Flirting | INFJ Forum



Aug 24, 2008
Ok so I'm pretty sure there isn't a thread exactly like this one...please correct me if I am wrong.

Can anyone give me some Flirting 101 advice? I understand that most guys need something obvious to let them know you are showing interest but I can't be straightforward like that. I tend to "flirt" with guys I have no interest in and I tend to give the guys I am interested in the cold shoulder.

I have no idea what I'm doing.
You came to other INJs for advice on flirting?
Well, not everyone here is an INJ and even so, there may be some INJ's who are great at flirting and can modify it towards my personality type because they can relate to it.
Hmm good point.

*Watches thread*
Haha Oh wow.
Rule 1: Don't give guys the cold shoulder.

Alright I'll give it a try. Although I've been out of the dating pool for awhile, I'll give advice and examples I have used and that I would feel comfortable using.

Flirting is all about body language. Now just to make it confusing the language changes when you are dealing with persons unknown to you, co-workers/classmates, and where you are.

Are you looking to get the attention of a guy across the room? Make eye contact, hold it for a moment, and then look down and away and resume conversation with whomever you are with. Repeat a couple times, if the guy doesn't come over and try to start up a conversation he is either shy, or not interested. Although if he is meeting your eyes more than once there is some interest there. Look for a way to get closer to him? Is he sitting near the ladies room...freshen up! Don't forget to smile as you pass by! Near the bar? Get yourself another drink as close as you can, if its a smaller establishment ask the bartender to send a refill to your interest. Sports fan? If he's wearing something sports related, and you have a similar interest (mine is football) make a comment to strike up a conversation.

Got a crush on a co-worker/classmate? Go out of your way to make small talk. Notice their presence (even just a nod can make someone a bit happier that they've been noticed), and acknowledge when they leave ('See you later' if they were in your group, or a big smile if they aren't close enough for a verbal cue). Ask for opinions/help with something. Guys like to feel useful. Ask for a small favor, "Oh are you going to refill your cup of coffee? Could you please bring me back a cup too?" (that ploy also works at concerts, especially when you don't want to lose your spot) If you spot an oppurtunity to be helpful, he/she needs a ride home, help setting up a presentation, a hand with their things etc, take it! Especially grab the oppurtunity anytime you can get to socialize away from the workplace.

Although its hard for an infj to make a first step, there are little things you can do to make yourself seem more open if you aren't comfortable doing anything too overt. If you are talking to someone, turn your shoulders towards them...face them completely and lean forward slightly. The posture indicates you are interested in what they have to say, and for most guys may indicate you are interested in them as well as giving them a courage boost. For all the bluster, a lot of guys are very fearful of rejection, and will prefer not to make a move rather than to risk getting hurt.

ETA: Oops, I guess as an ntj her comfort levels wouldn't necessarily be the same as an nfj.....maybe i should have looked at that mbti part...
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*looks back into the sands of time* oh yes, flirting, I remember it well!
I find girls nowadays flirt in a dirty or a seductive way and I've heard some guys say it pretty much scares them off or puts them off anyhow.
I had most of my success when my flirting was quite playful and stress free. Eye contact and eye messages are a great to get someone's attention, if you don't overdo it. If I was interested in someone and found myself flirting I would be careful not to go overboard. Guys can get overwhelmed by girls at the best of times, don't let your flirting be the death of the relationship! Guys love a girl who can laugh and who is funny and it can be flirtacious and intimate, laughing with someone.
You can flirt with a guy by showing interest in him, ask him questions - flirtations come in all forms I guess.
But the main thing is, it has to come naturally - you gotta be feelin' it.
Alcyone, I just read your post. Good stuff!
Alcyone, I just read your post. Good stuff!
I read it also, God, I hate flirting. So subtle in the begining, then it crashes on you like a tidal wave.

I really wouldn't know what to make of any "signals" being made cause I wouldn't notice them. As I see those things alot, but often times I take them for what they're appear to be someone is making eye contact, and looks away; she mustn't like when people stare at her. When a girl want's help (or anyone really), I'd give it without thinking of any alterior motives, cause that's the kind of guy I am.

The ignorant kind.
^ nix the above if the guy you're interested in is an INTP ^

(edit: that was to alycone... lol SH slipped in there first, and basically said what I would have)

I had a couple girls flirt with me when I went to college with all the standard subtle (trying to make small talk, showing interest in things they clearly weren't interested in), and not so subtle ("hey! do you want a back rub?") stuff, and even went out on a date or two, and didn't even know it until it came up in conversation with other friends months later. I would say I'm just dense, but it seems to be an intp stereotype as well. In that case, forget all your social conventions and talk to them about anything relatively meaningful. Anything conceptual is good... sci-fi and fantasy novels (since you're another NTJ, hehe) work well too. If you have to talk about people, make it about "why do people act the way they do in certain situations?" And just go for stark honesty in everything you say... maybe one out of 200 people is actually good at hiding their intentions.

we're an odd breed when it comes to flirting, though... if you flirt with us like you do everyone else, we'll think you're boring or too normal... but if you flirt with someone else like you would one of us, they'll think you're extremely weird and socially inept. If you're not sure what kind of guy he is, go with everyone else's advice... I just thought I oughta throw that in there in case, because I don't think anyone else here would have.
Ty Sumone! I started typing intending to just pour out something reasonably encouraging, and all of a sudden something clicked in my head. I just hope it helps,

This is a very informative article about the human bonding and establishing intimacy process. Scroll down to ''The Bonding Process" for a good technical template on flirting.

It is a very text book and clinical in its description. But surprisingly apt when you go back in your head and match it up with your life experiences.
SH and frozen~

I realize that one method won't work for every type of guy, but in general, I am attracted to E's. I don't think there are too many E's who would miss such signals. Now, if I was going to pursue one of you two, and what I would think was obvious wasn't catching, I used to have enough moxie to just put it on the table as ask straight out. No assumptions etc. But I prefer the role of pursued to pursuer. I just had to play my part and let the guy know there was interest on my end.

ETA: And I didn't ever show interest in something I didn't find interesting, or want to know more about. I didn't try to lure a guy in like that because that kind of stuff can breed resentment later. Mental image of a guy dragging his girlfriend out to a NASCAR event thinking they are going to have a good time together, and then realizing that his girl isn't interested at all and faked it to get a foot in the door. Just is not a recipe for a good relationship.
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Apparently I've made it to six on that list...

And I was completly and absolutely unaware of it.
Rule 1: Don't give guys the cold shoulder.

True! I did this once or twice when I just started dating and it did not go over! It just gave the guys a bad first impression! :mpaddy:
talk about things you know and just be honest - nobody wants to watch you stumble and fumble your way across topics. get the guy talking, and listen. participate in the conversation. keep it interesting.

but that always runs the risk of just being 'the friend'. it's easy to fall into the friend zone. i think the easiest way to avoid that and become someone that they'll pursue is to challenge them. without being offensive, of course. just lighthearted banter, almost like teasing - but always keep yourself on equal footing. don't look down on them, but don't drool over them. give compliments when they're due. hold back a little to get them thinking and reveal just enough to make them want to know you. then automatically you haven't given them the cold shoulder because you've been talking and laughing and engaging with them. and they know that you've noticed them.

also body language! but alcyone's link is great for that one :ml:

also, look your best whenever possible. i know that sounds shallow, but if you're going to be a challenge, at least be a nice looking challenge :)
Flirting? Huh? What’s that...

Boys like being glomped and than demoralised at video games right...

I’m so screwed :fear:

Totally, totally awesome!