How do you deal with fake people?
- Thread starter Artemisia
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Fake people are OK I guess. It's challenging but I try not to judge because most people are just doing their best. If they knew how to do better, they would probably do it. Sometimes someone gives me a bad feeling and I try to steer clear of them. Ultimately I think there's not much that I can do to change others so I try to accept them and when necessary to work with them the way they are. But, it is really difficult at times.
I still think we're talking about a few different kinds of 'fake' people.
1. The Sleazy Fake. The type of fake person attempting to get you to think a certain way or do something they know you might not want to do by oiling you up with niceties that simulate a relationship the two of you don't actually share.
2. The Polite or Nervous Fake. The type of person who is hesitant about connecting with you and navigates the social sphere with practised platitudes rather than genuine feeling while secretly hoping you'll buy it and leave them the fudge peanut butter alone.
3. The Fake That Isn't Actually A Fake But Appears So Damn Perky They've Taken Up Residence in Uncanny Valley. This type of person has mastered the art of the first impression and smoothed out all the chinks in their social armour. They appear perfect. Naturally, that makes you suspect something is up. Nobody is perfect. You check the back of thr neck for a barcode. Nothing there. You're still convinced they're evil somehow.
Am I missing any others?!
1. The Sleazy Fake. The type of fake person attempting to get you to think a certain way or do something they know you might not want to do by oiling you up with niceties that simulate a relationship the two of you don't actually share.
2. The Polite or Nervous Fake. The type of person who is hesitant about connecting with you and navigates the social sphere with practised platitudes rather than genuine feeling while secretly hoping you'll buy it and leave them the fudge peanut butter alone.
3. The Fake That Isn't Actually A Fake But Appears So Damn Perky They've Taken Up Residence in Uncanny Valley. This type of person has mastered the art of the first impression and smoothed out all the chinks in their social armour. They appear perfect. Naturally, that makes you suspect something is up. Nobody is perfect. You check the back of thr neck for a barcode. Nothing there. You're still convinced they're evil somehow.
Am I missing any others?!
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Well, here's what I try to keep in mind, I truly believe that most people generally present themselves how they want to be seen, not necessarily how they truly are. In that respect, most people are "fake" to varying degrees. It's up to you whether or not you choose to look beyond the facade, and it's up to the other person to let their colors fly... or not.
Excellent description! These are the fake people I come into contact with most often. I follow my intuition and refrain from getting too close to them against what most others think and sometimes these fake people publicly fall. I never gloat, well maybe internally a little, but it happens often enough that I feel justified in my unpopular opinion.
This is a brilliant description. Too good to be true is too good to be true. I was hanging out with a group of people for months up until a few months ago. I often hung out in their house and slept over etc. This girl there was the perfect example of that. She was very pretty (no crime), but she had a very well constructed self image, meaning she used it to deceive others. She always wore something like an Alice band in her hair e.g. carefully constructed pretty innocence. She had all the right social graces, and never said anything bad about anyone else. But after a few months I started to notice inconsistencies. She would mention things about other people or events, in a very indirect way, so it'd be hard unless you were aware, to suspect she was screwing someone. She would make it seem like the opposite to that. Still I started to notice she was screwing with me all the time, she stitched things up all the so that other people were reacting to things and to me, and I was like WTF. I couldn't understand what was going on until I realised she had an uncanny (evil) ability to know very easily the opinions, wishes and fears of others, and being a compulsive liar, knew how to ramp things up and manipulate people and situations all the time to her advantage. However she was a lot of fun, needed constant stimulation and was naturally the centre of things. She was also a serial man eater, needless to say, and despite having a circle of 'friends', I don't think she really had any real friends to speak of. Despite being a social wizard, if you scratched the surface, beyond her social ease, there was nothing there at all, no inner self to speak of at all.
I started calling her out on her behaviour and fake innocence, and then it was game over...I just had to disappear, I swear I saw the barcode on her neck and ran a mile.
I usually can spot a fake person face to face on the first encounter. There is just that feels around them that makes me uncomfortable. With a fake person:
1.) i Usually am silent around them and id be in my resting B face, or just ignore them.
2.) i do my best to not associate with them whatsoever, but if i have to associate with them (like work or upon requirements), i keep my communication to the shortest possible moment.
3.) but if they so trample me by saying something untrue of me & my patience has wear out for the longest possible time i could give, well i accidentally end up introducing them to my controlled Mr Hyde mode.
1.) i Usually am silent around them and id be in my resting B face, or just ignore them.
2.) i do my best to not associate with them whatsoever, but if i have to associate with them (like work or upon requirements), i keep my communication to the shortest possible moment.
3.) but if they so trample me by saying something untrue of me & my patience has wear out for the longest possible time i could give, well i accidentally end up introducing them to my controlled Mr Hyde mode.
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Your post (and @Melissa's) made me think about one little caveat about this kind of social veneer. Namely, the people who chiefly guide themselves by social niceties and saying the right thing and the cracks that appear; not the maneating/manipulating/screwing people over. lol. That's more a matter of character than function.
But yeah, not a direct answer to your posts, ladies, but rather just a general jump off point. Let me see if I can explain this right...
I totally get your aversion towards these people if you saw evidence of being maliciously manipulated or lied to on purpose using immense charm and charisma. And admittedly, it's hard to trust someone that seems to have everything gripping all the edges and corners just a little too well. However, I think sometimes people encounter someone like this and then write off all seemingly socially perfect people as 'fake.' There are different types of personalities out there with different goals and priorities that may not mesh with one's own and because of that seem like they're putting in airs.
This makes me think of Fe (both dominant and auxilliary) wherein the focus is almost completely off the self and more on bringing harmony to the environment and what other people/the situation needs. They make little adjustments to fit in and align with the flow. Some do it so well that they appear socially perfect, but they don't even realize that's what they're doing. It's not 'fake,' it's genuinely how they are wired.
I know, because I do this. I'm not socially 'perfect' by any means but I do sometimes get a little *too* in line with what I feel is the social ideal necessary to balance a situation or perspective. And I can tell you that I don't experience myself as fake. Whatever I say and do is genuine to what I'm thinking and feeling because I align to the needs of my environment and internally reflect them. And yet, sometimes my motives get questioned because people don't get what's going on beneath the surface. It's different from what they think, so therefore, I must be lying or selling them something.
The 'fall' you describe is usually when someone gets caught up in the grip of their inferior function. It doesn't mean you were right about them all along--at least in the sense that they're 'fake' just because they finally showed a crack in their consistency. It just means that people are complex. Eventually Fe does falter, as does Ne, Te, Se and everything else. The trouble is, it's less acceptable for Fe to falter because suddenly it stops being about other people and more about the person themselves. At which point, some people will point to it and say, 'hah! I *knew* there was a *real* person under there! That you weren't all about harmony or had my best interests at heart! You had some ulterior motive! Fake, fake, fake!'
It's why a lot of people who are used to fitting into the confidant and advisor role sometimes find themselves without anyone to hear them out when it's their turn to experience a crisis. A lot of people see what they suddenly think was a 'mask' drop and then feel like they don't really know this person, or what to do when the person who previously seemed to have all the answers is suddenly in need of some too.
Essentially, what I'm trying to say is, there needs to be a better definition for what is 'fake' while taking into account that some people may *appear* fake just because they think and behave a certain way. Sometimes it's just their personality and how they process things; it doesn't have to mean they have nefarious intentions.
I think it's important to observe people and not be too, too quick to judge. It's totally human to judge people who are not like ourselves, but if it can be helped, being conscious of the fact that sometimes our judgments can be faulty and that there are other possible ways to read a situation are incredibly important. We might write someone off for entirely the wrong reason.
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In the situation I mention the two^ blended perfectly together. I take your point though.
I think, in my mind at least, it goes back to the question of whether someone is fake and has malicious intent, or just fake without malicious intent. Appearances in both cases can be quite similar, but the effects quite different. I don't have an issues with the 'facile' fake, they're quite easy to read, and intentions not usually at all bad. The 'manipulative' fake I think is a lot harder to spot. (I hope that doesn't sound like a contradiction- I know what I mean). I think the malevolent fake actually looks less fake on the outside, they're the scary ones. The putting people at ease in social situations 'fake' could be viewed as the 'nice' fake in comparison.
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Mmmm, still a little unsure about the wording. Apologies for being nitpicky as I clarify this. Any kind of person can always *appear* fake to you if you have a certain idea of what people *should* be like, but that doesn't mean they don't genuinely think and feel a certain way. Even the manipulators are complex human beings with genuine feelings even if their motives are questionable. That should be the key distinction, I think. How can anyone look at a person and say, 'yeah, they're not a real person because they don't behave the way I expect them to behave and therefore they can't be feeling what I think they *should* be feeling.'
Mind you, I do agree motive is a good way to separate the two. That being said, I think @Free and @Jet have got the right attitude here.
As I was typing this response, I went back and read your earlier post, @Melissa and realize you've already responded to this in the affirmative. Sorry for the repetition.
I just edited my post...so maybe that'll help. I can see I've got to get my words right with you, I've a bad one for expressing myself in general ideas and concepts..so could be tough for me.
You are nitpicky (but that's ok, it's good for me because I'm not)
I think this is boiling down to the classification of 'fake' to you. I'm not saying that these people are not 'real' people, of course they're real people. I'm just pointing out which type of fake would bother me the most, I also agree that manipulators are real people, with real feeling and motivations.. I understand that, but sadly, as they're very hard to understand and get through to, I rather prefer avoiding that kind of fake. I don't think they don't deserve a place on this earth, but just rather not spend time with them.
Yes, it definitely is about classification of what is 'fake' and also to encourage people not to write someone off too quickly. When we remember people are people, we tend to be more careful about that. In that sense I was being nitpicky to bring it back to the general, not necessarily to get specifically on your case. Sorry if I made you feel like I was!
And I totally agree. It's best to give the habitual liars and manipulators a wide berth and in general, hang out with people that bring out the best in you instead. Nothing wrong with that.
- Aug 21, 2015
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What if, like, everyone on this forum is a bot and everyone we are talking with is fake?
@atree, I think your right to get to the detail in this. I'm a one for generalising, but sometimes that can be dangerous, or at least it is worth thinking things through more. I think this is quite a complicated topic actually, the more you delve into it. It's made me wonder, does it matter if a fake person knows they're being fake or not. e.g. is the 'motivation' better or worse if the person is aware of spinning people a line (being fake) or not? Or does it not make any difference really?Yes, it definitely is about classification of what is 'fake' and also to encourage people not to write someone off too quickly. When we remember people are people, we tend to be more careful about that. In that sense I was being nitpicky to bring it back to the general, not necessarily to get specifically on your case. Sorry if I made you feel like I was!
And I totally agree. It's best to give the habitual liars and manipulators a wide berth and in general, hang out with people that bring out the best in you instead. Nothing wrong with that.
You could argue that sometimes people, whether they are aware of it or not, have such a strong (unconscious) motivation to behave a certain way, that even if they re aware they can't help they're behaviour. Usually though I think they hide the behaviour even from themselves. I think my friend was like that. She was mostly unaware of her behaviour through denial. But I did see a few times, some awareness of her actions come to the surface, and then it was pushed back down again. Anyway I have to say I really liked her as a person and I was really disappointed when it worked out the way it did.
Ahh!!! The irony and complexities of human relations... to understand others so well, yet be misunderstood back in return... very complex indeed.
everyone is fake really but honestly i just feel sad for them for not having any independent thought,unless they're sociopaths which means they're only using you for your own goals given that they are being fake with you,or psychopaths,or sometimes narcissists