How good are you at establishing boundaries? | INFJ Forum

How good are you at establishing boundaries?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Oct 18, 2009.

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  1. Gaze

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    Every relationship has it's boundaries, and each may (or may not) occupy particular roles. But where do you draw the line?

    Is it easy for you to set boundaries with your partner? How do you balance the give and take in your relationships? What boundaries do you expect them not to cross? What are the consequences if they do?

    (Share as much or as little as you like)
     
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  2. slant

    slant Sedated slanty

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  3. Final

    Final Regular Poster

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    It depends on what you mean by setting boundaries. There are the boundaries which I won't let anyone cross and which are like moral boundaries, and then there are the boundaries that we both accept implicitly or explicitly and that are an aspect of our relationship.
    From your questions, it sounds like you're asking for both interpretations.

    Regarding the latter interpretation, the easiest way to set boundaries is just to set a precedent. For instance, I'm not a big fan of hugging. My last ex-girlfriend once told her mother, "You just don't hug him." Obviously, we didn't hug often, or hold hands for that matter. I never initiated these things, and neither did she, and the inertia kept things the way I wanted them.
     
  4. IndigoSensor

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    Usually, I am pretty good at setting boundaries. I think a lot of them are bigger then they should be but it is just second nature to me.

    Rarely, I don't set enough boundaries (or any at all), and it ends up being extremely painful for me.
     
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  5. OP
    Gaze

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    Hugging is a good example. I feel the same. Displays of affection should come naturally, and not be forced. Shouldn't be expected simple because we're a couple. Holding hands . . . now that's ok.
     
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  6. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    I pretty much go with whatever the other person is comfortable with and take my cues from there. I'm not very demonstrative with my affections, but if I'm dating someone who is very affectionate, I will go with it and enjoy it.

    I don't talk about a future unless the other person brings it up and I'm pretty much open to doing anything that is brought up. I accept most things. I'm more concerned with being good for the other person rather than if they are good for me (though I do have my limits.)


    So my boundaries are probably not all that great. Then again, I'm an imbalanced person, so that is to be expected.
     
    #6 acd, Oct 19, 2009
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2009
  7. OP
    Gaze

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    bump
     
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  8. This

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    No boundaries, I have sex with all of my friends. :p


    Ok in all seriousness most of my boundaries center around mental privacy, I can't stand people looking at things I've written or things that people have written to me.
     
  9. jimtaylor

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    I have only been in one true relationship in my life so I don't have much to judge on the matter. But; from my limited experience, I am pretty good at establishing ground rules or the things I expect. I hate passive aggressiveness so i don't do it to my partners and I expect the same in return. If I want to hold my partners hand I am going to hold thier hand because I love them and that's how I show my affection. I will write them poems, read them stories, massage their feet, hold open the door and am very clear with what I expect. I am not going to change them and I don't expect them to change for me but I also have no problem calling them out, when their doing something very very stupid. The biggest ground rule I have is that I hate arguing and yelling. I don't care if they have a problem with me, that's fine and they can tell me all about it and I will listen and work on it but if they yell and become emotional and irrational, I am going to walk out of the room. If they remain calm and talk to me like an adult, I will listen to whatever they have to say but the second they start to lose your composure, I will not listen. Too many things people regret are said in the heat of the moment and taken to the extreme because of their emotions, so it is best to remain level headed when talking about touchy subjects. There are many ways to express your angry, disappointed, frustrated, etc.. without becoming irrational.
     
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  10. Sloe Djinn

    Sloe Djinn Idiot with Internet Access.

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    *stares at quote*
     
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  11. This

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    Hehe, perhaps I should have clarified "personal things I've written" ;)
     
  12. Troisi

    Troisi Regular Poster

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    I keep everyone at a distance and reserve a private inner life. But once I become extremely close with someone I remove any sense of boundaries. I make myself completely vulnerable to them. Whether this is a good idea or not, I don't know. It just seems to be my immediate nature to do so. It's as if I give myself completely to that person. You're more susceptible to pain, but that fact has never stopped me for some reason.

    I think Fe is boundary-less when forming connections with someone. It seems like it will give up a person's sense of security to allow the other person to feel secure with them.
     
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  13. OP
    Gaze

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    Fi-dominants do this as well.
     
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  14. Sriracha

    Sriracha Not here.
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    Boundaries with partner? Absolutely.

    Boundaries with friends, boss, co-worker? HORRIBLE. :( It's something I'm working on at present.
     
  15. Nixie

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    I keep everyone as far away as possible, all the time. If you get close I will push you away. It takes a lot for me to trust and I really suck at it. I am not trying to fix it either...
     
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  16. Sriracha

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    I realize now that not setting boundaries only gives the opposite person the ability to do as he/she pleases and never gives them the opportunity to learn from their mistakes. We all make mistakes, that's why pencils have erasers. INFJs need to stop worrying so much about what the other people think and advocate for themselves.
     
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  17. NYLilac

    NYLilac Community Member

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    I once dealt with a fellow student who was chasing me, very keen on me (it appeared) and found out from doing some detective work that he had an out-of-state fiance'e he'd failed to mention. Her Facebook wall stated they were engaged, and FB does not let you state you are in a relationship with another FB user without their consent. I even found out that he lived at the same street address as the woman's mom, and he had said that friends he was living with were watching his kids while he went to school. I confronted him, yet he said it was an old FB post and I was jumping to conclusions. I was making a mistake, or so he said. I was angry that he still denied the truth when faced with the evidence. I do not tolerate deception.
    You see, my friends, my previous BF had been a cheater. The whole time we were seeing one another, he was still with his supposed "ex-girlfriend" and had never broken up with her! He's been with her 23 years, still living together though he kept a separate apartment to appear unattached, they have 3 kids, and he was married to another woman from the time they met to last June. He has cheated on her repeatedly, and I find his actions morally repugnant. I hated being deceived.
    So you see why when the red flags came up with the second fellow, I walked away without a backward glance. I figure any man who would go after me while he was in a committed relationship with someone else would cheat on me if I were his fiancee or girlfriend. And I don't consider it right to be a disruptive force in someone else's relationship.
     
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