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Can't make sense of this.

Discussion in 'Relationships and Sociology' started by Exodus, Aug 17, 2009.

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  1. Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    This recent breakup is actually what made me realize i'm a INFJ and not a INTJ. However, I cannot make any sense of this situation. Would you be so kind as to tell me what you think?

    I'll try to keep this abridged.

    Met her online, we talked everynight for 4 nights straight, 2-3 hour conversations. We had so much in common regarding what we wanted in life, we both had INFJ/INTJ traits. (The irony is I thought I was a INTJ and her a INFJ, it was the other way around.)

    She has a son who is 2 1/2, normally I would not date someone with a kid, but I was willing to make the effort because she seemed like someone who I would really click with.

    First couple dates are amazing, she ends up asking me to stay the night after the 4th date (Not necessarily sexual). This is where the first red flag came up, she wanted me to stay every night, and to see her every day after work. At first it was nice to have someone to come home to, right when I got to the point of telling her I wanted to stay at my place some nights, she told me about problem set #1.

    Her ex husband cheated on her right after they had their son. Every man she had ever known had abandoned her and hurt her. So I felt like I needed to show her I was not going to just run off. So I stayed every night, but still brought up the fact we would need some space.

    Issue #2, my ex wife and I are good friends, no romantic attraction at all. She found this to be extremely threatening and often tried to manipulate me into thinking my ex wanted me back, which did not work. She also was very threatened by ex girlfriends in general, girls on facebook I dated like 6 years ago! So I tried to tell myself, she was this way because the ex cheated, so I would just let it go and hope she eventually dropped it.

    I spent a lot of time with her and her son, we grew very close. We would do things like go to the zoo, take her son to the park ect. Every night we would read him stories and put him to bed together. The whole thing was really growing on me (after the initial awkwardness, I have no children.)
    She said she has never seen anyone care so much for her son (besides her), and seemed to like it.

    I noticed from time to time she would retreat inward and block me out for a couple days at a time. She would not talk to me very much and I could tell something was wrong. I had to basically drag her out of her little shell to get her to talk, and I would find out she didn't really know what was making her upset, but said she often has that kind of behavior. She claims she was emotionally scared because she felt things for me that she had never felt for anyone else.

    Early the next month she said she loved me, and that she has never been in love before, she really started to open up and I could tell she was making progress getting past her issues. I felt it was a good time to start creating some space, because although at this point we lived together (basically) for a month and a half, people need space to be themselves. I was starting to feel so drained from constantly helping her out, and her son. I never really felt like my best interests were at heart.

    The night I explained to her that we just needed to see our friends and I wanted to go stay at my house, she thought I was trying to break up with her, she freaked out, almost cried. That weekend she was supposed to visit her mom, so I didn't see her for 2 nights in a row. That sunday she started to really freak out, she sent me like 10 text messages saying how much she loved me and needed me, and that the time apart made her realize how much she wanted to be with me. I was like.. where did this come from. So I called her to reassure her that everything was ok on my end.

    I came home Sunday and figured we would have a great romantic evening, but instead she was more distant than I have ever seen her, without going into detail I had to abort sex halfway through because I could tell she was on some other planet in her head.

    That week she made plans to spend time with her friends and coworkers every night, would not call me, and responded to my texts with short answers. It was obvious something was wrong, I kept asking but she assured me everything was ok. She told me she loved me and wanted me to spend the night mid week. The next morning I walked her to her car before work, she said I love you, kissed me goodbye and went to work.

    She didn't talk to me all day. Two days passed and on friday of the same week, she emailed me and said she wanted to talk. I ended up calling her that night (she made various excuses to not talk to me or meet.) and she said she never loved me in the first place and she wanted to break up. She claimed it was the "idea" of me that she fell in love with, and that she is completely fine on her own. I tried to find out the reason for her change in attitude, and even brought up that I knew something was wrong, and why she didn't tell me sooner. She said she was hoping that "love" feeling would come back, but it never did.

    She also became very angry, she started to come up with crazy things that were not true, or just illogical. She said I never helped around the house, and she felt like I was being a freeloader. She said I never offered to help with bills ect. (I cleaned daily, did dished, vacuumed, cleaned up her kids toys. Also offered to help with rent on 5 occasions, and actually cut a check to her landlord for utilities.)

    She could not come up with any reasons other than she didn't love me, to break up with me. I was very polite on the phone, we met two days later to get my things. She came to my work and threatened to just leave them at my car unless I left work early to meet her. I tried to talk with her to see what the real reason was, but she was emotionless, said she didn't care about us, gave me my things and left.

    So here is my problem, why can't I get her out of my head? There was no future for us, it was obvious throughout the relationship that she had major issues that needed to either be fixed or it would end up causing problems one way or the other. The way she treated me and my feelings towards the end was rutheless and probably the most uncaring thing anyone has done to me.

    She also accused me of being "obsessive" with her son because I bought him puzzles and tried to spend time with him. That really pissed me off. I was trying to care for her kid, which she told me she wanted a man that would do exactly what I did!

    I think it is possible this bothers me so much because it simply does not make sense, and I feel like I failed or something. I really don't know why I feel so upset about the whole thing. I'm angry and depressed. I got a pretty bad case of anxiety during that last week because I knew something was very wrong.

    Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, I know it was long!
     
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  2. Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    You can't get her out of your head because you loved her. Probably still do. There are some people in our lives that we can 100% say that we love. But the thing is, you think just because you have feelings for this person and that you click in so many ways that you are meant to be with them and that you won't find anyone that you have more of a connection with. I have found that there are two equally important things in a relationship: The connection and then everything else. It all has to slot into place for it all to work.

    What I'm saying is that even if you are feeling like I've blown it and it was my best chance yet, the point is that it was never going to work because there were too many issues there making you both unhappy. Once you feel like it was never going to happen any other way, you weren't meant to be together, and it wasn't good for you, you should find it easier to more on. Given time!
     
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  3. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Jumping jesus, that sounds like a thoroughly horrible situation you are in! I don't have much to offer in terms of experience or anything but your primary question: "Why do I care?"....Well of course you do. Being so close to someone then suddenly being so far for no logical reason must be torturous. She obviously has issues that would make a healthy relationship very difficult but the lack of answers I imagine would drive you insane. I've experienced and expressed on the forums the feeling of giving someone a part of you, then when they leave or go out of your life, they take that part of you with them. You lose a bit of yourself with that person and I don't feel like I can get it back. I don't know if that's the same with you but it may be a common INFJ thing.
     
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  4. Altruistic Muse

    Altruistic Muse Community Member

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    Definitely. I try my best to stay detached enough not to give it away again. It builds up too much resentment in me.
     
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  5. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Yeah I haven't quite mastered that yet!
     
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  6. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    I think I understand I've just been very insominia prone and sleep deprived lately so I'm hoping what I say will make sense.
    Okay so basically she had clearly been very hurt/ emotionally abused before she met you a situation I have been in before and she needed someone to help her get back on her feet, something INFJs are brillant at. :) She loved you because she needed you and when she realised just how musch she loved you and needed you it was like she was in awe of and was truly appreciating how selfless you all can be. Its soet of an iF thing. and That's what she meant by liking the idea of you.
    But then then when all her feelings and appreciation started coming out in one big blow out, you were like okay thats fabulous but I need my space. Which sort of threw her off from the idea of how perfect you were, you know, the fact that you too arew human. :p and then she had to go spend the weekend with her mom, time in which she probably spent distancing herself from you emotionally. She probably came around to the idea that she had only, needed you that's why she cared so much about you. And now she was over it back on her feet and just wanted to put it all behind her. Also, INTJs like to think of themselves as strong and independent and all that time she was neededing you she probly felt self hating in a way, very weak and pathetic an idea which probably angered her greatly. So what must have happened is that ina ll his time apart she began to associate you not as her saving grace but to associate you with a very difficult period of her life and all these negative feelings. But once you became associated with such negativity the damage was done, and as much as she tried she couldn't bring herself to love you. She just didn't need you anymore.
    So you see it wasn't your fault at all. It was a sucess actually. Your kindness has helped her emmensly in her life wether she recognises it or not. (she probably understands this but can't feel it emotionally and can't stand to have her thoughts and feelings be in contradiction probably why she just couldn't stand do get around you anymore.)
    You should be proud for what you've done. I'm sorry it seemed to end badly. I feel like realationships where one person saves another emotionally always seem to end this way, but really they do a world of good.
    <3.
     
    #6 foureyes, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
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  7. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    Okay time to edit myself. What I meant by saying "it's sort of an iF thing" quite randomly what, I meant was the whole big emotionally blow out thing (hmm I'm not sure I like the word blowout here gives the wrong connotation but think I'm to tired to think of a better word I'm sry) was that iFs only realise there true feelings about something after they've thought about it (Extroverted thinking Introverted feeling) but once she had thought about it and her true feelings were recognized its like they totally take over and she became really passionate. She really did love you i think.
    I'm soooo sorry! We iFs can be emotional nightmares, not to mention the ones who are already screwed up! I'm really sry you had to go through all this. <=(
     
    #7 foureyes, Aug 17, 2009
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  8. Eniko

    Eniko May snark if provoked
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    First off, you're soooo better off without her. Reading that threw up all kinds of massive red flags, she's obviously quite unstable.

    On why it seems to be getting to you so much, it might have less to do with this woman in particular than the whole situation revolving around your relationship. Judging from a friend of mine who went through something similar, the whole "kid and family" thing can really get to some guys. It can become really desirable for them to be in that role relatively quickly. Are you sure it's not the loss of a family of your own that's making you feel this way, rather than the loss of dating this woman?
     
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  9. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    Um I don't want to bother you but would you mind responding to my response? I'm just really nevrvous as to what the INFJ eF response will be to all this and that fact that no one has responded so far has got me really nevrous that its incredibly negative which I mean if it is that's so okay, It's probably deserved but I feel like anything you can say will be better than everythng I'm imagining you must be thinking.
    I don't want you to start feeling like iF feelings are illigitamate, Because I mean they are very real they can be felt enormously and deeply and passionate and immensly ans they grow and deepen over time, tho you had the misfortune o f not being able to find that out.
    I don't even feel emotional at all right now,I feel this absolutely terrible neutral like but not quite feeling inside because I brought back those unpleasant feelings. I'm just really so sry for everything.
     
  10. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    I'm sorry It's just the whole situation, First all the damage that is done and then the process necessary to restore a person back to health. It just sort of leaves a bad taste in your mouth. I guss that's what Psychiatrists are for but there never is anything that quite brings your confidence back as being loved by another. and then letting your heart forget about the whole thing. that is so terrible.
    But my advice tothose who have been through such things and are trying "restore " themwelves, make them feeling and whole again, you have to do it from the top down. That's the best way I can explain it. It's hard to put into words what I mean but hopefully you'll understand. :)
    Change your life and your feelings will follow. closer?
    I have the feeling I might have just confused you a million times more.
     
    #10 foureyes, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  11. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    Foureyes,

    Your post made complete sense actually, basically I was used to help her regain her emotional stability. So like you said it was a success for her, at the cost of my feelings and being heartbroken. So in a way, she is a selfish evil person, because in a sense, she needed something from me. Like you said the "idea" of me. She gave me what I needed in order to get what she needed, once she got it she was done.

    That seems easy enough to say, but I don't believe it. I can't believe that someone I loved so much, was in reality this evil selfish person. I keep telling myself she is confused and is not sure what to do. It was easier for her to just end things, rather than face the constant pressure of me trying to fix the relationship/find out what is really wrong.

    I'm wondering if my primary problem is that I keep expecting her to realize she was confused and that she had a great thing. If she was willing to face those problems, it could actually end up being very healthy, and could end up making the relationship even stronger, if we got back together and took our time to make sure things were going right.

    So the bottom line is i'm still hoping she will come around, someone help me make that feeling go away. I'm such a hopeful person, even in situations that are obviously not going to happen, or turn out well.
     
  12. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    I understand that you are saying she established that I was connected with negative thoughts, but she blocked out all the good thoughts to get to that point. I noticed that she no longer focused on the good, the possibilities. She became completely pragmatic, and nothing I could do would bring her out of it.

    I only wish we had more time towards the end to just have fun and enjoy each other's company. It seemed like serious issues came up between her job and being unhappy, and her son's father. She all the sudden had to face all these serious problems, but did not want to have to lean on me to get through them.

    If a relationship has a rough patch, you are supposed to work through it and you will come out even stronger. Instead she just ran away.

    And I completely understand your point, you are not confusing me. Its like the answer is staring me in the face. She used me, that is the bottom line. Why then do I care so much about her?

    This is where I wish I was a INTJ. I want to remove her from my mind, my soul and my heart. She does not deserve someone like me, the fact that I can't seem to move on is infuriating me.

    It is always the "what ifs" that drive me more crazy than anything. I keep telling myself, well what if she realizes all you did and comes back.

    However I know that what you say is true, she used me, regained her confidence and is moving on. Thinking back, it is actually a pattern. She stays with most men she has dated for about 2 months. She probably falls for them, then makes them out to be horrible in her mind, then leaves them. This is probably very empowering for her. She is like a friggin black widow.
     
    #12 Exodus, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  13. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    Well, I mean I guess there's a slim chance of that but the thing is once this association has been made with feelings, iF and TJ at work it, it can be almost impossible to undo them. They're practically permanent from my expirience. I'm so sorry!
    She's probably just a complete mess inside the way I am.
     
  14. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    You actually sound just like her. Your writing style, grammar and the way you explain your feelings. My logic says this is just a coincidence, my intuition tells me otherwise.
     
  15. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    I know what you mean. Forgetting about everything and just letting yourself learn to live and love and have fun again is the only way to get through it and what's so tragic is that you guys ultimately do seem like a good match, but the thing is that she's come to now associate you with her old life and to do this she needs to do this by starting afreash with a new life. one that doesn't include you.
    I think I'm about to cry.
     
  16. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    Oh no sry I hate to dissapoint you. I'm just a sixteen year old girl who's been through a similar situation.
    That would be so romantic tho.
    I really didn't mean to mislead you into having false hope (the possibility didn't even occur to didn't even occur to me theo it seems rather obvious now) and ended up hurting you even further, which I feel like my explanation might have done. It's just a frusturating situation, that I feel like you should probably just move on from.
    Though I mean if you really do like her you can always try. Just from my experience tho, its unlikely that her feelings will change or at least, notanythime soon.
    But that's just my opinion and what do I really know? Not much as it will become apparant from reading my other posts (just in case your still having any doubts that I might be an INTJ). Sorry if I made things even more complicated for you than they needed to be.
     
    #16 foureyes, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  17. Orion

    Orion Strength through understanding
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    Well that's scary then.
     
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  18. foureyes

    foureyes Community Member

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    I'm really sorry about everything Exodus but I'm here to answer any questions and to provide you with emotional support if you'd like. *sad smile*
     
    #18 foureyes, Aug 17, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 17, 2009
  19. alcyone

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    You can't get her out of your mind, thoughts etc because you started to build something.

    You started to care about the group. You invested yourself and when it tanked it took all you invested and flushed it down the toilet.

    In truth, she probably doesn't have it together or have her feet under her. She did to you what was done to her and she convinced herself that it will make her a stronger person. Like she is reclaiming the thing that was taken away from her.

    Too bad karma is a bitch and doesn't work that way.

    Although you are a mess right now, I highly suggest you work through this on your own and not renew a relationship even if she sends you chocolates, flowers, a mercedes benz, and a puppy. Don't let whatever she wants to tell you 'I didn't realize how much you meant to me'...etc convince you that she wouldn't pull an act like this again.

    The next round may cost you even more.
     
  20. OP
    Exodus

    Exodus Regular Poster

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    Alcyone,

    You response is exactly what I wanted/needed to hear. It is nice to encounter another strong INFJ. Generally i'm strong as hell, but this one has me a mess.

    I would like to say everyone's response has really helped a lot. I have realized that she used me, and karma is a bitch. Sometimes I think its ok to view things the way they are. She is the one who will ultimately be alone, not me.
     
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