Can't make sense of this.

This recent breakup is actually what made me realize i'm a INFJ and not a INTJ. However, I cannot make any sense of this situation. Would you be so kind as to tell me what you think?

I'll try to keep this abridged.

Met her online, we talked everynight for 4 nights straight, 2-3 hour conversations. We had so much in common regarding what we wanted in life, we both had INFJ/INTJ traits. (The irony is I thought I was a INTJ and her a INFJ, it was the other way around.)

She has a son who is 2 1/2, normally I would not date someone with a kid, but I was willing to make the effort because she seemed like someone who I would really click with.



First couple dates are amazing, she ends up asking me to stay the night after the 4th date (Not necessarily sexual). This is where the first red flag came up, she wanted me to stay every night, and to see her every day after work. At first it was nice to have someone to come home to, right when I got to the point of telling her I wanted to stay at my place some nights, she told me about problem set #1.

Her ex husband cheated on her right after they had their son. Every man she had ever known had abandoned her and hurt her. So I felt like I needed to show her I was not going to just run off. So I stayed every night, but still brought up the fact we would need some space.

Issue #2, my ex wife and I are good friends, no romantic attraction at all. She found this to be extremely threatening and often tried to manipulate me into thinking my ex wanted me back, which did not work. She also was very threatened by ex girlfriends in general, girls on facebook I dated like 6 years ago! So I tried to tell myself, she was this way because the ex cheated, so I would just let it go and hope she eventually dropped it.

I spent a lot of time with her and her son, we grew very close. We would do things like go to the zoo, take her son to the park ect. Every night we would read him stories and put him to bed together. The whole thing was really growing on me (after the initial awkwardness, I have no children.)
She said she has never seen anyone care so much for her son (besides her), and seemed to like it.

I noticed from time to time she would retreat inward and block me out for a couple days at a time. She would not talk to me very much and I could tell something was wrong. I had to basically drag her out of her little shell to get her to talk, and I would find out she didn't really know what was making her upset, but said she often has that kind of behavior. She claims she was emotionally scared because she felt things for me that she had never felt for anyone else.

Early the next month she said she loved me, and that she has never been in love before, she really started to open up and I could tell she was making progress getting past her issues. I felt it was a good time to start creating some space, because although at this point we lived together (basically) for a month and a half, people need space to be themselves. I was starting to feel so drained from constantly helping her out, and her son. I never really felt like my best interests were at heart.

The night I explained to her that we just needed to see our friends and I wanted to go stay at my house, she thought I was trying to break up with her, she freaked out, almost cried. That weekend she was supposed to visit her mom, so I didn't see her for 2 nights in a row. That sunday she started to really freak out, she sent me like 10 text messages saying how much she loved me and needed me, and that the time apart made her realize how much she wanted to be with me. I was like.. where did this come from. So I called her to reassure her that everything was ok on my end.

I came home Sunday and figured we would have a great romantic evening, but instead she was more distant than I have ever seen her, without going into detail I had to abort sex halfway through because I could tell she was on some other planet in her head.

That week she made plans to spend time with her friends and coworkers every night, would not call me, and responded to my texts with short answers. It was obvious something was wrong, I kept asking but she assured me everything was ok. She told me she loved me and wanted me to spend the night mid week. The next morning I walked her to her car before work, she said I love you, kissed me goodbye and went to work.

She didn't talk to me all day. Two days passed and on friday of the same week, she emailed me and said she wanted to talk. I ended up calling her that night (she made various excuses to not talk to me or meet.) and she said she never loved me in the first place and she wanted to break up. She claimed it was the "idea" of me that she fell in love with, and that she is completely fine on her own. I tried to find out the reason for her change in attitude, and even brought up that I knew something was wrong, and why she didn't tell me sooner. She said she was hoping that "love" feeling would come back, but it never did.

She also became very angry, she started to come up with crazy things that were not true, or just illogical. She said I never helped around the house, and she felt like I was being a freeloader. She said I never offered to help with bills ect. (I cleaned daily, did dished, vacuumed, cleaned up her kids toys. Also offered to help with rent on 5 occasions, and actually cut a check to her landlord for utilities.)

She could not come up with any reasons other than she didn't love me, to break up with me. I was very polite on the phone, we met two days later to get my things. She came to my work and threatened to just leave them at my car unless I left work early to meet her. I tried to talk with her to see what the real reason was, but she was emotionless, said she didn't care about us, gave me my things and left.

So here is my problem, why can't I get her out of my head? There was no future for us, it was obvious throughout the relationship that she had major issues that needed to either be fixed or it would end up causing problems one way or the other. The way she treated me and my feelings towards the end was rutheless and probably the most uncaring thing anyone has done to me.

She also accused me of being "obsessive" with her son because I bought him puzzles and tried to spend time with him. That really pissed me off. I was trying to care for her kid, which she told me she wanted a man that would do exactly what I did!

I think it is possible this bothers me so much because it simply does not make sense, and I feel like I failed or something. I really don't know why I feel so upset about the whole thing. I'm angry and depressed. I got a pretty bad case of anxiety during that last week because I knew something was very wrong.

Any thoughts? Thanks for reading, I know it was long!

 

Foureyes,

Your post made complete sense actually, basically I was used to help her regain her emotional stability. So like you said it was a success for her, at the cost of my feelings and being heartbroken. So in a way, she is a selfish evil person, because in a sense, she needed something from me. Like you said the "idea" of me. She gave me what I needed in order to get what she needed, once she got it she was done.

That seems easy enough to say, but I don't believe it. I can't believe that someone I loved so much, was in reality this evil selfish person. I keep telling myself she is confused and is not sure what to do. It was easier for her to just end things, rather than face the constant pressure of me trying to fix the relationship/find out what is really wrong.

I'm wondering if my primary problem is that I keep expecting her to realize she was confused and that she had a great thing. If she was willing to face those problems, it could actually end up being very healthy, and could end up making the relationship even stronger, if we got back together and took our time to make sure things were going right.

So the bottom line is i'm still hoping she will come around, someone help me make that feeling go away. I'm such a hopeful person, even in situations that are obviously not going to happen, or turn out well.

 

I understand that you are saying she established that I was connected with negative thoughts, but she blocked out all the good thoughts to get to that point. I noticed that she no longer focused on the good, the possibilities. She became completely pragmatic, and nothing I could do would bring her out of it.

I only wish we had more time towards the end to just have fun and enjoy each other's company. It seemed like serious issues came up between her job and being unhappy, and her son's father. She all the sudden had to face all these serious problems, but did not want to have to lean on me to get through them.

If a relationship has a rough patch, you are supposed to work through it and you will come out even stronger. Instead she just ran away.

And I completely understand your point, you are not confusing me. Its like the answer is staring me in the face. She used me, that is the bottom line. Why then do I care so much about her?

This is where I wish I was a INTJ. I want to remove her from my mind, my soul and my heart. She does not deserve someone like me, the fact that I can't seem to move on is infuriating me.

It is always the "what ifs" that drive me more crazy than anything. I keep telling myself, well what if she realizes all you did and comes back.

However I know that what you say is true, she used me, regained her confidence and is moving on. Thinking back, it is actually a pattern. She stays with most men she has dated for about 2 months. She probably falls for them, then makes them out to be horrible in her mind, then leaves them. This is probably very empowering for her. She is like a friggin black widow.

 

You actually sound just like her. Your writing style, grammar and the way you explain your feelings. My logic says this is just a coincidence, my intuition tells me otherwise.

 

Alcyone,

You response is exactly what I wanted/needed to hear. It is nice to encounter another strong INFJ. Generally i'm strong as hell, but this one has me a mess.

I would like to say everyone's response has really helped a lot. I have realized that she used me, and karma is a bitch. Sometimes I think its ok to view things the way they are. She is the one who will ultimately be alone, not me.