Good to me but not good for me, how do I heal/move forward?

[Asa]

Hi @Nets and everyone. Cute dog in you avatar.

Getting through the holidays without a SO is tough, even for people who are not into the holidays. It is a time of togetherness. So, that may fuel your second guessing.
I think you made the right decision breaking it off and should not backtrack. What @Aneirin said about 'the one' being the right one and everyone else being wrong (whether they are good people or not) is so true.
I've lived a lifetime of watching people turn from "occasional hard partier" to people with serious substance abuse problems. It sneaks up. People who drink (or do recreational drugs) to the point that they are blacking out with any regularity rarely have the self-control or perspective to realize they are hooked and becoming addicts, and worse... they push each other to party harder and do not react to "voices of reason" well. He and his buddies seem to be on a mission to do a lot of drinking and drugs now ("for a few years") and that is going to catch up to some of them. While a lot of people make it out the other side and do well in life, why give yourself that hurdle to jump with a partner?

Most importantly, the mentality that he and his buddies have about partying hard for a few years before "settling down" is a big red flag. People who give up their "fun lives" to "settle down" are often unhappy, bitter, prone to depression, and prone to being unhappy in their marriages (because they view the marriage as the reason they don't have fun.) As we mature we naturally want to move away from some activities, but that is different than forcing it. Look for someone who has a grip on moderation and has a good balance of fun and responsible habits. Since you seem to be attracted to more exciting people and worried you'll be bored with the good guys, finding this balance should help with that. Look for people who have both life goals and interesting hobbies.

 

[Nets]

This sounds to me like a simple lifestyle incompatibility, and that feeling you're having of 'nice guy, but oh well' is pretty normal and healthy.

Feeling the holiday blues so this helps! Thanks!

 

[Nets]

Hi @Nets and everyone. Cute dog in you avatar.

Getting through the holidays without a SO is tough, even for people who are not into the holidays. It is a time of togetherness. So, that may fuel your second guessing.
I think you made the right decision breaking it off and should not backtrack. What @Aneirin said about 'the one' being the right one and everyone else being wrong (whether they are good people or not) is so true.
I've lived a lifetime of watching people turn from "occasional hard partier" to people with serious substance abuse problems. It sneaks up. People who drink (or do recreational drugs) to the point that they are blacking out with any regularity rarely have the self-control or perspective to realize they are hooked and becoming addicts, and worse... they push each other to party harder and do not react to "voices of reason" well. He and his buddies seem to be on a mission to do a lot of drinking and drugs now ("for a few years") and that is going to catch up to some of them. While a lot of people make it out the other side and do well in life, why give yourself that hurdle to jump with a partner?

Most importantly, the mentality that he and his buddies have about partying hard for a few years before "settling down" is a big red flag. People who give up their "fun lives" to "settle down" are often unhappy, bitter, prone to depression, and prone to being unhappy in their marriages (because they view the marriage as the reason they don't have fun.) As we mature we naturally want to move away from some activities, but that is different than forcing it. Look for someone who has a grip on moderation and has a good balance of fun and responsible habits. Since you seem to be attracted to more exciting people and worried you'll be bored with the good guys, finding this balance should help with that. Look for people who have both life goals and interesting hobbies.

I agree. Thank you for this. I looked at him in terms of the public vs private persona (how he is with me). I saw him as a complex being who still wants to please his social network, be validated as the life of the party, and strongly is strongly committed to celebrating uninhibitedly for the next 3 years. Although I didn’t get to spend time with his family, based on his stories, it seems like culturally they do drink a lot, which makes me uncomfortable. I had to honor my feelings despite the relationship being good between just the 2 of us. As the relationship moves forward, then, I will be integrated with his family and social network, something that I actually dreaded.

Thank you for the practical advise. I do want someone to grow with who I can share some exciting experiences with. Someone who has has that wonder and appreciation for the world, that inner joy and excitement about life (not an adrenaline junkie, I dated someone who has hobbies and got excited about sunsets and the outdoors so that’s what I mean by “excitement.”)

“A good balance of fun and responsibilities” and “life goals and interesting hobbies.” Thank you for articulating this! This is a good reminder and these are some of the qualities/values I’m looking for in a partner.

You’re post uplifted my mood. It wasn’t wallowing on my mistake and gave me a simple reminder of the direction I was following but kind of lost. Now I have a better sense again! I somewhat felt that lost myself in the limerence/infatuation in that relationship but I feel like I found my footing again and I believe that I’ll have more strength moving forward dating. Thank you!!!

 

[Asa]

@Nets – It is good to hear that you are feeling better about this break up. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you want. You'll find the right person to share your life with. I'm hoping the best for you and hope you have a good holiday season.