Desperately needing advice!! | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Desperately needing advice!!

Well you can't break them up so learn to deal with her or break ties. It's as easy as that.

It seems like you are complicating things with this abortion. The abortion doesn't effect you nearly as much as you say it does-- and IF it does, then you have to ACT on it! Since you can't stop her, it isn't your decision, you need to stop yourselves from fretting over this. If you can't come up with any solution to cope with her and or them, you will have to cut them out of your life. There isn't a perfect solution and you need to reason with your husband about it because it is illogical and unconstructive to be worrying and feeling bad about something that is going to happen no matter how much convincing you do. Also, since it hasn't happened yet, I would suggest you wait and SEE what happens. Hang out with them afterwards. Visit, talk, like you did before. You may find that it is livable. Maybe not.

But it seems that you are two steps ahead of yourself.
In the end it really is up to you. Hate the sin not the sinner? But if she rubs you the wrong way your never going to get over it. Remember it's not your job to judge. You can only control yourself. I think your husbands friends fiance is shady. And the fact that she drug you guys into the fight is messed up. I think she is looking for attention. I got an idea. You should put an abortion stops a beating heart sticker on your car. Then see where it goes. Sorry it's my evil vengeful side. If ya do it your my hero lol..
Well, I went to bed with my nerves a mess, then woke up at 2:30 vomiting. I haven't slept well since I found out. My emotions are wreaking havoc... I think after work, I'm going to go get a bottle of wine and drink to this little seed of life that will no longer be here after today, I refuse to let this potential child's life go unnoticed. Yes, I know that probably sounds crazy, but I think it'll help me let go and hopefully light a path to continue the relationships. Sorry if this posts funny, I've never posted from my BB.
Well, I went to bed with my nerves a mess, then woke up at 2:30 vomiting. I haven't slept well since I found out. My emotions are wreaking havoc... I think after work, I'm going to go get a bottle of wine and drink to this little seed of life that will no longer be here after today, I refuse to let this potential child's life go unnoticed. Yes, I know that probably sounds crazy, but I think it'll help me let go and hopefully light a path to continue the relationships. Sorry if this posts funny, I've never posted from my BB.

I'd just like to say, I've been reading this thread and I feel compelled to post. I don't have anything to say that would be of any use but I really admire your feelings for this situation. The seemingly nonchalant reasons for aborting a baby, I will never comprehend, and if it was me I would've gone crazy on her, even if I didn't know her that well, and given her a piece of my mind. But it's easy to say that from where I'm sitting I suppose.
It's not a question so much about the abortion
Are you sure? You've mentioned you're pro-choice, but you also keep mentioning how abhorrent the idea of aborting this baby for the specified reasons seems to you. Are you sure you're not feeling extremely strongly and projecting these feelings onto the woman, thus making her look like the bad guy?

Admittedly you had some help in that department by her getting pissy about you being told, but they obviously feel some level of shame for what happened. Unwanted pregnancies - as I'm sure you probably know from experience - are terribly difficult situations. It's like you "screwed up", of course they want as few people to know, and of course they'll get defensive when more people find out. They're afraid you're judging them.

And do they not have cause to? Isn't that, when it comes down to it, what you're doing?

Sorry if all this sounds harsh, but I think maybe an objective perspective might help you understand where they're coming from and have more sympathy for their actions.

I'd like to say, since I'm seeing it from a few people in here, it's easy to say you're pro-choice, when you think about the really good reasons for aborting a foetus. But that's not really what pro-choice is, is it? Being pro-choice means believing that the gestated egg is not a sentient, human being yet, and that the woman who owns the womb owns the decision to keep it or not, even when the reasons are selfish and nonchalant.

It's her body. Her womb. Her life. Her choice. She needn't be judged for it, but that's what's happening already. Assessments of her character are already being made based on this, why should she not fear it getting out? Why should she not fear more judgement?

You may have your reasons for feeling the way you do, and they're probably not invalid, but from where I'm sitting that goes for both ends of this conundrum.

EDIT: And just for the record I'm not being harsh and cold here, I'm just trying to present all of this as objectively as I can possibly see it. I can't even have kids, ever, period, so it's not like there's not a gut reaction for me of "I can't even have kids and she's throwing the chance away for crap reasons" but how is writing that going to help you?
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If your family friend didn't want it to happen. The only thing you can do is be there for him.

If he wasn't on board with the decision, then likely it is only a matter of time before the fiance is out of your lives permanently. This kind of thing festers.

Maybe a small private memorial service would bring you some closure. If your friend is willing to participate, name the child and if you are religious commend it's spirit to your god until it is ready to be born again.
Actually it's irresponsible to have a kid, if you're able to adopt.
You talk about the baby and the person but there are loads of people who will only call it a fetus until it takes it's first breath. They really don't seem to think it's a viable person until then.
Most of the girls at work talk very casually about abortion and don't hesitate to say they'd have one if the need arised. No amount of preaching would ever change their minds, they are set in stone about it. Besides, they have the morning after pill now so to them it's not a big deal.
It's a crazy world. My girlfriend went through invitro and managed to have two succesfull pregnancies but in some laboratory are several fully viable embryos, frozen and just waiting for a womb.
The lab asked her if she wanted them destroyed but she worried it would be abortion. The lab asked if she wanted to donate them but she freaked at the thought of 'her' children out there somewhere. She was a mess and it haunted her. She refused to talk about it after a while and I don't know what the outcome was but her happiness was quite marred by the thought of those embryos.
The rabbit hole just goes deeper and deeper.
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Again, thanks all for posting.

As I type this my husband is with his friend having a talk, and I'm nervous. My husband has been very open about his emotional state today, which really freaked me out. He's INTJ and normally getting emotion out of him is like pulling teeth. So... I know my husband is pretty overwhelmed right now and I told him that I would support him and his/our friend in anyway I could. And I'll follow his lead, whatever that may be.

And actually, I was driving in the car the other day, and I somehow managed to find a small sliver of compassion for the fiancee... I pictured in my mind being supportive and compassionate for her and a wave of sympathy crashed over me. Then it quickly eluded me and I was mad again. :(

Then I was thinking how I wished the world in general were more compassionate, so maybe this is my opportunity to live the change I hope for instead of adding to the problem. I'm trying to hold on to that thought as I search for that lost sliver... Send happy, hopeful vibes my way and thanks for taking the time to read!
I've been thinking about this for a while, and I haven't been able to come up with any different ideas - not any better ones, and not ones folks have already discussed. I think, in a way, you're personalizing it which can make it really difficult. It's *your* child, and you feel as if it's being done to you. At least, that's the feeling I'm getting, but forgive me if I'm off base in that.

The only thing to do, really, is to let them make the decision for themselves. If they know the pros and cons, and if she knows what she might be in for before and after the event, and they've truly discussed it, then...there's very little else to do.

I'm anti-abortion and pro-choice (but let me explain how that is): I understand that I can't make a decision for someone else. But in my mind, there's really no reason for anyone to get pregnant unless they weren't being cautious. If you don't want a baby, then both of you need to use protection. But if you're foolish enough to get pregnant by "accident" then at the very least carry the baby to term so someone else might have a chance to raise him or her. Don't kill it because you want to cover up your own mistake and pretend it never happened.

That's my opinion, though. And I can't speak for everyone - I would have to say people have to make the choice for themselves.

I guess that's pro-choice, too.
[FONT=&quot]I'm actually against abortion. You said that they are no longer teenagers, so why they can't be responsible? If they don't want to get a baby, they should have used contraceptives or anything. I'll be more conscientious to leave my husband and file for [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]cheap divorce than have my baby aborted.[/FONT]

If she is having an abortion because she is selfish then she is too selfish to be a mother- not everyone should be parents. Many people become parents who shouldn't and ruin their kids lives.
I say mind your own business but if it bothers you that much than leave them alone. You don't need to punch anyone in the face.
If you really want to be friends then express how you feel and then LET IT GO- otherwise, give up.
p.s. There are enough people on earth as it is.
Bah, that's not good.

I remember back in the 8th grade, I wrote a paper on abortion. I argued that the man should be able to co-decide based on the fact that it is unfair for a man to have to pay child support for a child he doesn't want.

It took me years to look at it any other way, heh, I was 19 before my eyes opened...

So the moral of the story is, some people can't even see how wrong it is, and might not even look at it as a serious matter, at least I didn't...