Are we "owed" a partner?

[Nixie]

There used to be a group on Reddit who called themselves "incels" or Involuntarily Celebite. I had never heard this term or group but apparently it is (mainly) men who feel ugly and that women won't give them time or attention. The incels talk very badly about woman and are angry because women do not want to have sex with them.

My question is whether or not you think just by being alive, you deserve a partner?

 

[Icedream]

Incels are a very interesting type of people. Because of the decisions they have made in their past, they have cut off any chance of a future relationship. Nearly every time I've seen an incel be offered a relationship, they actually lash out at whoever asked, cutting themselves off even more.

Now, to answer your question: I wouldn't say people "deserve" a partner, though I do believe every person needs one.

 

[Ginny]

No one is owed anything. There is no such thing as a divine contract with the universe that says you must have or are owed a partner. TBH, I have never heard of incels before.

Relationships are very complicated to describe. I don't think every person needs or even wants a partner, let alone deserves one. I think those are the people who only want to be in a relationship for the sake of having a relationship, and that is just plain wrong. You have to love the other person for it to be a successful relationship where you are both happy. (There are also other factors, but they don't relate to this thread.) Some people know they are capable under the right circumstances, but are unable to project this kind of positivity to their present state. Instead, they lament the present status and project it to their future, thus making themselves unattractive partners, personalitywise. I guess they claim they "deserve" someone, but in reality they don't believe it and thus don't allow themselves to attract a partner.

You have to have a certain capacity of love to be able to show to the outside, to let them know subliminally that you are ready for a partner. Question is, how do you do that when you don't have anyone or anything to love? It is a massive cliché, but you should be able to love yourself. Not in the lovey-dovey, sexual, mystical or esoteric way, but you must have made peace with yourself and the way you are. Because if you hate yourself, how are you going to convince others that you are worth the effort of loving you?

 

[Nixie]

Nice, thoughtful posts. I agree that we are not "owed" a partner

I find it very fascinating to see people express the idea they are owed sex and companionship. Some of the things I read from incels are men saying shit like it should be like the old days where a man could buy/get a woman from her father and the woman has no choice. Or how women should have the number of different penises she had in her vagina appear on her forehead. The main idea seems to be that it the woman's fault that they will not have sex with the incel and this justifies their anger and hatred toward women.

 

[Icedream]

I almost feel sad for people like that.
They have one bad experience, and they take it too personally. It hits them way too hard and changes their perspective on life. They meet other people like them, and circulate bad opinions and ideas. Ultimately, they're in a cycle of burying themselves deeper and deeper and deeper.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

If others don't want what you have to offer, you can't blame anyone but yourself for not going through the work it takes to be valuable.

 

[Pin]

My question is whether or not you think just by being alive, you deserve a partner?

No. I say regularly: we've all got to offer people reasons to want our romantic company. Whether these reasons are superficial (muscles, money, status, appearance) or noble (personality, shared interests, etc) aren't relevant to what is factually the case.

We all want the best possible partners for us.

 

[Wyote]

They meet other people like them, and circulate bad opinions and ideas.

"the internet"

 

[Pin]

If others don't want what you have to offer, you can't blame anyone but yourself for not going through the work it takes to be valuable.

Self-Improvement is my meaning of life.

 

[Icedream]

Self-Improvement is my meaning of life.

I feel the same way

 

[Misadventure]

My question is whether or not you think just by being alive, you deserve a partner?

I think you have to be deserving of a partner in order to not just have one, but keep one.

Nice, thoughtful posts. I agree that we are not "owed" a partner

I find it very fascinating to see people express the idea they are owed sex and companionship. Some of the things I read from incels are men saying shit like it should be like the old days where a man could buy/get a woman from her father and the woman has no choice. Or how women should have the number of different penises she had in her vagina appear on her forehead. The main idea seems to be that it the woman's fault that they will not have sex with the incel and this justifies their anger and hatred toward women.

Yeah, one too many rejections then the problem automatically lies on the prospective partner, not on themselves. Idiots. I find this in both men and women, when they blame everyone else for no one liking them, anger and hatred towards their gender of choice then happens. It is really sad, as some have pointed out, because that just ensures they will always be single. I do find that men post online about it more than women, though. They aren't owed shit and they lose the ability to feel nothing but inadequate without seeing their own flaws in it.

 

[ZcM4xzkjgzCjytBc]

If others don't want what you have to offer, you can't blame anyone but yourself for not going through the work it takes to be valuable.

To add to this, I think people are selfish by default, not valuable. It takes deliberate work and energy to build value.

 

[invisible]

I agree, bitterness is a choice... a maladaptive choice, not just for intimate relationships but for other aspects of life.

But I think that not everyone can develop this kind of market value. The market is not necessarily fair and doesn't necessarily reward hard work. I'm not saying that people shouldn't work to develop their life, for other rewarding reasons... But it's not always their fault whether someone will love them or not. Life can be cruel.

 

[Icedream]

Fair enough.

 

[Madgirl143]

I am actually surprised by the comments that have been made. I really didn't think they'd be such backlash toward incels. Then it became a backlash on every bitter person out there who thinks they deserved to be loved.

I think that people are not owed a partner but I think that everyone has their special someone if only they look hard enough. These incels probably had their hearts broken and they are dealing with it the way they know how to. If it's mostly men, maybe they just don't understand how to express their emotions and therefore get desperate to be heard. Desperate people do desperate things, I'm not saying it's right to be so outwardly bitter, but I think it's also not okay to judge people before knowing their back story.

As for those who think that you have to be valuable to find a partner, what constitutes a valuable partner. Who are you to say that someone else doesn't deserve a life of happiness. Not everyone has the means to improve themselves and some people are not aware. Some have disabilities and mental illnesses so does that mean they don't deserve a partner because they'll never be normal. If I have small boobs, should I then use all the plastic surgery in the world so that someone can value me?

Relationships are not all about love, there are different types of love. Using people is not great, but don't feel bitter when you can't get the love you want from a person because they just don't have the capacity to love. People don't have to be perfect to find a partner, yes self love goes a long way but it's not like that for everyone.

 

[Wyote]

Relationships are not all about love, there are different types of love.

I think people are generally answering based on their own personal criteria and interpretation, which is beneficial to them personally.
Love is a different thing to different people at different times. Some people may believe that if they work hard they will improve their chances while others may believe that it is simply a matter of kismet. You can't really disagree with either option, they both could potentially play a role or neither one could have anything to do with it. Proximity is the best indicator of forming a lasting relationship. But people find one another from across the globe too.

Figure yourself out, figure out what yourself needs, ask the world for it. Maybe you'll get it in the form of another person, maybe you'll get lemons.

 

[Madgirl143]

I think people are generally answering based on their own personal criteria and interpretation, which is beneficial to them personally.
Love is a different thing to different people at different times. Some people may believe that if they work hard they will improve their chances while others may believe that it is simply a matter of kismet. You can't really disagree with either option, they both could potentially play a role or neither one could have anything to do with it. Proximity is the best indicator of forming a lasting relationship. But people find one another from across the globe too.

Figure yourself out, figure out what yourself needs, ask the world for it. Maybe you'll get it in the form of another person, maybe you'll get lemons.

What, are you saying that I'm judging them based on my experience with love? Because that's not what I meant. I understand that they are all basing it on their personal experiences but that doesn't make it "fact". I wasn't disagreeing, I was merely stating my opinion based on the thread and what everyone had said. I'm not saying I'm right and they're wrong, just adding my side.

Figure yourself out, figure out what yourself needs, ask the world for it. Maybe you'll get it in the form of another person, maybe you'll get lemons.

I'm sorry, is that directed to me?

 

[Wyote]

@Madgirl143 No I wasn't speaking to you specifically, sorry I realize I quoted you but I was also just adding my own interpretation of things. I meant it as more general advice for everyone, from my perspective.

Basically, I was just trying to confirm this from you which I now have:

I understand that they are all basing it on their personal experiences but that doesn't make it "fact". I wasn't disagreeing, I was merely stating my opinion based on the thread and what everyone had said. I'm not saying I'm right and they're wrong, just adding my side.

 

[Nixie]

There isn't anything nice or redeeming about the "incels". They express hatred for women and the opinion that "femoids" are a curse. Some comments range from, rape is not as bad as being an incel and a women should be glad some guy wants to fuck her against her will to the idea that getting a young 11 year old and training her right is the best option.

People who embrace this "incel" ideology aren't puppies who got spanked with big ol sad eyes who have to be rescued. These men have made a choice to direct their anger outward in a nasty, ugly way. One incel poster talked about how he liked to start following a woman on the street to make her nervous and start walking faster because it forced that woman to pay attention to him. As long as he didn't rape her, it was ok and other incels should do this to women,

The whole idea behind this disgusting incel movement is that the incel deserves to fuck and have a relationship, Hence, the question.

I suggest you to Google incels and read some of the sick shit they post before you draw your "blade of justice" and walk into the fray. @Madgirl143

 

[Reason]

There used to be a group on Reddit who called themselves "incels" or Involuntarily Celebite. I had never heard this term or group but apparently it is (mainly) men who feel ugly and that women won't give them time or attention. The incels talk very badly about woman and are angry because women do not want to have sex with them.