I’ve personally never been able to hold a grudge ever since I was little I remember this. I would try to stay mad at someone that hurt me but couldn’t ever stay mad, it would usually last a few hours and then I’d talk to them again. It’s really hard holding grudges therefore I’ve never experienced it. Except there was a moment that I’ve experienced it recently. I wouldn’t say it was a grudge but it was more like I was annoyed by how this person hurt me and the fact that they were very fake, which ya know INFJ’s can’t stand fake people. But I’ve noticed now that I don’t feel any anger or hate towards him anymore as I know he’s been through a lot and I feel for him. I actually care deeply for him and hope he gets better. My brother that’s an enfj seems to hold a grudge against him still, he’ll make a joke about him every once in a while but I don’t ever say anything back cause I understand why the persons the way he is. But yeah I never understood how it said that INFJ’s hold grudges easily I never ever have I’ll usually forget what the person does and forgive them but stay away from them because I’ll know they aren’t the nicest person and they’ll hurt me again, cause I tend to never ever be fake towards someone or ever hurt them so why am I gonna be with someone that takes my kindness to their advantage and then treats me terribly.
But overall never been able to hold grudges
But overall never been able to hold grudges
I once fell in with a group of cluster b's a few years ago. Needless to say, it ended badly. They all hated me and demonized me to the entire community. one was even stalking my family. I held a grudge for a loooong time after that. I don't care anymore, but I'm still recovering.
When I was younger I used to hold grudges. Eventually I saw that I was only hurting myself. Forgiveness can still be difficult, and on a few occasions I've experienced false forgiveness; I merely said what I wanted to be true in the hope that talking about it would make it so.
Grudges are nothing but destructive. Avoidance can be destructive too, but at least it's closer to protecting yourself. I'm not mature enough to "avoid avoidance" and to keep facing the difficult issues every time. And whom do I need to avoid? Well, cynical, destructive people, who are probably like that because they're holding grudges so old that the behaviour pattern persists even when they don't remember the origins anymore.
So, I don't know about INFJs in general, but I see it more as a question of maturity, one that we probably struggle with for all our lives.
SpecialEdition actually said it better than I could.
Grudges are nothing but destructive. Avoidance can be destructive too, but at least it's closer to protecting yourself. I'm not mature enough to "avoid avoidance" and to keep facing the difficult issues every time. And whom do I need to avoid? Well, cynical, destructive people, who are probably like that because they're holding grudges so old that the behaviour pattern persists even when they don't remember the origins anymore.
So, I don't know about INFJs in general, but I see it more as a question of maturity, one that we probably struggle with for all our lives.
SpecialEdition actually said it better than I could.
I can see grudges against ideas. Entitlement or arrogance come to mind. Everyone can take these traits on even briefly and I will get defensive. Its like hating the demon that possesses instead of the individual.
Not even sure of my typing, but I'm at a loss for where I stand in this issue. I do think I am pretty forgiving and laid back when enough time has passed, but it does depend on the situation and what the other person did. I do tend to let grudges go if the other person makes a sincere attempt to apologize and mend what's broken between us.
I don't hold grudges, really. If I'm hurt really really badly, I typically doorslam and forget. This allows me not to dwell on the potential grudges I may have developed otherwise. Still not completely sure it's healthy, though.
For me, it depends completely on the person, situation, duration, intensity and level if intention of the other person. I believe this is where the infamous "INFJ doorslam" comes into play. It takes a lot to get me to that point but once I slam a door on someone, hell will freeze over before they will ever hear from me again.(sorry for the curse word) But it really is the truth.
Happy Phantom
Well-known member
I’m not a grudge holder. There have been people who have hurt me pretty badly and if they’re sincerely sorry I usually will forgive because after all we’re only human. I also dislike the term doorslam. I’m a keep your options open kind of person in most cases, unless the person in question is a danger to themselves and to others. Toxicity isn’t something I’m willing to tolerate from others anymore.
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Check out the HEXACO model (6-factor model, competitor to Big 5) of personality. Its own Agreeableness dimension highlights facets relevant to neuroticism (the anger aspect, not fear). It expressly has a facet related to this.
If by grudges you mean do they hold deep-seated vengeful anger, that's answered by the HEXACO thing: given that facet correlates with neuroticism, and an INFJ typing doesn't much, there's no reason to suppose that. Some will, and others won't -- it's not an INFJ-specific thing (here I'm using dichotomies, because functions theory doesn't deal with these issues when properly understood, it's much more abstract.)
However, if you're referring to sensitivity, sure, I think there's a good chance INF types in general feel things deeply and tend towards cautious deeply intimate relationships vs more free-spirited but shallow connections, so I imagine this involves some reservations about trusting too easily.
If by grudges you mean do they hold deep-seated vengeful anger, that's answered by the HEXACO thing: given that facet correlates with neuroticism, and an INFJ typing doesn't much, there's no reason to suppose that. Some will, and others won't -- it's not an INFJ-specific thing (here I'm using dichotomies, because functions theory doesn't deal with these issues when properly understood, it's much more abstract.)
However, if you're referring to sensitivity, sure, I think there's a good chance INF types in general feel things deeply and tend towards cautious deeply intimate relationships vs more free-spirited but shallow connections, so I imagine this involves some reservations about trusting too easily.
TL;DR
I can't speak for all INFJs (and I don't think it relates to type, as @charlatan repeatedly said), but I am capable of grudges. It doesn't render me incapable of forgiveness and it largely depends on the person and the infraction. Forgetting doesn't work, because there will always come a time where you'll be reminded of the infraction and the grudge is revived. In some way it is a curse, but one that is most likely to affect you more than the one that is supposed to be hurt by it. In all likelihood, they don't even know of your anger towards you. You see them going by carefree, leaving you with more hatred than you actually started with. It changes the dynamic you could potentially have with that person had they ever been confronted with and acknowledged their infraction. If they don't see it, they can't know it. But then again, there are also people who don't see a problem with their infractions, even though they know of them and your feelings about them.
Both instances are cases where I really imagine to become physical, just so that they feel a fraction of the suffering they have caused me. Hatred is the easy way out, but the side effect is a coldness that spreads from there to other relationships as well. Basically, it infects your core self. Avoidance is the road to take if you want to forever wander in the dark. It's neither hatred nor forgiveness. It's cowardice, a fear of closure and the truth. Hatred twists the truth to pertuate the feeling, reinterpreting the situation in ever more nefarious ways to justify the amount of hatred you develop to that person, as the objective cause of your suffering. As such, hatred and avoidance are two different flavours of the same thing.
Forgiveness is hard. It takes the first step of confronting the other party, which is the most difficult thing to get going at all. But then you approach a new obstacle: listening and understanding, from both parties. You can try it, but this is where most attempts of forgiveness fail to come to pass. I haven't reached any part beyond that. Either the infraction was never big enough to take such radical effects, or I don't see anything happening any time soon with the other party, for one reason or another. One attempt at forgiveness had failed (that was back in secondary school), and I still hate that person for it. I also still hate my 4th grade teacher, which I was recently reminded of while walking past the school. (There are other examples as well, but not any to be mentioned in public.) Therefore, I don't believe that forgetting is ever going to work, because the things I hold grudges for tend to mark me for life. Any other thing cannot be called a grudge in my book.
I can't speak for all INFJs (and I don't think it relates to type, as @charlatan repeatedly said), but I am capable of grudges. It doesn't render me incapable of forgiveness and it largely depends on the person and the infraction. Forgetting doesn't work, because there will always come a time where you'll be reminded of the infraction and the grudge is revived. In some way it is a curse, but one that is most likely to affect you more than the one that is supposed to be hurt by it. In all likelihood, they don't even know of your anger towards you. You see them going by carefree, leaving you with more hatred than you actually started with. It changes the dynamic you could potentially have with that person had they ever been confronted with and acknowledged their infraction. If they don't see it, they can't know it. But then again, there are also people who don't see a problem with their infractions, even though they know of them and your feelings about them.
Both instances are cases where I really imagine to become physical, just so that they feel a fraction of the suffering they have caused me. Hatred is the easy way out, but the side effect is a coldness that spreads from there to other relationships as well. Basically, it infects your core self. Avoidance is the road to take if you want to forever wander in the dark. It's neither hatred nor forgiveness. It's cowardice, a fear of closure and the truth. Hatred twists the truth to pertuate the feeling, reinterpreting the situation in ever more nefarious ways to justify the amount of hatred you develop to that person, as the objective cause of your suffering. As such, hatred and avoidance are two different flavours of the same thing.
Forgiveness is hard. It takes the first step of confronting the other party, which is the most difficult thing to get going at all. But then you approach a new obstacle: listening and understanding, from both parties. You can try it, but this is where most attempts of forgiveness fail to come to pass. I haven't reached any part beyond that. Either the infraction was never big enough to take such radical effects, or I don't see anything happening any time soon with the other party, for one reason or another. One attempt at forgiveness had failed (that was back in secondary school), and I still hate that person for it. I also still hate my 4th grade teacher, which I was recently reminded of while walking past the school. (There are other examples as well, but not any to be mentioned in public.) Therefore, I don't believe that forgetting is ever going to work, because the things I hold grudges for tend to mark me for life. Any other thing cannot be called a grudge in my book.
· I still hope that the company that made me redundant goes out of business and those who avoided the redundancy (in particular, the managers that made the decision to fire me) experience the same nightmare I have gone through since it happened.
· The ex-friend who betrayed me - I hope someone does to him what he did to me so he can feel the hurt and the same red hot dagger that he drove into my side.
Bearing a grudge is well….SATISFYING!
So yes....it maybe the INFJ "dark side" speaking out.
I don't think holding grudges or not is type-related. Anyway I'm more of a 'forgive but not forget' which means if someone crossed the line, it would take a very long time to get close to me again. But I wouldn't try to seek revenges or anything like that, retaliation as a way of self-preservation maybe, but not revenges. I think it's too much time and mental energy wasted on people who don't deserve your attention to begin with. In most cases I'd rather forgive them and move on.
I think the reason why someone would hold grudges can vary. From my observation, grudge holding usually happens because of scars to the ego than the actual severity of being hurt. But even the most self-conscientious people can hold grudges when the hurt is too deep or a direct attack to the most sensitive value inside of them. So it's possible that this could happen to everyone. Regarding temperament or personality types, I think introverts tend to hold more grudges because most introverts value quality over quantity and as a result, hold deeper internal values than extroverts in general, when the value is violated, it can feel like "that was the only thing I have but you still managed to ruin it" which can easily turn into grudges I think.