High Expectations for YOURSELF

DeadlyPacifist

DeadlyPacifist

Regular Poster
MBTI
INFJ
Do you guys have high expectations for yourself, as in evaluating whether or not you're worthy of the person of your interest? I'm pretty harsh on myself. I need to feel like my personality and looks are good enough. While I keep check on my personality, I feel like looks are also very important [my own image]. In fact, if I ever became mutated or something, I think I'd just throw myself off a building o.O. I know it sounds very shallow and such...but this is only how I view myself. I'm a lot more lenient on other people. I feel like I have to be the best I can possibly be in my eyes in order for me to feel like I deserve the person I like, which would give me courage to continue talking to them and stuff.
 
It's great to be appreciative of people, but feeling undeserving of those people is awkward. Anytime I've heard someone say that to me, be it friend or otherwise, I've felt awkward because it elicits pity. Maybe it makes me uncomfortable because it means the other person is focusing on what they are lacking instead of enjoying what's between us. That makes me feel pretty gyped.

Be careful about focusing too much on your perceived faults, it tends to create strain with others. You may end up treating someone carelessly because you become consumed with yourself.
 
acd said:
It's great to be appreciative of people, but feeling undeserving of those people is awkward. Anytime I've heard someone say that to me, be it friend or otherwise, I've felt awkward because it elicits pity. Maybe it makes me uncomfortable because it means the other person is focusing on what they are lacking instead of enjoying what's between us. That makes me feel pretty gyped.

Be careful about focusing too much on your perceived faults, it tends to create strain with others. You may end up treating someone carelessly because you become consumed with yourself.
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This!!!!! is worded so perfectly. I swear people here speak directly to my soul sometimes. It's humbling :redface:
 
The best example I can think of for me was when I found I only needed BBC grades to get into University, but I wanted to get As. Why, you ask? I have no idea. I just wanted to do as well as possible.
I guess I also set doable, but difficult goals for myself, such as planning to have three novellas written by the end of the year after next and learning more Japanese, so I'm very ahead when I go on the language course.
It sucks a lot of the time, 'cause I always feel like I'm putting pressure on myself, but I guess it's pretty useful too, 'cause it makes me do things that are useful :)

Strangely, I tend to expect a bit of others, but not half as much...
 
DeadlyPacifist said:
Do you guys have high expectations for yourself, as in evaluating whether or not you're worthy of the person of your interest? I'm pretty harsh on myself. I need to feel like my personality and looks are good enough. While I keep check on my personality, I feel like looks are also very important [my own image]. In fact, if I ever became mutated or something, I think I'd just throw myself off a building o.O. I know it sounds very shallow and such...but this is only how I view myself. I'm a lot more lenient on other people. I feel like I have to be the best I can possibly be in my eyes in order for me to feel like I deserve the person I like, which would give me courage to continue talking to them and stuff.
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Yep! I need to be able to impress myself to feel comfortable within a relationship. I am working on this currently. But I have always felt this way, yet I never listened to it. Now in my early 30s, I get it, more or less. I'm glad younger INFJs have found it earlier than I have.
 
DeadlyPacifist said:
Do you guys have high expectations for yourself, as in evaluating whether or not you're worthy of the person of your interest?
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I have a fairly significant inferiority complex that I am struggling to overcome. I have VERY high expectations for myself. Not only in terms of aesthetic quality, but also in terms of morality and kindness. ACD is right that this sort of behavior is unhealthy overall. Instead of simply being who you are, you struggle to be what is expected, and that doesn't work for you.


DeadlyPacifist said:
I'm pretty harsh on myself. I need to feel like my personality and looks are good enough. While I keep check on my personality, I feel like looks are also very important [my own image].
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Perhaps you have just had a good amount of evidence to show you this is the case, and this is what matters to the majority of people. This is something that happened to me.

DeadlyPacifist said:
In fact, if I ever became mutated or something, I think I'd just throw myself off a building o.O. I know it sounds very shallow and such...but this is only how I view myself.
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What circumstances or evidence causes you to draw this conclusion? What about aesthetic quality makes it more important than intellectual quality, or do you simply assume your intellect/personality cannot possibly compete in a world of aesthetic beauty?

Moreover, aesthetic beauty is usually linked to the idea of romance/love. What makes you believe romance/love is the most important thing to living your life? What about things beyond this subject? This question only pertains if it applies, I am not attempting to put words into your mouth. :)

DeadlyPacifist said:
I'm a lot more lenient on other people. I feel like I have to be the best I can possibly be in my eyes in order for me to feel like I deserve the person I like, which would give me courage to continue talking to them and stuff.
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Agreed.
 
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NeverAmI said:
I have a fairly significant inferiority complex that I am struggling to overcome. I have VERY high expectations for myself. Not only in terms of aesthetic quality, but also in terms of morality and kindness. ACD is right that this sort of behavior is unhealthy overall. Instead of simply being who you are, you struggle to be what is expected, and that doesn't work for you.
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Thank You! I was struggling with my answer to this, but you put it perfectly! I second third and fourth this!
 
You know, I was not even thinking of aesthetics when I responded.

But one thing that has really changed my mind about myself aesthetically is birthing twins, and having a totally different stomach appearance afterwards. My whole body structure has changed, even the placement of my ribs, of course my pelvic bone. Despite all of this, I still appear the same to myself. And in fact, I am more confident as a mother with my appearance.

One thing about me, aesthetics mean little to nothing to me when choosing a partner. If I look in someone's eyes and see kindness, I'm in pursuit immediately.
 
DeadlyPacifist said:
Do you guys have high expectations for yourself, as in evaluating whether or not you're worthy of the person of your interest?
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Nah, I've always considered myself perfectly worthy and deserving of nothing but the best for me in a relationship (i.e. having a similar but complimentary personality to my own, feeling content simply to be with each other regardless of how much talking or activities are going on, absolute trust/openness/acceptance/unconditional love, etc.).
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I...am, but on the other hand there's much to learn, much to do.

*looks at older thread*

I'm differing between self-loathing and/or self-confidence and expectations or goals; I believe that I don't have to feel shame or lacking confidence to improve myself. I only want to do better, regardless of my state; I can be horribly bad at one thing, or annoyingly good or another; it doesn't really matter. I'm what I am.
 
My self expectations are exceedingly high. Once I reach a level that I want to be at, I set the bar higher.
 
IndigoSensor said:
My self expectations are exceedingly high. Once I reach a level that I want to be at, I set the bar higher.
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This. I am never satisfied, I always feel like there is something I must improve on, and therefore I find myself constantly restless. My perfectionism can really get the best of me.
 
Trifoilum said:
I'm differing between self-loathing and/or self-confidence and expectations or goals; I believe that I don't have to feel shame or lacking confidence to improve myself. I only want to do better, regardless of my state; I can be horribly bad at one thing, or annoyingly good or another; it doesn't really matter. I'm what I am.
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Great post.
 
IndigoSensor said:
My self expectations are exceedingly high. Once I reach a level that I want to be at, I set the bar higher.
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Bingo. I came to this thread to say exactly that: if you're meeting your expectations, your expectations aren't high enough.
 
I have huge expectations for myself. The difference between me and most, is that I'll die to achieve them.
 
Definitely. It's ironically what seems to be what seems to kill any chances I've had at the other party developing anything close to what I'm feeling at that. I end up becoming extremely introspective, and focus almost entirely on trying to pinpoint my weak spots and attempting to compensate for them if I have the ability to out of a lack of a sense of self-value. It's a shame too, because those who I've cared the most about have probably had to deal with more self-pity from me than anyone else ever will.

acd said:
It's great to be appreciative of people, but feeling undeserving of those people is awkward. Anytime I've heard someone say that to me, be it friend or otherwise, I've felt awkward because it elicits pity. Maybe it makes me uncomfortable because it means the other person is focusing on what they are lacking instead of enjoying what's between us. That makes me feel pretty gyped.

Be careful about focusing too much on your perceived faults, it tends to create strain with others. You may end up treating someone carelessly because you become consumed with yourself.
Click to expand...

... damn. I honestly never have heard that full reasoning, but... it makes a lot of sense. This is possibly one of the biggest bits of thought I could take out of anything, and it puts things into a totally different perspective.

Seriously, thank you a ton. That's actually the exact thing I needed to hear, I think.
 
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Yeah, I definitely have high expectations of myself.
And I became mutated or lost a limb or something I'd throw myself off a building too.
I don't think it's shallow, because looks are your first impression, and people like to look at attractive ppl (not just date them) and that's a proven fact. People think that attractive people are smarter, kinder, more well-adjusted....etc.
So yeah.
And I never think the people I like will like me. And sometimes they do! :D

And I also have high expectations of myself in other areas: academically, etc.
I'm probably too hard on myself...but then I KNOW I can do betterrrr!!!!
 
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