Changes to what makes someone a great catch | Page 2 | INFJ Forum

Changes to what makes someone a great catch

mintoots said:
I wonder what that says about the political landscape today. I'm thinking people are probably more concerned about their role in society or society is simply more dystopic now that everyone is growing more sensitive. I do agree that it matters somewhat. At the very least, the other should be able to explain his views and principles that boil down to his political views. We can choose to not talk about politics but ultimately, a vast difference in values can be serious deal breakers.
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I agree, if the basic values/principles are different then that is a deal breaker, but what I mean is politics are always changing, evolving, politicians change, laws change etc. And people are falling out currently over something they can easily resolve by let's say just agreeing to disagree, you don't don't need to go to the length of breaking up or not being interested anymore in the person you're dating because it's not worth it in the long run. Is you're relationship really worth sacrificing over what is going on the political world?!
I'll use Brexit as an example, at the time I had friends who wanted to remain and friends who are happy we're leaving the EU but it doesn't warrant me to end my relationships with my friends because what we think about the current political climate right now will not apply next year.

Obviously, people break up over really silly things and a lot of relationships aren't valued a much as they should be nowadays, the above is just one aspect.

I'd also like to add that I don't think relationships are valued as they use to be or people aren't valued as they use to be. I know people who will decide if they'e interested on someone based on a picture. I mean the number of people I know who see a picture and just say no outrightly without even giving the other person a chance is beyond me. I don't know how someone judges someone based on a photo and it's gotten worse over the past 10 years or so. All because they want that trophy instragammable partner. This really infuriates me to be frank.
 
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QuirkyLemonFlower said:
I agree, if the basic values/principles are different then that is a deal breaker, but what I mean is politics are always changing, evolving, politicians change, laws change etc. And people are falling out currently over something they can easily resolve by let's say just agreeing to disagree, you don't don't need to go to the length of breaking up or not being interested anymore in the person you're dating because it's not worth it in the long run. Is you're relationship really worth sacrificing over what is going on the political world?!
I'll use Brexit as an example, at the time I had friends who wanted to remain and friends who are happy we're leaving the EU but it doesn't warrant me to end my relationships with my friends because what we think about the current political climate right now will not apply next year.

Obviously, people break up over really silly things and a lot of relationships aren't valued a much as they should be nowadays, the above is just one aspect.

I'd also like to add that I don't think relationships are valued as they use to be or people aren't valued as they use to be. I know people who will decide if they'e interested on someone based on a picture. I mean the number of people I know who see a picture and just say no outrightly without even giving the other person a chance is beyond me. I don't know how someone judges someone based on a photo and it's gotten worse over the past 10 years or so. All because they want that trophy instragammable partner. This really infuriates me to be frank.
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You are right,
All you want to say is that our relationships
represent the quality of our life
 
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QuirkyLemonFlower said:
I agree, if the basic values/principles are different then that is a deal breaker, but what I mean is politics are always changing, evolving, politicians change, laws change etc. And people are falling out currently over something they can easily resolve by let's say just agreeing to disagree, you don't don't need to go to the length of breaking up or not being interested anymore in the person you're dating because it's not worth it in the long run. Is you're relationship really worth sacrificing over what is going on the political world?!
I'll use Brexit as an example, at the time I had friends who wanted to remain and friends who are happy we're leaving the EU but it doesn't warrant me to end my relationships with my friends because what we think about the current political climate right now will not apply next year.

Obviously, people break up over really silly things and a lot of relationships aren't valued a much as they should be nowadays, the above is just one aspect.

I'd also like to add that I don't think relationships are valued as they use to be or people aren't valued as they use to be. I know people who will decide if they'e interested on someone based on a picture. I mean the number of people I know who see a picture and just say no outrightly without even giving the other person a chance is beyond me. I don't know how someone judges someone based on a photo and it's gotten worse over the past 10 years or so. All because they want that trophy instragammable partner. This really infuriates me to be frank.
Click to expand...
Oh man. Break up? That's a bit complicated. If a partner wanted to break up only over politics then I may have chosen wrong and in that case, it would be good to let go. Usually though, I think people actually break up for more complex reasons--- at least that's assuming the relationship isn't superficial.
 
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My preferences and requirements haven't changed much. To make sure, I dug up this post I wrote a decade ago: https://www.infjs.com/threads/perfect-partner.7561/#post-218305
While re-reading this, I'm struck by how improbably precisely my wife checks almost all the boxes. I got lucky.

One thing I would be less willing to compromise on now than 10 years ago is a lack of interest in politics; I would find it harder now to cope with a partner saying that they didn't follow politics or were apathetic about it. Back when we got together, my wife was less politically aware, but was working to learn more about current events and how it all worked, and during the Trump years she has become wonderfully radicalized. In fact now she seems to care more than I do. On many topics I had reached a kind of grudging tolerance where I'd say "yep, that's seriously fucked up" and then move on with day-to-day toils. But now we have a renaissance of anger with a lot of the population taking notice and pressure for change gaining momentum, which is great.
 
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Age plays a significant portion of what people are looking for in a partner. More so than any political or cultural events imo.

From a male in late thirties perspective, a good catch is someone moderately attractive (8 out of 10), of fertile age (less than 35), no children and with low body count (no more than 5). This last part became more of an issue lately with cultural changes pushing women to be more sexually promiscuous. For psychological properties: she should have secure attachment (not clingy nor avoidant), have her own hobbies and goals, respect men. Feminists and activists are automatic red flags because of that last bit. The rest are personal preferences.
 
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Tamagochi said:
Not sure if that was sarcasm or a true opinion :) Intersectionalist would be an instant deal breaker for me. But I imagine there is some minority who may find it attractive. Just don't see it working long-term.
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True opinion. If someone called themselves simply "feminist" I would wonder what that meant; it could, for example, be overly gender-centric or female-centric or even involve man-hating. But if someone called themselves an "intersectional feminist" that would tell me they had already given thought to how "feminist" could come across as too narrow.
 
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mintoots said:
Oh man. Break up? That's a bit complicated. If a partner wanted to break up only over politics then I may have chosen wrong and in that case, it would be good to let go. Usually though, I think people actually break up for more complex reasons--- at least that's assuming the relationship isn't superficial.
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You are right, it's possible the politics was an excuse to end a relationship and maybe they were too cowardly to break up with the person for whatever other reason. Who knows - I'm just going with what I heard. Brexit brought out a lot of discrimination especially racism in people and that obviously ended relationships. And the way governments are becoming a lot of people are getting more and more brave with what they really think or believe in because they now can get away with it.
 
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The idealist in me believes that all of this checklisting is antithetical to true love.

I'm disgusted by the idea that a person can be a stepping stone to figuring out what you 'actually want'; to refining your checklist.

I'm disgusted by people who look back upon their relationships and think 'well so-and-so had this, but not that, while so-and-so-two had that, but not this'.

If you're looking for some particular set of attributes, you should probably rethink your approach to love because it's an obscene defilement of everything we should try to be to one another.
 
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Tamagochi said:
Age plays a significant portion of what people are looking for in a partner. More so than any political or cultural events imo.

From a male in late thirties perspective, a good catch is someone moderately attractive (8 out of 10), of fertile age (less than 35), no children and with low body count (no more than 5). This last part became more of an issue lately with cultural changes pushing women to be more sexually promiscuous. For psychological properties: she should have secure attachment (not clingy nor avoidant), have her own hobbies and goals, respect men. Feminists and activists are automatic red flags because of that last bit. The rest are personal preferences.
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What does 8 out of 10 look like? Provide visual benchmarks, please.
 
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Deleted member 16771 said:
The idealist in me believes that all of this checklisting is antithetical to true love.

I'm disgusted by the idea that a person can be a stepping stone to figuring out what you 'actually want'; to refining your checklist.

I'm disgusted by people who look back upon their relationships and think 'well so-and-so had this, but not that, while so-and-so-two had that, but not this'.

If you're looking for some particular set of attributes, you should probably rethink your approach to love.
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I liked this post over the first line. This whole qualification criteria is making love sound like a beauty pageant. It's hurting the romantic in me.
 
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mintoots said:
What does 8 out of 10 look like? Provide visual benchmarks, please.
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Gee, it's entirely subjective. Someone like Emma Stone or Saoirse Ronan comes to mind. In simpler terms, the classification is ugly, plain, good and jaw dropping. Aim for the good. Exceptional beauty requires high maintenance and usually comes with a baggage of psychological issues - not worth it for most men.

mintoots said:
I liked this post over the first line. This whole qualification criteria is making love sound like a beauty pageant. It's hurting the romantic in me.
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The person making such lists is someone who has been burned at romantic love one too many times.
 
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Tamagochi said:
The person making such lists is someone who has been burned at romantic love one too many times.
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No
The person who is burned becomes humble.
This lists are for people who don't know what they want!
I can understand them, our parents had 10 choices, with the internet and dating apps we have 10.000
Its not easy, the dating market became a grocery store, we look at a 50 feet long wall full of cereals and we look for the most tasty, and unhealthy one to the best price lol

Back in the days people were building Houses buying a car and getting married.
We rent a house,we lease a car and we make relationships and all come with a lot of warranties, contracts, signs and the like, because we never forget how insecure our ass is, to be ready to jump from the window...just in case lol

What a catch :laughing::tearsofjoy:
 
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Tamagochi said:
The person making such lists is someone who has been burned at romantic love one too many times.
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Nah. I think that's someone trying to make face. Someone setting up an image of success. It's fine actually, no judging. I just would rather be alone than be in an emotionally half-baked companionship. I at least want to be with my best friend. But that's just my personal opinion.

Also, Emma Stone is an 8? Oh boy.
 
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Politics has gotten so warped that over the past ten years, slowly but surely we have started to equate someone’s character reflecting their politics. And vice versa. Instead of a collection of opinions that you might believe are the best course for the country. It’s gotten really personal and absolutely no reflection in reality. In America there is a gripping grand delusion that everyone with an opposing opinion wants the other side to suffer horribly. The hate is not real but that delusion sure is.
 
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