[INFJ] Do INFJs hold often hold grudges when hurt badly or are they forgiving?

[bonfire]

Btw, I'm new to the forums and still don't know how to quote.

 

[Ginny]

I think the reason why someone would hold grudges can vary. From my observation, grudge holding usually happens because of scars to the ego than the actual severity of being hurt. But even the most self-conscientious people can hold grudges when the hurt is too deep or a direct attack to the most sensitive value inside of them. So it's possible that this could happen to everyone. Regarding temperament or personality types, I think introverts tend to hold more grudges because most introverts value quality over quantity and as a result, hold deeper internal values than extroverts in general, when the value is violated, it can feel like "that was the only thing I have but you still managed to ruin it" which can easily turn into grudges I think.

I wasn't talking about reasons for grudges, but ways of holding grudges, how it is felt and expressed, that can be predicted via the enneagram. I am an angry person that stifles their anger until it can no longer be contained. Being rather pricipled, a gross violation of those principles incites me more quickly. I attribute this to the enneagram 1. And the way I hold the grudge is by making them pay, hurting them with equal force (or plotting to at least, that helps too sometimes). This is representative of the enneagram 4. Of course, my instinctual variants also play a role. Lady Jolanda had a nice overview in mind-map form somewhere about how this works, but I don't remember where. It must have been in one of the other enneagram threads.

As for quoting, just hit the reply button on the post you wish to cite. If there are more messages you want to quote, use +quote.

 

[bonfire]

I wasn't talking about reasons for grudges, but ways of holding grudges, how it is felt and expressed, that can be predicted via the enneagram. I am an angry person that stifles their anger until it can no longer be contained. Being rather pricipled, a gross violation of those principles incites me more quickly. I attribute this to the enneagram 1. And the way I hold the grudge is by making them pay, hurting them with equal force (or plotting to at least, that helps too sometimes). This is representative of the enneagram 4. Of course, my instinctual variants also play a role. Lady Jolanda had a nice overview in mind-map form somewhere about how this works, but I don't remember where. It must have been in one of the other enneagram threads.

As for quoting, just hit the reply button on the post you wish to cite. If there are more messages you want to quote, use +quote.

Thanks. I just thought I pushed the wrong button or something and the quote didn't appear when I hit +Quote button.

I think it's plausible to say that gut center types may hold more grudges than other centers, since they have more problems realizing the anger to begin with, but initially I didn't relate being easily angered to holding grudges, so I didn't really make a connection. Some people I know are easily angry but they rarely hold grudges (my friend, an enneagram 8w7 ESTP). So I think it must have been something about being introvert (and maybe judger). Anyway, it's great to hear your personal experience being INFJ with enneagram 1. Being Sx first may also play the part too (I'm Sx last though, which may explain it?). I've read somewhere in that E1 experience anger by withholding it internally than to express it, for example, they'd rather clench their fists than to shout, etc. Does this description explain you? Does your anger have something to do with emotions since your type connects with enneagram 4? The only gut center I could relate to is Enneagram 8 as it's my integrating type so excuse me if I asked something too probing.

 

[Ginny]

Does your anger have something to do with emotions since it connects with enneagram 4?

Yes and no. Anger is an emotion, but often I don't even know what got me angry until I vent, which means that I have to give in to it and let it roam free. And for the most part, it is - as I said - an infringement of principles I hold dear, which connects more to my rational side than my emotions. When someone is being irrational in their emotions or knowledge, using them in a way that makes others responsible for their own shortcommings, or makes them feel like they shouldn't be feeling what they feel - that makes me angry like nothing else. It's different from me countervaluing my own feelings (basically normal INFJ thing, Fi in 6th), because I consider them counterproductive in a particular situation.
The only person who gets to decide over my feelings and priciples is me. Same goes for other people. But in the same vein, I expect people to not cross specific lines in expressing their feelings and priciples. But those I couldn't draw right now. I feel the lines in the moment, because every situation requires and allows a different response.

 

[infinite dreams]

Just my experience, so take that for what it's worth, but "grudges" appear to me to be the realm of Fi, particularly lower in the stack. Most people I've observed over the years who held onto deep seeded grudges against others (or that espouse the "forgive but never forget" philosophy) exhibited xxTJ functional traits.

 

[Ginny]

Just my experience, so take that for what it's worth, but "grudges" appear to me to be the realm of Fi, particularly lower in the stack. Most people I've observed over the years who held onto deep seeded grudges against others (or that espouse the "forgive but never forget" philosophy) exhibited xxTJ functional traits.

But that is coupled with Si and memory too. People forget, people with Si low in the stack doubly so if they can't place themselves within past experiences feeling exactly what they felt before. There are people that feel only in the moment and remember past feelings merely with the dullness of a dream. This is how I'd say people feel with Se in the conscious stack. However, there are also ways for them to be reconfronted with those old feelings, when getting reacquainted with the old situation and feeling those feelings anew. It then depends on whether they changed as a person. With growth, they may have become more tolerant of such a situation and don't react the same way, looking at the situation with fresh eyes.

 

[Night Sky]

Sometimes I hold small grudges, but if someone does something unforgivable I cut them out of my life and stop thinking about them almost immediately.

 

[Roses In The Vineyard]

Less so much towards individuals but more so towards various types of people that more or less rub me the wrong way repeatedly like most STs and some NTs. Not overly fond of hyper social types either as they cause so much drama like back biting and gossip ect.