Dating Rejection

[spacermase]

So, I'm a heterosexual male 22 year old INFJ, currently in college. My track record with romance is pretty rocky - I've had two relationships thus far, one of which wasn't so much a relationship as it was a 10 month long make-out session (I was 15 and didn't know any better at the time) and the other was long distance which only lasted four months, but was deeply satisfying. Both were in high school.

Having it college, well, things have been below expectation, to say the least. I've accumulated on the order of two dozen consecutive rejections, and no lasting relationships (which, being an INFJ, is naturally what I'm really after). Granted, more than a few times I at least got a first date out of it, but I was almost invariably turned down for the second. According to my close friends, I'm not doing anything wrong (ie, anything that's obviously socially detrimental), so I'm at a loss for why this has happened.

So, my question is, is this sort of thing typical for INFJ's, perhaps a result of our rarity? Or have I just had fantastically bad luck?

 

[Dutch Cake]

I have a lot of friends who are for the first time away from family and at university. Many of my female friends are not dating because they want to focus on study. It may be one factor. I'm sorry it is awful to be rejected. I don't even ask guys so you are at least out there trying. Maybe give it a while, let it be a bit more spring and warm maybe their hearts may warm up to you too.

 

[Silently Honest]

College is generally a bad time to be looking for a serious relationship, so I don't expect one, however a date shouldn't be that hard to come across right? Right?

Wrong.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

SH is right - if any girl at college was looking for a serious relationship - a lasting relationship (ie. marriage), she probably wouldn't be looking to hook up with a student.

If you want a lasting rel. you'll probably have to wait until you are totally on your feet financially and career-wise.

Good luck anyhow.

 

[anica]

College is generally a bad time to be looking for a serious relationship, so I don't expect one, however a date shouldn't be that hard to come across right? Right?

Wrong.

Aww, SH, I can't imagine anyone not wating to date the winged wonder.

 

[Lurker]

Aww, SH, I can't imagine anyone not wating to date the winged wonder.

Damn skippy, I'd snap him up in a heartbeat. The girls around your part are crazy.

Spacermase I don't know that it's an INFJ thing, I suspect it's not that simple, I'm not INFJ but dating has never been one of my strengths while people I know who are seem to end up in long term relationships.

 

[Dutch Cake]

I don't know what it is but half (maybe stretching it) of my friends and my mom and my aunt and I are all recently single. Its hard and lonely. I am mostly okay with it, I just want cuddles. I hope its the change of season and stress that goes with it. Bad time to ask for a date is finals. Good time right after she passes all of them. Not only will she feel more confident and on top of the world, but a guy asking for a date is bonus. I would feel like I hit the jack pot.

 

[Shai Gar]

SH is right - if any girl at college was looking for a serious relationship - a lasting relationship (ie. marriage), she probably wouldn't be looking to hook up with a student.

Not true. You just have to scour the areas that the type of girl you'd want, would hang out.

I'm into INTP and INTJ girls. I'd be in the libberarries, auditing math classes, and creeping on the loner studious girls.

 

[Zanshin]

I wonder if you are too nice to girls and not building enough attraction? And by too nice I mean doing everything for her and/or not teasing ect. It really depends on what type of girl you are after. INFJs are hard to get to know and are very different from sensors in general, specifically extroverted sensors. So that may play a part too.

 

[Shai Gar]

I doubt SH is one of those sickly sweet can I carry your books morons. He's got too much going on in his life to devote it to someone else.

Maybe there ARE opportunities around you, you're just focusing more on the stuff you want to do, than on people who might want to do you.

 

[Silently Honest]

I can get numbers, and I can start decent conversations, it's just past that point I get trouble.

 

[spacermase]

Bad time to ask for a date is finals. Good time right after she passes all of them. Not only will she feel more confident and on top of the world, but a guy asking for a date is bonus. I would feel like I hit the jack pot.

Duly noted!

I wonder if you are too nice to girls and not building enough attraction? And by too nice I mean doing everything for her and/or not teasing ect. It really depends on what type of girl you are after. INFJs are hard to get to know and are very different from sensors in general, specifically extroverted sensors. So that may play a part too.

That could be part of it- I generally don't tease, at least not in the conventional sense. My attempts at flirting usually involve compliments, smiling a lot, and dry wit frequently based on understatement or irony. I generally try to be a nice guy, but there's also a bit of a balancing act because I know I don't want to be too overwhelming to the girl.

 

[Bored Now]

I doubt SH is one of those sickly sweet can I carry your books morons. He's got too much going on in his life to devote it to someone else.

Maybe there ARE opportunities around you, you're just focusing more on the stuff you want to do, than on people who might want to do you.

There's nothing wrong with politeness! Good manners are nifty, damn it! Granted I wouldn't let my boyfriend hold doors open for me for like the first six months we were together (What? My arms aren't broken) and I straight up laughed at a boy who asked to carry my books in college. But that was *my* bad. Now that I'm a bit more mature, I can appreciate the instinct to be courtly. Nice guys don't ALWAYS finish last.

I think you're probably just a bit mature for most of the girls around you, right now. Maybe you should just relax and have some fun right now, SH.
So what happens that you can't translate decent conversations into dates? What is it you want in a girl anyway? Maybe that's the first step, knowing exactly what you want!

 

[Shai Gar]

Really? They don't?

They did when you were in high school. You laughed at him.

 

[Shai Gar]

I'm not saying be a prick. I'm just saying that sickly sweet devotion is a turnoff, someone mentioned it being a possible cause, and I doubted that SH was one of those people stupid enough to devote himself to someone else when he has his own causes and intentions.

 

[Silently Honest]

That's called a doormat.

 

[Bored Now]

Really? They don't?

They did when you were in high school. You laughed at him.

Yeah but he can do better than me back then. I was a crazy little anarchist with dyed fire engine red hair who wanted to destroy everything and have lots of sex. My idea of a perfect date was debating, going to protest rallies, drinking coffee, making out and talking until the sun came up over takeout Chinese food. Yeah that was fun, but not romance city, but I don

 

[Shai Gar]

Yeah but he can do better than me back then. I was a crazy little anarchist with dyed fire engine red hair who wanted to destroy everything and have lots of sex. My idea of a perfect date was debating, going to protest rallies, drinking coffee, making out and talking until the sun came up over takeout Chinese food.

I would have fucked you so hard. That's the kind of girl I want.

 

[Milon]

That could be part of it- I generally don't tease, at least not in the conventional sense. My attempts at flirting usually involve compliments, smiling a lot, and dry wit frequently based on understatement or irony. I generally try to be a nice guy, but there's also a bit of a balancing act because I know I don't want to be too overwhelming to the girl.

Don't go to gentle either. If you're just a nice guy, you come across as plain. Girls are looking for a man, though sometimes they settle for a nice guy. A "man" is someone who knows who he is, and where he's going in life. The girls I know find that attractive. Also, when was the last time that a nice guy was overwhelming? I would be worried about being underwhelming.

There's nothing wrong with politeness! Good manners are nifty, damn it! Granted I wouldn't let my boyfriend hold doors open for me for like the first six months we were together (What? My arms aren't broken) and I straight up laughed at a boy who asked to carry my books in college...

Heh, be careful about opening doors too! I almost always opened the door for my girlfriend (now ex). Only one time I did it, she was reaching for the door but was slower than I was. That means her head was in the path of the door. The heavy, metal-and-double-pane-glass-door. She got a depressed skull fracture out of the deal. Apparently I nearly killed her. (True story!)

 

[Dutch Cake]

Wow Milon, way to be chivalrous. I honestly don't mind doors being held for me, but I don't want to be told I can't open my own door. It is more about convenience. Something about younger people, and I think Nickey touched on it, is younger people don't know what they want. It is exciting and fun, but if you are more mature then your peers you may have issues. I think university is a time to do school and enjoy yourself. The stress and excitement around you is going to cause tension. Also what kind of girls are you looking for because it has a lot to do with how to meet and talk your actions and eventually date. Do you want something steady, do you just want sex?

Big thing I have found and weird how it works is I announce to everyone I know I plan on being single and mean it. Within a week I have a date or five. Kinda irritating and I wish I knew what I was doing different so I could do it when I was looking, but ja.