Balancing independence and closeness
- Thread starter Gaze
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Oooh! Relational Dialectics.
Balance it through talking it out honestly and respecting each others needs... by both people in the relationship being givers.. So and so gives a bit of space when the other needs it and the other gives a bit of their time when the other needs it. Compromise.
Balance it through talking it out honestly and respecting each others needs... by both people in the relationship being givers.. So and so gives a bit of space when the other needs it and the other gives a bit of their time when the other needs it. Compromise.
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Its difficult to tell someone to get lost because you need your own space without it coming off as rejection. I have gotten marginally better as I've gotten older. I do know that if the other person is an extrovert, that makes it 10 times more difficult to manage. However, I find that I have a weakness for extroverted men, so it becomes a bone of contention early on. If you can get past the whole "we are learning to be a couple thing" it doesn't become too big of an issue. It takes work, just like most things in life. When I was younger I wasn't able to be as honest about what I needed which made being with someone much harder. Nowadays, its like--ok, I like you and everything but I need some space.
When it is about 1 specific person I can actually spend quite a bit of time (of course that needs clarification) without much issue. If it is in close physical proximity, I don't mind being around them all day as long as I can focus on something else at times, such as reading.
Online, it depends on how busy I am and how well the conversation flows. If it is a situation where I am spending multiple hours a day talking for a long string of days, I start to get urges that I need some time to read and do my own thing, which may be hard to fit into the schedule otherwise. Other days I am perfectly content to spend the whole day with someone I like.
I have noticed that sometimes my Fe does kick in and I do feel lonely. The strange thing is that often only 1 or 2 different people can cure that loneliness. I am guessing that can be attributed to my own shortcomings I guess that is part of what makes me an introvert.
Perhaps with a different perspective I could find more enjoyment from more types of people.
Online, it depends on how busy I am and how well the conversation flows. If it is a situation where I am spending multiple hours a day talking for a long string of days, I start to get urges that I need some time to read and do my own thing, which may be hard to fit into the schedule otherwise. Other days I am perfectly content to spend the whole day with someone I like.
I have noticed that sometimes my Fe does kick in and I do feel lonely. The strange thing is that often only 1 or 2 different people can cure that loneliness. I am guessing that can be attributed to my own shortcomings I guess that is part of what makes me an introvert.
Perhaps with a different perspective I could find more enjoyment from more types of people.
I love this topic, and it's brought up some fascinating thoughts for me.
I've only dated 3 girls for a significant period of time. The first was mostly long distance so the only "crowding" was her desire to talk on the phone every. single. day.
The other two didn't last long enough for me to care that I was spending most of my time with them. For me, they were like an oasis and it was all 1on1 time, so I didn't care that I wasn't alone - they were both mature enough to enjoy just watching a movie quietly or just sit together.
I've only dated 3 girls for a significant period of time. The first was mostly long distance so the only "crowding" was her desire to talk on the phone every. single. day.
The other two didn't last long enough for me to care that I was spending most of my time with them. For me, they were like an oasis and it was all 1on1 time, so I didn't care that I wasn't alone - they were both mature enough to enjoy just watching a movie quietly or just sit together.
I have found that I need time away by myself though. No matter how much I like someone, even my own family, when I need to recharge, I need to be left alone. I like being able to be with someone and just be (not interacting) just fine but that isn't the same as just being able to let go of all the weight that comes with people. I find that being alone is the only true way to cut off my Ni and just allow myself to relax and find my balance again. Its like people make my Ni go "observe, observe, analyze, analyze, interpret, interpret" and the data and process become cumbersome to me after awhile and I just need a break. I have a high tolerance for interacting with others but my 40 minute drive to and from work really, really, really helps keep me balanced. There are times, when I am stressed, that I require more time. I also have highly developed sense of duty and responsibility that plays into the need for alone time too. So, being with someone requires me to be honest and tell them to get lost (not being mean here) and for them to understand that it is for everyone's best interest because I tend to get really bitchy if you push me in this area.
This is an interesting question, and I've been trying to figure out how to deal with this in my personal life as of recent too. My personal "fears" even of having to *think* of preserving my independence has to do with the uncomfortableness of being even an inch apart from someone I love. I'm not a clinger mind you, I'm just very affectionate and I like to be really intimate with the people I love. But at the same time, independence is an ingrained characteristic of mine as well.
In a relationship (a really good one where we just seem so in sync) I just want to get closer and closer, break down the walls and barriers. Ideally, I realize, I'd love to share a kind of oneness with my significant other. That's true love to me. But of course, that means being in sync with each other, loving each other deeply and being so close, but at the same time still recognizing the other's individuality. Deep love is always something that places the other even over your need and love to be with them. You love them so much, you want them to grow individually as a person as a priority.
You also need to be aware of your needs too, outside of your relationship no matter how consumed you may be. There may be dreams, aspirations that you want to accomplish...but being so close with someone may impede it from happening. You need to find a way to balance both.
In a relationship (a really good one where we just seem so in sync) I just want to get closer and closer, break down the walls and barriers. Ideally, I realize, I'd love to share a kind of oneness with my significant other. That's true love to me. But of course, that means being in sync with each other, loving each other deeply and being so close, but at the same time still recognizing the other's individuality. Deep love is always something that places the other even over your need and love to be with them. You love them so much, you want them to grow individually as a person as a priority.
You also need to be aware of your needs too, outside of your relationship no matter how consumed you may be. There may be dreams, aspirations that you want to accomplish...but being so close with someone may impede it from happening. You need to find a way to balance both.
this is something I have a lot of problems with.
I'm the sort of person who has always had to do things on my own in earlier life, so I'm finding it very hard to simply accept the fact that sometimes, partners can love you enough to do things for you. recently my fiance payed off all my outstanding debt, and I'm having a trouble overcoming my anger about that. I'm greatful, don't think i'm not, but i'm angry too. angry because I hate accepting gifts of this magnitude, because it's a reminder of how little I have compared to he who has it all....and it makes me feel pathetic and everyone around him feel that i'm in it for the money, whitch I'm not, since I didn't know he had any when I fell for him.
I'm also very touchy about how much I let people do for me physically. the most important thing to me in the whole world is being independent enough, and priving my independence to the world because of the fact that the world is full of so many ignorant people. I don't like people helping me with physical stuff because I'm worried about their motives, like if they are doing it because I have a physical disability, whitch is unacceptable to me, or if they're only doing it because they love me, whitch is still slightly unacceptable if it's in public, as I don't like other people seeing things being done for me that I do not need.
people in the world who seem to think that every disabled person is a dribbling idiot really need to take a step back and realise that most of their 'helpful' gestures are actually pointless little tasks that we can do for ourselves, and that it's not a good thing to 'help' someone if you also want to ask them a stupid question that's been nagging at them for a while, or demonstrate that they know all about disabled people because their grandmother went blind. that's what the internet is for.
case in point: some idiot yesterday opened a door for me, but failed to realise that I was going to open it myself and therefore opened it right into my hand, causing me to drop what I was carrying and hurt my hand.
so yeah, I have issues.
I'm the sort of person who has always had to do things on my own in earlier life, so I'm finding it very hard to simply accept the fact that sometimes, partners can love you enough to do things for you. recently my fiance payed off all my outstanding debt, and I'm having a trouble overcoming my anger about that. I'm greatful, don't think i'm not, but i'm angry too. angry because I hate accepting gifts of this magnitude, because it's a reminder of how little I have compared to he who has it all....and it makes me feel pathetic and everyone around him feel that i'm in it for the money, whitch I'm not, since I didn't know he had any when I fell for him.
I'm also very touchy about how much I let people do for me physically. the most important thing to me in the whole world is being independent enough, and priving my independence to the world because of the fact that the world is full of so many ignorant people. I don't like people helping me with physical stuff because I'm worried about their motives, like if they are doing it because I have a physical disability, whitch is unacceptable to me, or if they're only doing it because they love me, whitch is still slightly unacceptable if it's in public, as I don't like other people seeing things being done for me that I do not need.
people in the world who seem to think that every disabled person is a dribbling idiot really need to take a step back and realise that most of their 'helpful' gestures are actually pointless little tasks that we can do for ourselves, and that it's not a good thing to 'help' someone if you also want to ask them a stupid question that's been nagging at them for a while, or demonstrate that they know all about disabled people because their grandmother went blind. that's what the internet is for.
case in point: some idiot yesterday opened a door for me, but failed to realise that I was going to open it myself and therefore opened it right into my hand, causing me to drop what I was carrying and hurt my hand.
so yeah, I have issues.
This is a fantastic thread, I think an important part of this especially in romantic relationships is finding someone who is like you in this regard which I understand is problematic if you already have someone who isn't like you in that regard. I know for me personally I need alone time and by that mean ALL alone, not in a small group, not in a room with another silent person but really all alone. I know some people when they get involved in relationships want to be with the other person literally all the time and any sense of privacy is non-existent in those relationships. It's unfortunate to say but I think the only way to really have your needs fulfilled in these areas is to have a partner with similar needs.
It comes down to voicing your needs, and the way you do so. My closest friends are mostly extroverts, and it could be that's what conditioned me to voice my needs clearer and louder.
Conflicts usually arise from not understanding what you need, people not being clear when they say what they need, and having in your life people who are not prepared to respect your needs.
Conflicts usually arise from not understanding what you need, people not being clear when they say what they need, and having in your life people who are not prepared to respect your needs.
I can understand the importance of having a similar partner but sometimes what makes the relationship interesting is learning to be with someone who is quite different, and trying to figure out how to make it work.
Agree, that you have to verbalize your wants or needs, else someone is going to assume, and assume incorrectly. So, there has to be a willingness on both sides to be somewhat explicit about how much space or closeness they need.
I think is depends on how much of a dealbreaker the need for alone time is for you. I agree with [MENTION=3255]Sali[/MENTION] in the sense that my need requires me to be completely alone--no texting, no phoning either. It is hard because a lot of people don't understand the need to withdraw or assign some kind of negative connotation to wanting to be alone. I am all for being with someone who isn't very similar like [MENTION=1669]Rite[/MENTION] states too though. It is all a mixed bag and I think it is something that introverts really need to be able to verbalize to their partner. I would say that it is a much trickier issue at the beginning of the relationship when you are still feeling a bit iffy about how the other person will take your request. In the end, [MENTION=2300]Siamese cat[/MENTION] is right, you have to be able to communicate your needs.
With my INTJ husband there is similarity in our need for alone time... I am definitely the "clingier" of the two of us, though I try to be conscious of this and open about it (esp. during a certain week of the month). We've also found that it's nice sometimes to be "alone together" in that we can both be in the same room lost in our own little worlds (say playing different video games or reading)... this can be a nice balance of sensing the other near but giving space. I also find that often, after we've been out for the better part of the day, when we get home we will naturally separate and involve ourselves in our own quiet passtimes for a while.
I don't really require much alone time for myself. Perhaps because of the way I grew up, everyone was always around. However when it comes to relationships, I actually kind of feel I am needy in that respect. I do not think it is an acceptable characteristic and I definitely do not make it known as much as it bothers me. For me there are only a couple of people in my life that can actually fulfill that within me and I am trying to figure out a way to suffice in their absence. In my ideal situation I would be with those people as much as possible while we were all doing our own things together. I love the closeness I feel with people and I love working with them to achieve their goals and mine. I love to work toward something with the people I love. It really is what fulfills me to my core.
This is actually something I struggle with very regularly. I am glad someone brought it up.
This is actually something I struggle with very regularly. I am glad someone brought it up.