By the time you know the INFP had a problem, they're long gone?

[Gerard91]

An important hint while conversations is to not miss the small tics people have while talking about something. The first (and short) emotional reaction is always true. It happens milliseconds before brain "thinks it over" and shows reaction that would be adequate as someone thinks of it. Observing it gives us information about what person thinks about, personality, and what she/he is fond of (generally what stereotypes he/she hides).

There was an experiment about Japanese people (office workers, generally very fond of showing emotions) watching action movie with employers. In very action-packed scenes they seemed to reveal their true emotions in first one second, then it was covered with fake smile.

 

[NYLilac]

I had the experience of dating an INFP in the not-so-distant past. We enjoyed quiet activities and liked many of the same movies. I was very nurturing, bringing home-cooked food to his apartment for us to share. We seemed to perceive one another's emotions without a word being said. He could intuit mine even over the phone. An empathic connection.
What broke us up? He was living with the mother of his kids in another city yet insisting he was staying there just to visit his kids. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, naively trusted him. He whipsawed me back and forth, claiming he was confused. Then a friend told me he had never broken up with the so-called ex. I made it easy for him by walking away. I will not be any man's backup plan, thank you. When I confronted him about his deceit, he would not respond. His pattern is to disappear without so much as a a good-bye, to hide. Apparently his gf of 23 years is willing to tolerate his cheating. She's welcome to him because lying, mind games and infidelity are on my list of intolerable acts!

 

[NYLilac]

I do want to point out that the assumption that you shouldn't have to communicate how you feel leaves others with no ability to meet your expectations. As long as you're okay with that, then you don't have to. But, if you need people to understand where you are coming from, what you want, and most importantly what you expect, then you have to tell them.

Couldn't have said it better myself, VH!

 

[Edith]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, [MENTION=4141]NYLilac[/MENTION].

 

[NYLilac]

Wish, how do I put one of those quotes at the bottom of my posts? I wanted to use Elizabeth Bennet's Words to Mr. Darcy in the final chapter of Pride and Prejudice: "Think of the past only as its remembrance gives you happiness."

 

[Edith]

Click on this link to edit your signature. Let me know (via PM or visitor message to avoid derailing the thread) if you have any problems

 

[NYLilac]

Permission denied by the Powers That Be. Darn!

 

[Gaze]

Hey, putting this up here and at TC because I'm really curious about this:

I've recently come into watching for this behavior in INFPs and wanted to extend the observation to all of you to get some more input.

From my experiences I've had first-hand or been around in my personal life, I've started thinking that INFPs may have a propensity for managing (or not managing) their feelings and self-awareness in such a way that while in a relationship, they are not communicative and thus solution-oriented about their dissatisfactions. And that by the time they finally commit to their dissatisfaction and make it known, it is on their way out the door, leaving their partner with no say, no hope, no relevance.

A little more info thus far would be that I've seen this happen twice with INFJ/INFP relationships and of course when I say "not communicative" that is coming from an INFJs standards. The INFPs seem to harbor a mentality along the lines of that if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out. To me that just looks lazy and self-defeating of the INFP.

If this is a pretty habitual way of handling problems, communication and relationships for INFPs, then I have to say that they sound like really unreliable lovers. And that they will move on completely, emotionally, without your having any idea of it seems outright inhumane to me. Again, though, I am an INFJ.

So! Somebody call me an idiot and somebody tell me that I'm right? I'm really curious as to whether other people can and have observed this, and would love any opinions on how and why this may be.. especially if I can view this demeanor as simply being different, rather than really lousy.

Yep. What @VH said. Sounds JUST like what I do. Especially where the OP said they just expect you to know there's a problem. *facepalm* We cannot seem to grasp that other's are not so intuitive.

I've dealt with a lot of IXNFPs in my life type, self diagnosed, and I'd have to agree with the statement that while it seems that they move on without giving you a chance to actually address the issue, XNFPs are typically giving off various signals that people can pick up on. It's not exactly that they don't want to bring the issue up with you, most of the time, I think it's more of "This issue hurts me, why do I feel this way, and is it justified" and by the time they finish that thought/emotion process....they kind of already have it situated.

More like I tend to communicate via obscure answers and gestures that mean quite a lot but only others that share the same intuition will pick up on it. I guess it's just my nature, but when others don't pick up on it, I tend to stew in my own emotions for a while. As others have said, sometimes I forget that not everyone has fantastic intuition. I like it when people try to pry a problem out of me versus having to explain the situation while they have remained clueless to my hints. It makes me feel cared about and my emotions feel like less of a burden to say.

But, if there is some unavoidable conflict that has to be discussed in a relationship, I will openly talk about my feelings without hesitation. It depends on how urgent the matter is. If I feel like I'm going to lose someone if I don't talk it out, count me in to a long and emotional conversation.

I totaly agree! verbalized emotions are disgusting because what you can tell someone is nothing more than a shadow of the emotion. Emotions should be understood intuitively. I can say I'm sad but it doesn't mean anything until the other person tries to step into your shoes to understand how you feel

For me, it's not so much that they need to be able to read me like a book or figure exactly how I feel without saying anything. It's more that if I am going to pay attention to and appreciate the subtlies in their communication or expression of feeling or emotion, then I would appreciate the same being done for me. It's not about mind reading but the person's interest knowing their partner well enough to figure some things out without having to verbalize everything.

 

[grt$5vb]

I could not agree more, that I think this way, but is it an unrealistic expectation?? I try to cut people some slack, since I don't cut myself any. I give them a lot of rope. They may hang themselves, but sometimes they surprise me. Remember: INFJs are detail oriented, and we are obsessively interested in people. We can't expect to receive exactly what we give, unless we date ourselves. Love people for who they are, and how they love. *hugs*

 

[Nixie]

Random side note: I would think that a Fi dom would be unable to tolerate a situation that was contrary to their ideals--once they figured out that something was wrong, they leave. I would say that may explain the apparent "sudden" departure. Whereas a Fe dom would want to hash it out and find a solution.

I would say that my Fi works in such a way that I can verbalize when I think something is wrong only if I judge it to be a viable option. If I do choose to speak out, I will be blunt and direct. I don't know if a Feeler would be as direct. I would also say that Fi operates under the premise that "my" feelings are my responsibility--so action is orientated toward self--I will take action--meaning I don't tend to utilize input from others or seek input from others before I make a choice. For me then, once I have reached a decision, I have reached a decision and it isn't an open debate. I am flexible regarding communicating with the other person but again, my decision will be my decision.