Good to me but not good for me, how do I heal/move forward? | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Good to me but not good for me, how do I heal/move forward?

Nets said:
I felt that something was off with the drugs and drinking but yes, thanks for brining this up. I’m learning and it’s true, he would have compromised my health and safety (which I saw) but took a while to get because he treated me kindly in other ways...
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But which are the ways that matter?
 
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Ginny said:
But which are the ways that matter?
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The communication, consistency, acts of service, no judgment. But I’ll find that with the right partner. The core values of safety/stability/responsibly were missing so eventually the “other ways” would have not mattered. People can be emotionally available and I have to not subscribe in this scarcity mindset. I’m working on retraining my brain so I’m wired to feel attracted to people that are good to me/aligns with my values even if they might “feel boring” in the beginning. And I’m owning up to it now...
 
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Nets said:
The communication, consistency, acts of service, no judgment. But I’ll find that with the right partner. The core values of safety/stability/responsibly were missing so eventually the “other ways” would have not mattered. People can be emotionally available and I have to not subscribe in this scarcity mindset. I’m working on retraining my brain so I’m wired to feel attracted to people that are good to me/aligns with my values even if they might “feel boring” in the beginning. And I’m owning up to it now...
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Are you saying that you've felt attracted to people that are bad to you in the past?

And do you admit to your partners that they do in fact 'feel boring' to you?
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
Are you saying that you've felt attracted to people that are bad to you in the past?

And do you admit to your partners that they do in fact 'feel boring' to you?
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Yes I will admit that I’ve attracted people who aren’t good to me in the past. It’s a pattern I see now. I’ve usually tapped out of first/2nd dates where the person felt really boring to me. I see this now and I can’t keep saying I will find the next one quickly since there’s more men in the SF Bay Area. I tried to give this once a chance because he was really kind to me in the first 2 months, I just didn’t end it quickly enough when red flags started showing. I wanted to give the person a chance and talk things out first. But my gut was screaming and I started getting back pains. So I know I have to eventually listen to my body. I gave it time so I can work out whether it’s old trauma resurfacing or not...
 
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Nets said:
Yes I will admit that I’ve attracted people who aren’t good to me in the past. It’s a pattern I see now. I’ve usually tapped out of first/2nd dates where the person felt really boring to me. I see this now and I can’t keep saying I will find the next one quickly since there’s more men in the SF Bay Area. I tried to give this once a chance because he was really kind to me in the first 2 months, I just didn’t end it quickly enough when red flags started showing. I wanted to give the person a chance and talk things out first. But my gut was screaming and I started getting back pains. So I know I have to eventually listen to my body. I gave it time so I can work out whether it’s old trauma resurfacing or not...
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To what extent do you think you ended this relationship because he was 'boring' to you, as compared to the surface-level 'drinking problem' you identified?
 
Deleted member 16771 said:
To what extent do you think you ended this relationship because he was 'boring' to you, as compared to the surface-level 'drinking problem' you identified?
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Oh he wasn’t boring to me at all, he was super extroverted and loved doing activities with me (cooking, rock climbing, hiking); I really enjoyed spending time with him. I miscommunicated. I feel like, now as I reflect back, I didn’t give men who seemed boring a chance....
 
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Nets said:
Not really. They seem to feel defeated if I didn’t show them that I’m interested...or maybe that was just me making assumptions.
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Well... Yeah.

If they kept pushing it after you expressed disinterest, that's sexual harassment. Are you worth getting expelled for? Losing a job? Going to prison?

Hell no.
 
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Ginny said:
This doesn't seem at all healthy to me. And just because he doesn't drink throughout, it doesn't make him not an alcoholic. Just like there are different kinds of smokers, the same rules apply to alcoholism.

It seems to me like the first thing you ask for is validation for the choice you made. You made a rational decision to end the relationship, but have a different feeling about it because you think it was good. It is one of the things that may indicate the presence of childhood trauma. If he wanted you to do drugs and fill up until you get alcohol poisoning, he didn't care for your health. Attracting this kind of person isn't said to be a stigma of one's own psychological health (in terms of having recovered from childhood trauma) - believe me, I have made similar mistakes, so no judgement here.
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could you explain what this means: “Attracting this kind of person isn't said to be a stigma of one's own psychological health (in terms of having recovered from childhood trauma).” I’m trying to understand my hesitation to break up with him early enough when I saw the red flags, is it because of the childhood trauma?
 
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sounds like you need to work on your self worth. I get the fear of being alone, but that gets trumped by enduring behaviors that are not acceptable to you. It is all too easy to fall into living someone else's life and not your own. Anyone worth being with will respect you for you, and if they dont, they are a waste of your time and emotional space.
 
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Y
Aneirin said:
sounds like you need to work on your self worth. I get the fear of being alone, but that gets trumped by enduring behaviors that are not acceptable to you. It is all too easy to fall into living someone else's life and not your own. Anyone worth being with will respect you for you, and if they dont, they are a waste of your time and emotional space.
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Yes, I’m slowly trying to understand and work on this. I can’t keep seeing myself as a victim of abuse from my childhood. I also can’t lose myself in relationship even if I get lonely. I’m healing this slowly but surely...
 
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Although I do have to recognize this is growth for me. I’m not excusing the pattern of me picking men who aren’t great but I can see why I picked him for the time being (he basically took care of me because I didn’t get that care in childhood and I was tired of meeting arrogant venture capitalists and tech douches in the Bay Area.) I see this now, that I latched onto a relationship because of how much he did for me/listened to me/ didn’t judge me. I’m glad I ended it after 3.5 months instead of a year.
 
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Nets said:
could you explain what this means: “Attracting this kind of person isn't said to be a stigma of one's own psychological health (in terms of having recovered from childhood trauma).” I’m trying to understand my hesitation to break up with him early enough when I saw the red flags, is it because of the childhood trauma?
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It's possible that it contributed to it.
Well, to be honest, it's a bit of layman psychology, so you can take that with a grain of salt.

Depending on the way your childhood trauma manifested, you develop defense mechanisms. It takes time, reflection and many wrong decisions to find those out on one's own, and even more to overcome them. For example, children who were left alone (be it physically or mentally) for long periods of time develop abandonment issues, trust issues and the like. If they haven't overcome those, they easily attract abusers that will treat them the same way (though in our complex world, I'd guess that it's not quite that easy).*

Another possibility: it takes about 4 months for the initial phase of infatuation to wear off. It doesn't feel like a drug anymore and you start seeing the bad things that you previously overlooked because you were too doped up on hormones.
I think you were well in that time to start noticing, but you're still somewhat attached to him due to infatuation. Those hormones make you believe that you love him, that it's wrong to break up. But in this phase, it's neither rational nor necessarily real.

Mind you, it's just possibilities, and there could be many more varieties.

*Sometimes you get lucky and you'll find someone healthy enough to give you enough secure attachment to help you heal those childhood wounds. But you also need to make the first steps toward health on your own or you will likely keep depending on them.
 
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Ginny said:
*Sometimes you get lucky and you'll find someone healthy enough to give you enough secure attachment to help you heal those childhood wounds. But you also need to make the first steps toward health on your own or you will likely keep depending on them.
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that pretty much sums it up. .
it only took me 40 years to learn that lesson. . take heed and learn it now, or life is gonna suck
 
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