Changes to what makes someone a great catch | Page 3 | INFJ Forum

Featured Changes to what makes someone a great catch

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Gaze, Jul 22, 2020.

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  1. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    I think he's a horcrux of Zeus's soul.
     
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  2. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    Sounds legit
     
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  3. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    Think I gave too much? Ryan Gosling was hotter than her in La La Land - and I am not even gay :D But I would pick her over say, Monica Bellucci, who is a straight 10.

    There is a group of people (mostly women) who build an unrealistic list of requirements and then use it to justify why they are alone. "Soulmate" or "deep emotional connection" often belongs to that list. "Emotionally half-baked companionships" do not sound attractive but they have their use - one can learn and progress towards better. In my opinion it's better to spend some time in an actual relationship and move away being wiser than spending all that time alone. BUT don't take it as absolute - it's far better being alone than in an abusive situation.
     
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  4. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    OMG. Who are you? My mama? How do you know me so well?

    But there's a body count, so that's tricky. Basically if one started having relationships when they're 16, then, at 40yrs old, a 5-person body count means around 4 exes each within an average 5 year spectrum per relationship. Hmmm.

    That's assuming the heart has enough resilience to do so, which it would if the "love" was half assed. It's not bad, but it is hard. I'd like to preserve love though, if I can. Idealist. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
     
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  5. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    Realistically speaking 2-3 relationships, each lasting for a few years and with some reflection time in between, is enough to get you oriented on what you really want. Go more than 5 and you're trapped.

    And you can't preserve love - you either let it flow or let it rot.
     
  6. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    Man, you're winning this.

    I'd like to preserve my heart then.
     
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  7. Tamagochi

    Tamagochi Sushi Destroyer
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    I get it and I'm idealist at heart too. And I don't say it lightly: all it took for me to realize this, was loosing the love of my life and years of therapy to recover from it. I just knew right there and then that I will never love anyone as strongly ever again.

    Where does one go from such a situation? That's when I have started to look for "workable" solutions. And it's been the right call so far: even if I do not feel the same depth of emotional connection, at least it's something real and reciprocated.
     
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  8. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    This is the saddest thing I read today.

    I lost the love of my life too, ten years now if I have to count although it was more circumstantial rather than betrayal. I never really loved again until the seventh year after it and it wasn't reciprocated in a similar sense and I was not as reckless as I had been the first time, but my sincerity and genuine love and care for that person wasn't any less. It took me time too because I promised to myself that if I should ever find my self in that sort of situation, I would be sincere and loving no less. To me, this was a moving on that would be worthy of the one I'd spend the rest of my life with.

    Anyway, I still hope you find more than just a companion for life but someone you would genuinely and fully-lovingly treasure for the rest of it. Not that i'm saying you aren't genuine, just that you know that kind of love for the rest of your life. I wish the same for my self too but if it shouldn't happen, I'll be alone. If it shouldn't happen for you, you'll be with a companion at least. Not that I diminish that in any way but it's something I wouldn't do for my self. Daz iz ol.
     
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  9. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Community Member

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    @mintoots & @Tamagochi - my heart is like :m204: sending you both hugs :hug:

    I hope you both find what you're looking for <3


    So I read somewhere up above about people having a checklist of some sort and I genuinely believe this is down to media and what's thrown in our faces all the time. They tend to be due to the following categories:
    1. Social media - instagram, snapchat etc
    2. Fashion Industry
    3. Beauty industry
    4. Film and Music industry
    5. Pornography

    All of the above play on a persons insecurities and so people expect that a partner should be something in what they see from the above categories. They're practically all around us, advertised left, right and centre- there's no escaping from any of it.

    For example, you get snapchat filters that give you flawless skin and in turn makes you feel even more insecure inside but someone will still use it because then think it'll make them feel better- it's so bad that people use this flawless skin filter to take a pic to put on their actual work I.D or Uni/School/College I.D, which no one will ever bother to look at. Fashion industry and beauty industry obviously aim at a person's insecurity - that's what they make money out of. Even though some of them are now advertising models of different shapes, sizes and genders, they're still using people that has to fit their criteria of modelling, their skin is still flawless and they're still attractive and their bodies are airbrushed etc. These companies have barely scratched the surface in terms of advertising average looking people and I highly doubt they'll even bother. The same goes for the other three categories. And when they're feeding off people's insecurities and if you add how some cultures have superficial standards, there's going to be an expectation from the general public of what they want in a spouse and it'll be superficial, all because of they see on social media, on TV, on billboards etc. Unfortunately people fall for the 'couple goals' or 'home goals' etc and not think what the person posting their life has really been like because they don't want to show that side in case they lose followers or viewers etc.

    It's no wonder that mental health and suicide is on the rise and I highly doubt it'll stop or decrease. I think a lot of people in society now feeds off what they see rather than what they learn if that makes sense.
     
  10. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    This is why Zuckerberg is making tons of money --- he knows exactly how to feed off the insecurities of people. The psychological pull behind his apps are just woah. Though he doesn't own TikTok.
     
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  11. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Community Member

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    He may be trying to buy TikTok or getting into working with them for all we know!
     
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  12. Wyote

    Wyote Xenoi
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    It's ok to have a checklist. There are some things that you personally do need and you can't just imagine those away.
    But these are very basic things. When you start constructing some imaginary person with specific traits then you are crossing into weird territory.
    And if you are closing yourself off when you create a list then you are doing things wrong.
    Sometimes you can meet people that fill parts of your heart in unexpected ways and to close yourself off from that possibility is selling yourself short.

    People die all the time and to expect yourself to find a partner and for the both of you to just live together until old age is not the norm, it's an ideal.
    So it's actually kind of insane to go into any relationship with that sort of expectation, but when you are young it's easier to think in those terms,
    because you simply don't have a lot of context for how life really works yet. It hasn't been solidified in tangible ways in your brain yet.
    Growing old together with a partner is an anomaly, not a normality. When you see it somewhere, it ought to be celebrated imo.

    It's ok to love multiple people with your whole heart. Each love is different and special in its own way.

    My thoughts on this have transformed over the years, I was very much into the soulmate line of thought when I was younger.
    And maybe that's true, but maybe your soulmate is only meant to be in your life briefly for a specific purpose.
    But that shouldn't prevent you from opening yourself up fully to love again.
     
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  13. acd

    acd jezi baba

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  14. Tamagochi

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    I am sorry for both of your losses too. Love just seems so unfair at times.

    One of my secret fears now is that someday that great love will somehow return and will just shatter everything I've built to pieces. Part of me would be cheering it. And divorces are much messier than breakups. So I am not that sure of anything really.

    But I do know that once you stop expecting romantic love, relationships become a lot easier. Me and my wife got together 8 years ago and had just lukewarm feelings in the beginning. But we stuck together, kept building and it just got better and better each passing year. It would not have been possible if I had been stuck to previous ideals of love.
     
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  15. QuirkyLemonFlower

    QuirkyLemonFlower Community Member

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    You've hit the nail on the head!

    What I meant was for those who end up making a superficial checklist all because of what they see online or on TV - there are so many people who have this superficial and unrealistic checklist and won't even budge or accept they're not going to get far with their expectations. It's actually really sad to see and it's becoming more and more common.
     
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  16. QuirkyLemonFlower

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    This is so right. This is like my husband and I - we weren't even attracted to one another in the beginning but we gave it a shot, we got to know each other and then after a year or so of getting to know one another, we got married because we share the same values and we shared our expectations of each other. We built our foundation properly together and now we're inseparable even when we drive each other crazy!

    The one thing I would tell anyone who is looking for a long term partner is set your expectations from the beginning so that way you know what to expect in the relationship and also you don't get hurt afterwards. It doesn't matter whether the other person will mock you or laugh at you, that shows they don't really care and you'll find someone who will not laugh at you or mock you and you know that's the person worth giving a shot.
     
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  17. Themis

    Themis Community Member

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    Im with you and very much indeed, some standards is normal to have, but i tend to do the opposite, as i was younger i didn't cared much but i needed also the experience like all of as, bur now i have expectations and that makes the whole dating game very hard.
    Its a horror for me to talk to a woman
     
  18. Asa

    Asa Resident palindrome

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    Ultimately, I need a partner who gets me. In MBTI terms, it would mean we have to share dominant Ni. If MBTI doesn't exist, there is another reason my SO and I share such a rare, deep, mental understanding and connection.
    I could say I'd be interested in all kinds of other traits, but that is what is comes down to.

    There are certain deal breakers with behavior, beliefs, maturity, and ethics. I won't go over this. To answer @Gaze's question, I do think 2020 has changed my standards for this because 2020 has asked us all to do some soul searching and stand up for what we believe in.

    The other day my SO was watching me game while a person on the opposing team taunted me. I jokingly said that if I were dating I'd ask men for footage of them gaming to see how they behave with others when they are anonymous. Lack of good sportsmanship and lack of respect for others are big turn-offs. Who are you when nobody knows it is you?
     
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  19. Wyote

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  20. mintoots

    mintoots Also: Tooth, 뚵수, Tootsu

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    I do think that all love stories are unique. I am not imagining that love should be all about being swept from under your feet at the first take, not at all. While I don't think love can be conjured in an instant, it can still be nurtured but at the very least, in the beginning, it should be filled with respect and good intention. I think this is why @Tamagochi's and @QuirkyLemonFlower's relationships are working because that has been seeded since the beginning. I don't think your love for your spouses are lukewarm at all but I do think that you built on it and worked on it. I think before we can even complete this conversation, we have to set the definitions of soulmates and what nots too. My first love wasn't my soulmate, far from it, but I still call it love because of the profound care and dedication I felt for that person.

    @Tamagochi there's no reason for your wife of 8 years now to not be your great love. I think people have a tendency to stick with a definition of love and not recognize its equivalent form right when it's been with them the whole time. There are many different forms of love, and honestly lukewarm is not necessarily insincere or half-assed. It could be understated. I do think that when we commit with people even if it was lukewarm in the beginning, our hearts hash open and love grows from there.

    Yes. No two loves are the same. I recognize this too but one is never lesser than the other. I think what really matters is the sincerity behind it.

    In my case, it's a list of everything and also it's a list of nothing. LOL. It's really just blah. I mean we know what's good for us so we keep tabs of those. We have deal breakers so we take note of those as well. But then affection begins to tug at our heartstrings so we work around those things as well. Ultimately, nobody will ever be perfect but they will be when our commitment and sincerity is decided. It's the matter of getting to the point of making that decision that doesn't always come by. People tend to try with every chance, I doubt at every chance and scrutinize it from all angles. The moment of committing is monumental to me because that means my decision is final so I like to take my time but nowadays, if you do that you either get stuck in the friend zone or be the friend zoner. Or be ghosted. I think everybody is different when it comes to these things too though.
     
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