Do people play on you being accommodating?

[Altruistic Muse]

I just find that people will always try to pin responsibilities on me because they know I feel guilty for not being thoughtful or not helping someone out. For example, my brother may ask me for a lift early in the morning while I'm trying to get a project done. And will say no at first, but he knows the more I ponder about it the worst I will feel and eventually he will get his own way. Same with my parents. They will come in and demand that I do a certain thing. They are perfectly capable of doing it themselves but they have their excuses. Mine is obviously less relevant, and they know that 9 times out of 10 I will cave. I'm getting a bit annoyed that people take advantage of my good naturedly wanting to give people a hand!

 

[Deleted member 1391]

They might be taking advantage of your good nature, but you're the one letting them.

If you think they're taking advantage of you, simply don't humour their requests. That's the only way they're going to learn to stop doing it.

 

[Altruistic Muse]

They might be taking advantage of your good nature, but you're the one letting them.

If you think they're taking advantage of you, simply don't humour their requests. That's the only way they're going to learn to stop doing it.

A fair point, but then they swing round and say that I'm selfish or that I've changed etc. Whatever they know will upset me basically. I find all that quite difficult to deal with.

 

[Deleted member 1391]

A fair point, but then they swing round and say that I'm selfish or that I've changed etc.

That's their problem, not yours.

You might feel upset by their accusations, which is entirely understandable, but they're still going to keep doing it if you don't stand up for yourself and assert your stance.

 

[Orion]

I say this all the time, we have great skills but we need to learn when and where to use them. Like a powerful weapon, the bigger and stronger it is, the more skill and experience is needed to wield it correctly. Our empathy and inclination to help others are great, powerful attributes but you'll be crushed by them if you don't manage them. Ultimately you'll be able to help people even more if you learn to help yourself.

 

[IndigoSensor]

People don't play one me being accomidating, because they usually don't see me being accomidating. Me being accomindating is a protection mechanism for myself, as such others don't see it. For the most part too, I have gotten a lot better at putting my foot down with things.

 

[slant]

I'm stubborn.

 

[Entyqua]

Yea...everyone knows I cant say no...I wont say no...I will do what you ask of me because well I will...And they know just a little bit of guilt goes a long way. My mother is pretty good at it. I volunteered for a long time doing fund raising for a local non profit, I always bent over backwards for them and they knew it. I got sick and they booted me out like I was yesterdays garbage. Im starting to feel like a used tampon these days, I think my giving nature is giving up...

 

[HaHa]

If I noticed they were attempting to play on it, I'd try to make sure all of their efforts fail without them being able to realize why. Now I'm playing them.

 

[laurie]

People used to, but I eventually just decided enough was enough and started standing up for myself about it, and they rarely ask things of my unnecessarily now Only on the odd occasion, but that's manageable.
As Patrick Bateman once said: 'Just say no'.

 

[smiffy]

hmm I gonna go on the other side, I to am in the same boat,Ill be in the middle of work and I would get interupted to do something by bro/parents, but at the end of the day they are my family and sometimes I forget how good they are to me! so I remember all the things they done for me and then it seems like im not be taking advantage of! mind you not all familys are as nice as mine

 

[fatkattykat]

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel people take advantage of me, especially at work. My friends and family rarely do. I want to be a nice person, but in the real world, I have to learn to put my foot down or I will always be relegated other people's "sh** work".

This reminds me of a thread from the Highly Sensitive Person's forum. HSPs are usually kind people, but when they suddenly aren't able to do a favor, people will act like they are selfish and guilt trip them. But when a non-sensitive person turns down a request, people don't even remark, even though non-sensitives tend to be more consistently selfish. But it is because people are so used to "nice" people doing things for them that they get so angry that that favor (which is a privilege to begin with) is taken away). It's like teenager who is so used to having his parents buy him whatever he wants, and the parents tell him to "get a job."

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I'm fairly accommodating, but I think I've had luck with finding people who don't take advantage of that. Too much. Maybe I'm just not aware of it.

Anyhoo, I'm mostly able to say no when I need to, although I do feel guilty sometimes.

 

[Blind Bandit]

I understand how you feel. Sometimes I feel people take advantage of me, especially at work. My friends and family rarely do. I want to be a nice person, but in the real world, I have to learn to put my foot down or I will always be relegated other people's "sh** work".

This reminds me of a thread from the Highly Sensitive Person's forum. HSPs are usually kind people, but when they suddenly aren't able to do a favor, people will act like they are selfish and guilt trip them. But when a non-sensitive person turns down a request, people don't even remark, even though non-sensitives tend to be more consistently selfish. But it is because people are so used to "nice" people doing things for them that they get so angry that that favor (which is a privilege to begin with) is taken away). It's like teenager who is so used to having his parents buy him whatever he wants, and the parents tell him to "get a job."

This is so true.

People have tried to use me to make there job easier but I simply don't let them anymore. I've got more important things to do with my time.

I still have to fight hard not to say yes if I can't do something. Becasue I really do wanna help people.

But I've learned that throwing away my own needs is not an acceptable trade off.

 

[sassafras]

I'm a bit of a flake, and I don't take things that seriously unless I absolutely must. Most of the time, I'm off in my own little world. I will go out of my way to help people, sure, but I'm not the most dependable or responsible person in the world (although, for some reason, most people think I come off that way). Especially when I've been roped into doing something against my own will.

People tend to pick up on that really quickly, thankfully enough.

 

[nfuerfuau3873]

I am the same. In my friendship group I have had calls at 1am because all of them know, if they are really in a pickle, I will always bail them out. Also long term stuff, like projects I get roped into I stick it out to the end, and all though I do it to the best of my ability, I don't SEEM that into it.

My friends NEVER ask me to do trivial things though. One personality flaw of mine is that I am very placid generally, as such, I have some stored rage. Someone asked me to do something so stupid once I just flipped and told them all the f**k off. Of course they understood luckily. It was a stupid request (get my car, pick up shoes from one friends house, take them to anothers and then just go home).

But when it really matters, when people are stranded, or are in trouble, or just want moral support whilst they are going through something tough or hard to cope with.. i'm there... sometimes before they even ask.