How should I treat my ailing father?

[Trifoilum]

Confused me, here.

Simply put: I'm torn of what and how should I treat my father.

1. Father had a stroke, had some personality changes
2. At best it's a mixture of brain damage and psychological factors-- I, however, cannot decipher how much is what
3. tl;dr version : impulsive, devil-may-care, rather hedonist version of him. I'm talking about MORE wasteful spending, MORE cravings towards unhealthy foods, MORE interest towards risky business ventures that kind of behavior.
4. It bothered me a lot. Part of it was my own rocky relationship with him (and he did not change completely; which made things worse). Part of it because my own anxiety and fears. Part of it...I think it's legitimate unhealthy behavior that should be dealt with.
5. Part of it is my own issue, too.

I have this irrational belief that I can either treat him as an adult or as an ailing person. Never inbetween. I can only either walk around eggshells constantly or bulldoze through him. This is a false binary, something actually caused by him, but....I cannot see the middle area.

I don't know how to expand my scope-- and I don't know how to communicate properly with him without either coddling him and not saying the things I need to say for fear of hurting him.......... or yelling at him in aggravation and speaking words I'll regret.

So. help?

 

[j654dgj7]

First off - so sorry you have to go through this <3
Wow. You are in an incredibly tough situation here. I almost feel like it shouldn't be preached or pontificated by others. We have no real way of seeing what your relationship is like in action, and we don't know how he feels about you. If we, the forum scumbags, come up with a dogmatic answer like "you should ditch him" or "don't ever leave him", we' are essentially dictating a very important life decision for you.

That being said, I think that you should have an honest talk with him. Let him know how you truly feel. Perhaps book a time with a therapist and get it out there. That could, potentially, lead to a reconciliation, temporary break in communication, or a clean break. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you will make the best of the situation.

 

[Soulfire]

:hug4:
I can relate to not knowing what to do and how to act around an ailing family member.
Hopefully my story can somehow help you decide on what you want to do (whatever that may be)

My mother-in-law had advanced Parkinson and she also suffered from dementia.
She would call me in tears telling me my husband was cheating on me with some girl he friended up with on Facebook, etc..it was craaaazy.
She was always extremely dramatic and unreasonable. Even talking to her did nothing because her mind wasn't what it use to be.
It was heartbreaking to see her this way..and she also spent a lot of money impulsively.
My father-in-law is also very ill be never seeks help...we are currently working with him to change his diet and seek the proper medical help.
There is a lot of hand holding but to a certain degree.
Do I worry that he is going on a cruise on his own in April? Yes. Omg yes. But..if something happens, it'll happen. I guess my thought process now is that we can't be there for them every second of the day...we have our own lives to live. It sounds selfish but sometimes we just need to be. It's excruciatingly hard to not worry all the time but it's not healthy to overlook our own life and well-being no matter how much we care about our family.

Politely expressing your concerns to your father is still very important even if his reaction will be a mean one. Just tell yourself that he is ill and isn't thinking clearly. But trust me, repeating yourself will only bring on more pain for you and feed his frustration.

At the end of the day, if they refuse your help, you cannot force anything on them. It's important to do our best and also know when to accept things that our out of our control.:snugglyhug:

I hope this helped you a little xox
I definitely don't want to tell you what to do..I'm just horrible at expressing myself when giving advice

 

[James]

Confused me, here.

Simply put: I'm torn of what and how should I treat my father.

1. Father had a stroke, had some personality changes
2. At best it's a mixture of brain damage and psychological factors-- I, however, cannot decipher how much is what
3. tl;dr version : impulsive, devil-may-care, rather hedonist version of him. I'm talking about MORE wasteful spending, MORE cravings towards unhealthy foods, MORE interest towards risky business ventures that kind of behavior.
4. It bothered me a lot. Part of it was my own rocky relationship with him (and he did not change completely; which made things worse). Part of it because my own anxiety and fears. Part of it...I think it's legitimate unhealthy behavior that should be dealt with.
5. Part of it is my own issue, too.

I have this irrational belief that I can either treat him as an adult or as an ailing person. Never inbetween. I can only either walk around eggshells constantly or bulldoze through him. This is a false binary, something actually caused by him, but....I cannot see the middle area.

I don't know how to expand my scope-- and I don't know how to communicate properly with him without either coddling him and not saying the things I need to say for fear of hurting him.......... or yelling at him in aggravation and speaking words I'll regret.

So. help?

Firstly I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, I hope you have friends and family supporting you. It's hugely stressful, and that kind of situation can get the better of anyone's emotions, but I'd really urge you to take a step back rather than say things you'll regret, no matter the provocation.

Is there any other support available to you, Stroke victims association, his or your own doctor ? Something that would take some pressure off you. Many years ago my mother had a stroke, which sadly although she survived she never really recovered from.

At times she would be very agitated and cross, she was suffering and she couldn't help it. She never left hospital care afterwards but it was about 4 months of very difficult visits etc before she passed away.

I don't know the age or expected outcome for your father, but if you can I'd try very hard to avoid any disagreement with him. In Britain if someone's judgement or behaviour is impaired due to this type of thing you can apply for Power of Attorney. I had to do that with my mother.

I wonder if you have any similar options where you are that would allow you to help them, depending on their level of impairment. I'd bear in mind though that they might react very badly to such a move.

I hope things improve for you and your father. Take care.

 

[Trifoilum]

First off - so sorry you have to go through this <3
Wow. You are in an incredibly tough situation here. I almost feel like it shouldn't be preached or pontificated by others. We have no real way of seeing what your relationship is like in action, and we don't know how he feels about you. If we, the forum scumbags, come up with a dogmatic answer like "you should ditch him" or "don't ever leave him", we' are essentially dictating a very important life decision for you.

That being said, I think that you should have an honest talk with him. Let him know how you truly feel. Perhaps book a time with a therapist and get it out there. That could, potentially, lead to a reconciliation, temporary break in communication, or a clean break. My thoughts are with you, and I hope that you will make the best of the situation.

I understand your perspective; and I do apologize for giving you extra pressure. Of course it's okay if you're uncomfortable with this

I'm kinda lacking in impartiality myself; due to my own emotions and all the things that had happened before all this, though; and again, my perspective is heavily biased; I cannot see the middle area right now and that is not right at all.

A honest talk...we hadn't had that for a long time but i suppose this calls for drastic measures.
I don't know if I can find a therapist for him, personally. I'd think he'll resist it up to the end...but I'm thinking that maybe I should find one for me.

:hug4:
I can relate to not knowing what to do and how to act around an ailing family member.
Hopefully my story can somehow help you decide on what you want to do (whatever that may be)

My mother-in-law had advanced Parkinson and she also suffered from dementia.
She would call me in tears telling me my husband was cheating on me with some girl he friended up with on Facebook, etc..it was craaaazy.
She was always extremely dramatic and unreasonable. Even talking to her did nothing because her mind wasn't what it use to be.
It was heartbreaking to see her this way..and she also spent a lot of money impulsively.
My father-in-law is also very ill be never seeks help...we are currently working with him to change his diet and seek the proper medical help.
There is a lot of hand holding but to a certain degree.
Do I worry that he is going on a cruise on his own in April? Yes. Omg yes. But..if something happens, it'll happen. I guess my thought process now is that we can't be there for them every second of the day...we have our own lives to live. It sounds selfish but sometimes we just need to be. It's excruciatingly hard to not worry all the time but it's not healthy to overlook our own life and well-being no matter how much we care about our family.

Politely expressing your concerns to your father is still very important even if his reaction will be a mean one. Just tell yourself that he is ill and isn't thinking clearly. But trust me, repeating yourself will only bring on more pain for you and feed his frustration.

At the end of the day, if they refuse your help, you cannot force anything on them. It's important to do our best and also know when to accept things that our out of our control.:snugglyhug:

I hope this helped you a little xox
I definitely don't want to tell you what to do..I'm just horrible at expressing myself when giving advice

Thank you for your story, and I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*
It helps; at least in telling that I'm not alone in the situation; and I'm not alone in the confusion and frustration.

I found it really hard to focus on my life, personally; so saying that really helps. A lot of my power are spent anticipating and readying myself.

What happens when I expressed my concerns and nothing changed or he dismissed it, then?

Firstly I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, I hope you have friends and family supporting you. It's hugely stressful, and that kind of situation can get the better of anyone's emotions, but I'd really urge you to take a step back rather than say things you'll regret, no matter the provocation.

Is there any other support available to you, Stroke victims association, his or your own doctor ? Something that would take some pressure off you. Many years ago my mother had a stroke, which sadly although she survived she never really recovered from.

At times she would be very agitated and cross, she was suffering and she couldn't help it. She never left hospital care afterwards but it was about 4 months of very difficult visits etc before she passed away.

I don't know the age or expected outcome for your father, but if you can I'd try very hard to avoid any disagreement with him. In Britain if someone's judgement or behaviour is impaired due to this type of thing you can apply for Power of Attorney. I had to do that with my mother.

I wonder if you have any similar options where you are that would allow you to help them, depending on their level of impairment. I'd bear in mind though that they might react very badly to such a move.

I hope things improve for you and your father. Take care.

Thank you I do have friends (and I have this forum as another means of support), but I'm afraid of wearing them thin at times ._.
My father -also- has friends, but those are.... another matter entirely. One I'm warily approaching.

I am forever grateful that my father's stroke is not that severe-- he's been recovering quite well, physically speaking. Psychologically and emotionally though....
Yes; I'm sure he will react badly if I do that. Partly because I'm certain he's confident he's okay and perfectly fine.

And this is where I stop and go back to the original question.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

@Trifoilum
Take him as he is; not as he was and not as he could be.
+
Be yourself.

If the relationship isn't perfect, it's because neither of you are perfect. What is lacking is usually well bridged by a good dose of "I don't agree, but I accept it's your call" respect.

 

[James]

I understand your perspective; and I do apologize for giving you extra pressure. Of course it's okay if you're uncomfortable with this

I'm kinda lacking in impartiality myself; due to my own emotions and all the things that had happened before all this, though; and again, my perspective is heavily biased; I cannot see the middle area right now and that is not right at all.

A honest talk...we hadn't had that for a long time but i suppose this calls for drastic measures.
I don't know if I can find a therapist for him, personally. I'd think he'll resist it up to the end...but I'm thinking that maybe I should find one for me.



Thank you for your story, and I'm so sorry to hear that. *hugs*
It helps; at least in telling that I'm not alone in the situation; and I'm not alone in the confusion and frustration.

I found it really hard to focus on my life, personally; so saying that really helps. A lot of my power are spent anticipating and readying myself.

What happens when I expressed my concerns and nothing changed or he dismissed it, then?



Thank you I do have friends (and I have this forum as another means of support), but I'm afraid of wearing them thin at times ._.
My father -also- has friends, but those are.... another matter entirely. One I'm warily approaching.

I am forever grateful that my father's stroke is not that severe-- he's been recovering quite well, physically speaking. Psychologically and emotionally though....
Yes; I'm sure he will react badly if I do that. Partly because I'm certain he's confident he's okay and perfectly fine.

And this is where I stop and go back to the original question.

I'm glad your fathers physical health is good, but I guess in some respects that makes things more difficult, in deciding how to handle things in terms of his mental capacity and behavior. I think if it were me I'd want to get medical advice if possible. Essentially it sounds like you're trying to decide if his behavior has become impaired as a result of his stroke, and perhaps the level of impairment.

I'm glad you've got friends support, I think good friends won't worry how much you talk about it, pm me anytime or post here if it helps. Your situation reminds me of something that happened to a supervisor of mine years ago. His father had a stroke and recovered well physically. He returned home and his wife was trying to care for him.

Sadly either the stroke had impaired him or dementia was setting in and he began to have lapses. He forgot who he was, would become hostile to his wife, kept leaving the house and unfortunately fell and hurt himself. My supervisor was highly stressed, he jumped every time the phone rang. It went on for about two months or so I think. I eventually gently asked whether it might be better to arrange supervised living for his father, but he was naturally very reluctant. Eventually he did begin to make arrangements but sadly his father then passed away.

If you have serious concerns about your fathers behavior and well being, and medical advice that suggests significant impairment, you would have every reason to act in his interests. If you have siblings I'd try to ensure everyone is included, and there is consensus. Hopefully your father will continue to improve, and it won't come to that.

Take care of yourself as best you can. Try to keep up with your own interests and activities if possible, so this doesn't weigh on you too much. I worked overtime whilst my mother was ill, just to keep my mind off it. Whatever works best for you

James

 

[acd]

Maybe it would be helpful to find a support group in your area of people going through similar situations? Maybe your local hospital or church can point you in the direction of a support group.