Bickering Couples and Love/Hate Relationships

[sassafras]

What is your opinion on a couple that bickers all the time? I'm not talking about the kind of fighting that is somehow psychologically damaging or overly aggressive, but I mean the type of couple that loves to get a rise out of each other and to some extent, enjoys that back and forth. To them, bickering isn't the same thing as arguing (although they do have serious arguments). Have you ever been in a relationship/friendship like this? Have you ever known anyone in a relationship/friendship like this? Why do you think they do what they do? In non-romantic relationships, why do some people automatically assume it's indicative of sexual tension?

 

[Stu]

I tend to do this, but I have learned to cut back on it a lot as it gets me into trouble. Sometimes I say things for what I think is its entertainment value but it ends up just being hurtful.

I was just thinking about this last night, and found it better to direct my aim at my wife's sister in-law, who of course was not there.

 

[Radiantshadow]

I see this behavior daily as a cashier and have formulated two reasons: affection and boredom. If the first, I personally consider it a sign of a healthy relationship because the people involved are secure enough in each other's love, and their own self-concepts, that lighthearted jokes and jibes can be safely made without upsetting anyone. It usually strikes me as a paradoxical way to show affection and inclusion by drawing attention to an excluding factor, as well as exploring some differences between one person and another. On the other hand, if the dialogue arises from boredom in that one or both parties know no other meaningful way to interact with each other, then I would possibly consider it a symptom of a listless, unsatisfying relationship born of desperation or settling. Unfortunately, I see this one far more often than the former, ostensibly because I live in a disturbed, low socioeconomic area where unhappiness may be more rampant. (Money does not equate to happiness, but it does influence its cultivation.)

/end idle, arm-register speculation

 

[wonkavision]

What is your opinion on a couple that bickers all the time? I'm not talking about the kind of fighting that is somehow psychologically damaging or overly aggressive, but I mean the type of couple that loves to get a rise out of each other and to some extent, enjoys that back and forth. To them, bickering isn't the same thing as arguing (although they do have serious arguments).

Not sure why, but I think it's romantic and sexy.

It's good when it's like this:

....the people involved are secure enough in each other's love, and their own self-concepts, that lighthearted jokes and jibes can be safely made without upsetting anyone. It usually strikes me as a paradoxical way to show affection and inclusion by drawing attention to an excluding factor, as well as exploring some differences between one person and another.

ALSO, Like Stu said:

I tend to do this, but I have learned to cut back on it a lot as it gets me into trouble. Sometimes I say things for what I think is its entertainment value but it ends up just being hurtful.

My wife is an INFP and VERY sensitive, so I've had to tone it down a lot, but she's met me halfway, and accepts that that's how I express affection.

Have you ever been in a relationship/friendship like this? Have you ever known anyone in a relationship/friendship like this? Why do you think they do what they do? In non-romantic relationships, why do some people automatically assume it's indicative of sexual tension?

I know a few people in relationships like this. It works out well for them.

I don't think it's always indicative of sexual tension, but it seems like it usually is.

 

[JGirl]

it's cute in small doses, then i have to get away from it.

 

[MindYourHead]

it's cute in small doses, then i have to get away from it.

Occasional kidding around and joking at the expense of your partner is fine, (as long as it isn't hurtful) but if it is constant bickering there has to be underlying problems in the relationship.

 

[JGirl]

Occasional kidding around and joking at the expense of your partner is fine, (as long as it isn't hurtful) but if it is constant bickering there has to be underlying problems in the relationship.

i can usually sense when there is an underlying bitterness to the ribbing when i hear a couple going at it.
and i agree - occasional harmless teasing isn't the same as passive aggression in the form of 'humour'.

 

[Gaze]

I've also wondered about couples like this. Not sure how to read their teasing. If it's not hurtful, and meant to be playful, then it's fine I'd assume. But if it's harsh and seems to reflect some underlying bitterness, then that's a problem. Or if it is used as a substitute for real communication because they're trying to avoid addressing an issue, then that's not good.

 

[Tiamat]

If it's some passive aggressive exchange, then it's not a good thing. That kind of communication and channeling of anger and resentment only erodes a relationship. Otherwise, whatever makes them happy.

Personally, I like to trade verbal slaps with people but don't like to bicker. Don't see the appeal.

 

[Kanamori]

Done well it can reinforce affection and can be a fun(ny) way of saying "You're definitely not this" and in those cases can be reassurances against doubts that might be sitting in the back of one's mind. The problem is that it can unintentionally hit a soft point sometimes. To me, when it's done well, it can be lots of fun, romantic or not. It can also be tiring sometimes, but hopefully those involved can pick up on that quickly.

When the bickering is in the context of differing views/opinions it's probably much less likely to go well. If it isn't a stressor to a relationship, the open divide of opinion can be the sign of deep mutual respect transcending a tribal worldview. IMO, it's much more rare but I've had conservative friends that I could respect for at least putting serious thought into something (even if they don't arrive at the right conclusion). (Serious discussion of issues, considering all angles, is necessary and only ways-of-going-about such discussions should be avoided and not the discussions themselves.) They were also some of the better friends I've ever had.

I haven't noticed anybody consider such things romantic, but perhaps they would out of fear of it somehow being improperly intimate.

 

[sprinkles]

Gotta do this...
[video=youtube;Trns9KPSq6Q]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Trns9KPSq6Q[/video]

 

[Jill Hives]

I am in a relationship like this.

Some days it is good, and some days it is not. It all depends on our mood.

 

[Odyne]

I've had this in a relationship once and I didn't particularly enjoy it. I enjoy a good argument or debate (as long as it doesn't get personal), but when it's aimless banter such as here, it is exhausting.


In friendships I find it to be not as unpleasant. I am in this situation with a friend of mine, where I am his boss on one project and he is mine on the other. We do a bit of arm wrestling from time to time, sometimes to draw the line but most of the time it's just for show. It relieves any awkwardness or unspoken doubts in the room that our teams might feel. Through this comical bickering we established to both teams that if it's his game, I follow his lead, and when it's my game, he follows mine. Now everyone understands that in order for both projects (which are very much entangled and related) to be successful, this agreement of mutual tug and yield needs to happen.



Other than that, I don't think I felt any sexual tension nor savored any kind of arousal from bickering. It's more of a turn off than anything else.

 

[this is only temporary]

...Other than that, I don't think I felt any sexual tension nor savored any kind of arousal from bickering. It's more of a turn off than anything else.

Agree. Being constantly annoyed and picked on by someone does not make me want to have sex with them, it makes me want them to go away.

 

[Flavus Aquila]

I used to be neighbors with an elderly couple that were always bickering.

It was hilarious to hear them carrying on. They seemed to be constantly outdoing each other in respect of wit/mental agility/cleverness/sassy-ness.
They also carried on as though they still had a crush for each other.


I'll bet that neither of them will ever get dementia - they use their minds too much.


"Snuggley, cuddley" relationships seem boring, stagnant, and rendered burdensome by a paralysing concern that one may inadvertently offend the other.

 

[Sriracha]

I think it's important to not misconstrue bickering for playfulness. Some couples enjoy the banter, and there is nothing wrong with it. Mr.S and I are always playful with each other, poking fun and making jokes. We've been married long enough to know the boundaries of play vs. hurt. Mr.S's parents are like this as well, so it is strange to reflect on the idea that our marriage mimics theirs. O.O

 

[wonkavision]

Is anyone here married?

If you get married (and especially if you have kids) you'll find that a lot of your lofty standards and idealistic fantasies about relationships go straight out the window.

If you plan to STAY married, you're gonna have to be ruthlessly pragmatic. And things like humor and teasing are, AT TIMES, the ONLY THING that is gonna keep it all together.

You'll see.

For the record, I've been married for 10 years and have three kids.

 

[ThomasJ79]

Is anyone here married?

If you get married (and especially if you have kids) you'll find that a lot of your lofty standards and idealistic fantasies about relationships go straight out the window.

If you plan to STAY married, you're gonna have to be ruthlessly pragmatic. And things like humor and teasing are, AT TIMES, the ONLY THING that is gonna keep it all together.

You'll see.

For the record, I've been married for 10 years and have three kids.

Ten years too
2 girls and wife, loves of my life
I told my wife I'll be more pragmatic if she becomes more idealistic, lol.

 

[MindYourHead]

Is anyone here married?

If you get married (and especially if you have kids) you'll find that a lot of your lofty standards and idealistic fantasies about relationships go straight out the window.

If you plan to STAY married, you're gonna have to be ruthlessly pragmatic. And things like humor and teasing are, AT TIMES, the ONLY THING that is gonna keep it all together.

You'll see.

For the record, I've been married for 10 years and have three kids.

I am. 15 years this coming November. One Son.

Whatever works.

 

[this is only temporary]

Is anyone here married?

If you get married (and especially if you have kids) you'll find that a lot of your lofty standards and idealistic fantasies about relationships go straight out the window.

If you plan to STAY married, you're gonna have to be ruthlessly pragmatic. And things like humor and teasing are, AT TIMES, the ONLY THING that is gonna keep it all together.

You'll see.

For the record, I've been married for 10 years and have three kids.

Me three, neither of us is particularly bickery. Deliberately making a person angry and then exposing your private parts to them and sleeping with them seems very risky to me. Isn't that how people get murdered and pushed off cliffs and things like that? http://edition.cnn.com/2013/09/10/us/montana-husband-death/index.html

(all right, extreme example, but still....)

And whatever works for you is right!