Differentiation of Self

[Satya]

Being an authentic adult is hard work and a never completed task. The pathway is paved with difficulty and challenge.

To become an adult, every person faces the task of the differentiation of self.

Not to differentiate is to fuse (the failure to become a separate person) with others and to place responsibility on others (or on situations, predicaments, and hurdles) for the way in which our lives develop. To differentiate is to provide a platform for maximum growth and personal development for everyone in your circle of influence.

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes, taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everday living.
16. Paying the price for building and living within community.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

http://rodesmith.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

Thoughts? Have you been able to differentiate yourself from others? Do you think INFJs have an easier or harder time with this task?

 

[gloomy-optimist]

I think I've been pretty successful in differentiating myself. I don't know so much about others of the type; I think typically it might be easier for an N type to differentiate themselves from society than an S type would be

 

[Satya]

I think I've been pretty successful in differentiating myself. I don't know so much about others of the type; I think typically it might be easier for an N type to differentiate themselves from society than an S type would be

I was primarily referring to the ability to differentiate from friends, family, and your community (those who are close to you); not society as a whole.

 

[Soulful]

I think this stuff should be integrated within the school curriculum.

I know that doesn't answer your question Satya.

In thinking about school - the school curriculum, as I know it, is ancient. I enjoyed school and did well, but I barely remember what I spent my time learning. Schools need to have programs that address life skills, emotions, communication, coping, human rights - some psychology and sociology basics. Some kids learn the stuff at home, or even in the community. But there are many children who don't have the same opportunities to acquire the skills to succeed in life, to develop into healthy adults. It is unfortunate and fortunately, addressable.

Rather than forcing children to sit through classes on a variety of things they may not care about, they could teach what is relevant and find more creative ways to let kids learn the rest.

In terms of your question, I am working on it. I think it may be easier for INFJs or people in general who have a tendency to be reflective or have insight into the psyche, relations between people, and personal responsibility.

 

[Soulful]

Talk about a post out of place!

:rant: - that's my school curriculum rant..

Your article reminded me of it... and I started ranting :lol:

 

[IndigoSensor]

I think this stuff should be integrated within the school curriculum.

I know that doesn't answer your question Satya.

In thinking about school - the school curriculum, as I know it, is ancient. I enjoyed school and did well, but I barely remember what I spent my time learning. Schools need to have programs that address life skills, emotions, communication, coping, human rights - some psychology and sociology basics. Some kids learn the stuff at home, or even in the community. But there are many children who don't have the same opportunities to acquire the skills to succeed in life, to develop into healthy adults. It is unfortunate and fortunately, addressable.

Rather than forcing children to sit through classes on a variety of things they may not care about, they could teach what is relevant and find more creative ways to let kids learn the rest.

In terms of your question, I am working on it. I think it may be easier for INFJs or people in general who have a tendency to be reflective or have insight into the psyche, relations between people, and personal responsibility.

You sound exactly like my mom (and that is a good thing)

 

[Soulful]

Thanks Indigo!

 

[gOpHeR]

I think I'm doing fairly well differentiating myself with those close to me.

I'm reminded about a time in drivers ed. where the teacher said something to the point of "There are accidents where noone is to blame, but there's alwayse a way the accident could have been avoided."

I think to be a passive bystander in your own life is neglegent to yourself and those around you. I think some of the traits many INFJs have like avoiding conflict can sometimes errode a sence of self in certain relationships. On the other side of the coin I find people that that are selfless to be admirable. Another feature of the INFJ is a fairly rock solid set of ideals and morals that can be very helpful in staying grounded.

I'm not too sure any of this was coherant, or fit the subject, but that's what happens when I see a lot of words, I skim and pull something out of my as..head...

 

[Eeyore]

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes, taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everday living.
16. Paying the price for building and living within community.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

I fail 5, 6, 8, 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 most of the time... which means I am not yet an adult, only a spoiled child

 

[ZenCat]

This is a very interesting subject (you're excellent at very interesting subjects, Satya).

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.

This really came into play after my parents died, particularly my mother. Up until then, I had always thought of myself within my family as primarily more or less my father's or mother's daughter (my mother was the unofficial matriarch of our extended family/my father's 6 stepchildren were his focus and I was separate from that family). After she died, I came to recognize that I was (and had always thought to be by my family as) separate and distinct from her within the family, and loved for myself.

2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.

3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.

Yes. These became a focal point in my life in my late 20's-early 30's, and I feel they developed very successfully.

4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.

This has never been a problem.

5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.

Neither has this.

6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.

7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.

I continue to struggle with this. I'm not good at asking for help. I'm fairly good at recognizing my needs, but sometimes I think I twist/minimize them.

8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.

9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .

Not previously an issue, but I have over the past few years somehow become absorbed into my immediate family (husband/son) in such a way that I have lost much of the sense of "myself" and who I am aside from being somebody's wife and somebody's mother.

10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.

This is a powerful thought. I think I am acutely aware of the conflict between personal dreams and ambitions and hurting anyone by pursuing them... to the point where I'm not even consciously aware of what my dreams and ambitions actually are at this point in my life.

11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.

Ditto above.

12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.

This has always be very prominent in my decision making processes.

13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.

Again, this is something that has come to bear in recent years. I've become very compartmentalized. I'm a wife. I'm a mother. To the detriment of who I am separate from these roles.

14. Making no heroes, taking no victims.

I do neither. At least I don't recognize that I do. I certainly have no clearcut heroes or victims.

15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everday living.

Gave this up in my mid-twenties and devoted myself to being self-contained. Two years later, true love appeared accidentally in my life, though I never again reverted to expecting salvation from it.

16. Paying the price for building and living within community.

Oh yes. Have done this.

17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.

Not grasping the meaning or applications of this one adequately.

18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

Struggling with this one, though I'm fully conscious of its importance.

 

[KingOfSpades]

I'm curious what's the underlying theory that acts as the basis of these goals. I tend to agree that all these goals are worthwhile, but what are the assumptions we are making that lead to that conclusion?

Seems to me that a big underlying assumption is the importance of personal responsibility...that we are responsible for our own lives, our own dreams, and can't use or rely on others to make ourselves happy. maybe responsibility is the foundation of all self-development?

OF the community but not RULED by the community....

 

[Satya]

I'm curious what's the underlying theory that acts as the basis of these goals. I tend to agree that all these goals are worthwhile, but what are the assumptions we are making that lead to that conclusion?

Seems to me that a big underlying assumption is the importance of personal responsibility...that we are responsible for our own lives, our own dreams, and can't use or rely on others to make ourselves happy. maybe responsibility is the foundation of all self-development?

OF the community but not RULED by the community....

That is an excellent way of looking at it.

I think the assumptions come from Erik Erikson's young adulthood psychosocial crisis, "Intimacy vs. Isolation". Finding the balance of separation between our personal identity and the identities of others. Being prepared for rejection, break ups, deaths of close ones, etc. As a friend of mine once said, "You have to decide for yourself that you are a valuable human being regardless of what anyone else might say or do."

 

[gloomy-optimist]

1. Growing in the ability to see where and how I fit into my family, the position I hold and the power that is and is not given to that position.
2. Growing in the ability to be fully responsible for my own life while being committed to growing closer to those I love.
3. Intentionally developing, at the same time, autonomy and intimacy. In developing autonomy I set myself towards achieving my dreams and ambitions. In developing intimacy, I allow those close to me to see and know me as I really am.
4. Being willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be.
5. Staying in touch with others while, and even though, there is tension and disagreement.
6. Being able to declare clearly what I need and requesting help from others without imposing my needs upon them.
7. Being able to understand what needs I can and cannot meet in my own life and in the lives of others.
8. Understanding that I am called to be distinct (separate) from others, without being distant from others.
9. Understanding that I am responsible to others but not responsible for others .
10. Growing in the ability to live from the sane, thinking and creative person I am, who can perceive possibilities and chase dreams and ambitions without hurting people in the process.
11. Growing in the ability to detect where controlling emotions and highly reactive behavior have directed my life, then, opting for better and more purposeful growth born of creative thinking.
12. Deciding never to use another person for my own ends and to be honest with myself about this when I see myself falling into such patterns.
13. Seeing my life as a whole, a complete unit, and not as compartmentalized, unrelated segments.
14. Making no heroes, taking no victims.
15. Giving up the search for the arrival of a Knight in Shining Armour who will save me from the beautiful struggles and possibilities presented in everday living.
16. Paying the price for building and living within community.
17. Moving beyond “instant” to process when it comes to love, miracles, the future, healing and all the important and beautiful things in life.
18. Enjoying the water (rather than praying for it to be wine), learning to swim (rather than trying to walk on water).

I have some trouble with a few, but only a little; mostly I can relate, except for:
6, 9 -- Sometimes I have difficulty impeding on others, or not feeling as if I own others something
10, 12 -- But I also feel as if I use people sometimes, or leave them behind...
16 -- That's my introversion speaking; I won't like living in an intensely traditional community...I kind of need to be able to do my own thing separate from society sometimes.