Good to me but not good for me, how do I heal/move forward?

Nets

Nets

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
So I (F32) was dating this really sweet and kind guy (M31) for 4 months. Although it’s only been a short time, we did spend a lot of time together and we had a healthy “relationship.” He was consistent, sweet, and really good to me. I had to end it due to lifestyle incompatibility (he drank to the point of passing out on occasions for weddings/bdays, although he didn’t drink everyday, and spent a lot of money on friends even if he still had a considerable debt). He wants to celebrate uninhibited for the next 3 years before he and his friends settle down(hence the large amount of drinking and spending). I value moderation and some sense of safety; I have anxious tendencies and realize I couldn’t keep up with him, I ended it 3 weeks after finding out the drinking and money red flags. We ended it really well and both agreed that if I couldn’t accept his occasional getting passed out drunk, it wouldn’t work out for the long term. The last time I passed out from drinking was 10 years ago. I understand he isn’t an alcoholic and does only this ridiculous behaviors because he is super social and loves to be the life of the party (he wanted me to try a rave for New Years and try ecstasy). I ended it two weeks ago, this is the first time where really I had to end something that wasn’t “bad.” How can I move forward? In hindsight, as someone who was abused when I was a kid and is healing from trauma, I feel like I’m finally choosing kind and somewhat emotionally available men. I just need to fine tune better so their lifestyle and core values align with mine.
 
What are you having trouble moving on from?

I know this sounds like an odd question, but it really is important. Is it the person? Or is it the prospect of being on track toward a relationship vs. not having one?
 
Nets said:
I understand he isn’t an alcoholic and does only this ridiculous behaviors because he is super social and loves to be the life of the party (he wanted me to try a rave for New Years and try ecstasy).
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This doesn't seem at all healthy to me. And just because he doesn't drink throughout, it doesn't make him not an alcoholic. Just like there are different kinds of smokers, the same rules apply to alcoholism.

It seems to me like the first thing you ask for is validation for the choice you made. You made a rational decision to end the relationship, but have a different feeling about it because you think it was good. It is one of the things that may indicate the presence of childhood trauma. If he wanted you to do drugs and fill up until you get alcohol poisoning, he didn't care for your health. Attracting this kind of person isn't said to be a stigma of one's own psychological health (in terms of having recovered from childhood trauma) - believe me, I have made similar mistakes, so no judgement here.
 
sassafras said:
What are you having trouble moving on from?

I know this sounds like an odd question, but it really is important. Is it the person? Or is it the prospect of being on track toward a relationship vs. not having one?
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I think I’m just disappointed because it’s exhausting putting myself out there. A part of me is thinking maybe I’m getting too picky... OLD has gotten exhausting
 
This sounds like a good life choice on your part . You learned things outside your comfort zone and moved on. This was not the right relationship so you took steps to protect yourself..good call
 
Nets said:
So I (F32) was dating this really sweet and kind guy (M31) for 4 months. Although it’s only been a short time, we did spend a lot of time together and we had a healthy “relationship.” He was consistent, sweet, and really good to me. I had to end it due to lifestyle incompatibility (he drank to the point of passing out on occasions for weddings/bdays, although he didn’t drink everyday, and spent a lot of money on friends even if he still had a considerable debt). He wants to celebrate uninhibited for the next 3 years before he and his friends settle down(hence the large amount of drinking and spending). I value moderation and some sense of safety; I have anxious tendencies and realize I couldn’t keep up with him, I ended it 3 weeks after finding out the drinking and money red flags. We ended it really well and both agreed that if I couldn’t accept his occasional getting passed out drunk, it wouldn’t work out for the long term. The last time I passed out from drinking was 10 years ago. I understand he isn’t an alcoholic and does only this ridiculous behaviors because he is super social and loves to be the life of the party (he wanted me to try a rave for New Years and try ecstasy). I ended it two weeks ago, this is the first time where really I had to end something that wasn’t “bad.” How can I move forward? In hindsight, as someone who was abused when I was a kid and is healing from trauma, I feel like I’m finally choosing kind and somewhat emotionally available men. I just need to fine tune better so their lifestyle and core values align with mine.
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I want to clarify that a part of me understands that it’s a compatibility issue although when I’m sad, a part of me thinks I’m being too picky.... I’m trying to accept that even if someone is good to me, things won’t work out. I think this stems from lots of disappointments after 2 years of online dating. I was engaged before and had to end it so it took me a while to heal. Now that I’m back online, I’m trying to build the resilience muscle and accept that most won’t work until the right one.
 
Nets said:
How can I move forward? In hindsight, as someone who was abused when I was a kid and is healing from trauma, I feel like I’m finally choosing kind and somewhat emotionally available men. I just need to fine tune better so their lifestyle and core values align with mine.
Click to expand...
Are you afraid of choosing the wrong kind again in the future? Or maybe that there aren't many of the right kind left?

It's only been two weeks! Of course you can't move on yet. It's not like there wasn't any loving feelings between you two, you broke up for a rational reason. Give your feelings some time to catch up. Pamper yourself. You can put yourself back out there in a month or two.
 
Nets said:
I want to clarify that a part of me understands that it’s a compatibility issue although when I’m sad, a part of me thinks I’m being too picky.... I’m trying to accept that even if someone is good to me, things won’t work out. I think this stems from lots of disappointments after 2 years of online dating. I was engaged before and had to end it so it took me a while to heal. Now that I’m back online, I’m trying to build the resilience muscle and accept that most won’t work until the right one.
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The right one is the right one.. everything else is wrong..a good thing to learn before more wrongs
 
Lady Jolanda said:
Are you afraid of choosing the wrong kind again in the future? Or maybe that there aren't many of the right kind left?

It's only been two weeks! Of course you can't move on yet. It's not like there wasn't any loving feelings between you two, you broke up for a rational reason. Give your feelings some time to catch up. Pamper yourself. You can put yourself back out there in a month or two.
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Both! I know that’s a scarcity mindset and I need to trust myself more....
 
Nets said:
I want to clarify that a part of me understands that it’s a compatibility issue although when I’m sad, a part of me thinks I’m being too picky.... I’m trying to accept that even if someone is good to me, things won’t work out. I think this stems from lots of disappointments after 2 years of online dating. I was engaged before and had to end it so it took me a while to heal. Now that I’m back online, I’m trying to build the resilience muscle and accept that most won’t work until the right one.
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How about you try to be good to yourself first? That way you show others how you want to be treated and they will either respect that (with people who are a bad match not approaching you) or you can demonstrate some self-respect and send them to hell (that last one being exaggerated of course).

Small steps are more than welcome. It's still fresh, so like LJ advised too, give yourself some love and care. Love is not a race that must be won.
 
Ginny said:
How about you try to be good to yourself first? That way you show others how you want to be treated and they will either respect that (with people who are a bad match not approaching you) or you can demonstrate some self-respect and send them to hell (that last one being exaggerated of course).

Small steps are more than welcome. It's still fresh, so like LJ advised too, give yourself some love and care. Love is not a race that must be won.
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Thank you! That one, I’m working on loving and taking care of myself. It’s been quite a journey, thank you for the reminder...
 
Ginny said:
This doesn't seem at all healthy to me. And just because he doesn't drink throughout, it doesn't make him not an alcoholic. Just like there are different kinds of smokers, the same rules apply to alcoholism.

It seems to me like the first thing you ask for is validation for the choice you made. You made a rational decision to end the relationship, but have a different feeling about it because you think it was good. It is one of the things that may indicate the presence of childhood trauma. If he wanted you to do drugs and fill up until you get alcohol poisoning, he didn't care for your health. Attracting this kind of person isn't said to be a stigma of one's own psychological health (in terms of having recovered from childhood trauma) - believe me, I have made similar mistakes, so no judgement here.
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I felt that something was off with the drugs and drinking but yes, thanks for brining this up. I’m learning and it’s true, he would have compromised my health and safety (which I saw) but took a while to get because he treated me kindly in other ways...
 
Pin said:
Nothing wrong here.

If you're looking for a husband, join a Catholic Church, dress modestly, talk minimally, and serve.
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You can do the same if you're looking for a fling but you'll also need a time machine and sex-change
 
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