Friend in an Abusive Relationship

[Agapooka]

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship, although it officially started while I was with my beloved in person and we lived in the same area for 6 months.

That said, I am well aware of the difficulties. Never mind the fact that communication, mutual understanding, caring and trust are vital to any romantic relationship. If they are vital there, they are absolutely necessary in a long-distance relationship, where communication is naturally more of an effort, potentially eroding one's understanding of the other, interfering with the ability to genuinely care and where the distance makes it more difficult to trust, and yet all the more necessary.

But this is what is required to maintain a healthy relationship. I think the mistakes made in this one are related to the start and the maturity of the individuals involved. She's 16 and, if you read my last post in this thread, I don't think that she values herself enough and this causes her to attract the wrong people. In this case, she has attracted an immature, controlling young man, who is willing to use her for his own purposes, whatever they may be.


Agapooka

 

[Curiosilla]

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship, although it officially started while I was with my beloved in person and we lived in the same are for 6 months.

That said, I am well aware of the difficulties. Never mind the fact that communication, mutual understanding, caring and trust are vital to any romantic relationship. If they are vital there, they are absolutely necessary in a long-distance relationship, where communication is naturally more of an effort, potentially eroding one's understanding of the other, interfering with the ability to genuinely care and where the distance makes it more difficult to trust, but all the more necessary.

But this is what is required to maintain a healthy relationship. I think the mistakes made in this one are related to the start and the maturity of the individuals involved. She's 16 and, if you read my last post in this thread, I don't think that she values herself enough and this causes her to attract the wrong people. In this case, she has attracted an immature, controlling young man, who is willing to use her for his own purposes, whatever they may be.


Agapooka

@Gobias Industries it's true communication between the two is key for a healthy relationship (of any kind)

I first met Agapooka online and met him two months later. We never once have demanded anything from the other. If I was in your friends case (and Pooka started manipulating me in such a way [although this is difficult for me to imagine concidering him =b]) I would have broke it off after a week of sorrow/stress, I probably would have asked for a few tips first because I can sense the fear that can come by this...

How much does he know about her? Does he know where she lives exactly? Does he have all of her contact information? Have you mentioned anything to him about how you feel about this?

Has he threatened her? If there are this is something that can be dealt with with authorities; even if it is online for now. How did they meet exactly? Did you by any chance introduce him to her? Can you introduce her to someone else?

Why not try encouraging her to go out more? Set up something different to do together every now and then? Even watchinng movies. One day a comedy movie...perhaps the themes could start changing..to silly...to chickflick...to a more serious topic something she might be familiar with...but for now she needs to see a brighter side to things. Get her mind of of her boyfriend for a bit and it might be easier for her to step back and look at what's going on from a different perspective.

if she rejects your offers, just keep it open.

 

[Gobias Industries]

Well, they've broken up again. He did it this time because they were arguing, but I guarantee he was just trying to get to submit; she didn't. And she seemed excited about it being over, but I'm a little worried he might manipulate her back into the relationship. I let her know that was a concern of mine, though, and she said she was aware that he might try that. I don't know, I'll have to wait and see what happens. If she goes back with him, that'll be the time to talk to her.

 

[daydreamer]

I've been in something like this. She needs to break up all connection with him. When I was told this by my priest, I discussed with him for half an hour or even more about this but I eventually did it. It hurts at first, but it gets better in time.

This sounds like a relationship between a kidnapper and his victim where the victim feels sorry for the kidnapper when they're caught and they go to prison. It's not healthy. You need to really have a serious discussion with your friend.

I think she'll thank you in the end.

 

[Gobias Industries]

I agree, she needs to stop talking to him. But I can't do anything that'll guarantee she'll stop talking to him, all I can do is tell her that that's what I think she should do.

 

[daydreamer]

I agree, she needs to stop talking to him. But I can't do anything that'll guarantee she'll stop talking to him, all I can do is tell her that that's what I think she should do.

You got to do something, anything. He doesn't care about her as she does him. You have to stop it. She knows she should stop as well I bet.