Being a member of a group, but not part of it. | INFJ Forum

Being a member of a group, but not part of it.

MindYourHead

MindYourHead

Courage doesn't always roar.
Jun 16, 2009
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Throughout my life, I have often felt I was looking in at life from the outside.
Never feeling fully included in what is going on around me.
At work for example, I am a member of an organization, well liked as far as I know. I get along with everyone except the micro managing General Manager with whom I like to antagonize.
hul.gif

But, at the same time, I don't feel as though I am not a part of the group, the odd duck if you will.

Anyone else know what I mean? Have felt the same when in a social setting?

Is this primarily an INFJ trait?

I have a difficult time transferring my thoughts into written word, so I look forward to what others have to say.
 
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We all feel like the black sheep sometimes.
 
I share your pain, so to speak. I'm a little different though. I sort of sub-conciously chose to be out of the loop and be quiet so people don't have a reason to dislike me.

But, I think i know where you're coming from. I never seem to be "included in life" as such. I sort of watch everyone go about their business, chat or whatever and i'll just observe and keep to myself.
 
Absolutly identify. Everywhere I've gone, everywhere I've been, everyone seems to like me, but not enough to fully include me - despite my often tries to fit in and force myself to blend in with them.

I wouldn't say I've given up on trying but the fact is that I'm kind of tired of running after people when people forget about me. So yeah, I do know what you mean~ ^^;

*Odd duck #2 says "quack!"*
 
I have reason to believe that I am incapable of being part of a group. I'll join an organization or have a 'circle of friends' and at some point or another, I'll feel that I'm being sufficated by groupliness, freindliness, and everything in between, so I either
a. Branch off
b. Leave all together

a. has only happened a few times; b. is much more reoccurant. Mostly, I think it has to do with my need to be independent and the fact that I always am placed in leadership roles because I've been told that I have that "presence of taking control" or something like that. I don't particularly enjoy being the leader but I don't detest it either; it's just that after a while being around the same people over and over again gets much too familiar.
 
Onyrica said:
Absolutly identify. Everywhere I've gone, everywhere I've been, everyone seems to like me, but not enough to fully include me - despite my often tries to fit in and force myself to blend in with them.
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Yes, yes and yes. I tried really hard to help people out at first, thinking they'd like me but it's mostly superficial. I feel as if I'm a cool person to be around if people are bored or have no alternative, but I'm just a distraction until they have their real friends around or whatever.
 
Wow, I believe I wrote a thread almost exactly as this one about feeling outside of yourself so of course I know what you're talking about. The thing is that it seems that we are very good at what we do(work, school, relationships) but we never think that of ourselves or worse yet we don't acknowledge our contribution to others. According to many people I'm one of their best friends because they say I have qualities that they don't see in others but I consider myself not worthy of those words because I believe I don't put my 100% effort. Maybe our standards are just too high.

You just have to think better of yourself and just realize that in the eyes of others you are great and trustworthy. Don't feel so detached from society but try to integrate yourself on those matters no matter how difficult it seems.
 
As far as being liked goes, I don't know how to gage it much. I dislike when Extroverted F types consider me on friendly terms with them, because they like a lot of physical touch and I prefer to keep as much distance as I possibly can. I have heard from singular friendships, outside of a group, that most people consider me as "an old person". Inside of a group, I have heard remarks from several people that I am "the serious one", "much more mature than I am" < that was said from the eldest of a group, eighteen years of age, and she was right--she was quite immature, "unemotional", "I feel like you push me away every time I think we get close and then we get close again and then you push me away", "extremely logical and non-sentimental" etc.
 
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Mhmm, I know how that is. Like, in school, my classmates acknowledge my existance and talk with me about... the weather? Basically, mundane things that don't hold much relevance. I've never been kept up to date with a situation until someone comes to me with a problem they want me to help out with something. It's like being an unwanted alien. Different, able to do things others really can't/won't, but not really accepted.

Don't get me wrong, though; it's nice to be kept out of the loop sometimes. I'd prefer to not get involved with the drama that comes with high school. But people drag me into it. They want me when things are bad or difficult, not when there's fun or a party to be had XD
 
Nausus said:
I share your pain, so to speak. I'm a little different though. I sort of sub-conciously chose to be out of the loop and be quiet so people don't have a reason to dislike me.

But, I think i know where you're coming from. I never seem to be "included in life" as such. I sort of watch everyone go about their business, chat or whatever and i'll just observe and keep to myself.
Click to expand...

I think I tend to keep people at arms length subconsciously too.
In not wanting to draw attention to myself, I unknowingly isolate myself.


Onyrica said:
Absolutly identify. Everywhere I've gone, everywhere I've been, everyone seems to like me, but not enough to fully include me - despite my often tries to fit in and force myself to blend in with them.

I wouldn't say I've given up on trying but the fact is that I'm kind of tired of running after people when people forget about me. So yeah, I do know what you mean~ ^^;

*Odd duck #2 says "quack!"*
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Quack, quack.

I am not meaning to sound like I want pity. "Oh poor me".
I have just found this board to be fascinating, and members here express some pretty deep shit that makes me think, and want to learn more about what makes me and others tick.
 
slant said:
As far as being liked goes, I don't know how to gage it much. I dislike when Extroverted F types consider me on friendly terms with them, because they like a lot of physical touch and I prefer to keep as much distance as I possibly can. I have heard from singular friendships, outside of a group, that most people consider me as "an old person". Inside of a group, I have heard remarks from several people that I am "the serious one", "much more mature than I am" < that was said from the eldest of a group, eighteen years of age, and she was right--she was quite immature, "unemotional", "I feel like you push me away every time I think we get close and then we get close again and then you push me away", "extremely logical and non-sentimental" etc.
Click to expand...


In reading some of your posts on this board, I have wonderd if you really are 16.

:thumb:
 
slant said:
As far as being liked goes, I don't know how to gage it much. I dislike when Extroverted F types consider me on friendly terms with them, because they like a lot of physical touch and I prefer to keep as much distance as I possibly can. I have heard from singular friendships, outside of a group, that most people consider me as "an old person". Inside of a group, I have heard remarks from several people that I am "the serious one", "much more mature than I am" < that was said from the eldest of a group, eighteen years of age, and she was right--she was quite immature, "unemotional", "I feel like you push me away every time I think we get close and then we get close again and then you push me away", "extremely logical and non-sentimental" etc.
Click to expand...

I think maybe people find me very serious and intense. I'm the logical one they come to with problems but they don't feel that I have the capability chill out or actually be human.
 
Yield said:
Yes, yes and yes. I tried really hard to help people out at first, thinking they'd like me but it's mostly superficial. I feel as if I'm a cool person to be around if people are bored or have no alternative, but I'm just a distraction until they have their real friends around or whatever.
Click to expand...

Exactly. Nothing to add because it's so (painfully) true... ^^;

And I'm not pitying you, MYH - I'm really being honest about this. If anything, I'm pitying myself~ xD

The thing is, I don't know why it happens in my case. I know that I tend to distance myself a bit from people, because the social interaction does drain me after a while. I do this every now and then and I wonder if that small detachment might make people reject me or push me out.

I've really not got a clue, because for what everything else is worth, I always try to be helpful, even when I wont receive anything from it (which is often the case, not even a thanks. I'm earning points to be a saint, see~)

I'm the logical one they come to with problems but they don't feel that I have the capability chill out or actually be human.
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Again, exactly. Get out of my head, you! D: (Or pay rent if you wanna stay!)
 
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Yield said:
I think maybe people find me very serious and intense. I'm the logical one they come to with problems but they don't feel that I have the capability chill out or actually be human.
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You don't want to be human. Trust me.

They all just talk about mudane things- pairing rituals, primping rituals, religious rituals, gossping rituals....

All of it is pretty boring.
 
Onyrica said:
I've really not got a clue, because for what everything else is worth, I always try to be helpful, even when I wont receive anything from it (which is often the case, not even a thanks. I'm earning points to be a saint, see~)
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I guess I'm always hanging on to the hope that if I just keep trying to help people, someone, somewhere will come down and give what I want in life!
 
MindYourHead said:
Throughout my life, I have often felt I was looking in at life from the outside.
Never feeling fully included in what is going on around me.
At work for example, I am a member of an organization, well liked as far as I know. I get along with everyone except the micro managing General Manager with whom I like to antagonize.
But, at the same time, I don't feel as though I am not a part of the group, the odd duck if you will.

Anyone else know what I mean? Have felt the same when in a social setting?

Is this primarily an INFJ trait?
Click to expand...

I do know what you're talking about - I have experienced it in a lot of ways, the most devastating of which has been an exclusion from the romantic relationships. I've felt like I really didn't belong anywhere: my classmates, my workplace, even my circle of friends.

But the good news is that recently I have learned a lot on how to deal with this problem. And it's not INFJ specific - most people suffer from it in various degrees. I'm thinking of posting a blog entry on this forum to discuss the issue in more detail.

The summary comes down to: this problem is created entirely by ourselves when we look at people as though they were not real. Every time we feel that it's them who are not worthy to associate with, who are dull, who are mistreating or rejecting us - in reality we are mistreating them just as the same. And because of that other people get the justification to treat us the way they are treating. If you stop doing it then relationships automatically improve. There is a complication however - most of the time we are not aware that we are creating this very problem that haunts us.

You can read all about it in an astounding book, that is now available for free online - Bonds That Make Us Free.
 
I used to feel like this. It was yet another feeling of mine that often corresponds to my very high standards, and links into the idea that if something not live up to my ideal, its not real. I realized that if I continued thinking and feeling this way, I knew I was never going to experience 'belonging' at any level.

I've misjudged so many of my past experiences like this. I thought I didn't belong, I thought I was the 'outsider,' I thought that nobody would remember me once everyone headed down their different paths. But as its been proved time and time again, that's not the case at all. I was fondly remembered and liked, and occassionally the least expected people would contact me after years and years, wondering why I never called or emailed. These were the folks I felt I never 'belonged' with, but here they were, seeking out my company.

I was just cutting myself up for no reason at all because it wasn't how I imagined 'belonging' should feel like. I realized that the happiest people, the ones I perceived as being the ones who 'belonged,' didn't agonize over this or analyze over what 'belonging' meant or if they 'belonged.' They just did their thing.

I personally think its just insecurities talking. INFJ's don't think, feel or process things the way the majority of people do, and we're more than acutely aware of this. We figure that people might notice this about us, and think we're 'weird' or 'strange.' It might actually cause us to pull back because we don't want to stand out as being too different for fear of being judged.
 
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