how do you handle people's lack of empathy?

[NK278]

Empathy or sympathy? There's a difference you know.

Empathy. I'm not a fan of people who feel sorry for me.


empathy, understanding the situation at hand should be taken in consideration. Example is, a few thinker type friends, 2 female whom I've known for years can't seem to understand my current state of thoughts and I'm sharing more but, then I'm told comments that are super "judge-y". And I'm thinking, this is why I don't share my deeper feelings! But, I'm understanding more. I'm actually reading a book about attachment theory but for treating clients because I'm weird. And apparently, cutting off people serves to protect the relationship because it is the system cooling off. And what's strange is I usually do that (minus the love life nightmare pattern), but this girl I'm friends with since I was 12, I'll like disappear on her for MONTHS .. and then now I'm not and being open (more capable of tolerating more) and she's all weird. And I'm understanding why I disappear because her response to me triggers old crusty neurons in my brain that need to be rewired. There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm on crack. And I'm using a random forum to bounce my thoughts and feelings about everything as I'm learning stuff academically and whilst putting it in practice. Lol!! I'm crazy!! No one gets me!

I don't care. I get me mucho better which is all that matters.

Really ... I should be extending my empathy to you guys for tolerating my crazy! Lol!!


Ugh ... fml .. not really but still.

Cognitive "work" reduces my "feeling" in the moment stuff which is understandably painful.
Thank you for tolerating my crazy. I'm sorry I'm a crazy kitty.

 

[sprinkles]

Empathy. I'm not a fan of people who feel sorry for me.


empathy, understanding the situation at hand should be taken in consideration. Example is, a few thinker type friends, 2 female whom I've known for years can't seem to understand my current state of thoughts and I'm sharing more but, then I'm told comments that are super "judge-y". And I'm thinking, this is why I don't share my deeper feelings! But, I'm understanding more. I'm actually reading a book about attachment theory but for treating clients because I'm weird. And apparently, cutting off people serves to protect the relationship because it is the system cooling off. And what's strange is I usually do that (minus the love life nightmare pattern), but this girl I'm friends with since I was 12, I'll like disappear on her for MONTHS .. and then now I'm not and being open (more capable of tolerating more) and she's all weird. And I'm understanding why I disappear because her response to me triggers old crusty neurons in my brain that need to be rewired. There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm on crack. And I'm using a random forum to bounce my thoughts and feelings about everything as I'm learning stuff academically and whilst putting it in practice. Lol!! I'm crazy!! No one gets me!

I don't care. I get me mucho better which is all that matters.

Really ... I should be extending my empathy to you guys for tolerating my crazy! Lol!!


Ugh ... fml .. not really but still.

Cognitive "work" reduces my "feeling" in the moment stuff which is understandably painful.
Thank you for tolerating my crazy. I'm sorry I'm a crazy kitty.

Yeah that is so me from a while ago. o.o

I get you. Really.

But some times getting people doesn't mean getting them... you know? I mean here it's just fine, I can say that I have empathy because I can totally relate. I could have said the same things of myself in the past!

However that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to in a more difficult situation that might have a conflict of interests or cognitive dissonance. I know with me that I often times worry about how people might feel but I end up setting it aside to free me up for pursuing certain ends. Some times that's a huge stress for me - knowing that I might be a bother, I might even be a bitch, but there's something that I'm after and people are simply in the way. I feel them in the way, it some times even hurts, but they're still in my fucking way of my goal.

 

[rawr]

Empathy. I'm not a fan of people who feel sorry for me.

sympathy!=pity

not exclusively. i view it more of an understanding of emotion, and maybe a slight bit of relation, whereas i think empathy is more...involved? it goes beyond understanding to feeling it with the person, a mutual experiencing of emotions, rather than just an understanding.

I can understand and maybe feel slightly bad for someone if something bad happens, i just almost never experience that emotion with them.

 

[NK278]

Yeah that is so me from a while ago. o.o

I get you. Really.

But some times getting people doesn't mean getting them... you know? I mean here it's just fine, I can say that I have empathy because I can totally relate. I could have said the same things of myself in the past!

However that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm going to in a more difficult situation that might have a conflict of interests or cognitive dissonance. I know with me that I often times worry about how people might feel but I end up setting it aside to free me up for pursuing certain ends. Some times that's a huge stress for me - knowing that I might be a bother, I might even be a bitch, but there's something that I'm after and people are simply in the way. I feel them in the way, it some times even hurts, but they're still in my fucking way of my goal.

I think the point I'm learning is when these situations happen, the lack of, as they say, "mirroring" (which you'll read in business books as well as psychological books), when that lack is there it triggers feelings of rejection. So I'll detach but now wanting to not detach because I need people due too circumstances of life and reality, I have to learn and ride out uncomfortable feelings reminiscent of outdated coping patterns.

Likewise, I'm able to have empathy for those who hurt me and think I'm the jerk for voicing my feelings. They detach as well because at the point of cut off, I triggered outdated coping patterns so as to avoid painful or vulnerable feelings. Normal people just don't cut people off all nonchalant.

Seriously though, the recommended book the other day in another thread I bought only to see the referenced sources and then searched as if I was a professional, lol! Why pay a psychologist when I can read a book written for them? That stuff is easy for me to "get". Ask me to program the remote control and I'm fucked. Lol!

Weird .. I threw up a thread. Get feedback. Feel sad. Don't want to feel sad. Open the newest book. Read 4 chapters and I'm better. Well, still kinda sad. There are people who don't understand me and a few who probably hate me and I love them all but I have to not care. That part still sucks ... it's really too much. That makes me sad. Like I love my brain. But I have the 2 core thing. I frustrate people. And it's too much work for them to understand. Anyways that's the hard part. It's like I need that logical understanding or I'm all over the place. And the twisted part is, I go for logical types who can't stand psychological ramblings. It's triggering for whatever they want neat and tidy stored away. Wtf. I can't win. I'm damnd if I do, I'm damnd if I don't. Boooooooo.

That was me booing being sensitive sucks.

 

[NK278]

[MENTION=9054]BrightWhiteHeart[/MENTION] I'm understanding. Just sensitive. I don't want too build walls after I broke them. But I have to just wait and let things be till feelings are easier. I have to not take it to heart when people I love don't understand me and their criticisms hurt. I'm gonna try. Thank you so much for your thoughts. <3

[MENTION=2240]rawr[/MENTION] you're right. I don't know why I associate sympathy with pity. I shouldn't do that. It was an important reminder to not push people away with the all by myself mentality.

 

[ThisIsWhoIAm]

I find people by and large aren't very empathetic. I myself at times as well. However, I notice that the majority of those who are empathetic are those detached from the person. It's easy to extend empathy to strangers. But when it's someone who knows all your flaws, they tend to frame you rigidly as opposed to seeing you as a person anymore and emphasizing with the DETAILS within the larger picture as opposed to seeing only the bigger picture full of their very own filter. It feels cruel and unnecessarily arrogant.

I read a book recently called "just listen" and it's good in conjunction towards enneagram I felt because the enneagram tool is so good at shedding your biases and bringing attention toward blind spots, that it's complimentary in that it improves communication from a healthier stand point. Interestingly enough they had a chapter about self bias (easily translatable toward enneagram material) and it made me all the more keenly aware of people's incapacity towards empathy. I'm very optimistic despite the current circumstances and overwhelming moods (which considering the bigger picture is reasonable) and yet, I'm struggling to emphasize with people's criticism and rigidity in thought towards my behavior and thought process. They dismiss my person as irrational or unstable when it's really their filter which appears arrogant but I know at heart they're not arrogant or cruel. This applies to a handful of people who know me personally including one of my parents. It's just making the process I'm going through harder.

I'm terribly sensitive to it. And I'm trying to emphasize by imagining what it's like to lack or not have as strong an EQ, which is really something I've researched and worked for over the years. This in itself challenges my EQ. To be more kind, compassionate and understanding that they can't understand, relate and that they're doing what comes natural to prevent uncomfortable feelings within themselves. It's sort of ironic. Anyways ... how do you strengthen (?) Or be more understanding of people's lack of empathy?

I'll always be a sensitive person but it would be terribly counter intuitive to allow another's unintentional ignorance to push me back towards an avoidance stance. The irony is that my attempts at overcoming my avoidant behavior is criticized and I'm fighting the urge to go back to being afraid and hiding my emotions, closing up. Any thoughts or suggestions? Can you relate or understand what I'm trying to say?

I understand. I'm a very empathetic person. I've learned over the years that when you encounter unempathetic people or even sadistic violent ones (even if it's only verbal) it's sometimes very useful to be cruel yourself. Funny thing about cruel people is, when you are empathetic towards them they view it as weakness and feel disdain towards you, but when you are cruel towards them they feel empathy for you, because they identify with it, and even if they hate themselves to some extent, they still love themselves enough to feel compassionate about their state of existence. In short, they see themselves in you when you act cruel back. You'll have to use your EQ and IQ to know when to be cruel and when to be compassionate with cruelerz. Good luck you seem like a really cool person.

Edit: The best warriors are the most sensitive ones. Sensitivity has two sides.

 

[Love_Conquers_All]

In regards to the title. Back hand them! Empathy is a choice, everyone naturally has it. Relating to anyone on an emotional level of some sort is considered empathy. It can be humor too, empathy is not always dealing with sad emotional states, that's more sympathy than anything. [MENTION=2240]rawr[/MENTION] you definitely have empathy, deal with it.

 

[sprinkles]

In regards to the title. Back hand them! Empathy is a choice, everyone naturally has it. Relating to anyone on an emotional level of some sort is considered empathy. It can be humor too, empathy is not always dealing with sad emotional states, that's more sympathy than anything. [MENTION=2240]rawr[/MENTION] you definitely have empathy, deal with it.

I don't see that as being empathy. How can you choose to have feelings?

More importantly, how could you choose to have specific feelings that you want and still have feelings actually be worth anything?

 

[Love_Conquers_All]

I don't see that as being empathy. How can you choose to have feelings?

More importantly, how could you choose to have specific feelings that you want and still have feelings actually be worth anything?

Everyone has emotions, whether you connect to them or not? that's completely different. also I apologize I missed part of the definition of empathy.
Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others. also I recommend looking up the difference between emotions and feelings they are not the same thing. There are different schools of thought on the two so try to read a few different articles and form your own perspective. Also choosing what to experience is an essential part of life, why would you want to let external stimuli force you into anything you didn't want to experience? if you can choose differently why not go for it?

 

[sprinkles]

Everyone has emotions, whether you connect to them or not? that's completely different. also I apologize I missed part of the definition of empathy.
Empathy is the ability to mutually experience the thoughts, emotions, and direct experience of others. also I recommend looking up the difference between emotions and feelings they are not the same thing. There are different schools of thought on the two so try to read a few different articles and form your own perspective. Also choosing what to experience is an essential part of life, why would you want to let external stimuli force you into anything you didn't want to experience? if you can choose differently why not go for it?

Maybe some things are more important than what we want.

 

[Joshua]

I empathize with them. I have a non-empathetic friend, and she's thinking not feeling, so I understand that. There is a reason for everything. Don't be frustrated with the person, be frustrated with the reason behind it (or, better yet, accept it).

 

[bagelriffic]

Agree with lca on the difference between sympathy and empathy. Here's an example of empathy.

I was making a right hand turn on to a different road once and the car behind me passed me before I could complete the turn continuing down the road I was previously on. I thought to myself 'really man? I couldn't get off the road fast enough for you or something?' As I got a little further down the road I started reflecting on whyhe might do that and realized if I myself had been in his car I might have been thinking something like 'there's a car behind me that I'm slowing down, i gotta get around this guy.' Or 'damn gonna be late for work again I can't lose this job or well lose our house!'

I don't know what the reason ultimately was, and I don't give permission to others to treat me badly, but when i put myself in that guys car my anger was gone and I felt more open and curious of his behavior and felt more like a human myself.

So sympathy is like 'aw you lost your job, that sucks but I'm glad I'm not you.' Empathy is like 'what would it feel like if I were the one who lost my job and had a kid to feed? What would I think, how would I feel, what would I do?' Its weird because I almost feel like its something I do for myself more than other people.