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help needed

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Grey Wolf, Apr 27, 2009.

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  1. Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    hi guys. Wouldnt post this here unless I really had to and I do. I'm probably going insane soon so yeah. Its a bout a girl as such topics usually are ( I think )

    I'll start from the beginning. Or rather continue from my other thread about istjs haha. Long story short, when I first met this friend, I went wow. I didnt know why and still dont. Its not a physically attracted thing. Ok it was a little but other than that I had that kinda feeling of " dam I must know you " type of feel. Not romantically, but friendly. I dont usually get this type of feel for anyone. I didnt even get this feel for most of my good friends. Only a few. Anyway, I decided to ignore it but somehow got placed in the same group as her for a project ( I had nothing to do with it, swear. )

    So I get to know her better and eventually like her. So for the 1st semester in school I went after her. Confusing as hell chase. Sometimes, we could talk on msn for hours, sometimes we had absolutely nothing to talk about. At that point in time, she occasionally asked me to meet her after school. ( dam..I hate remembering all this..) ( I also know that she could have asked me as a friend but at that time who knows)

    Anyway, eventually, I decided to pop the question. While we were jogging. Yeah, I know, not the brightest idea but it seemed a good idea at that time. My 1st time doing something like that and all. especially since I doubted that I would have the courage to do it anyway. The running was a good idea to me as I could jog away if she said no or jog with her if she said yes ( dam this remembering is starting to suck ) . She said that she would rather stay as friends. So I said ok that works too (or something like that. I cant remember. Its been over a year ) ( oh yeah, she knew I liked her. My friend accidently said it out loud :/ )

    After that, we hardly met and talked for that matter. That holiday, I disappeared off the map completely to recover. wasnt particularly enjoyable but I did. Much quicker than I expected too.

    The next semester, we had contact again. a friends, her and me decided to meet for lunch as friends every week on one day to catch up and all. Eventually, we kinda grew closer again. This time stranger. We could talk like crazy and seem like best friends for a few days usually around 4-5 days then wouldnt talk to each other for the next 2 weeks or so. Then something would trigger and we would talk again for the next 4-5 days like crazy again and the cycle repeated again and again and again. But this time, different from last sem, she did not ask me to meet her after school or anything like that and I didnt ask her either. We just talked on msn.

    But this time, I didnt intend to do anything. The week of valentines, I was contemplating asking her out but was discussing with my friends first. One group was saying go for it, the other saying stay the feth away from her. Thing is, that week, we were having major presentations so I decided to finish them before I decided. On one of the mornings of my presentations, while I was preparing for the presentation, she suddenly smsed me saying that I was a nice guy and all but she just wanted to be friends and that she was sorry if she gave me false impressions ( this is starting to make me regret again ) . Obviously, it was a great big shock but I couldnt let it affect me as I had that big presentation in about an hour. Thankfully, the presentation went well. very well. my part got commended by my lecturer. Then I started thinking and reading the sms through.

    Same thing. I disappeared during the holis. which was just until a few weeks back. Now I'm back in school and wondering what the feth is happening. Since we used to run last sem, I thought I should ask them if they were interested in running together again. This includes her. I'm asking as a friend.( during the holis, I was reading urbanmonk as I stumbled on here and this helped me get over her greatly).

    Nothing happened at that time. The next day, during my 1st lecture, she was sitting outside my lecture theater, 'cos her close friend had a class nearby so she sent her friend there and went there to sit to do some stuff. Nothing wrong. I met her later that day at the swimming pool when I went to train with some guy friends. She had already told me that she was swimming there at that time. Nothing wrong. The next day, she helped her friend ask me where her class was as I could be from the school that her friend had to go to ( My school is new in the campus so its a little confusing for everybody right now) nothing wrong. The next day, she asked me if I was in school and to help her tie her tie. Yeah. I helped her but my head was beginning to think wth is going on here. I cant be the only one who knows how to tie a tie right? Then last night, we were talking on msn about her joining a sport. She seemed very very hesitant to join so I was asking her why she was hesitating and all. She answered saying she didnt like to make new friends and all and that no one wanted to go with her. Then she asked if I wanted to go with her. Alarm bells rang like crazy as my emotions went from no wind, to a class F5 tornado.

    Thankfully for my friend that I immediately contacted, my friend told me exactly what to reply. If not for her, I think I would have died. So, I'm not going with her afterall.( I got work on that day now anyway). I have no idea if she was being serious or just kidding or asking as a friend or otherwise for that matter. confused as hell now.

    thanks for reading this dam long rant. I got no idea what to do now of what shes doing. Anything would be helpful. thanks again. and sorry if i just wasted your time :/
     
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  2. Lucifer

    Lucifer Registered User #666

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    I think you were reading to much into it.

    Sometimes it is hard to accept that the person you like doesn't like you back. You try and convince yourself that they are lying for some reason and do like you.

    I've done this I think everyone has at some point.
     
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  3. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    I'm sorry that this isn't what you want to hear... but, you're in the friend zone. In my experience, there isn't any coming out of the friend zone. You should find someone else who IS interested in you.

    Sorry.
     
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  4. bamf

    bamf Is Watching You
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    I'd agree with coffeeshopdiva, you are definitely in the friend zone. I disagree with the statement about never leaving the friend zone seeing as I have before, but it has ALWAYS ended in disaster. Keep your head up and keep searching for someone who is mutually interested.
     
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  5. anica

    anica dark dreamer
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    CSDiva is probably right and I don't want to give you false hope but son Tom fell in love with the girl he lived with during his six months of supervised "independent living" when he was in residential treatment. Both he and the girl have schizoaffective disorder, so maybe this doesn't count, I don't know. Anyway, he always felt that he was in the friend zone with her and that he remained there the next several years, though they spoke daily by phone (she moved back to CA after they were both discharged from treatment). Five years later he is clearly out of the friend zone but now he's the one too shy to make his feelings known.

    The other case I'd present as an exception is bf and I. Over 13 years we went from acquaintances to friends to lovers. He realized he was in love much sooner than I did, but said nothing because he thought I was involved with someone else.

    In both these cases it was a looong time coming, so perhaps CSDiva's advice is right. You might make it out of the friend zone, but it can take years and it might never happen. I guess it depends on how you feel about this girl and whether you're willing to go through the kind of torture you're going through now for what could be years. Nah. But I'll tell you one thing: in my case it was well worth the wait.

    On the other hand, I'd get on with my life. BF and I were involved with different people at different times, but always kept that connection. Then when things finally popped...WOW.
     
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  6. dneecey

    dneecey I am who I am.

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    I agree with Anica here. I know friend zone isn't what you want to hear. But I will say the best thing you can do if you really care for this girl, is to care for her. Be her friend, an honest friend, and she'll get it. Also, don't be her doormat. Don't come to her every beck and call, because girls especially young girls, sometimes even unknowingly, can be manipulative and users. I'm not saying that this girl is like that, or means to be, but sometimes like I said, they can do these things with out knowing and you're the one who gets hurt. If she really values your friendship she would never honestly want to do that to you, especially not realizing it until it was too late and you had given up on her completely. It's not fair to you that you have to draw yourself back from this, and harbor these emotions, but the best thing for you is to live your life. Do it for you, not for her. Live, sweetheart.. and realize that a smart girl will see you for what you're worth, and so will a good friend.
     
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  7. CoffeeShopDiva

    CoffeeShopDiva Community Member

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    I definitely second this!
     
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  8. OP
    Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    good to finally have some answers. I was starting to think I was reading too much too. thing is, I like her but its been getting a little strange so I didnt intend to do anything. But not knowing where I was was getting a little disorientating. A little like flying a plane without being able to see the horizon to know if you were flying right side up or upside down. you guys have shown me the horizon. Thanks guys!
     
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  9. efromm

    efromm Hiding In My Shell...
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    I agree friend zone been there before. If you want to test the waters hang with another girl and see if she gets jealous about you spending time with a different girl that you are friends with. It seems like she may want to keep you in the reserve pile just in case.
     
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  10. Shai Gar

    Shai Gar Guest

    Friend Zone, therefore not a good friend. A friend is always intelligent enough to know what you want, and to tell you straight up whether something is possible or not.

    INFJs take their lovers from their friend zone. They need that security and intimacy before beginning a romantic relationship. Maybe you took yourself into her friend zone unconsciously to do that. Fact is, if she's not interested, and not going to be interested, look elsewhere.

    I also agree with efromm, if she's reserve piling you, then you really do need to look elsewhere because she considers you second or third tier. That's not a good thing, that's outright disrespect. Keep her as a friend since you want her as a friend, but since she doesn't wan't you, or doesn't respect you, close off that avenue and look elsewhere.

    Might I recommend either Lucifer or CoffeeShopDiva to help spread your wild oats in the meantime while you get over her?
     
  11. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    Grey Wolf, I take it that your other online friend told you to shoot down your possibly-more-than-friend. I'm curious to know why she told you to say no, though. Is she unstable? Manipulative? Deceitful? Something else?

    I confess, this really wasn't constructive or helpful - just curious.
     
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  12. OP
    Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    yep it was her haha. nice deduction on your part :D\
    its alright, INFJs are curious people :D myself included :D
    thing is, she and another of our friends ( female also ) think that secretly she has feelings for me but they are just not enough for her to do anything. So my friend and another friend think that she could just be using me. I'm not sure as well, ISTJ and she has been surprising me constantly by doing thing I honestly didnt expect her to do.

    edit: all that and the fact that she keeps one minute talking to me and the next ignores me. So its really just getting annoying after awhile.
     
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    #12 Grey Wolf, Apr 28, 2009
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2009
  13. Milon

    Milon Director of Glomps
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    I wonder if she knows what she really wants...

    If not, do you want to be dating such a person?


    <WarpContext> Yes, we are rather strange, aren't we? </WarpContext>
     
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  14. OP
    Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    quite honestly, I have no idea why myself. I let go of her 2 times already but for some readon i keep coming back :/

    yeah we're strange :D
     
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  15. OP
    Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    ok i just found out I got a great story to share next time HAHA
    guess what. Apparently shes les LOL
     
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  16. soulseeker

    soulseeker Permanent Fixture

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    whoa!!!!!!!! wow!!!!!! share it to us...... if you mind...... :m200:
     
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  17. OP
    Grey Wolf

    Grey Wolf Airborne all the way!

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    haha
    the story is above haha. most of it anyway, which is what I can remember.
    thing is, I knew she was bi ; she said it before. But she said she was starting to go to more of the straight side. But she just now suddenly told me she was starting to turn les. I have never felt such a strange concoction of emotions before. Very interesting. Should keep me occupied for the next few days thinking what I felt meant. From what I am feeling now, its a weird mixture of fear, pain, sadness, anger, the just wanna lie down and die feeling , disappointmen, hopelessness. but then again, theres also the feelings of relief, happiness, peace ( how the hell I am feeling peace when I'm feeling so many things at once I have to think on it. ) , calm and straightheadness. Interesting list even for myself. And this start of a headache from lack of sleep. ( I worked the night shift last night ) so i think I better go get some sleep. I'll post what I realised from my feelings tomorrow if any of you are interested haha
     
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