In the book, Please Understand Me, it says that INFJs are most vulnerable to having their archetypal material eroded. My question is, How do I become more genuine if I feel such a great need to bond with, help, mentor, and nurture others while also living outside of their expectations? The more I'm around my usual friends, the more constrained I feel. I've been spending a lot more time alone - away from critical/unaffirming people and away from people who I don't feel free around.
How do I remain who I am?
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There is a saying I love: "If you kicked the person in the butt for the majority of your problems, you wouldn't sit for a week."
You need to be aware that because you feel like you have to be a chameleon to everyone else, YOU are actually projecting your problems and insecurities onto them. I think you would be surprised how many people out there are accepting of you as yourself. If not, why do you want to be their friend?
When I let my guard down and stopped caring about what others thought, I acquired more friends. Go figure.
You need to be aware that because you feel like you have to be a chameleon to everyone else, YOU are actually projecting your problems and insecurities onto them. I think you would be surprised how many people out there are accepting of you as yourself. If not, why do you want to be their friend?
When I let my guard down and stopped caring about what others thought, I acquired more friends. Go figure.
I agree with Sriracha. . be who you are. .and chill about it. .those that are worth having in your circle will apprecitate you for who you are. . I find as I get older I care less about the judgements of others. .
Always be who you are and don't doubt what you are given by nature. Enjoy and give from your heart. This is enough.
others have much unique valuable and useful mentoring nurturing and advice to give too regardless of type or often even progress on personal journey.
If you are truly an INFJ, you will remain one. And, you will always remain who you are. But, that shouldn't mean you are stagnant and don't change. A full, vibrant life of willingly accepted challenge, and the ability to experience it fully, means that you are always changing. That's called growth.
I agree with this.
At one hand you shouldn't change yourself to that extend that you don't feel like you anymore. Because one way or the other it will bounce back to you and you'll turn into your true self again
on the other hand, you can't stay exactly yourself. Interactions with others in daily life will always aquire some changes in your behaviour. Everybody has to do this in order to find common ground. And this kind of changes helps you to grow as a person, to broaden your personality. And the more you do this the better you are able to change and handle different kinds of situations
also we can have adopted personality treads, habits, likes and dislikes, opinions and values from others. Are they then throughly our identity? And if these treads prevent you from reaching your full potential, wouldn't it be better for you if you changed them?
for example I have the habit to react very defensively when someone talks to me in a dominant way. Now my boyfriend often comes across as dominant and triggers that reaction with me and he wants me to change that. I now have to options
1. I don't want to change my behaviour since that is who I am, so eventualy I break up with him
2. I can look into that behaviour and ask myself some questions: where does that behaviour comes from? Is it something that defines my character or is it a behaviour that I adopted as a mechanism to survive? Does this behaviour works with me or against me. Is my boyfriend realy trying to dominate me or is it just an misinterpretation of me?
In my case I think I adopted this behaviour in my childhood. My father has always been very dominant towards me. My opinion was always crashed and burned by him. Now that I'm older, I have realised that my opinion do count and I absolutely don't want to get stuck in that same situation again, therefore my strong reaction. But my boyfriend is not my father, he is not trying to dominate me. The problem is that he has a very direct way of talking and I'm sensitive to that.
So now we decided that he will try to be less direct and listen more and I on the other hand will try to stay calm, ask for more information and not jump to conclusions. In this way we both change our behaviour but we will both grow
so you always have to find the balance between change and remaining yourself. Change the treads that work against you but keep the treads that truly belong to you
I'm struggling with this myself right now. I have to spend almost everyday with people I dont trust, who will stab me in the back and dont get to see my friends face to face that often anymore. everyday is a struggle and I find myself becoming more cynical, negative and selfish. But when I get every chance to get away from all that I do get away and I feel better, even if its for a while.
Can you elaborate on what you mean?
You have to remember being a chameleon is something an INFJ feels they have to be, but in doing so it assumes that the others won't like INFJs for who they really are. Do we really know what others want? At the same time is it fair for everyone else to be in true form, but not us? We have to remember that yes, so many of us are able to get a glimpse of how others view other people ... but that's just it ... a glimpse. I hope that kind of clarifies. LOL
The advice in this thread so far has been excellent. To elaborate slightly on Sriracha's point, people will think more of you if you don't stress to much about what they think of you. If you constantly try to adjust to them, and obviously worry about what they think of you, then you'll come off as that needy person who always tries to please everybody 'cause they're desperate... just relax. Obviously don't be rude, just be true to yourself and don't worry as much about other people's opinions. That way, you can be yourself, and other people will enjoy spending time with you because you give out a relaxing vibe.
Also, I would strongly warn against becoming too involved or obsessed with Myers Briggs Typology. As others have said, it's unhealthy to define yourself by a combination of four-letters, and to think that you have to take on every characteristic of the INFJ when you yourself are a person who is so much more than that. Try to develop a positive self-image, and know that if other people don't like you, it's probably because they don't see who you really are.
Also, I would strongly warn against becoming too involved or obsessed with Myers Briggs Typology. As others have said, it's unhealthy to define yourself by a combination of four-letters, and to think that you have to take on every characteristic of the INFJ when you yourself are a person who is so much more than that. Try to develop a positive self-image, and know that if other people don't like you, it's probably because they don't see who you really are.
Also, acting other than what you are is a tremendous strain and sure to exhaust even the most stalwart of INFJs. Not only don't we know what others want, they usually don't know what they want even when they think they do.
Genuineness and stagnancy are not the same.
Genuineness and integrity are also not the same.
Growth and experiences, compared to losing ourselves, are also not the same.
Not all growth and experiences we feel in our lives will made us bad; even if it goes against what we feel is our road and directions.
Alternatively, not all growth and experiences we feel in our lives is beneficial and/or building and/or enjoyable, but who can know heaven if they don't know hell?
And neither were life and our MBTI code.
Okay elaborating on this one; according to one MBTI theories I'd heard around, MBTI sticks for life except for life-changing traumas / extensive mental depression; but experiences dictates that a change in behaviour can feel like a change in our code, despite the background and rationalization and the reasons why we did what we previously hadn't done.
A stray question; in between your life and your MBTI code, which would you like to keep?
A soothsaying; trust the heart. It will know if something wrong has been done by ourselves, or to ourselves. When, where, what, how; all sort of things.
Of course, it's up to each of us whether we want to act on it or not. Both choices are inherently neutral.
Genuineness and integrity are also not the same.
Growth and experiences, compared to losing ourselves, are also not the same.
Not all growth and experiences we feel in our lives will made us bad; even if it goes against what we feel is our road and directions.
Alternatively, not all growth and experiences we feel in our lives is beneficial and/or building and/or enjoyable, but who can know heaven if they don't know hell?
And neither were life and our MBTI code.
Okay elaborating on this one; according to one MBTI theories I'd heard around, MBTI sticks for life except for life-changing traumas / extensive mental depression; but experiences dictates that a change in behaviour can feel like a change in our code, despite the background and rationalization and the reasons why we did what we previously hadn't done.
A stray question; in between your life and your MBTI code, which would you like to keep?
A soothsaying; trust the heart. It will know if something wrong has been done by ourselves, or to ourselves. When, where, what, how; all sort of things.
Of course, it's up to each of us whether we want to act on it or not. Both choices are inherently neutral.
Ah this is something I've spent a very long time figuring out.
I am well-loved by the people around me. Not because I've eroded my personality (as the INFJ's are vulnerable to, as a result of our constant need to satisfy the feelings of others) but because I can genuinely spend time outside of a non 1v1 situation to truly bond with that person. Each one of my friends I've made in university know me to be this asshole, ignoramus introvert who is extremely rude, yet they all still love me and care that I do well.
You can be genuine without changing yourself. I show them that I truly care about them, even though I am unbiased in my harassment in large group situations (I make demeaning nicknames for everyone, but I make everyone laugh. I've successfully brought together a group of so many highschool personas, I'm quite impressed.)
- Muslim Guido
- Hipster
- Athletes
- Jocks
- Nerds
- Metal heads
- Preps
- Skaters
- We even have an emo
- Old(er) people (He's 25 I think, we're all 20).
They have their tensions but their fear of disappointing me and disrupting my social situation drives them all to get along to keep me happy.
I'm not trying to "show off" or anything. This is real, and I hope it helps you determine how you can be "genuine" without compromising your INFJ-ness.
**Hints at a background leader? I know each and every single one of their goals and interests and they all come to me for advice, outside of the group situation where I am an overbearing asshole.
I am well-loved by the people around me. Not because I've eroded my personality (as the INFJ's are vulnerable to, as a result of our constant need to satisfy the feelings of others) but because I can genuinely spend time outside of a non 1v1 situation to truly bond with that person. Each one of my friends I've made in university know me to be this asshole, ignoramus introvert who is extremely rude, yet they all still love me and care that I do well.
You can be genuine without changing yourself. I show them that I truly care about them, even though I am unbiased in my harassment in large group situations (I make demeaning nicknames for everyone, but I make everyone laugh. I've successfully brought together a group of so many highschool personas, I'm quite impressed.)
- Muslim Guido
- Hipster
- Athletes
- Jocks
- Nerds
- Metal heads
- Preps
- Skaters
- We even have an emo
- Old(er) people (He's 25 I think, we're all 20).
They have their tensions but their fear of disappointing me and disrupting my social situation drives them all to get along to keep me happy.
I'm not trying to "show off" or anything. This is real, and I hope it helps you determine how you can be "genuine" without compromising your INFJ-ness.
**Hints at a background leader? I know each and every single one of their goals and interests and they all come to me for advice, outside of the group situation where I am an overbearing asshole.
I enjoyed what you said, Namiasdf. Sometimes being who I am can be quite overbearing. I have a tremendous capacity to demand from people and interact. Sometimes, I request confidently instead of demand. Short of confidence, I'm usually milktoast, and people step all over me. The reason why a lot of people don't enjoy my interaction is because they don't interact on the same level and "volume" as I do. Sometimes, I'm tired and need to withdraw. Sometimes, I am constantly interacting and want to talk. Not everyone appreciates this.
When I am my anxious self, I often am confident but produce awkward results from people. Either way, I like my calm, assertive self best. I limit my interactions whenever the "chameleon bells" ring. The "bells" alert me to the times when I know that an interaction will cause me to accommodate someone else too much.
There's a curious balance between "assertive" interaction that is demanding and assertive interaction that is calm and receptive but also boundary-drawing. I'm really enjoying the boundary-drawing part of it while also being close/interacting calmly with people I like.
When I am my anxious self, I often am confident but produce awkward results from people. Either way, I like my calm, assertive self best. I limit my interactions whenever the "chameleon bells" ring. The "bells" alert me to the times when I know that an interaction will cause me to accommodate someone else too much.
There's a curious balance between "assertive" interaction that is demanding and assertive interaction that is calm and receptive but also boundary-drawing. I'm really enjoying the boundary-drawing part of it while also being close/interacting calmly with people I like.
For the part where you need your own alone time, I am similar.
My friends know I hate going out and getting me to come out is like an achievement to them.
You can sorta make it that way, as long as you don't become an ignoramus about it.
They know that more than likely I wanna go home and play WoW.
This satisfies the introverts need to recuperate in alone time, but keeps me socially active =)
Cheers.
My friends know I hate going out and getting me to come out is like an achievement to them.
You can sorta make it that way, as long as you don't become an ignoramus about it.
They know that more than likely I wanna go home and play WoW.
This satisfies the introverts need to recuperate in alone time, but keeps me socially active =)
Cheers.
Change can be good. Do what feels right. Get everything you can out of what goes wrong, and what goes well. Improve and then repeat.
Incredibly affirming. I really do need long periods of alone time. I definitely become socially active once I emerge from my hibernation mode. But in my mind, it's not really a "dormant" mode at all - it's actually a very active time of being alone, reading, analyzing things, occasionally hanging out with my ENTP and ESTJ friend, etc. So according to some friends, I'm "isolating" from people, but from my perspective, I'm just doing what I enjoy or need to do.
Incidentally, "recuperating" is really more of an extroverted perspective. Alone time and one-on-one time is really the default mode for me. I have a tendency to think I'm socially incompetent, because I'm not as much of a social butterfly as my INFP "cousins".
I think the same way. At times it does bother me, but other times it's just who I am and I accept it because it feels natural to me as well. ^^
Echoing some of the other comments regarding how your friends see/think of you, I find that sometimes we can be our own harshest critic and friends are just happy with who we are. Sometimes you do have to set limits as to how much you will do for friends and once they understand that, those that remain are your true friends. Also, Morgain's mention about balance is pretty much spot on. ^^