How does one deal with having been cheated on?

[Odyne]

What do you do with the baggage that past relationships leave you with?





Edit:

To my friends, my current relationship is fine. B and I are doing great.

It's more that the past crept up on me today, and I felt bothered. I wish to no longer feel bothered or saddened by it, but I realized that I don't know how not to. I seem to lack the proper coping tools.

I would sincerely appreciate your guidance and wisdom here, people.
Because I've tried to on my own for a long time, but I was not successful.

 

[Radiantshadow]

Clearly identify and define turmoil resultant of the relationship. Create diagrams containing properties of and reasons for turmoil, with the goal of separating what each person brought to the table in order to analyze how we mixed and what went wrong. Then, consider what aspects of myself and behaviors associated with them were worthy of blame, maladaptive, and/or simply negative in nature, asking first why they are present, how they affected the relationship, and then what can be done to change, destroy, or replace them, if necessary. Rinse and repeat until I can honestly tell myself that the matter is settled - no more can be learned, and I am psychologically healthy enough to bond again without fear of the past repeating itself on my account. Knowing that ghostly residue clings to my mind and could infect future relationships would keep me from moving on until it had been completely burned away. To do otherwise would not be fair, in my eyes.

 

[Sensiko]

i think the baggage will always somewhat be there... but that doesn’t make it necessarily a bad thing... i try not to suppress the emotions but acknowledge them then let them go when they do come up... it was a learning experience that i am grateful for no matter how painful... if anything i find comfort knowing that now i know what i want and my terms...

 

[54192&#cmy]

I am not sure. I don't know if you can really. You are your experiences added up over time. Those experiences whether good or bad are a very part of who you are. To alter them would be to alter yourself. Something you want it seems. I know this feeling. You can do nothing to change the circumstances. Or how you felt about it at the time. Or even when you posted this topic. You can change how you feel about it in the future. At some point we all see that the past is just better left there and the future is still not written. To cling to either removes you from the now. Because the future is uncertain and the past is already written.
So right now is the moment of consciousness. Everything can be seen here right now. Un clutter your mind of these thoughts. Chase them off if you must. Pay no mind to them. They are only trying to trick you into keeping them alive by thinking about them. Thoughts have a way of doing that. Their energy lives inside you. It is alive and people pass it on. It's our job to be aware of it and to stop it. If we do not we will just pass it on and on. Until someone stops it, it will continue to spread. These deeds that others do to one another violate the other person. When they do it to you they have reasoned that it is okay to do so. It's how we deal with this violation that either makes us or breaks us. They may never know the depths of your love. Can anyone ever really convey how another really makes them feel? I know I can't.
It's over. See if you can look at the situation and smile a bit. Maybe even laugh about it. If you can do that your over it. Doesn't mean that you still can't give em the finger. With the right mind and attitude they will know that they deserve it and that you still love them.... ​

 

[endersgone]

Well.. I feel like everyone else has already covered most of the important stuff and/or coping mechanisms ~ so I'm really just reiterating and putting my own spin on the subject.

There will be times when things remind people of their tumultuous past/love lives, it's unavoidable.. we just do the best we can. You've probably realized by now that pain, anger, sadness, etc.. all dissipate with time, but the action (of cheating/betrayal) cannot be undone ~ nor can we erase it from our conscious existence.

You can evolve past most if not all of the negative emotions associated with "it", but realize too that his/her actions will always live on inside of your heart and mind.

All I can say, is do the best you can with what you are dealt..different people cope in different ways ~ I think as long as you're not harboring resentment.. feeling "bothered", is just part of the human experience.. these feelings will pass. (and when they come again they'll be less intense... and so on... and so on).

*Note* This was just my experience with "cheating" ..your experiences, life choices, and coping mechanisms will likely vary... my guess though, is that this will be a distant memory someday soon.. one that has no hold over your emotional well-being.

 

[yepunsarang]

How i've been able to cope with this type of past hurt is see the whole picture of that significant other. Although they may have done something painful to you, it is always for a reason. To view the situation and their personal flaws allows you to piece together what must have happened to them on an internal level. That is when I realized it was impossible for me to fix the situation/beyond my control-- it had nothing to do with me, it's simply that they were in a poor place. When I saw that there were so many personal factors that allowed this person to fall in such a way, I was able to forgive and to move on.

 

[just me]

I do a lot of praying.

The past remains the past, but if not for the past we would not know what we know. We learn from our mistakes. Greater achievements are awaiting us. Sometimes it does not matter how much distance and time we place between ourselves and the things we would much rather forget. I have seen people who cannot turn away from past hurt, and that hurt they carry with them seems to find ways of destroying other things: both spiritual and physical.

When I am visited from a part of my past that bothers me, I am first angry someone should bring it up. I wonder what their motives are. I try to forget again. When it comes from my mind, heart, or spirit: I wonder what I am being taught or what I may have missed. If I stand my ground, I do so with a mostly clear conscience with sorrow for anyone that may have been hurt. I am, for whatever purposes God has bestowed upon me, who I am: one that sees down the road. Those close to me realize this early on. It is hard to plow a straight line looking back.

 

[say what]

I dealt with cheating by ignoring it in my relationship, and was afraid of losing the individual I loved and not being able to cope. I lost the individual, and was able to cope and survive. Now I know that one way not to deal with cheating is to ignore it. For me, if someone cheated on me again, I think I would have to end the relationship. The resentment over it happening, and the fear it would happen again, made me miserable.

I'm not sure how to deal with it in future relationships except that accept that it might happen- but don't dwell on it. People will cheat regardless of you worrying about it. And now that I know that I can cope with having a broken heart, I know I'll survive if it happens again.


but this is coming from a gal who has an emotional wall up that practically spans the circumference of Russia...so maybe I haven't even dealt with it at all!