Grudges - a justifiable battle or get over it? | INFJ Forum

Grudges - a justifiable battle or get over it?


Apr 21, 2013
INFJs are known to be easily hurt and draw back into ourselves when "wronged". Many of us may hold grudges. Some of us internalize so much and can later blow up like the Incredible Hulk, becoming huge ugly ogreish projections of our emotions, especially when we're pushed past our breaking point.

Questions: Do you cut people out and/or hold grudges against those who wrong you? Do you feel justified in doing so? If you just simply "take it", how long can you swallow someone else's inconsiderate nature? If the wrong-doer is someone you cannot cut out - such as a family member, boss, or co-worker - how do continue discourse with them?
As long as I'm getting paid, bitches can stick it. <---Inspired by [MENTION=6623]INFJok[/MENTION]
Not an INFJ but...

I hold grudges all the time. I nurse them and hold them tightly to my bosom, craddled inside my heart like something precious. At least for a little while. I am very mercurial in how I deal with most things. I relish feeling wronged for about as long as it takes for my rational self to exert itself and I begin to question my own motives and analyze the situation, which normally happens relatively quick. Now it isn't that I don't feel that smoldering resentment, anger and hurt anymore but it "shifts". I begin to see my part in the situation, I begin to see/empathize with the other person and while, not justifying their behavior, understand it. After awhile, the feelings fade and everything is okay. I'm pretty self contained in that I don't require some type of "confrontation" or "clearing the air" with others most of the time. I am optimistic at heart. I want to believe that the people I care about will forgive me when I'm stupid, so I try and return the favor as often as I can. Besides, it becomes too exhausting to hold onto that crap for any length of time. Of course, this only applies to people I like.

If I don't like someone, I don't like them. I tend to just ignore such people and have as little contact as I can with them. It is rare for me to intensely dislike anybody, so it isn't like my dislike is ever really overpowering or strong. Usually it is because I see them as having an ugly spirit or being inately dishonorable---a judgement call on my part--but again, life is too short to surround yourself with people you don't care for.
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Not an INFJ, but I don't hold grudges. If someone mistreats my generosity I'll simply stop extending it, which is more self preservation that a grudge. I feel like holding a real grudge would just be a waste of my time and effort. I read somewhere that holding anger against someone else is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill the person you're mad at.
In the past, yes, but now, no. In the past, I literally didn't have a choice regarding some of the people I had to deal with, or I felt like I didn't have a choice. It took time to distinguish between the two :becky:. Now, choice is always a factor and I rarely enter into relationships of any kind that have the possibility of becoming an either/or situation.
I'm too old to hold grudges for too long. I can be upset with someone, but if we can forgive and forget with one another, it's a done deal. I usually don't hold grudges; if the person is still acting like a nut I just quit associating with 'em.
They aren't worth it. Like [MENTION=6964]Colt[/MENTION] said, it's like drinking poison. Even worse, it's the poison that will destroy you more than it will destroy the other person. When I am upset, angry, disappointed, etc with someone... I let them know it. It's not always easy for me to let them know, but it is necessary for my own self-preservation and even my heart. If the person has no remorse and does not care that they hurt me... then I let go of the 'relationship' since there is no point having anything dysfunctional in my life. I won't forget what people have done to me but that does not mean that I feel hate toward them. I do believe in civility though, so I'll still be civil toward someone unless they royally fuck me over. I got boundaries, don't provoke the beast, yanno?

I do feel some resentment toward someone initially once I am wronged but once I talk to them about it and it (hopefully) gets squared away, I will let it go. I don't bottle hate. I'd rather not poison my own well.
I know some people from when I was younger who still make me tense up upon meeting just because the memories associated with them are so overwhelmingly negative, but I'd hesitate to say I hold grudges. I can be pretty shitty about a situation or a person for a couple hours, maybe even a few days afterwards, but I always get over it.

I'd like to talk to whoever started the rounds with the idea that it's normal for INFJs to hold grudges. Yeah, I have really high standards of conduct and competence, but I don't immediately and permanently write people off if they don't live up to my expectations.
Hell, me and my ESTP brother nearly come to blows at least several times a week over various things, but I don't hold it against him, even when I believe that his actions are grossly in the wrong. It's just his way of dealing with things, and there's no excuse for it, but I can't change it, so all I can do is bear with it. If I didn't keep the peace in that way, we'd have burned the house down by now.

I will say that I have a habit of being passive aggressive (when look at an argument from another's perspective), though whether that's a general introvert trait or specifically INFJ I don't know.
More like a dark liquor. A grudge is a sweet release and a slow death.
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I don't hold grudges, but I do keep my distance.
I find that grudges tend to fade unless I actively tend them. I find that the effort that goes into maintaining that level of emotion is exhausting and gives more power to that particular situation than it deserves. I do like to acknowledge things that rub me the wrong way and go about my business. People are human beings, these things happen. If a person makes a mistake and it negatively impacts me I tend towards forgiveness. If they willfully are trying to bring harm to me in some way that's an entirely different story. But grudges are something I have grown out of and don't have time for these days.

As I've gotten older it's easier for me to see people for what they are and if it doesn't bring anything good to my life I don't waste my time with that person. Overall most things that people do are about them and not about me, so why hold onto it? Why make their situation my own personal burden and perpetuate my own pain and anger? Makes no sense.
If I can realistically do something about the offense in a reasonable period of time, then holding a grudge just seems appealing somehow.

If a grudge will be futile, I want it gone quickly.

(Just saying in terms of appeal, not in terms of approval of grudges).
I feel dark and ugly if I hold onto hateful feelings. I can only stew for so long until I make myself feel sick over those feelings, and have to let them go. I know I am capable of being a horrible, spiteful , and calculating person, and to nurse a grudge nurses that dark side. It is not who I want to become.

Plus I am also a sucker. I could harbour a grudge, but the second the begrudged party smiles at me or offers me a stick of gum or unwittingly reveals some vulnerability, I crack.

That said, there is a difference between nursing hateful feelings and maintaining distance and moving on...I have cut people off who have been unapologetically and intentionally hurtful. I don't have ill will towards them, I just don't think it is beneficial to anyone's well being to maintain a relationship in that regard.
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