Detachment

[Sriracha]

Is emotional detachment in relationships typical of INFJ behavior? Think hard about this. Look back at your past relationships and ask yourself if it is something you had experienced (either the whole time, or it occurred over a period of time.)

If it is something with which you struggle, do you know why (underlying factor, fear, etc?)

 

[Bird]

Korg and I were discussing my bad qualities yesterday and one he pinpointed
on was that I am socially fickle. Another way to phrase this would be "prone
to grow detached and disappear". Becoming emotionally detached and then
detaching myself from a relationship entirely is common for me. There are times
when I do not even become emotionally attached to people.

I think I do this because I want more than they can offer. As soon as I discover
that they lack something that I desire in others, I become steadily more and
more disinterested. I like getting to know people but eventually there is a point
I reach where I've gotten to know that person, I know what they're about, I
know how they think and then I'm done. There is nothing left to be discovered.
I cannot make myself remain interested. I set myself up for a life of loneliness.

 

[Rferraris]

Korg and I were discussing my bad qualities yesterday and one he pinpointed
on was that I am socially fickle. Another way to phrase this would be "prone
to grow detached and disappear". Becoming emotionally detached and then
detaching myself from a relationship entirely is common for me. There are times
when I do not even become emotionally attached to people.

I think I do this because I want more than they can offer. As soon as I discover
that they lack something that I desire in others, I become steadily more and
more disinterested. I like getting to know people but eventually there is a point
I reach where I've gotten to know that person, I know what they're about, I
know how they think and then I'm done. There is nothing left to be discovered.
I cannot make myself remain interested. I set myself up for a life of loneliness.

I do the same. I like people until I find their limits and then I lose interest. Don't know if it's an INFJ thing. Kinda sounds like it might be. Maybe what you said. Expectations are high. Nobody can live up to them and once you see the extent of a person you move on.

 

[Kgal]

Is emotional detachment in relationships typical of INFJ behavior? Think hard about this. Look back at your past relationships and ask yourself if it is something you had experienced (either the whole time, or it occurred over a period of time.)

If it is something with which you struggle, do you know why (underlying factor, fear, etc?)

I have no idea if it's typical for INFJ's.

I have become emotionally detached in both of my marriages. In the first I never became attached to him again and finally left after 10 years.
In the second one I notice I've moved in and out of attachment on a few occasions.

Why did it happen? I experienced intense negative emotional trauma. The last time it happened I became so detached it allowed me to see him in a very new light of awareness. I have not become attached since then.

 

[JGirl]

i am 'emotionally detached' in general, so all of my relationships work best when there is no drama. things can always be dealt with logically and i have no patience for mind games or pity parties or he said she said's.

not to say i'm not close to the person or that i don't love them enough, just that i do not live through my emotions. at all. i feel them, learn from them, then file them.
why am i this way? not fear per se, let's just call it self preservation. the alternative is to constantly be in a whirlpool, feeling victim to everything going on around me.

i'm not afraid to be intimate or close when the situation arises, but i am not emotionally demonstrative and i'm grateful that i have a partner that is content with me as i am. he also spends a great deal of his home time alone regenerating after a draining day, and only requires an 8 pm snack to make his whole world complete.

 

[Rferraris]

I have no idea if it's typical for INFJ's.

I have become emotionally detached in both of my marriages. In the first I never became attached to him again and finally left after 10 years.
In the second one I notice I've moved in and out of attachment on a few occasions.

Why did it happen? I experienced intense negative emotional trauma. The last time it happened I became so detached it allowed me to see him in a very new light of awareness. I have not become attached since then.

I think marriage is the same/different.
I'm not a good friend.
I'll talk to anyone. And I tend to want to fix them, offer advice, talk about problems. But I've learned to shut up cause people all don't want that from me.

I had a lot of friends but lost a bunch in my 20s. A few died and the others moved on. Really just my girl at this point. The way I like it. I meet people but don't want the commitment of having to be a friend. It takes a lot. And everybody in their 30/40 seem to be divorced, getting divorced, have kids and all the drama. Had a friend I tried to get through his divorce with. At the end I started saying things to shock him. He just seemed so vulnerable and easy to kick over. I just don't have that in me.
I'll be there till the end, but you have to put yourself back together. To lie there and just fall apart bring out a really bad part of me. Just don't have what it takes to be that friend. my wife is about the most secure and independent person I've ever met, heard of, or ever read about. Kinda why we are together 22 years and sometimes she seems like I have a lot to get know about her.

But intense emotional trauma like you mention I think would make anyone close down. I think a bad marriage is much more intense than just being a distant person. I think your wounds are deeper. Sounds like anyway.

 

[MindYourHead]

I had a lot of friends but lost a bunch in my 20s. A few died and the others moved on. Really just my girl at this point. The way I like it. I meet people but don't want the commitment of having to be a friend. It takes a lot.

I think in the case of friendships is where I have the most detachment.
Had a lot of close friends when I was younger, but aside from deaths and some moving away, didn't keep others I had close.
Being puzzled as to why, I looked at what role I played in this, and see where I didn't put in the effort to keep them close to me.
When signing up for a Facebook page was all the rage a few years ago, I had several old classmates contact me and want to get together.
I met up with a few of them, that was fun, but some wanted to be buddy buddy again. Calling and emailing invites for me to go here or there. I just found the whole notion of doing so emotionally draining. I felt they were being clingy.
I think they began to feel I was aloof, and eventually their contacting me stopped altogether.
Do I blame them? No. But, on the other hand wish I were a part of the group.
I often wonder why putting the effort into friendships didn't seem like work when I was younger.

 

[toska]

I am always emotionally detached because I do not trust people and I believe that many of them are fake and superficial.

 

[grt$5vb]

Expectations are high. Nobody can live up to them and once you see the extent of a person you move on.

Exactly this. I wish I could be less angered by and more at ease with others flaws. Maybe that will come when I am at ease with my own.

 

[Sriracha]

Exactly this. I wish I could be less angered by and more at ease with others flaws. Maybe that will come when I am at ease with my own.

Could that also be detachment out of fear someone would leave you for your flaws?

I ask that b/c in childhood when I felt emotionally invested in a friendship and felt I could be myself, the other would painfully abandon me. The very last emotionally close friendship I had was several years ago where when our friendship ended, it felt like an emotional breakup with a boyfriend. Now that I approach friendships being emotionally detached, I feel I can be myself and not care if they accept or not. (I do still care a little, but the cut won't run as deep.) So basically I have learned to be successful in the public/social world by becoming detached.

 

[endersgone]

I have a fear about not living up to expectations, so it's easier for me to be detached...

I sometimes feel like I change too much to be a valuable asset to others...I think I'm valuable in some ways, but it's of my own appreciation - or appeciation of those not close to me. Also... friends can grow to annoy the hell out of me, I often feel better off without many of them (sorry if that sounds cold). My lasting friendships seem to involve distance... a lot of it - guess I'm S.O.L. when it comes to forming nearby lasting relationships.

 

[Kgal]

I am always emotionally detached because I do not trust people and I believe that many of them are fake and superficial.

"Fake People"

I think you're right! I never thought about it that way - but their actions do show evidence they cannot possibly be real people.
They're locusts....mindlessly eating their way across the face of the earth destroying whole swaths of it as they go....

 

[Sriracha]

I have a fear about not living up to expectations, so it's easier for me to be detached...

I sometimes feel like I change too much to be a valuable asset to others...I think I'm valuable in some ways, but it's of my own appreciation - or appeciation of those not close to me. Also... friends can grow to annoy the hell out of me, I often feel better off without many of them (sorry if that sounds cold). My lasting friendships seem to involve distance... a lot of it - guess I'm S.O.L. when it comes to forming nearby lasting relationships.

My husband said something very simple and wise yesterday: "Only you can live up to your expectations."

 

[Vict]

It's just easier not to give a shit. Like-minded shallow lives abound.

Every now and then, though, there's someone worth the effort.

 

[grt$5vb]

Could that also be detachment out of fear someone would leave you for your flaws?

YES. Deep-seated fear of abandonment. I'm leaving first, bitches!

 

[Rferraris]

Exactly this. I wish I could be less angered by and more at ease with others flaws. Maybe that will come when I am at ease with my own.

Why do you think it is. Is it us. Is it INFJ. Is it everybody. Known this for a long time. Just wish I could care less what other people are but have no idea how to make them friends. lost cause. I'm going to review your every move and first chance I get to discard you I will.

 

[grt$5vb]

I'm going to review your every move and first chance I get to discard you I will.

Yeah, it's like I file all their words so that later when they contradict themselves and things don't add up I can judge them as liars and drop them because I can never trust them again. I can't relax and feel safe if I have to decode half truths. Anything less than honesty just pisses me off.

 

[Sriracha]

Yeah, it's like I file all their words so that later when they contradict themselves and things don't add up I can judge them as liars and drop them because I can never trust them again. I can't relax and feel safe if I have to decode half truths. Anything less than honesty just pisses me off.

What kind of flaws? Are we talking about personality traits or pooping with the bathroom door open (or both)?

 

[Rferraris]

Yeah, it's like I file all their words so that later when they contradict themselves and things don't add up I can judge them as liars and drop them because I can never trust them again. I can't relax and feel safe if I have to decode half truths. Anything less than honesty just pisses me off.

Wow I like the way you put that

 

[grt$5vb]

What kind of flaws? Are we talking about personality traits or pooping with the bathroom door open (or both)?

Lol, no, though I have a roommate that doesn't turn the fan on or leave the door open to air it out, & it's like a stink bomb when I have to go in there!

Manipulation, lies, selfishness, laziness, corruption... mostly like... if you're up front about your flaws and don't try to present yourself as something you're not then I can make a decision to be around you even though I know your wicked indulgences, but lets say you present yourself to me as a fair honest gentleman then flip the script. For example: I was convinced to go skinny dipping with 2 friends, one a married male friend under the directive that his wife was completely cool with it & would be told. He even acted like he tried to call her beforehand. (I was very intoxicated). No sooner than we run back up to the hotel in our towels he & my other friend say it's a secret & not to breathe a word to anyone, and he says he's not going to tell his wife. I was FURIOUS. He then got pissed because he saw the judgement on my face, yelled at me all the way home the next day & had an intense argument w/ his wife who was apparently NOT cool with it. Go figure.