Breaks

[slant]

Alright, so I've noticed that a lot of the time in my friendships and likely if I had any relationships I require frequent breaks to recollect myself. And I'm not talking about a weekend alone or anything. I mean, breaks, somewhere from weeks to about three months. I tend to drift from friend to friend and if we have some sort of conflict that can't be resolved I sort of 'drop' being friends with them, and then about four months later I suddenly start thinking about them and think it would be fun to get together again. I've also seriously considered that if I ever get married [ though I have some foul opinions about marriage, haha] that I'd wanted to own seperate apartments or living places so that we could live together for a while and then split up when the being-together got to intense.

I also am inclined to believe that such 'breaks' in relationships are healthy and should be done with even the most solid relationships. I think that people often get caught up in 'love' or 'us' and began to lose track of themselves and their own independence. Some people seem to think these breaks mean to see other people or give reason to cheat. But that's not what I'm meaning by break. I just think it's a good idea because I like my space and I'm sure my hypothetical partner would as well.

So...Is this just me, or do some of us have similar views?

 

[Ender612]

I need them too. But sometimes I get into conflict because some of my friends don't get that I need breaks. Usually, I need a week or two, but when my weeks get busy and full, I'll need multiple weekends to recharge, and I can't deal with people for several weekends in a row.

I remember having conflict with an old girlfriend because she thought we weren't "spending enough time together". I was like, I need some space...it doesn't mean I don't like you, but I feel like one of those batteries that needs 20 hours to recharge after 5 hours of discharge...

But, having said that I'm still up for living with someone that I really like, just as long as they get that I need quiet times...

 

[Soulful]

I need to think about this and get back to you.

But I think it's interesting how you envision your living situation with your partner. It's cool that you know that about yourself already.

I'm starting to think that once I have a conflict with someone, it's hard for me to return to the state before the conflict. I can try to convince myself, pretend, and still really appreciate the person and friendship, but on some level, with some people, it's just never the same again. So I find that some time away can be beneficial. And then I do miss them. And with some people, I want to get in touch. And after I get in touch with them and express warmth and appreciation towards them (because I've just missed them so much..), after that passes, I wonder why I wanted to get in touch in the first place! And then I feel guilty, because I no longer feel that warmth and that friendliness, and have probably lead them on. It's not always like that - I've pretty much generalized several different situations into one. But still.. it's telling, I guess.

In terms of the space in relationships.. I think a certain amount of space for self-reflection is healthy and often helpful. But I'm not sure that I agree with everyone needing that kind of space (not that you actually said this to be the case, I'm diverging a bit..). Some people just don't function well that way, and don't desire it. For those people, there are still ways to maintain one's sense of self as an independent entity, without splitting from their partner for some time. Everyone's got to work it out in their own ways, to whatever fits them and works best for them. In the end, I believe that it takes two emotionally mature, emotionally healthy, and well-adjusted people to create a healthy relationship. And self-awareness tends to help For some of us, space may just be a necessary factor in being able to be an emotionally healthy, well-adjusted, etc. person.

 

[arbygil]

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but I've purposely created a "shield." I don't even know how it happens, it just does. So really, I don't have many friends - and I really don't mind it. Those friends I do have know that I like/need my space, and they're far enough away that we rarely see each other more than once a week...or every other week. Depending. But maybe it's the getting older bit. The friends I have I've known for more than a decade and they're all either NF types or Introvert types...except for one. And fortunately that one lives too far for me to see her often.

I don't cut my friends off, but I also don't spend copious amounts of time with them. The time I do spend with them is quality time.

 

[Soulful]

Usually, I need a week or two, but when my weeks get busy and full, I'll need multiple weekends to recharge, and I can't deal with people for several weekends in a row.

Definitely.

It's interesting that generally the social expectation is that people go out on the weekend and "do" stuff, social stuff usually. But sometimes I find it's helpful to just hibernate during the weekend. Listen to music, chill out, and enjoy the peace and space. (Or do whatever suits the fancy ).

 

[slant]

I'm starting to think that once I have a conflict with someone, it's hard for me to return to the state before the conflict. I can try to convince myself, pretend, and still really appreciate the person and friendship, but on some level, with some people, it's just never the same again. So I find that some time away can be beneficial. And then I do miss them. And with some people, I want to get in touch. And after I get in touch with them and express warmth and appreciation towards them (because I've just missed them so much..), after that passes, I wonder why I wanted to get in touch in the first place! And then I feel guilty, because I no longer feel that warmth and that friendliness, and have probably lead them on. It's not always like that - I've pretty much generalized several different situations into one. But still.. it's telling, I guess.

This happens to me too. I feel sort of upset when we can work through our problems like rational adults [ though I guess the fact that we're not adults may play a factor in that]. I miss people for the oddest reasons, mostly though for stimulating conversations. I never miss someone for their sense of humor or attention or anything like that for some odd reason. Though I do HATE to leave things unsettled. I can't stand being in a fight with someone once I get over my anger, because even if I don't want to be involved with them I would rather at least have the vibe with them be neutral.

And I sort of figure that INFJ's need recharge time. My friend Robin who is also an INFJ often talks about this, and so I suppose it is a shared trait. But I almost feel that the alone time I'm talking about isn't really much about self reflection, because I can do that when I'm around people. It's more about just being away from that person and doing my own thing. I am rather comfortable being independent and begin to get a little annoyed when people start to invade me, though I can't tell you exactly how they do it. They just do.

 

[Ender612]

Definitely.

It's interesting that generally the social expectation is that people go out on the weekend and "do" stuff, social stuff usually. But sometimes I find it's helpful to just hibernate during the weekend. Listen to music, chill out, and enjoy the peace and space. (Or do whatever suits the fancy ).

Exactly!!! People ask me what I'm doing over the weekend. When I say, sleep or clean, or chill out, or hide or hibernate I get these looks...(you know that "huh, what a weirdo" look?). Sometimes I just say, we'll have to see.

On another note (and i'm not trying to hijack the thread slant), one weekend, (actually late Saturday night), I just straight up and went down to the ocean, sat down on the sand, felt the wind coming off the water and listened to the waves (and some music) for an hour or two...it was much more fun than any kind of social stuff.

 

[KingOfSpades]

I've always felt the need for breaks - both from everyone in general, and also specific people.

I think the way I most materialize this is just by moving. I've moved a lot in my life -- five major cities in the last 8 years (including a couple int'l stints). When things just aren't working out, I would just pick up and leave, and go somewhere else.

I'm getting a bit older though and am getting tired of moving all the time. My current city I really love and I think I'll be here for a while. I have a lot of friends here who are all introverts, so we all know we need some space. I rotate them, seeing one or two every other week or something. That way I get some people time but still have plenty of alone time if I want it.

There are also people in my life who I've just had to cut off, even though I didn't want to, because they were just really needy or kept invading my personal space and I didn't know how to handle it. I can't stand being in a bad relationship with someone, or being someone's enemy; I'd prefer to just cut things off entirely.

 

[slant]

Exactly!!! People ask me what I'm doing over the weekend. When I say, sleep or clean, or chill out, or hide or hibernate I get these looks...(you know that "huh, what a weirdo" look?). Sometimes I just say, we'll have to see.

On another note (and i'm not trying to hijack the thread slant), one weekend, (actually late Saturday night), I just straight up and went down to the ocean, sat down on the sand, felt the wind coming off the water and listened to the waves (and some music) for an hour or two...it was much more fun than any kind of social stuff.

My threads just go with the flow :flypig:

 

[Ender612]

My threads just go with the flow :flypig:

Good to know....I know that that's a flying pig...but it really reminds me of this "My Little Pony" that used to live in my house (my sister's room actually).

 

[IndigoSensor]

Oh yeah this is me as well.

The thing is I don't completly dissapear from them. I just limit contact. Because I sort of feel bad that they will think I am ignoring them for no reason.

 

[slant]

Oh yeah this is me as well.

The thing is I don't completly dissapear from them. I just limit contact. Because I sort of feel bad that they will think I am ignoring them for no reason.

Well if they talk to me I'll talk back but for some reason my friends don't really initate conversations. Most of them think I'm boring and no fun =D

 

[Soulful]

Exactly!!! People ask me what I'm doing over the weekend. When I say, sleep or clean, or chill out, or hide or hibernate I get these looks...(you know that "huh, what a weirdo" look?). Sometimes I just say, we'll have to see.

On another note (and i'm not trying to hijack the thread slant), one weekend, (actually late Saturday night), I just straight up and went down to the ocean, sat down on the sand, felt the wind coming off the water and listened to the waves (and some music) for an hour or two...it was much more fun than any kind of social stuff.

That sounds wonderful Ender.. I would love to spend an hour or two sitting on the beach. There is a feeling I have about the ocean that lakes/rivers/streams haven't yet matched. It's beautiful.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm guilty of thinking - how could someone not do anything all weekend? Isn't that weird, that I might think that, because I don't do anything all weekend myself . Maybe I've fallen into the trap overtime, which is strange for me.. I'm glad though that I can do nothing all weekend, cause it feels pretty good after a week of working. I wish there was an ocean nearby though.

 

[Reon]

I really don't know if I need a 'break' or not, I live far enough from most to all of my friends that I don't see them frequently enough. I do need recharge time, but not as much as most of the people here are mentioning; gah, >.>

Edit: I make such crappy posts...

Nenyway, I don't really re-call having a 'break' from my friends, they are few and far between so I tend to stick with them(eat with them everyday, stay over on some weekends, stuff like that) we all are introverted so when one of us doesn't want to be bugged, we generally just leave 'em alone.

 

[acd]

Yep. For sure. Pretty much everything you posted slant is what I do in friendships.. I start to feel like I'm losing my personality and perceptions if I spend too much time with people. I think it's because when I'm with people, I'm focused on understanding them and connecting with them.. so I do it in overkill til I have to hibernate. My friends get it.. They say things like, "She's in a phase right now, give her a few weeks."

 

[Soulful]

Edit: I make such crappy posts...

Definitely not
It's always interesting to read what people have to say.

so I do it in overkill til I have to hibernate. My friends get it.. They say things like, "She's in a phase right now, give her a few weeks."

Having your friends understand it/you and realize it - it sounds so nice.

 

[Zanshin]

My friends get it.. They say things like, "She's in a phase right now, give her a few weeks."

lol doesnt work that way with most guys and their friends, and if it does for any of you other INFJ males, I envy you. Almost all of my friends are extroverts. They can't really seem to understand that I get exausted after being with people for too long and I don't want to hang out or go to parties all of the time. I take a break for a day or so then I get bored and the cycle repeats.

 

[Ender612]

Someone (I may when I have time) should start a thread on the issues we have as INFJ males...or on INFJ males dealing with their male friends.


I have friends who don't get that being with people is tiring for me. I feel bad sometimes, like I'm neglecting them, but honestly, it's better that I stay away. Today, I ended up skipping out on dinner w/ some friends b/c I was done with people for the day...but in my experience my friends won't make a huge fuss about it...maybe that means they don't like me...
Though once, someone told me they were deeply concerned with the state of our friendship, because I was busy and peopled out...I wasn't too pleased with that development...

 

[Soulful]

Aww Ender.. I don't know what to say - but I empathize...

Today was a special day. I spent ALL DAY - I mean, literally, 8:30 to 4:30 - in a room with about 20 people, sitting facing each other in a meeting - all frickin day long! I felt physically unwell and tired to begin with; emotionally drained, anxious, hurting, and depressed; and mentally tired - and then we (they) spent much of the day talking about problems going on at work. People are feeling stressed out and there is a buzz in the conversation - and the entire time, I just wanted some quiet time, to be away. I think I internalized that stress. I ended up throwing up at one point (in the bathroom), which was probably related to all the stress I felt around me.

So, I agree, breaks are good. And very necessary sometimes.

 

[Ender612]

Aww Ender.. I don't know what to say - but I empathize...

Today was a special day. I spent ALL DAY - I mean, literally, 8:30 to 4:30 - in a room with about 20 people, sitting facing each other in a meeting - all frickin day long! I felt physically unwell and tired to begin with; emotionally drained, anxious, hurting, and depressed; and mentally tired - and then we (they) spent much of the day talking about problems going on at work. People are feeling stressed out and there is a buzz in the conversation - and the entire time, I just wanted some quiet time, to be away. I think I internalized that stress. I ended up throwing up at one point (in the bathroom), which was probably related to all the stress I felt around me.

So, I agree, breaks are good. And very necessary sometimes.

That day does not sound fun at all, sorries. Makes me wish you had an ocean nearby to help you de-stress.

What I meant by male-INFJ issues, I'll probably make a thread on eventually. It has to do with the general populace not valuing gentleness, which while not unique to INFJs is something that we all possess. And seeing that gentleness is not exactly #1 on the list of "masculine" traits, it gets annoying when people mistake gentleness for weakness. I'm not going into the rest of that now.