Changes to what makes someone a great catch | Page 4 | INFJ Forum

Changes to what makes someone a great catch

Wyote said:
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Is there a bed-potato? Because I'm that.
 
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Wyote said:
It's ok to have a checklist. There are some things that you personally do need and you can't just imagine those away.
But these are very basic things. When you start constructing some imaginary person with specific traits then you are crossing into weird territory.
And if you are closing yourself off when you create a list then you are doing things wrong.
Sometimes you can meet people that fill parts of your heart in unexpected ways and to close yourself off from that possibility is selling yourself short.

People die all the time and to expect yourself to find a partner and for the both of you to just live together until old age is not the norm, it's an ideal.
So it's actually kind of insane to go into any relationship with that sort of expectation, but when you are young it's easier to think in those terms,
because you simply don't have a lot of context for how life really works yet. It hasn't been solidified in tangible ways in your brain yet.
Growing old together with a partner is an anomaly, not a normality. When you see it somewhere, it ought to be celebrated imo.
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I'm amazed people plan this much, especially when they're young. My thought process for relationships when I was a teenager was (and really it still is) "they'll last however long they last, as long as they don't end because of rejection I'm okay with it."

Well, it was usually my thought process. I've wanted more time before. Though the more I hear about long term relationships and the people inside them, the more they sound kind of awful and make me want to never do that.

It's ok to love multiple people with your whole heart. Each love is different and special in its own way.

My thoughts on this have transformed over the years, I was very much into the soulmate line of thought when I was younger.
And maybe that's true, but maybe your soulmate is only meant to be in your life briefly for a specific purpose.
But that shouldn't prevent you from opening yourself up fully to love again.
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All true here.
 
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mintoots said:
I do think that all love stories are unique. I am not imagining that love should be all about being swept from under your feet at the first take, not at all. While I don't think love can be conjured in an instant, it can still be nurtured but at the very least, in the beginning, it should be filled with respect and good intention. I think this is why @Tamagochi's and @QuirkyLemonFlower's relationships are working because that has been seeded since the beginning. I don't think your love for your spouses are lukewarm at all but I do think that you built on it and worked on it. I think before we can even complete this conversation, we have to set the definitions of soulmates and what nots too. My first love wasn't my soulmate, far from it, but I still call it love because of the profound care and dedication I felt for that person.

@Tamagochi there's no reason for your wife of 8 years now to not be your great love. I think people have a tendency to stick with a definition of love and not recognize its equivalent form right when it's been with them the whole time. There are many different forms of love, and honestly lukewarm is not necessarily insincere or half-assed. It could be understated. I do think that when we commit with people even if it was lukewarm in the beginning, our hearts hash open and love grows from there.


Yes. No two loves are the same. I recognize this too but one is never lesser than the other. I think what really matters is the sincerity behind it.


In my case, it's a list of everything and also it's a list of nothing. LOL. It's really just blah. I mean we know what's good for us so we keep tabs of those. We have deal breakers so we take note of those as well. But then affection begins to tug at our heartstrings so we work around those things as well. Ultimately, nobody will ever be perfect but they will be when our commitment and sincerity is decided. It's the matter of getting to the point of making that decision that doesn't always come by. People tend to try with every chance, I doubt at every chance and scrutinize it from all angles. The moment of committing is monumental to me because that means my decision is final so I like to take my time but nowadays, if you do that you either get stuck in the friend zone or be the friend zoner. Or be ghosted. I think everybody is different when it comes to these things too though.
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What you've said is so on point.

Yes, everyone is different in terms of what they want or looking for in a person. I've been through the whole dating scene and the friend zoned/ghosting etc, it took me ages to really trust someone and I did learn the hard way with what I should expect and what I wanted but that's my fate and there's no point in me thinking of the what if's. However, I'd tell anyone else who is looking to maintain your self-respect and know your self-worth, I can't stress enough how important that is. And also ensure you lay your cards on the table right away, that saves so much heart ache.
 
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hithere said:
That's a shame.
What makes them seem awful to you?
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While I'm sure there are some people whose interest never wanes, the whole idea that the period of your relationship where you genuinely feel good in each other's company, want to have sex, and aren't building resentment towards each other is a "honeymoon phase" that eventually gives way to lots of mini-power struggles sucks.
 
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I don't think the relationships that last do so because somehow, naturally, the interest never waned.
I think the honeymoon phase is necessary because getting to know and adapt to a new person can be challenging, so the excitement and the novelty kind of makes up for that.
But having been in a relationship for nearly a decade, I think it only gets better with time.
Of course there are ups and downs (severe downs sometimes), but I think that commitment, mutual respect, shared values, and maybe most importantly the willingness to be vulnerable make a solid foundation for overall continued growth.
Relationships take work. This is counter-intuitive, but I think it's true: An effortless relationship might be enjoyable, but it's hard to feel attached to a person/ relationship you make no effort for. On the other hand, after the "honeymoon phase" when you make the effort to understand each other, work things out and really put the work in to making your partner feel loved, that's when you really get attached to the person and the relationship.

Please don't lose hope yet :)!
 
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In the Wings said:
that eventually gives way to lots of mini-power struggles
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I also think power struggles happen when each person is fighting to be heard and seen. If each partner is emotionally mature and vulnerable enough to acknowledge that that's what they really want and they each have the ability to give that to each other, the power struggles somehow disappear. And when they creep back again, you know: I need to take a step back and see what I really need here/ or to just witness and hold space for my partner without taking things personally.
(Not saying it's easy or that I am personally capable of always doing that...)
 
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