Do kids change you? | INFJ Forum

Do kids change you?

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Satya, Feb 9, 2010.

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  1. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    I was talking to a friend lately about how I'm in my mid 20s and how I still feel like a kid. She then made a comment that has really struck me. She said that you are always a kid until you are responsible for one. In essence, she explained that people don't know what it truly means to be an adult until they have had kids. Relationships, occupations, financial responsilbities, etc. are all just child's play compared to the immensity of creating and raising a child.

    Do you parents agree with that idea? Did having kids change who you were? Did it make you feel less like a kid yourself and more like an adult? Do you think that people who don't have kids are not truly adults in some sense?
     
  2. BenW

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    Raising a kid is not the big mystical experience every parent seems to enjoy imagining it is.
    That's yuppie rhetoric.
    It's relatively easy shit that just about any moron can do correctly.

    That said, I do think having a kid prettymuch irreparably damages your ability to have fun, and if you're a good parent, this should be something you don't have an issue with.

    ...I would NOT be a good parent.
     
  3. OP
    Satya

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    Actually, from the parents I have seen, they have found their children to be a lot of fun. Very tiring and emotionally draining, but they speak about how amazing it is to watch them grow and the similarities they share with their parents.

    You wouldn't find it fun to watch a little you grow up?
     
  4. BenW

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    I think certain parts of raising a kid would be remotely fun.
    But that's around like, 8%-12% of the total experience.
     
  5. WellNoWonder

    WellNoWonder Peace Through Action

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    This may seem kind of harsh, but I really don't think people experience true, true love until they have children.

    When I watched my belly while I was pregnant, and watched two zany people punch and kick me for hours on end, how could I not love these people? They were inside of me....which is still very freaky for me to grasp...inside of me living and thinking and hearing everything I was physically doing.

    I still have no clue how I carried two babies at once. But I virtually shut out all negativity mentally and spiritually to do it. People could call me all types of bitches and hoes and I would smile and wave. Quit smoking instantly. I wouldn't quit smoking for myself though....

    So it's forced me to evaluate myself much more critically as a human being in relation to others on the planet, and I believe I still have much more growing (of course) and they will be a significant of that process.

    Oh yeah and to answer the question, having kids doesn't define adulthood to me. Just changes the way a person loves
     
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    #5 WellNoWonder, Feb 9, 2010
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  6. OP
    Satya

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    What makes you think you know? You aren't a parent. It's one of those things that you almost can't possibly imagine the emotional experience unless you have it. I don't know what it feels like to hold my newborn child for the first time or to watch them perform in a school play in elementary school or graduate from high school. I can't imagine you do either. That is a bond with another person that is incredibly unique.
     
  7. OP
    Satya

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    Ah, I had never considered it like that before.
     
  8. BenW

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    Yeah, I'm getting all teary-eyed just imagining it. -_-

    My post was only to imply that I don't find the vast majority of parenting to be fun or appealing.
    You could argue that other people are different, I suppose...

    A lot of the parents I know seem to hate their lives immensely, and still act like complete fucking "kids" in every sense of the word.

    I don't think having a kid inherently makes you any wiser or more mature of a person than you already are to begin with.
    If anything, it seems to make you more prone to being emotional over trivial things, and more likely to appeal to your impeccable credentials as a parent rather than make a good argument.
     
  9. OP
    Satya

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    Maybe that is what the difference is between a good parent and a bad parent. One is willing to give up being a kid for the responsibility of raising one and the other is not. If I was going to raise one, I think I would try to find enjoyment and pride in everything they do. It sounds like that kind of thing is something you despise. I'm not really sure what your issue with parents is, but I'm not so sure this is the thread for you to hash it out.
     
  10. BenW

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    If I'm only allowed to talk about how awesome having kids is, perhaps you should consider a PAX tag.
     
  11. OP
    Satya

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    Um...the questions were actually targeted towards parents in the OP.

    It's not that I have an issue with parents saying that parenting isn't as how my friend described it, it is having a non parent say so.
     
  12. BenW

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    Overlooked.

    Anyway, aren't the opinions of non-parents valuable?
    I was raised by two parents, as it happens...
     
  13. WellNoWonder

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    I agree here.

    I'm still a radical ass and I try not to get all emotional and stupid over dumb shit.

    In fact, I became an even more radical-ass parent, and let go all my -isms because I don't want my kids growing up to be dumbasses with prejudices, while becoming victim to the prejudices themselves.

    (My vocabulary and grammar suck right now. Healthcare idiosyncracies make me dumb.)

    Even though I'm relatively a new parent , I think a lot of parents get so wound up on giving the child the perfect childhood, they forget about that day the child moves out and is in the hardcore actual world.

    My parents did that to me. And I was very angry with them about it because I thought they were treating me like I was stupid. They were only doing what they knew, which is what the commercials and the Cosby show showed them.

    But lucky I was insightful enough to catch on really quick, and undid a lot of the damage.

    Now my kids are smarter than me. Good.
     
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  14. Billy

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    I don't have any children of my own yet, but i have a lot of young cousins and nieces and i'm nuts about them, I cant even imagine the emotional attachment i would have for my own children.
     
  15. OP
    Satya

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    I can no sooner imagine that you would know what it feels like to be a soldier, or astronaut, than what it feels like to be a parent. Being raised by parents does not give you perspective on the emotional experience of being one. If it did, then I imagine you were quite the traumatized child.
     
  16. WellNoWonder

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    Satya,

    I see lots of parents who make me cringe.

    They're just 12 year olds with 12 year old kids.

    Slapping the kids around like a schoolyard brawl, everyone yelling and screaming. Ugh.

    The experience is all subjective.
     
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  17. BenW

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    Unless I misunderstand, your question wasn't if I can "feel the love" or not, it was whether or not having kids seriously affects a persons maturity or personality.

    So, I felt it was appropriate to state from my observations, NO.
     
  18. OP
    Satya

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    Sad. Indeed, I know that my own mother never truly grew up. I was abandoned when I was 13. But I've seen enough good parents, who even when they have trouble with kids, go very far out of their way to protect and care for them just because they love them. That is why my friend's comment struck me. Even if some people don't change when they have kids, it seems some do quite profoundly.
     
  19. christmas

    christmas is such a boss bitch.
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    Sorry, I can't agree with you there. Were you incapable of loving before you started carrying a human being inside you? I don't think so. With some people parenthood changes nothing about the way they love.
     
  20. OP
    Satya

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    Incorrect. My question was one of knowledge. Does a person know what it is like to truly be an adult before they have kids. Even if some parents choose not act like adults, it doesn't mean that they don't know what it means to be an adult.

    There is no way you could possibly answer that question.
     
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