cut them out. And before doing so, try to imply that things are not going well. If they just don't pay any attention, then just dissappear from their lives. Don't answer any phonecalls, and don't go to the places they're hanging out. And if they push you too hard, tell them you just don't wanna hang out with them any more. If they ask why, don't answer that, and let them wonder. They will only understand their mistake and become better people if they do so on their own. That is, as long as there is a mistake to understand.

    Worked for me every time I used it. And I used it many times.
     
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  10. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    You had a valid grievance and he tried to pin all the responsibility on you instead of doing the sensible, mature thing. That's a big red flag as far as toxic people come, so why interact with him at all any more? Especially since he's doing it so early in your contact.

    As to how, I'm with Creon; just do it. Stop responding to him, block him, ignore him. He'll eventually get tired and go away.
     
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    #10 Eniko, Jul 13, 2009
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2009
  11. evalura

    evalura Regular Poster

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    I agree with the other person who said that you need to take a time out and step back. It will allow you to get a clearer notion of how you feel.

    I've left people for different reasons, it depends on the relationship. For me, there inevitably comes a time when I just turn off, and when that happens, I'm done.

    There's no easy way to tell them you want out, just tell them that you've changed and it doesn't make sense to waste each other's time staying together.
     
  12. just me

    just me GONE

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    I feel we may put up with more than most, or at least it seems that way. Ask why and ponder it.
    Last thing I want to do is hurt someone I am in love with........or even used to be in love with and still love.
    Don't really know if I, at my age, could really leave someone behind this late in the game. Leaving someone for whatever reason would be difficult enough to try and think about, let alone try to forget them.
    Toxic? Life has taught me that one; black and white makes things much simpler than grays.
    Good luck. Wish I could share some better advice, but the one said it was too personal should be listened to. Your call.
    I could leave the one I'm with tomorrow and have an entirely new life for myself, quite possibly a better life and possibly a worse one. Could I forget and just walk away? Don't know the answer to that one. Years add up quickly and persons turn into people. Two become as one. Growing apart is a tragedy that happens and nobody can make that decision for you but you or the other involved. It will most likely be more painful down the road if you think it is going to happen one day regardless, but you may never know if you could have made it work.
    Optimist or pessimist? Realist or dreamer?
     
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