Former partners

dvslil1

dvslil1

Regular Poster
MBTI
infj
It has occurred to me that I seem to collect ex boyfriends rather than cut them out of my life and move on. This often seems perculiar to people who like a clean break, and when they learn that my current boyfriend is off hangng out with my ex fiance and I'm cool with it that just confuses them further.

So I was wondering, how do other people on here handle former partners?
Is a clean break preferable, or do you redefine the relationship and stay in touch?
 
I do not speak with my ex and I'd like to keep it that way, sadly though I have to meet up with him to return some books.

He is probably going to make it rather difficult to resist beating him with a shovel. :mjedir:
 
Redefine, stay in touch. I'm still in (at least distant) contact with all of my exes, and on good terms with all of them (except for my estranged husband). It does take awhile to get to the point where the emotional attachment and familiarity of a romantic relationship wears off, but exes can make great friends because they know your quirks and you don't have to explain yourself as much. I could just be fortunate in that department, though.
 
Skoffin said:
I do not speak with my ex and I'd like to keep it that way, sadly though I have to meet up with him to return some books.

He is probably going to make it rather difficult to resist beating him with a shovel. :mjedir:
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Give the books to his mother, or mail them to him.
 
I don't want to spend money on mailing, I don't want to turn up at his place either. Come to think of it, it's probably weird that I never met his family even though we were together 2 years...

Anyway, I like the option where you come down here and we beat him with shovels. :m081:
 
Ahh. I'm still friends with most of my exes actually. I like the friendship we have.
Except for one. He's such a jerk.
I sincerely hope I'll see him again so he'll know exactly what it means when I hate someone. :m179:
 
err...there is not a single break up...save for stupid high school BS...that communication was possible afterward...that is all I will say
 
dvslil1 said:
It has occurred to me that I seem to collect ex boyfriends rather than cut them out of my life and move on. This often seems perculiar to people who like a clean break, and when they learn that my current boyfriend is off hangng out with my ex fiance and I'm cool with it that just confuses them further.

So I was wondering, how do other people on here handle former partners?
Is a clean break preferable, or do you redefine the relationship and stay in touch?
Click to expand...

For me, it all depended on the nature of the relationship we had and if my partner was mature during the break up. I am always one to end on a good note...unless I saw the partner as a complete ass and I didn't want anything to do with them.

After the initial break up and enduring the six months of healing, I tend to stay good friends with my ex and we seemed to understand the situation. It might be an INFJ thing or just simply wanting to not be on bad terms with people we once loved or cared for deeply.

If you are in bad terms with an ex it says a lot about the nature of the relationship you had, so its good to think about the underlying issues that led to the bad situation in the first place.
 
I never used to try and stay in touch after a relationship ended.

Then I made an exception or two to the rule, and started conversing with a couple of ex's after the initial fallout had subsided. I found that the niggles and issues that I had put up with during the course of the relationship had lost all of their charm afterward, and so as politely as I could (in most cases), I ceased communication with them again.

There was this piece I found on the internet between my separation and divorce years ago I felt was inspirational but I can no longer find, called "Why We Can't be Friends." The long and short of it is that somewhere during the relationship, things changed and one or both of you isn't the person who entered the relationship anymore. You can choose to try and stay connected, but in general the forces that took you two different ways will take you further apart over time, so it is best to just end things, say "thanks" and move on.
 
I have always stayed friends with ex's in someway or form.
I rarely spend time with them but we occasionally will catch up or if we see each other in public we'll chit-chat for a while. It's hard for me to cut anyone out of my life, especially someone who knows me and I know so well.

In fact just last week I met up with an old girlfriend for coffee. I was sort of dreading it before hand but ended up having a nice time. We talked for hours and I'm sure we still had a lot more to catch up on.
 
I've only ended one relationship on less than amicable terms, but all the others that followed were clean breaks. My most recent break up was supposed to accommodate a friendship, since we were friends before getting together, but there have been some complications with how this friendship has been playing out thus far.

I still occasionally chat with my all but one of my exes. Nothing too chummy, but we're still civil and do wonder what we're up to.
 
I am kind of like this. If I leave a person on good terms, then I will have a very very hard time letting go of them, even if I acknowlage that it would be far healthier to do so. If I leave on bad terms though, or I developed a distaste for the person, I will cut them off outright.
 
I want to stay friends with my ex (I only have one) but it's been difficult for me.

She broke up with me on the terms of "A romantic relationship is ruining our friendship and I don't want you to end up hating me." But after the break up our friendship has yet to returned to the way it was before we started dating. And I wonder if it's my fault. It was me who started cutting off contact with her. I don't hang out with mutual friends if she is going to be there. I haven't called her. I avoid any interaction at all with her really...

[Whine: On]

Why though? I just feel really sad when I'm around her. I'm sure she realized that I'm avoiding her but she hasn't confronted me about it which makes me feel worse. There was a quote I read once that really summed things up.

Some people build walls not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to tear them down
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She doesn't seem to care enough and that's devastatingly disappointing because it seems I still care (cared?) about her a lot.

[Whine: Off]
 
dvslil1 said:
It has occurred to me that I seem to collect ex boyfriends rather than cut them out of my life and move on. This often seems perculiar to people who like a clean break, and when they learn that my current boyfriend is off hangng out with my ex fiance and I'm cool with it that just confuses them further.

So I was wondering, how do other people on here handle former partners?
Is a clean break preferable, or do you redefine the relationship and stay in touch?
Click to expand...


For me, it really depends on how and why our relationship ended. My latest ex was the one to break up with me, because he was "going to be too busy with the last 2 months of school". Well, he wasn't the bastard. But, I stayed friends anyway because we had been really good friends for like 9 years. And yeah. One day he asked what his faults were, got pissed and said I didn't know him at all, and went on and on about stuff about me. :m035: So, I had to end it. Only, he didn't seem to get that we weren't friends anymore and continued trying to talk to me for a week. So I told him very clearly that I didn't want to hear from him anymore. And that was that. So if it's something like that, then I definitely want a clean break from him.
If it was more like the boyfriend before where I was the one to break up with him due to being seriously neglected, then I don't mind texting him back when he contacts me. I just don't expect much from him now, but I do enjoy talking to him and hanging out on occassions.
And... that's my long story. Sorry for the length!!!
 
Jayce said:
I want to stay friends with my ex (I only have one) but it's been difficult for me.

She broke up with me on the terms of "A romantic relationship is ruining our friendship and I don't want you to end up hating me." But after the break up our friendship has yet to returned to the way it was before we started dating. And I wonder if it's my fault. It was me who started cutting off contact with her. I don't hang out with mutual friends if she is going to be there. I haven't called her. I avoid any interaction at all with her really...

[Whine: On]

Why though? I just feel really sad when I'm around her. I'm sure she realized that I'm avoiding her but she hasn't confronted me about it which makes me feel worse. There was a quote I read once that really summed things up.

She doesn't seem to care enough and that's devastatingly disappointing because it seems I still care (cared?) about her a lot.

[Whine: Off]
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No... I just think that it's really hard to go back to the way things were before dating. It really depends on how close you got I think and the person.
 
I don't think that staying together has a lot to do with the maturity of the people involved. I suppose it may be possible to stay friends an ex if you mutually just happen to fall out of love..

I'm interested to know how you are able to stay so friendly with exes?

I still have good memories of the exes, and undoubtedly there was a time in which I really felt close to them, but the reasons for the break ups sort of negate all of those things. I have never had an amicable break up. But my relationships have ended due to getting pushed around and cheated on.. so.
 
alt ctrl del said:
I don't think that staying together has a lot to do with the maturity of the people involved. I suppose it may be possible to stay friends an ex if you mutually just happen to fall out of love..

I'm interested to know how you are able to stay so friendly with exes?

I still have good memories of the exes, and undoubtedly there was a time in which I really felt close to them, but the reasons for the break ups sort of negate all of those things. I have never had an amicable break up. But my relationships have ended due to getting pushed around and cheated on.. so.
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Yeah, mine have ended in being cheated on, which in my book isn't to easy to forgive, but our history before dating was too much to just forget. We were there through some rough shit before dating and it just feels right to keep in touch. Mind you, we don't hang out or chat on the phone. We've met for coffee twice in the past two years, but it's nice to keep the lines of communication open with her. I cared about her immensely and it just feels right to stay in touch.
 
mf said:
Yeah, mine have ended in being cheated on, which in my book isn't to easy to forgive, but our history before dating was too much to just forget. We were there through some rough shit before dating and it just feels right to keep in touch. Mind you, we don't hang out or chat on the phone. We've met for coffee twice in the past two years, but it's nice to keep the lines of communication open with her. I cared about her immensely and it just feels right to stay in touch.
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You know what, I've thought about it, and I could be civil with the ex that cheated on me. I was godawful to him when I broke up with him. But now, I don't care about having been cheated on by him. But the one who pushed me around, to be honest, I'm still way too angry.
 
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