I do have alot of regrets about how things in the relationship turned out. For both me and her this was probably most most significant relationship that either one of us had had. The ex she is engaged too, alot of things just seem like a fantasy to me. Yeah there was history between them as far as high school, I asked if she is dillusional because it doesn't really seem like she is looking at much other then how she feels. However, I could probably say the same thing about how it turned out between me and her. The career field that I am in right now, alot of things would have had to line up between her and me for things to work out and the only way to figure out if that would happen would have taken a couple years to truly figure out.
I do have alot of regrets about how things turned out between us. Since we began this LDR nothing had been simple. Neither one of us had been very understanding about things. Both of us were in a panic about things working out. It may have not been said verbally but I know we were both thinking the same thing. Alot of empathy to each other and the situation we were both involved in was undermined by our fears. Right before we broke up, I was extremely depressed because of how difficult things were going between us. I really did stop takening care of myself because there were alot of emotional blows going on. We were very dependent on one another before and never learned to live our own lives while being together. It's strange how the fear the both of had actually manafested into a reality. For right now, I don't have any planes of starting a new relationship with anyone else. Still feel I need to just try and find myself again.
When we fought typically we would be talking about something random. She is a very quite person on the phone by the way. I would have to drive alot of the conversation. Eventually she would become irritated by something, I would try to remain calm and diffuse the conversation, eventually I would loose my calm. Before you know it both of us are yelling and I would say something I regret, I would try and get off the phone before that point though, I would tell her I need 5 minutes to calm down and I would call her back, I would be threatened to be broken up with at that point. After some yelling I would usally feel extremely low. This happened every couple of days. I feel bad because I know alot of what she needed at the time was just a emotionally connection but my depression had gotten so low that I wasn't the bright smiling guy I had been before.
Don't get me wrong, there were good days and those really kept me in it. She really did care about me. She did try to help. She did miss me a great deal and did love me alot. We smoothered each other. Patience was one of the things that had been lacking.
She rebounded back to her ex, the only reason I feel that she had done that was because she didn't want to hurt anymore from what happened between us. Her ex was so desperate to be with her that he pulled out all the stops. After me and her broke up she saw him for 10 days within 3 weeks. He flew out to see her. It's all meaningless though. Painful but meaningless. Knowing how relationships are the first 3 months are pretty much free and clear of all problems. That's whats going on here, it's like a brand new relationship. Give it time and the real stuff will be brought out.
Again, all I can really do is change myself and become a better person, learn from the mistakes and take it one step at a time. Wish I could change people, place and things but in the real world it's just fantasy.
