Can Someone explain what's going on: Like Twilight

[RandomINTP]

I was in a relationship for 18 months with my ex. We broke up 6 weeks ago. Just want to understand WTF happened.

She is a INFJ 21 almost to the T, and I'm an INTP, 25. We started are relationship in college and meet through a internship. She was a Sophomore and I was a Senior. When we first met she was in a long distance relationship. They had known each other in high school. Started dating when they went home from a vacation. They were only together for 10 days intimately. The summer passed and she started attending my college. We hung out a little bit her and there, ovious attraction but new it wasn't right to take a girl from a BF. I heard they had been fighting a little here and there. On halloween she ended up inviting me to a party and was all over me. I thought she was just drunk and didn't really buy into it to much. However, later on that night I saw her kissing some random guy. For a fact I knew they were not in a relationship. This basically gave me the green light that this relationship she was involved in wasn't as serious as I had thought. We started hanging out everyday pretty much from there on after. We got intimate a couple days later.

She tried breaking up with her LDR BF and didnt' have the strength to make it stick. After 4 weeks me and her said we loved each other. She was over at my house almost every night. During that time it was really difficult because sometimes he would call at the worst moments. Right before winter break. She ended up getting drunk at a friends. I went and picked her up. The next morning she recieved a phone call, on the other line it was a mutual friend saying that she had kissed him. She was blacked out that night. Let it go because we weren't offically in a relationship.

She ended up going home for winter break. She saw him. She said before she left she was going to break up with him. Didn't happen. It actually turned into a blow out fight between us. Two weeks after the fight we started talking again. After winter break we got involved again. I gave her the space to break up with him. After about 2 months she finally did. This LDR never new about her and me. I graduated and moved in with her and her family over the summer. During the summer we fought quite a bit because her mom was placing a lot of pressure on her. She had to fullfill a summer internship program requirement and left for a month. The day she left I found out that my uncle was dying in the hospital. I told her that I would have to go back and see him. That entire day she gave me the cold shoulder because she felt that I would be ruining our plans. Was a really crappy day. We were only able to send messages back and forth through normal mail while she was away. She came back and again she was getting in alot of fights with me and her mom. She never really explained what was going on. Never really explained what was upsetting her. I ended up seeing that in her email that she had messaged her ex. Pretty much saying she missed him in a romantic way. When we got back to her college we had a serious talk, I threated to break up with her and she told me that while we were fighting she just wanted to talk to a friendly face. That she had so much stress from her mom and after that talk things were great for the next six weeks while we lived together at her house with her roommates. I was living the college lifestyle with no work.

After six weeks I had to move for work. Things got really rough right off the bat. We had never been apart for that long and there was alot of fear. It turned into a love/hate relationship. Everyother day there was usally some fight. Alot of conversation were pretty much "you stupid, you don't get it and so on." I really did my best to understand and try to give her as much emotional support as possible. At this time I had been looking at her email to figure out what was going on because oviously she was telling me something. Right before her next winter break she had emailed a past friend and said that she was still in love with her ex but loved me too. her friend basically said that she was just under alot of stress and just needs to take it easy, not to make any major decisions

We talked about it when we saw each other for two weeks, over that break. Things seemed to be cleared up. However over the next couple months she continued to talk to her ex. I doubt it was consistant but still became a major issue in are relationship.

We started talking about marriage and we were getting close. However, I never did propose because I was hoping things would calm down between us. That never happened. When we were together things generally went very well however when we were long distance things were very taxing and hard. Alot of my confidence had been distroyed because I had left everything I know and loved. On top of that fighting with her so often really took a tole.

Alright so we have been broken up for 6 weeks. She is engaged to her ex. I know that she didn't see him during the time we were together but seriously what the hell is going on. Is she dillusional, in a extreme rebound, was she just stringing me along? I guess I'm just trying to get this in prespective. Were most of our fights due to the fact I was constantly getting compared to her ex. I dunno, I'm pretty messed up about how jacked up this all got. We trully loved each other and it was an amazing time while we were together. What kills me the most is that they during what the 20 months since the moment that they dated only were physically intimate for a total of 1 month. If anyone could give me a clue as what the hell actually happened in this it would really help

 

[IndigoSensor]

This is the answer:

Is she dillusional, in a extreme rebound, was she just stringing me along?

In short at least. I need to point out something though. The way you worded this made it appear and sound like you never faulted with anything. At least, if you alluded to it, you gave no details about it. This makes me wonder if you are not seeing the entire situation and thus are embellishing some of the details. Nevertheless, you (appear to) paint a good picture about everything.

This girl, sounds like she is just undevelopled, and has internal problems of her own. I.E. She seems lost, baseless, and does not know what she wants. There is nothing worse then a lost INFJ, because they can lure people in and bring them down with them without even trying to do so. Sort of like an orbiting asteroid. If you happen to get in the way, you will get trapped in the gravity and hit all the stuff she does.

You clearly do sound like an INTP because this all was laid out to be very clinical. That's fine but in the context of relationships, emotion is quite important. You need to weight out for yourself if you can move on from her. I am willing to bet that might be harder then you think. She seems to be repeating the exact same cycles over and over again. Unfortonately because you are linked in with all of these cycles, she has a subconscious memory of that linked to you; it's unreconciable. As sad as that is.

She is just undeveloped, confused, and needs to fix her self before her external world will be fixed. It's in your best interest (and likely hers) to stay out of her way.

 

[the]

She just sounds young and dumb and you are young enough to get caught up in her irrationality. Which sadly is what many relationships tend to turn out as.

What do you think the problem was? I mean you were right there the whole time you know? I think you were just her booty on the side. Or just someone comfortable to be there while the LDR was not there, just filling a void.

 

[Razare]

Hey, sounds like my relationship that just ended. *holds hand out to high-five*

Let's get drunk at the bar and meet some new women, what do you say?

----

And yeah, I agree with the above two comments. She was 21, that pretty much says it all.

 

[sassafras]

Sad to say, but all of the answers to your questions are actually in your post, RandomINTP. Read over it again and take note that while you two were technically together for 18 months, emotionally, she was all over the place.

For one, half of your relationship included her struggling to severe ties to her long-distance ex-boyfriend and wrestling with trying to sort out her feelings between the two of you. What's most startlingly, however, was the fact that you said you knew she wasn't serious about her LDR boyfriend when you heard that the two of them were fighting lots and when you saw her making out with a random guy... but somehow wasn't able to apply the same reasoning when the very same thing happened early on in your relationship. She made out with a random guy even though the two of you exchanged 'I love you's' prior to that happening. Yes, I realize that you two weren't 'officially' in a relationship at that time, but what concerns me is that it doesn't make sense for her to pursue other guys or string along an ex-boyfriend if she says she loves you. Either she has a very poor understanding of what love means or she's the type that falls hard and fast and is very fickle about her emotions. And truth be told, from everything you've described, it seems like either one can be the case.

I'm sorry to say this, but it seems like she never made you a priority during the course of your relationship. The fact that she had such a hard time breaking things off with her ex should have been your biggest, brightest red flag. The next should have been the fact that you two fought often but your problems never really got resolved because she either a) didn't follow through on her promises, b) never actually told you what was wrong. And finally, you spent eighteen months trying to get her to dump her ex boyfriend and commit to you, but it took her less than six weeks to break things off with you and completely devote herself to him for the rest of her life. That alone says a lot about how invested she was in your relationship opposed to the one she shared with her ex.

I apologize if any of this came across as blunt or rash, but I think this is something that you needed to hear so you can move on from this unhealthy relationship.

Take care.

 

[invisible]

i remember when i was like her. you should forget her. she has too much shit to work out and by the time she does it she will be a completely different person. there is someone out there who's better for you. do things to focus on you, and on nurturing and developing your self. be who you are and you'll find the right girl. eat well and get exercise and learn about something new that always interested you.

 

[invisible]

and DON'T try to be friends. forget her and move on. but that's just my personal advice.

 

[Questingpoet]

The above advice is harsh, but absolutely true. You need to really look at this dispassionately, or be prepared to get wrapped up in a lot of misery. I have to agree that you weren't a real priority to her based on what you have said here. Also, she is an emotional mess and will do nothing but drag you down. I'm a little shocked you pursued a relationship when she was so obviously messed up and making out with random guys. All the trouble signs were there. Like TDHT said, not only was she not invested in you like you were in her, she's emotionally immature. I was in a relationship that had a lot of similarities when I was younger, I'd tell my younger self the same thing. Do yourself a favor and move on.

 

[invisible]

PS don't read other people's private correspondence. it's abuse.

 

[Skoffin]

She sounds like a selfish nut, cut contact with her and move on.

 

[athenian200]

Here's what's going on:

1. She's probably an SP. If she seemed like an INFJ, it was probably because she was really stressed out, or that's just how she tries to appear. I don't see any NF or J in her behavior. Maybe an ENFP could act like that if they were screwed up enough, and even that wouldn't be common.

2. She didn't really love you, she just didn't want to be alone while she was fighting with her other boyfriend. She may have thought she did, but she didn't.

3. You got involved with her too much, too fast, before the ties with her other boyfriend were clearly severed, before you knew how reliable she was, and thus underestimated the hold the other relationship had on her.

4. She was unfaithful, because she tends to do whatever seems like a good idea at the moment. When she's fighting with you, she misses her ex. When she's fighting with her ex, she misses you. Sometimes she also gets involved with other men briefly. Quite flighty, may just be seeking emotional/physical self-gratification.

By the way... be careful about reading people's e-mail. I think it may be a crime. It's best not to do it, but if you do... do it as little as possible, and be very careful not to let anyone know you're doing it. It really creeps a lot of people out. You probably shouldn't have even told us.

In summary, you dated someone who didn't really love you, and who wasn't right for you. You invested more than you should have, and you lost that investment. All you can do now is pick up the pieces and try to move on.

 

[Razare]

I think we scared him off.

 

[Azlan]

Bitches and whores, man. Bitches and whores.

 

[acd]

Here's what's going on:

1. She's probably an SP. If she seemed like an INFJ, it was probably because she was really stressed out, or that's just how she tries to appear. I don't see any NF or J in her behavior. Maybe an ENFP could act like that if they were screwed up enough, and even that wouldn't be common.

Or... she's an INFJ with issues.

Anyway..she doesn't sound like she is capable at this point of being serious with anyone.. engaged or not. I don't think you need to worry about what's going on with her because it won't get you anywhere.. It's natural to grieve for the loss of a relationship, but it is also necessary to accept that it's over and move forward. By focusing on her right now and doing desperate things like reading her personal messages, you are making yourself oblivious to all the opportunities for happiness that are available to you right now.

 

[athenian200]

Or... she's an INFJ with issues.

I really don't see that as INFJ behavior, even if the INFJ does have issues. I would agree that the person in question has issues, but having issues doesn't make them an INFJ.

It seems far more likely that they were mistyped, than that an INFJ with issues would behave that way. I would imagine an INFJ being withdrawn and dismissive, maybe even overeating and such, but I generally consider the kind of behavior she was engaging in the realm of other types.

It's not impossible, but I think it would require a certain set of circumstances far more unlikely than the simple notion that he mistyped her. INFJs are quite rare in the general population, for one thing. He clearly didn't know her that well, and may well have idealized her in his mind. It would be very easy to mistake an ISxP for an INFJ in certain situations.

That's my disclaimer. Now, once again...

There's a remote possibility that she's an INFJ with SEVERE issues that would result from childhood trauma, and either growing up in a place where that kind of behavior is condoned, or coming to consider someone who acts like that a role model.

 

[acd]

INFJ shadow.

INFJs are also capable of having serious issues and being (not saying this ex-girlfriend is horrible, but obviously she's got problems) horrible people just as any other type.. to claim that as untrue would be naive...which you're not claiming is impossible. Just sayin'.

 

[athenian200]

INFJs are also capable of having serious issues and being horrible people just as any other type.. to claim to as untrue is just delusional.

I didn't claim that INFJs couldn't have serious issues or be horrible people. I'm just saying that it's extremely improbable that they would have THOSE particular issues or be horrible in that particular way, because those kind of issues indicate a particular kind of personality. And that personality isn't INFJ. If it were a situation that occurred over a matter of minutes, I might say ESTP shadow, but shadow only emerges for short periods of time under stress... it doesn't linger and affect your choices for that long, AFAIK.

EDIT: Oh, you edited your post. Ah, nevermind. It seems like we sort of agree.

 

[acd]

It is. I have known a very scary INFJ. Very manipulative and destructive. There was a history of childhood abuse in their background, so I am sure that plays into it.

It's not any more improbable than an ISFP child being abused and turning out to be abusive themselves. INFJ isn't a model personality for valiance and mental health. There are elements of good and bad in every type to varying degrees depending upon their own physiology and environment.

You may not know what particular behaviors a certain type are capable of until you have to deal with them first hand.

Unhealthy NFs are also notorious for being expert manipulators and abandoners... imagine all that self reflection and idealism "who am I, what do I want? What do I have to offer?" inverted into self-hatred. How would someone who loathes themselves work to answer those questions? Not in a pretty way. Idealism can have a horribly warped side to it, and drive people to do terrible things and be utterly disloyal to others for the sake of finding and implementing what is the "best" or most satisfying.

 

[christmas]

Just want to understand WTF happened.

She doesn't sound like an INFJ to me either...

Whatever happened it wasn't your fault, RandomINTP. You didn't ask for absolution... Well, you asked to know what happened, and I guess for an INTP to understand what happened is absolution for him. You know what happened. Immaturity does sound like a big part of the problem as others stated.

 

[Lumi Spitsbergen]

you should forget her. she has too much shit to work out and by the time she does it she will be a completely different person. there is someone out there who's better for you. do things to focus on you, and on nurturing and developing your self. be who you are and you'll find the right girl. eat well and get exercise and learn about something new that always interested you.

FANTASTIC advice right up there. DON'T be "friends" especially if she turns needy later on for someone "understanding." If you fall for that in the future you may as well put your heart on a highway with a sign that reads 'Roadkill.'

RandomINTP, if anything you should now learn to love yourself more. Throughout that whole relationship you should have made it clear to that b* that you value not only her, but also yourself in the relationship. Stop giving her easy-outs. If someone really loves you then they won't want to be with other people.

Being single is fantastic and freeing. Learn to love yourself alone, and you'll find that you can bring more, and expect more, from your future relationships.