Fickle affections

[Wyst]

This has been happening to me for years so I'm curious if this is just me or if it's common among INFJs.

Someone catches your eye. You're curious. You contemplate possibilities. You start to become interested. You continue contemplating.

Somewhere along the way, you mention your interest in said someone to a friend/family member. You get excited because by mentioning it to friends/family, it could lead to you actually doing something about your interest.

The next time you see said someone, you're like, 'meh'. Interest is gone. wtf?

I can't figure it out. Is this a defense mechanism that's automatically kicking in? Or am I just too damn picky and think, "I could do better" as soon as things go 'Oh that might be nice' and start moving towards 'Hmm, this could actually happen'.

This is seriously irritating. Anyone else or do I just have some issues to work on?

 

[Blind Bandit]

I would like others opinions to. I've felt this before as well as if someone just hits a switch and bam your passion for them is just gone. Its the weirdest thing ever. I also have this problem with interests.

 

[IndigoSensor]

Honestly this hasn't really happened to me. There are a handful of times it kind of has, but it wasn't true. In hindsight I realised I had forced myself to be interested in the beginning, so it didn't even count. When I am truly interested in someone, it sticks. Unfortonately hindsight is usually the sure fire thing that tells me how strong and true the interest was, but I am getting much better at knowing beforehand.

 

[NeverAmI]

I find myself doing this sometimes. I sabotage the potential with someone just to not have to take a risk. At first it is fairly harmless, but for me it grew over time. I was consciously scrutinizing someone I was potentially interested, as soon as I found anything even slightly resembling something that could cause a problem BAM I was done dealing with it.

Nowadays I don't even think about it, I dismiss some people before I even give the idea a chance. It is not even a valid defense mechanism anymore, it is just baggage that I need to toss.

My biggest thing for overcoming this (I haven't actually overcome this) was to just get comfortable associating with women, no romantic expectations. That's hard though because sometimes I don't have romantic feelings for that person, and they do, and vice versa. It really makes things a bitch but what can you do? I still have a really hard time sustaining multiple friendships though which kinda throws a wrench into meeting new people. I guess I don't really have to follow a specific rulebook for friendship, but I don't want people to feel bad or take it personally when I go back into my hole.

 

[sassafras]

I've had a couple of instances where I've been infatuated with someone, only to realize a few days or weeks later that I was falling more for a a projection of what they wanted me to see. My fascination would usually end as soon as I caught myself thinking, "Man, this guy is a complete dumbass..."

So I've had reasons for dispelling my initial attraction and chances are, so do most people (even if they don't consciously realize it). Unless, of course, they're the type more interested in the chase than anything else...

 

[DoveAlexa]

Honestly this hasn't really happened to me. There are a handful of times it kind of has, but it wasn't true. In hindsight I realised I had forced myself to be interested in the beginning, so it didn't even count. When I am truly interested in someone, it sticks. Unfortonately hindsight is usually the sure fire thing that tells me how strong and true the interest was, but I am getting much better at knowing beforehand.

I'm like Indy on this one and my affections usually last a fair long while.

 

[NeverAmI]

In my post, and I think in the OP, this is focused before ever initiating a chase.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I find myself doing this sometimes. I sabotage the potential with someone just to not have to take a risk. At first it is fairly harmless, but for me it grew over time. I was consciously scrutinizing someone I was potentially interested, as soon as I found anything even slightly resembling something that could cause a problem BAM I was done dealing with it.

Nowadays I don't even think about it, I dismiss some people before I even give the idea a chance. It is not even a valid defense mechanism anymore, it is just baggage that I need to toss.

My biggest thing for overcoming this (I haven't actually overcome this) was to just get comfortable associating with women, no romantic expectations. That's hard though because sometimes I don't have romantic feelings for that person, and they do, and vice versa. It really makes things a bitch but what can you do? I still have a really hard time sustaining multiple friendships though which kinda throws a wrench into meeting new people. I guess I don't really have to follow a specific rulebook for friendship, but I don't want people to feel bad or take it personally when I go back into my hole.

This actually makes a lot of sense. I've done this too.

And I do think there is some truth to the fact that we may force ourselves into being into someone as we latch on to anyone we can find.

 

[Wyst]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Here's a couple of things that I thought with regard to myself as I read your posts.

- I could be manufacturing this interest. Is this an interest born out of wanting to have interest in someone (anyone)?

- Am I confusing friendship with women for something more? I suck at friendship with girls. I usually avoid them. So when I actually discover I've made a genuine friend, it's easy to get confused by thinking, "We just get along so well. Oh, I must like this person!"

- Perhaps this is happening because I have no flirting capacity. Maybe in the process of flirting, someone would figure out, 'Oh. So and so is no good for me because of ____." But since I don't perform that perfunctory fly-by, it takes me a little longer to come across stuff.

I still don't know why I do this.

 

[NeverAmI]

I am horrible with body language. I think part of it stems from me simply not being comfortable expressing myself. I am not comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I am not comfortable when body language and expression is almost completely essential to interaction.

Someone had recently mentioned a book on body language, picking one up doesn't seem like a bad idea.

As they say, practice makes perfect, but I am not horribly inclined to be doing that in the first place.

Sometimes I feel really lonely, sometimes I feel absolutely free. I think my loneliness stems from me always wanting something new, and not being happy with the relationships I currently have, which isn't fair to anyone including myself.

So what exactly is it that I am grasping for? Probably some misconstrued ideal.

 

[NeverAmI]

A long time ago, I decided I would avoid relationships until I had myself figured out, or at least a strong hold.

I have since come to the realization such a thing will never happen. I will never have myself completely figured out. I think a relationship requires acceptance of both yourself and your partner.

If you can accept yourself, you will be more comfortable, and others will be more accepting as well.

I just really don't like accepting myself, I like to better myself, and that is a HUGE conflict of interests, lol. I suppose I could probably find a way to improve myself while finding acceptance as well. In fact, it would probably be much more efficient.

 

[Wyst]

NAI. Your Ni is quite impressive - you're reading my mind right now and have explained/expressed a lot of what's difficult for me to put into words.

Accepting myself is pretty hard. One way that's manifested is in my inability to be myself. Like you said...

Sometimes I feel really lonely, sometimes I feel absolutely free

... I sometimes am able to be at ease. I say what I want/think/feel. Other times, I'm merely an observer of what's happening around me - the desire to participate is there, but there's something else inside me that refuses to open up and be myself.

The person I'm actually thinking about gave me a hug. I knew it was coming and I felt like a deer in the headlights. I froze. Literally. Someone watching even said, "Wow.. he just went rigid."

On one hand, I'm thinking, "Score!" but on the other hand I'm thinking, "No wait.. you don't really like her, remember? Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll only be disappointed. Plus you'll just hurt her further down the road."

This makes me want to just isolate myself from relationships since I regard myself as a danger to others. I know that I won't ever get better at this by merely 'thinking positive thoughts to myself' and that I need to 'practice' as it were. But that grates against who I am.

 

[Blind Bandit]

A long time ago, I decided I would avoid relationships until I had myself figured out, or at least a strong hold.

I have since come to the realization such a thing will never happen. I will never have myself completely figured out. I think a relationship requires acceptance of both yourself and your partner.

If you can accept yourself, you will be more comfortable, and others will be more accepting as well.

I just really don't like accepting myself, I like to better myself, and that is a HUGE conflict of interests, lol. I suppose I could probably find a way to improve myself while finding acceptance as well. In fact, it would probably be much more efficient.

I'm working on breaking out of this thought process as well. If we keep waiting to live we never will.

 

[bamf]

I have moments of this short term attraction, but I normally can recognize it as the fickle emotion it is. I generally try to avoid acting on it because I know it won't last long at all before my mind decides I'm done. For this same reason I'm usually pretty careful with girls who come on to me. If I know it's not going to last long I'm careful, but even if I think it's something golden I take some time to avoid the woman deciding that it was just a short-term attraction thing.

 

[basic]

- Am I confusing friendship with women for something more? I suck at friendship with girls. I usually avoid them. So when I actually discover I've made a genuine friend, it's easy to get confused by thinking, "We just get along so well. Oh, I must like this person!"

If I look at your situation from my point of view, it seems that you're distancing yourself from relationships with women (either friendly, or more) because something in you is afraid of rejection or judgement. Even in a friendship between a heterosexual male and female, there will be some innate background sexual attraction no matter what. We are animals too. I don't think you're confusing friendship with something more, but you may to understand that there will always be that slight attraction. A friendship can exist with that there, as long as the distance is maintained.

For me, I feel like I have very "genuine" relationships with my female friends because I'm gay. The background sexual attraction isn't there. With my friendships with males (and there are far fewer of them) I find myself unable to get beyond a certain point of comfort because of something psychological on my part. This is true with both straight and gay male friends. In fact, I am closer to my straight male friends/acquaintances because I know there is the build-in distance of him being straight, so anything sexual is out of the picture.

I am horrible with body language. I think part of it stems from me simply not being comfortable expressing myself. I am not comfortable in my own skin, so to speak. I am not comfortable when body language and expression is almost completely essential to interaction.

Someone had recently mentioned a book on body language, picking one up doesn't seem like a bad idea.

Overall body language is innate. We express it and read it without really knowing it. We get "feelings" from people's body language. You might feel that someone wants to leave the room, or that he isn't interested in what you're saying. That said, it's still good to be more conscious and aware of it because it can be a really great tool for reading people and sending a message without saying it. If you're interested you should check out The Definitive Book of Body Language by Barbara Pease.

Oh and regarding male/female relationships, heterosexual men tend to be the worse at reading body language.

 

[jyrffw54]

This has happened to me so much through my teen years.
I have had my fair share of crushes that would last from a week to a few months, and would usually get over them because their personality would end up turning me off,they were too,predictible or....I figured out they were gay,

What is with me and falling for gay men!

I should start a thread on this lol

 

[NeverAmI]

On one hand, I'm thinking, "Score!" but on the other hand I'm thinking, "No wait.. you don't really like her, remember? Don't get ahead of yourself. You'll only be disappointed. Plus you'll just hurt her further down the road."

This makes me want to just isolate myself from relationships since I regard myself as a danger to others. I know that I won't ever get better at this by merely 'thinking positive thoughts to myself' and that I need to 'practice' as it were. But that grates against who I am.

Yea, I have had that too. Once I am in a relationship, no matter how bad I wanted it, I find that I don't appreciate that person like I should. Maybe that is common in all relationships, transitioning from the initial idealization into the standard-day reality of having what you wanted and struggling to be satisfied with it. That statement makes me think, am I considering the relationship in an impersonal matter and not actually realizing there is a real-flesh human breathing on the other side of the fence?

I think, on a whole, that happens A LOT and you and I really aren't any different from anyone else. It happens, sometimes relationships just aren't robust enough to withstand that plateau, of course it does require some work on both sides.

But yea, I think a lot of it still stems from general acceptance.

I never used to be interested in the chase, but now I start to see how people thrive on it. When you realize someone accepts you, or even has romantic interests in you, there is a surge. It is like an emotional high and it can become addictive. I typically have a conflict with short term relationships though, I refuse to become involved unless there is long term potential, except recently I had something that challenged that viewpoint, which is... odd.

I suppose it is ok to have a short term relationship if your intentions are good, and you aren't just attempting to use someone. No one is perfect, not everything can work out the way we would like, and it isn't really anyone's fault in a lot of cases. I guess the main theme of that statement is that you have to start somewhere, and that somewhere doesn't have to be picture perfect.

We are both human and imperfect, I suppose it is ok to act that way sometimes.

 

[Gaze]

Yea, I have had that too. Once I am in a relationship, no matter how bad I wanted it, I find that I don't appreciate that person like I should.

Yeah.

This is probably slightly off topic, but it's making me think of something I've always wondered about. I think that's why i'm a bit reluctant to develop anything with anyone who is focused on pursuing someone, because my fear is always that once they "have" you, then much of the excitement or initial interest in the person subsides and then they may find that they don't find the person that interesting or as appealing after all. That's why i'm uncomfortable with someone showering with a lot compliments, attention, or affection or says too many nice things or builds up this interest in the mystery of a person, because i think later they may get bored after a while, if the person doesn't turn out to be as interesting or engaging as they hoped or believed, it usually leads to an eventual break up. I think that's why it's a turn off is someone seems too interested in the beginning, because then i'm thinking "are you sure this is what you want? or is this fleeting?" I'd rather someone be just be interested but calm/take it slow. When someone builds up too many high expectations about themselves or about the person they're interested, it often leads to disappointment i think. That's just one perspective though.

 

[NeverAmI]

Yeah.

This is probably slightly off topic, but it's making me think of something I've always wondered about. I think that's why i'm a bit reluctant to develop anything with anyone who is focused on pursuing someone, because my fear is always that once they "have" you, then much of the excitement or initial interest in the person subsides and then they may find that they don't find the person that interesting or as appealing after all. That's why i'm uncomfortable with someone showering with a lot compliments, attention, or affection or says too many nice things or builds up this interest in the mystery of a person, because i think later they may get bored after a while, if the person doesn't turn out to be as interesting or engaging as they hoped or believed, leading to an eventual break up. I think that's why it's a turn off is someone seems too interested in the beginning, because then i'm thinking "are you sure this is what you want? or is this fleeting?" I'd rather someone be just be interested but calm/take it slow. When someone builds up too many high expectations about themselves or about the person they're interested, it often leads to disappointment i think. That's just one perspective though.

That makes a lot of sense.

 

[Odyne]

I think that's why it's a turn off is someone seems too interested in the beginning, because then i'm thinking "are you sure this is what you want? or is this fleeting?" I'd rather someone be just be interested but calm/take it slow. When someone builds up too many high expectations about themselves or about the person they're interested, it often leads to disappointment i think. That's just one perspective though.

**Off topic here too ( so sorry wyst lol)**

I can very much relate to this. I am often suspicious when someone moves too fast. The reason is, and it has happened before, they tend to see someone else in me, and I end up saying " I am not X person!" and it just gets bad afterwards. Also, I am not so much open about myself, and I am more focused on other people when I am with people, so how the hell do you know that it is ME who you want, when I know that you haven't spent enough time trying to know me.

Quick and intense is not my style. Well.. not "quick" anyways.