I'm an INFJ. I have been hurt badly and belittled in my life. I am prone to holding grudges. Is this common with INFJs? Or are INFJs forgiving?
I do not personally advocate mixing the type code to the MBTI instrument with cognitive functions much, as they are getting at different enough organizations of the Jungian ideas.
So my suggestion is about the MBTI test INFJs -- my answer is you should look up the HEXACO. F types are markedly higher in Agreeableness on the Big 5 than T types, but this is specifically in their tendency to involved tendermindedness over a more cold logicality. The HEXACO's version of Agreeableness measures tendencies to hold grudges etc, and is highly related to ideas of the Anger facet of the NEO-PI-R's Neuroticism dimension, a facet which does significantly relate negatively with Agreeableness -- it's like an anger-tinted measure of Agreeableness (with anger the opposite of Agreeable).
Given despite F's correlate with Agreeableness, it doesn't correlate negatively with Anger much as far as I know, I'd say SOME INFJs probably do hold grudges. The INFJ who gives and gives, and gives in thought of selfless love and sacrifice, but grows disgruntled and hateful, is a real example of INFJ. But, there are other ones who are lower in anger, and don't do this.
So my suggestion is about the MBTI test INFJs -- my answer is you should look up the HEXACO. F types are markedly higher in Agreeableness on the Big 5 than T types, but this is specifically in their tendency to involved tendermindedness over a more cold logicality. The HEXACO's version of Agreeableness measures tendencies to hold grudges etc, and is highly related to ideas of the Anger facet of the NEO-PI-R's Neuroticism dimension, a facet which does significantly relate negatively with Agreeableness -- it's like an anger-tinted measure of Agreeableness (with anger the opposite of Agreeable).
Given despite F's correlate with Agreeableness, it doesn't correlate negatively with Anger much as far as I know, I'd say SOME INFJs probably do hold grudges. The INFJ who gives and gives, and gives in thought of selfless love and sacrifice, but grows disgruntled and hateful, is a real example of INFJ. But, there are other ones who are lower in anger, and don't do this.
I cannot speak for others but I don't hold grudges. I will not trust that person again and will not want to associate but I will forgive.
I don't ever hold grudges. I can't hold on to any negative feelings. I need to feel at peace and you can't if you hold on to any negative feelings. People tell me that my presence is very light-hearted and I think it's because of that.
I don’t ever hold grudges, I just don’t ever trust that person again and/or distance myself from them.
Now if someone were to say - hurt my Son somehow, I can’t say that I would be able to distance my feelings in such a manner.
To me, holding onto all that negative energy and feelings just eats away at you…it certainly doesn’t help you in any way - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc.
Now if someone were to say - hurt my Son somehow, I can’t say that I would be able to distance my feelings in such a manner.
To me, holding onto all that negative energy and feelings just eats away at you…it certainly doesn’t help you in any way - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, etc.
Actually, this is me also. I distance myself from people I consider hurtful rather than hold a grudge. I don't have children but in a similar way I tend to be more emotionally invested when other people are getting hurt.
Not INFJ but I don't hold grudges either, otherwise I can't feel peaceful in my daily life and that's something which is important to me. It's okey to feel hurt and a bit of mad too for some time but then it's time to move on and let go... Better for both parties honestly. I forgive very easily, sometimes even too easily. I can forgive but not forget which means I can't trust anymore.
The only grudges I hold are competitive ones. If someone beats me in something like a tennis game, I won't be happy until I've beaten them. Perhaps that's just a variety of over-competitiveness.
Like others, I'm more likely to become perpetually wary of a person, than hold an active grudge against them. That might just be semantics, if wariness is a type of grudge.
Like others, I'm more likely to become perpetually wary of a person, than hold an active grudge against them. That might just be semantics, if wariness is a type of grudge.
I think it depends. I can hold grudges, but it depends on what the misdemeanor is. Simple mistakes and general immaturity is easy to forgive and forget. And if it's isn't at first, I just need time to think and reflect on the amount of mercy I've been given in my life. Who am I to cast judgement?
However serious mistakes made by others (bullying, cruelty, betrayal, hypocrisy) is something I absolutely can't stand, especially if it's committed against other people. Those take a while for me to get over, but I do overcome it eventually.
But I know that if anyone was to apologize to me or whoever, I would most definitely forgive no matter what happened.
So INFJs can hold grudges, but they also can wholeheartedly forgive.
However serious mistakes made by others (bullying, cruelty, betrayal, hypocrisy) is something I absolutely can't stand, especially if it's committed against other people. Those take a while for me to get over, but I do overcome it eventually.
But I know that if anyone was to apologize to me or whoever, I would most definitely forgive no matter what happened.
So INFJs can hold grudges, but they also can wholeheartedly forgive.
To hold a grudge speaks nothing of why the grudge exists in the first place. Regardless of type, if someone has hurt you repeatedly, it is okay to feel hurt, anger, hatred, or resentment. One can be too quick or too slow to hold a grudge, but everyone has a threshold and everyone is capable of having one. One thing is for sure though, it will tear you up inside and eat away at the heart of your existence, whether the grudge is justified or not. I have held a few grudges in my life, but they stemmed from years of hurt that slowly evolved into a grudges over time. Usually, I approach relationships in a shy, yet open manner, and will easily forgive for most acts that cause hurt. It is only when it goes on for quite some time and the person seems indifferent to how I feel at all when a grudge starts to take hold. If there is a lot of hurt, I will eventually cut the person out of my life, but I always hold out for some sort of reconciliation. When they ask for forgiveness, I tend to forgive but not forget, so the relationships can revert back to its previous state quicker than with new relationships.
I think issues such as grudges are too complicated to reduce or attribute to any type and are all a part of being human.
I think issues such as grudges are too complicated to reduce or attribute to any type and are all a part of being human.
Yeah, I think I would tend to be less forgiving of someone who hurt a loved on of mine than someone who actually hurt me.
I tend to hold grudges when going through a stressful time with someone. Or if the hurt inflicted was very recent. I'll get periods of normalcy but then an intense grudge will flare up, especially if I'm not able to (or haven't) cut all sources of contact.
Long term (1+ year) after an incident/being cut off, not so much.
Maybe one day I'll be able to never have a grudge ever, even in the moment of stress/hurt. I don't internalize my feelings at the time I experience them as a grudge, but it definitely is some of that involved.
Long term (1+ year) after an incident/being cut off, not so much.
Maybe one day I'll be able to never have a grudge ever, even in the moment of stress/hurt. I don't internalize my feelings at the time I experience them as a grudge, but it definitely is some of that involved.
I try to forgive, my God I do.
I try to do what is best, and what is kind.
I forgive to free myself from hate and bad karma.
But if that grudge stays in my heart, it is hard to let go of,
I try to do what is best, and what is kind.
I forgive to free myself from hate and bad karma.
But if that grudge stays in my heart, it is hard to let go of,
I hold grudges. I don't even feel guilty about it or that it is a character flaw. Remembering viscerally that someone utterly shat on you serves a purpose.
With me, it depends on what you've done. If you do or say something trivial against me, I'm usually very quick to retaliate and it will probably niggle at me for days. If it's something trivial, for example a mindless comment, I will usually forgive but rarely forget. I will more than likely distance myself from you and limit any future interactions, not allowing you to get close. If you cross the line with me and do something despicable/evil with the intention of doing me or my loved ones harm I will probably never forgive, even if you apologise. To me, some things are just unforgivable. Like others here, I tend to distance myself from mean spirited people and try and surround myself with supportive genuine people who, unfortunately these days, are few and far between.
I do forgive but never forget. I forgive because I want to free myself from those feelings that rot you slowly inside, it just doesn't feel like living. I will need sometime way from them depending of what have done, but if it's repeated over and over again, I'll just cut contact with them. With time I will understand their reasons, even if I don't agree I will forgive. Grudge and hate bring me so down that I can't live so I have forgive and move on.
I only hold grudges against people that continually lie to themselves and those around them about who they are, and wish to artificially masquerade as nice people, when in actual-fact they are very callous and nasty people. I also hold grudges against those with specific ideas (Like blowing up buildings for the sake of overblown fairy-tales that seem to be accepted as popular belief systems) that threaten to hurt people. For example: I hold a personal grudge against all fundamentalist groups for the murders and violence they inflict upon people and for brainwashing, force-converting and attempting genocide on populations. This grudge has led me to wish that our war in Afghanistan should have been fought much more ruthlessly.
Appendix: I know I am not an INFJ, but it's nice to get a perspective from other types, right?
Appendix: I know I am not an INFJ, but it's nice to get a perspective from other types, right?
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