By the time you know the INFP had a problem, they're long gone?

StarsPer

StarsPer

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Hey, putting this up here and at TC because I'm really curious about this:

I've recently come into watching for this behavior in INFPs and wanted to extend the observation to all of you to get some more input.

From my experiences I've had first-hand or been around in my personal life, I've started thinking that INFPs may have a propensity for managing (or not managing) their feelings and self-awareness in such a way that while in a relationship, they are not communicative and thus solution-oriented about their dissatisfactions. And that by the time they finally commit to their dissatisfaction and make it known, it is on their way out the door, leaving their partner with no say, no hope, no relevance.

A little more info thus far would be that I've seen this happen twice with INFJ/INFP relationships and of course when I say "not communicative" that is coming from an INFJs standards. The INFPs seem to harbor a mentality along the lines of that if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out. To me that just looks lazy and self-defeating of the INFP.

If this is a pretty habitual way of handling problems, communication and relationships for INFPs, then I have to say that they sound like really unreliable lovers. And that they will move on completely, emotionally, without your having any idea of it seems outright inhumane to me. Again, though, I am an INFJ.

So! Somebody call me an idiot and somebody tell me that I'm right? I'm really curious as to whether other people can and have observed this, and would love any opinions on how and why this may be.. especially if I can view this demeanor as simply being different, rather than really lousy.
 
damn, maybe I am Fi-dom
 
I do this, and I'm an INFJ. I am reeeeally working on it, though. i'm sorry for your loss. :(
 
If this is a pretty habitual way of handling problems, communication and relationships for INFPs, then I have to say that they sound like really unreliable lovers. And that they will move on completely, emotionally, without your having any idea of it seems outright inhumane to me. Again, though, I am an INFJ.
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I am an INFP (more likely..) and what you wrote above is how I felt when my long term girlfriend left me. Never made her take the test so I don't what her personality type was. However, I always feel like I need to share my feelings, what I have inside and what's affecting the situation. Probably more so than what is considered to be healthy. INFP according to all the descriptions I read are seem to be people very interested in the feelings of others and it's important for them to communicate on such subjects.
I think that your case is mostly due to his unique personality and not because of his type.
However, these are just my thoughts.
:m107:
 
Yep. What [MENTION=708]VH[/MENTION] said. Sounds JUST like what I do. Especially where the OP said they just expect you to know there's a problem. *facepalm* We cannot seem to grasp that other's are not so intuitive.
 
purplecrayons said:
Yep. What @VH said. Sounds JUST like what I do. Especially where the OP said they just expect you to know there's a problem. *facepalm* We cannot seem to grasp that other's are not so intuitive.
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Man, ain't that the truth.

We communicate on that intuitive vibey level, then realize that the other person isn't listening. At that point, there's no reason to bother continuing. I suppose we need to realize that others are vibey impaired and learn the equivalent of sign language.
 
Hmm.. lot of people are reminded of the INFJ doorslam by this.. here and on TC. Maybe this is more INFx related. But I am also getting a lot of confirming feedback for this to do with INFPs and even INFPs with INFJs specifically.
 
StarsPer said:
Hmm.. lot of people are reminded of the INFJ doorslam by this.. here and on TC. Maybe this is more INFx related. But I am also getting a lot of confirming feedback for this to do with INFPs and even INFPs with INFJs specifically.
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In my experience, we assume we are getting each other between the lines because we're so often on the same page within the lines. Therefore, we eventually miscommunicate between the lines, then don't have any other means to verify or clarify, and make assumptions which cause one of us to walk away eventually.
 
VH said:
Sounds more like an "INFJ Doorslam" to me.

Howevever, I've dated several INFPs, and over the years I've learned that they are giving off signals that apparently other Fi types pick up on, or that they assume others are picking up on. I'm just now starting to decode them.
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I've dealt with a lot of IXNFPs in my life type, self diagnosed, and I'd have to agree with the statement that while it seems that they move on without giving you a chance to actually address the issue, XNFPs are typically giving off various signals that people can pick up on. It's not exactly that they don't want to bring the issue up with you, most of the time, I think it's more of "This issue hurts me, why do I feel this way, and is it justified" and by the time they finish that thought/emotion process....they kind of already have it situated.
 
Judging by the replies, it seems that this is just a female thing. ;]
 
StarsPer said:
From my experiences I've had first-hand or been around in my personal life, I've started thinking that INFPs may have a propensity for managing (or not managing) their feelings and self-awareness in such a way that while in a relationship, they are not communicative and thus solution-oriented about their dissatisfactions. And that by the time they finally commit to their dissatisfaction and make it known, it is on their way out the door, leaving their partner with no say, no hope, no relevance.

A little more info thus far would be that I've seen this happen twice with INFJ/INFP relationships and of course when I say "not communicative" that is coming from an INFJs standards. The INFPs seem to harbor a mentality along the lines of that if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out. To me that just looks lazy and self-defeating of the INFP.

If this is a pretty habitual way of handling problems, communication and relationships for INFPs, then I have to say that they sound like really unreliable lovers. And that they will move on completely, emotionally, without your having any idea of it seems outright inhumane to me. Again, though, I am an INFJ.

So! Somebody call me an idiot and somebody tell me that I'm right? I'm really curious as to whether other people can and have observed this, and would love any opinions on how and why this may be.. especially if I can view this demeanor as simply being different, rather than really lousy.
Click to expand...

Yep. INTPs also do this. I never understood the behavior. If you have a problem with me, you should definitely point it out, rather than letting the relationship fall through the gaps.
 
VH said:
Sounds more like an "INFJ Doorslam" to me.

Howevever, I've dated several INFPs, and over the years I've learned that they are giving off signals that apparently other Fi types pick up on, or that they assume others are picking up on. I'm just now starting to decode them.
Click to expand...

yep I do it too. When something is wrong I don't easily speak it out directly. First it takes time to grasp what is wrong, to think about it and decide if it really is an issue or not. secondly it is difficult to talk about it. There can be many reasons: the problem is complicated and I don't know exactly how I feel, talking about it might hurt the other person, I know the other person is not going to grap the problem or I know (s)he will misunderstand what I mean and the conversation (and maybe the whole relationship) becomes a disaster, ... And if the other person is to oblivious for my signals AND unreachable for a decent conversation than what is the point in staying with him?

I like to tell my problems indirectly because it is more subtle. Telling it directly is like painting with only 2 colors. Talking as a medium to solve problems is much to rough, especially when the other person only grasp half of what is being said. And I really enjoy relationships where things don't have to be said outloud, where you understand eachother without words. But until now only my best friend (also Fi dom I think) can tell when I have a problem so I really need to work on communication ;-)

An advice to you is, make it clear to the INFP that (s)he can be open to you and that most importantly you will listen and be open minded to what (s)he is saying. Be subtle :becky:
 
StarsPer said:
The INFPs seem to harbor a mentality along the lines of that if something is wrong, they "shouldn't have to" point it out.
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More like I tend to communicate via obscure answers and gestures that mean quite a lot but only others that share the same intuition will pick up on it. I guess it's just my nature, but when others don't pick up on it, I tend to stew in my own emotions for a while. As others have said, sometimes I forget that not everyone has fantastic intuition. I like it when people try to pry a problem out of me versus having to explain the situation while they have remained clueless to my hints. It makes me feel cared about and my emotions feel like less of a burden to say.

But, if there is some unavoidable conflict that has to be discussed in a relationship, I will openly talk about my feelings without hesitation. It depends on how urgent the matter is. If I feel like I'm going to lose someone if I don't talk it out, count me in to a long and emotional conversation.
 
Based on my experiences, my best sense is that if I wish to be heard and understood as it regards my needs, preferences, or dissatisfaction, it is best achieved by means of speaking directly.

In my view, speaking up demonstrates respect for the other person, and perhaps more importantly, respect for oneself.

Done with awareness of boundaries of responsibility, ownership of feeling, a needs-based focus, openness to compromise, non-violent engagement (a la Dr. Marshall Rosenberg), and reciprocal listening so the other person may also be heard and understood, a safe environment can be created where mutual witness of self can occur, and friendship, intimacy, and trust can grow and even flourish.

I’m no mindreader, and I’ve never met one either. :wink:


cheers,
Ian
 
hmm, i thought this fit me, but now that i've thought about it more it may just be a case of immaturity. i acted like that when i was younger, but now i've learned my lesson, i guess.
 
aeon said:
Based on my experiences, my best sense is that if I wish to be heard and understood as it regards my needs, preferences, or dissatisfaction, it is best achieved by means of speaking directly.
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I think this is important.

INFJs tend to be more direct, though we hate conflict. So we won't give you any signals until we're ready to be direct with you. Otherwise we're trying to think through what the situation is, and we're not ready to judge it.

INFP, if I'm not mistaken (and any INFPs, feel free to correct me) hate conflict as well, but they *know* how they feel about the situation before INFJs do. They just don't like being direct because (maybe) they believe the other person should've picked up on how they feel because they already feel it themselves.

Which is why there can be a lot of disconnect between an INFP and an INFJ when conflict occurs; the INFP really expects the INFJ to feel what they're going through immediately, but we can't. We have to process the emotion first. Either that, or we're going to intuitively pick it up *eventually* through Ni...but we'll only know something's wrong. We won't know exactly what's wrong until we filter it through out other cognitive functions, though.

We can get caught off-guard that way; especially if we assume we're right and we know the right direction to take, but the INFP has unconsciously disagreed with us.
 
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