Coping with naysayers and close-minded critics.

Soulful

Soulful

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How do you cope with people who are vehemently opposed to a perspective you hold, who insist on vocalizing their opposition as well as their opinion of the position you hold?

I'm curious about this in particular with regard to more personal issues such as religion, parenting, personal development, lifestyles, one's personal life, etc.

I suppose it is a matter of developing a thick skin. So, to this end, I guess I'm not interested in hearing from people who've always had a thick skin. Sorry. It's just that answers like "I'm not bothered by it" or "I don't let it bother me" don't seem at all helpful. I'm interested in discussing the processes that allow us to transcend being bothered by someone else's lack of tact and disregard for possibility. I've found an approach that has been helpful, and I'm interested to hear about how others encounter these types of situations and how you make peace with them. I think this is an important skill to develop, and one that may be particularly essential for those of us who dislike engaging in conflict or dialogue, particularly with persons who are stubborn about their positions.

@Kgal , @Serenity , @Stormy1 , @niffer , @Black Sheep , @Cedar , @CindyLou , @Sriracha , @Dragon , @jimtaylor , @Neverwhere , @JonMac
 
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I just pmed you this lol, but if I let it bother me, that would allow my ego to follow it's agenda for validation, and I don't need that interfering with my light work, especially not now.

Basically, I just respond with love and understanding, and drop the subject if they don't want to hear about it.
 
Serenity said:
I just pmed you this lol, but if I let it bother me, that would allow my ego to follow it's agenda for validation, and I don't need that interfering with my light work, especially not now.

Basically, I just respond with love and understanding, and drop the subject if they don't want to hear about it.
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I know, sorry for basically asking you the same question twice. :P I PM'd you and then immediately after thought to create a thread. And I tagged you because I feel like your insights would be relevant to the topic. :P
 
just because someone is a critic it doesn't mean they are closed minded. The trick in life isn't to be closed minded, nor is it to be so open minded your brain falls out.
 
oceanbreeze said:
How do you cope with people who are vehemently opposed to a perspective you hold, who insist on vocalizing their opposition as well as their opinion of the position you hold?

I'm curious about this in particular with regard to more personal issues such as religion, parenting, personal development, lifestyles, one's personal life, etc.

I suppose it is a matter of developing a thick skin. So, to this end, I guess I'm not interested in hearing from people who've always had a thick skin. Sorry. It's just that answers like "I'm not bothered by it" or "I don't let it bother me" don't seem at all helpful. I'm interested in discussing the processes that allow us to transcend being bothered by someone else's lack of tact and disregard for possibility. I've found an approach that has been helpful, and I'm interested to hear about how others encounter these types of situations and how you make peace with them. I think this is an important skill to develop, and one that may be particularly essential for those of us who dislike engaging in conflict or dialogue with someone who is stubborn about their position.

@Kgal , @Serenity , @Stormy1 , @niffer , @Black Sheep , @Cedar , @CindyLou , @Sriracha , @Dragon , @jimtaylor , @Neverwhere , @JonMac
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It's simple. People fear change. To change is to go against the grain of how things "are" established by some dude long ago. Deviating from the sheep herd mentality will inevitably produce loneliness and lack of support. As the famous Carl Jung hypothesized that you can't be part of a group AND be an individual at the same time. You have to choose one and stick with it. If you choose to stand alone by your own thoughts, judgements, mistakes, etc then you have to forgo a certain level of support and forget trying to convince others to agree or even disagree with you. The only support you will have is yourself and in my opinion thats all you really need. The need to belong is very ancenstral in humans but you will have to forgo certain level of uniqueness, individuality just to conform to the group and give up your right to call your own shots.

In everyday life, people don't like to see others make changes take risks and forge ahead because it reflects their own lack of change and movement. It scares them and they also fear you will succeed. Which in turn causes envy and hatred. Psychologists believe there are only few basic human emotions such as love, hate, fear and joy and all other emotions are just variations of these basic emotions. I find that human behavior can always be traced down to these basic emotions and it always reveals what the person is afraid of or not open to and you can start to understand why they maybe naysayers.

If it bothers you to have nayayers and people who may oppose your views then the bothering is a sign that you wish to conform with like minded people. I think they exist such as the infj forums but it is very hard to find in everyday places like, work, school situations because of all the array of social backgrounds of people you meet and they will always have different views.

The other option is to not just give a fuck what anybody says or thinks about your views and opinions and sometimes this can be very liberating.
 
Wearing a t-shirt that says - "Dont tell me what to do and I wont tell you where to go" really helps :)

That failing I have another that says "Dont piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies"

:D
 
@solongotgon I think you bring up a good point. From my experience of the world, a need to belong, and a need for harmony, is rooted in a fear or desire to avoid the pain of being alone. It can be frightening to be alone, but an ability to tolerate and thrive in some degree of solitude and individuality (to cope with oneself on one's own terms) is essential.

However, I also believe that people are differently wired as far as the needs for acceptance, belonging, and social harmony go. MBTI and the ennegram (Ex. Type 2 vs. type 5. Type 8 vs. type 9) are good examples of this. The Michael Teachings are another one (in my perspective). I had an interesting moment with a friend the other day, who said "We go through life wanting people to like us, to accept us, and it's hard to imagine they may not." I sat there for a moment thinking "No, I don't. I go through life wanting to be true to myself and at liberty to live out those truths." I chalked it up to the differences in our personalities. She's an ENFP, I'm.. whatever mine happens to be. We are both motivated by different needs, and while my inability to tolerate disharmony is in part due to a fear of being alone, I think hers is due to a much stronger need that's not tainted by unresolved fears and immaturities. My ability to tolerate social isolation stems from my drive for self-sufficiency and my desire to be true to myself, whereas I've another friend who would choose to forego (to some extent) social individuation in favour of compromise and harmony or collaboration. My ego crawls at that, tbh -- but in addition to my ego finding it problematic, one of my basic needs as a human being is that of freedom and exploration. Comporomise and collaboration, depending on other people to make my own decisions, stifles that need. Acceptance is not as fundamental of a need of mine. I think there are certain similarities or truths about human nature, such as the idea of basic or primary emotions, but I also don't think we can generalize human nature as easily as it has been by classical psychology.

Okay, so keeping all of this in mind, let's return to the original question. How do you achieve this? What internal processes do you experience or engage in order to be able to "not give a fuck"?:
The other option is to not just give a fuck what anybody says or thinks about your views and opinions and sometimes this can be very liberating.
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I don't know. I am not interested in growing thicker skin. It depends on the situation. Religion? Parenting? It all depends on the topic and the person. I don't base my identity on other people's opinions of me in regards to religion, or personal relationships etc so when they write me off or my ideas, they don't take my identity with them. Healthy self-esteem helps. If someone attacks me personally it doesn't usually work though sometimes it does. Also, I guess I'd like to think I understand the psychological process of the person (a lot of times they don't know what they're talking about lol) who lacks tact, and that it doesn't have anything to do with me so it's easier to 'not give a fuck' when I understand that it's not about me.

Having said THAT...I do not have thick skin and not really interested in growing thick skin. There are times people say things that hurt. Usually that means I care what they think on some level. To "not give a fuck" means I don't give a fuck. I don't really want to not give a fuck about everyone because I enjoy giving a fuck. It feels good to care about people, things, opinions, and ideas. I like to feel good. Sometimes I like to feel bad too. I would much rather feel something than feel nothing at all. Thick skin means nothing can penetrate, not even good things. How can you have thick skin and only keep out bad but let in the good? Seems to me you'd shut most things out. I don't want that.
 
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In order to not give a fuck one should just accept that no matter what you do or how well you are doing it - there will always be people who will try to bring you down for no reason whatsoever but making themselves feel better for what they are. If you know that things you do are good, then no amount of naysayers will affect you. I dont even feel the need to argue with someone who doesnt agree with my way of life, I say - if they feel this need to have a say about my life, then their own must be pretty crap or even non-existent. I feel sorry for them in a way... thats the whole secret.
 
CindyLou said:
I like to argue sometimes.
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Sometimes I do too, but I like a civilized, calm, factual argument, that doesnt involve yelling, name calling, insults and so on - its a rare find :)
 
I think what mystifies me the most is when you are having an intelligent conversation and someone who has no interest in the subject matter feels they have to butt in and tell you HOW not interested they are, or how pointless they think your conversation is. I just don't understand the need for that. But to the actual question, I'm a work in process as far as skin thickness, but what I TRY to do is to feel compassion toward the person who is so sure they are right about everything that they feel some desperate need to let you know how right they are, and how wrong you are. It must be a tough life to be so desperate for validation that one feels the need to impose their beliefs or ideas on others, even when it serves no purpose other than to impart that self-proclaimed "rightness" over someone else's "wrongness."
 
People who are truly vehemently opposed to the things I talk about don't really hang out with me. Also my family doesn't get into my business and I am not involved in anything drama-inducing.

I guess what I am saying is that people don't contradict me and if they do I make them feel stupid.
 
oceanbreeze said:
I'm interested in discussing the processes that allow us to transcend being bothered by someone else's lack of tact and disregard for possibility. I've found an approach that has been helpful, and I'm interested to hear about how others encounter these types of situations and how you make peace with them. I think this is an important skill to develop, and one that may be particularly essential for those of us who dislike engaging in conflict or dialogue, particularly with persons who are stubborn about their positions.
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I would be interested in hearing about the helpful approach you've found. :)

I don't know if I'll be able to provide enough advice that would help someone who does not have a particularly thick skin or is avoidant of conflict, because that's a little difficult for me to relate to. I guess I would avoid getting into situations that would "set off" those people in the first place. Steer away from their danger topics if you can. If that's not possible, then decide if you would like to talk to them or not. If you don't want to engage them, you don't have to. Block out their comments, tell them that you don't wish to discuss the topic with them, and ignore them. If you end up deciding to talk to them for whatever reason, I guess the first and most important thing you will have to do is separate your emotions from the conversation as best you can. If you begin getting worked up, it will only make things worse. I do my best to shut the person down by finding a flaw in their argument as soon as possible, and not making my own stance too obvious at first if I can (i.e. , deliver my points and refute theirs first all before delivering my thesis). Don't act too defensive or whiny, or they will sniff it out and latch onto that and continue terrorizing you.
 
I state my counter-argument, but I hate to repeat myself. Sharing opinions is one thing, but debating over who is right is another. When I feel my blood boiling, I retreat. It isn't worth feeling that way over someone who obviously disrespects me. They don't deserve my time nor energy.

This is a rarity for me irl. I try my best to not associate with assholes.
 
I think that naysayers can be an important part of one's development process. Staying true to yourself despite others trying to sabotage your actions can take some determination. However, it always depends on the person and situation. There's always an oposition, it is almost inevitable. I usually decline and say I'm not interested in their insights if they're aggressive and have nothing to do with my way of living (if it isn't an open discussion). It usually ends up with "we agree to disagree" because both parties are stubborn. There's little sense in starting such discussions.
If a naysayer is a family member or a friend then it becomes harder. I listen and often suck it up but I never forget(!) I'd love to say that they brought up some valid points but it hasn't happened yet. Years after they understand why I acted that way and not the other. I think those nays came from fear and general differences of the character.
Religion, parenting, etc. etc. are very personal things, that's why I know not everyone would agree. I surely don't demand it! I live my life, you live yours. I wish more people got this point. I haven't found any other solution than just saying that "I'm not going to leave everything and change now".

(It feels somewhat triumphant to do what others claimed you couldn't).
 
I like coherent criticisms and good arguments against my position because they make me think about my position in more depth. Occasionally I will change my position, if there seems to be good reason to do so.

Most people, however, seem to prefer mud-slinging, blurting out stereotypes, name-calling and applying straw-man arguments. In these situations I mostly try to coax out a coherent, reasonable criticism/argument: something I can actually process. It actually gives me some satisfaction when a critic/opponent/enemy/etc. can formulate a very solid criticism.

So basically, I don't wear others' attacks, but I will engage with others' arguments.
 
Some people become hard and uncaring but I do not think this is the way to go - you may protect yourself but you also shut out good things too. As you get older, it is easy to become cynical and jaded because of people's selfishness but, I think, when you harden your heart, you really only hurt yourself.

I would say this: welcome disagreement because it may help you to sharpen your thinking on a subject. If, however, you realize the other person has no desire to dialogue but only to debate or push their thoughts only, then just walk away - why wast your precious energy and time?

Seek friends that care for you enough to challenge you so that you do not hurt yourself or make a bad decision but are also friends enough to know what is important and what is not.

If you think about it, only about 10% of what we think/believe or have is really worth dying for or standing your ground for....the other 90% is just not that big of a deal. Most people who like to debate are either very closed minded or bored and are looking for some mental stimulation or to prove their point. If someone VEHEMENTLY opposes you, I would not think they are a close friend anyway so why waste your time?
 
The trick is to not look at the person and how they are different and such; its to look at the relationship you have with that person. if they don't support, uplift or provide some kind of value to the relationship then in my opinion it's not worth caring what they feel about me. Relationships are a two way street and bottom line is there has to be a mutual reception of some sort to keep it going. Thats why at times you may bond with people who are completely different than you because they bring something to the table and it works with or vice versa. Going on an analysis about the person can help in understanding them but reality will always show if there is anything worthwhile in your connections with them. if there is none; why give a fuck?
 
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