How do you recognize deception in a partner? | INFJ Forum

How do you recognize deception in a partner?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 18, 2010.

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  1. Gaze

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    How do or did you recognize deception in a romantic partner/lover?



    How would or did you handle it?





    Edit:
    If you've experienced this, how did it affect you?
     
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    #1 Gaze, Jul 18, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2010
  2. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    Actions reveal more about a person's character (including trustworthiness) than words ever will. Listen to what they say, but pay more attention to what they do and how they do it, than their purported intentions.
     
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  3. 894tt3h9

    On Holiday

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    They'll suddenly become withdrawn. The tone they usually speak to you in will change. Their topics of conversation will deviate from the norm. I think most people can tell when something is going on that's not being said. I think it depends on the magnitude of the deception.

    For me, I can pick up on it miles and miles away. I watch and I wait. And when the time is right I call them out on it. I don't believe in letting things drag out, but I like having substantial evidence before taking action.
     
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  4. Feelings

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    Tie them down and waterboard them. Or pick up some supplies from a spy shop. Both excellent choices.

    I would lose my head and go completely apeshit. Don't think I'd physically hurt anyone, or do anything real malicious or nasty. But I'd be filled with rage. I'm inherently very unforgiving and this would be no exception!
     
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  5. slant

    slant amour-propre
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    I think by the time one of your friends starts telling you he's got no time to do any of his college schoolwork because he is the ceo of a company and flies to europe all the time, plus an actor and has a second home in california, plus owns a studio downtown for recording and video editing, plus has a dog that has diabetes and has seizures if he doesn't get enough calories every day, plus looks like a tweaker....

    you can know you've been deceived, if you can even count such ridiculous lies as deception.
     
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  6. OP
    Gaze

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    Question added.
     
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  7. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    When I heard those words it felt like all the air was being sucked out of my body and the black hole in me began to suddenly yawn wide open. [scream]

    So I pulled back from the abyss and we talked. He promised to end it. I thought that was that...

    It was the 2nd phase of his affair that broke me open tho....'cause he lied. He did not end it. And he lied and lied and we fought and fought about it. He viciously hurt me deliberately about nothing.

    That was the biggest heartache out of it all. Not so much the affair. People go through those things for a variety of reasons and most are not at all about love.

    But the lies? And the deliberate intent to hurt me?
    That broke the bond for sure - and me also.

    In the end I told him if she made him happy - then I'd not stand in his way. So - I let him go.

    And damned if he didn't come back. We went through counseling and we regained most of what was lost. Not all though. The bond just never came back all the way like it had before his affair. I miss it - that easy connection we had. I miss having a bond like that with someone.
     
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  8. Reon

    Reon Midnight's Garden

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    Body language changed. More secretive. Less open to talking. More closed off body language, etc. Perhaps an abstract change to the theoretical (Well....if this WAS to happen...would you be mad) Obvious guilt.


    Well. Honestly, I'd like to say that I'd give them a chance...I really would. Honestly, though, I think I'd probably immediately cut them off because actions speak louder than words and, also, I'm not good at forgetting things...Forgiving? Yes. Not forgetting. Trust is a big issue with me. Well...it depends on how much I like/love that person and the level of transgression they committed.

    I haven't been deceived by anyone I cared about (deceived meaning lied to) but I have been deceived by my old best friends. They were basically using me as a source of information and actually didn't care about me. I knew that, hence why I really didn't hang out with them.
     
  9. Tulip

    Tulip Community Member

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    if your intuition tells you things are no longer the same...
    if you sense that the love has withered...
    if you feel that he does not care about you as much as before...

    deception or not is not important any more...
    except that finding it out would only make you feel more hurt
    ...and allowing you to make your decision easier.

    :rain:
     
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  10. BostonAndy

    BostonAndy Community Member

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    I was dating a bisexual guy for a while and I got a promotion that put me in a different town. We adjusted by taking turns each weekend going to each others homes. I began hearing news from his friends that he had been sleeping with someone while I was gone. Being the "E" that I am in the Enfj, I imediately asked him about it.

    his response was to bot only deny but to nake me feel guilty for having believed it enough to ask him about it.

    about three months later, he tearfully confessed that he had in fact been cheating and that he was sorry.

    I am usually on the more understanding side of things when it comes to this kind of stuff, and try to work it out, but after three months, I realized that my trust in him hasd so completely eroded that I couldn't enjoy his company anymore.

    so I ended the relationship. to this day, his friends say that I was unfair in the way that I handled it. For me the cheating was not really the issue. the issue was that trust had eroded so much for me that I felt little to no closeness to him. the act wasn't the issue, the denial afterwards was what got me.
     
  11. driro

    driro Community Member

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    What made you stay in the relationship? I am curious? security, family, children? Either way, it must have been a difficult choice and I admire you for being strong and resilient.

    How do or did you recognize deception in a partner?
    Intuition and finally substantial evidence.

    How would or did you handle it?
    Pain, crippling fear and insecurity - don't recommend to others!
     
    #11 driro, Jul 18, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2010
  12. Russ84

    Russ84 Community Member

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    My ex-girlfriend and I were together for close to three years. It was the only serious relationship that I have ever had. Never before, or since, have I opened up and given someone my heart like that.

    Sometime during the third year, I started getting the feeling that something was not right. I remember once thinking that she might be cheating on me, but quickly buried that thought. I trusted her. In its place, I attributed it to stress from her classes. A few months later, I found out, from the guy she was sleeping with, that she was not being faithful. After confronting her about it, she finally admitted it. I placed the key to her house on the table and walked out. I have not seen or talked to her since.

    I did not handle it well. I attempted to drown my grief by drinking until I passed out every night for several weeks. I stopped going to class, I did not talk to anyone, I only left my room to go buy more alcohol and occasionally get something to eat.

    This, I have never told anyone. I sat there one night, with the gun in my hand. I wanted it to end, I accepted the finality for myself. Thoughts of everyone I knew and how it would affect them coursed through my mind. And then I saw, in my mind, my mom at my funeral. Agony and anguish contorted her face. How could I be so selfish? I am ashamed and frightened that I came so close.

    I know that I have gone beyond the scope of this thread, and I apologize, but I just felt like I needed to talk about this. It has been a little over two years since this all went down, and although I still have my occasional bad days, I am the happiest I have ever been and enjoy and cherish life more now than ever before.
     
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  13. driro

    driro Community Member

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    @ Russ84, I am glad you were being able to share your experiences with others on the forum. I personally believe that sharing your experiences with others and finding out you were not alone can help tremendously in terms of coping strategies. I am so delighted that you are living a healthy, fulfilling and happy life. I find it fascinating how strong we are as human beings and have the ability to turn our life around positively :becky:
     
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  14. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    I know how you felt. I was very close to that myself.

    Don't be ashamed. Almost everyone I know who's been betrayed that way has felt like they wanted to die. It's nice to see you've recovered very well and can enjoy happiness!
     
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  15. Kgal

    Kgal Magic Star Dust
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    What made me stay in the relationship? It happened almost 7 years ago so my perspective now is different than then.

    I think then it was a combination of these factors:

    1. He was my soul mate. I am a romantic through and through and when we came together I was complete for the first time in a long long time. I was bonded to him.
    2. He had had affairs on other wives when I met him so I was prepared that it may happen with us. Tis the nature of the beast...
    3. Later I discovered that I have issues with abandonment and I suspect this played a large part in my wanting to stay with him.
    4. We had been together for 13 years and frankly I still liked him. He was my best friend. That's hard to let go.

    Lastly - I am the type of person who forgives easily and I don't live in the past by holding on to wrongs done to me.

    Thank you for the compliment!
     
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  16. just me

    just me GONE

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    Smart enough to get out of something I was stupid enough to get into.
     
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  17. acd

    acd Well-known member

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    Extreme changes in behavior/mood.

    I usually piece it together and then confront...

    I put up with a liar for too long and fell for/was in denial of all the same lies until I got sick of him and dumped him for good. Glad I did. I haven't had to go through deception in my current relationship.. it's not a part of a good relationship.
    I won't handle it by making room for it or excusing it.
    It's a deal breaker.
     
  18. Trifoilum

    Trifoilum find wisdom, build hope.

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    Never had one, but...in platonic relationships; A surge of intuition; seeing things that ain't shown, things that being shown, and....at one point intuition just kicked in. Mind you, I am very generalizing here; not only deception, but omission; "I...feel like there's something they hide." I'm kinda paranoid + intuitive when it comes to this.

    Strangely (or maybe not) I rarely confront it. So it stays on the realm of assumption. I just went on a mini doorslam. "Well, they have their reasons, if I'm right, and I am entitled to feel anything about that. If I'm wrong, then. good thing."

    Obviously a bad thing. >_>;

    Felt betrayed, then went completely cold. Having a massive, acute doorslam. Then put a polite, nice face and promised inside to spend more time alone.
    Again, not a good thing to do.
     
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