Thank you. The saga continues. I actually don't think I was explaining myself well. I never 'conspired to convice her' as you put it. But you must realise that people often don't make the best choices for themselves (no I don't assume I know best). If she doesn't feel the same, her actions will mirror that., but the TF experiences I have been learning about are not typical romance stories. Normal rules don't apply other than consent and respect etc. Relationships are a dynamic, so nothing is black and white. We can influence them, for better or worse, as they can us. 'What will be will be' ultimately. But if TF theory is right, and we are that, she probably/certainly won't find anyone else like me, nor I her. AND she will probably be suffering in some way like me. If I'm wrong about TF, then she probably won't be suffering, although her overreaction is unusual. Worst case for me is she can see the sadness in me, and finds that hard to be around, due to her own sensitivity. She definitely liked my attraction/attention to her at some points, but this can be repellant if it comes across as desperate/needy. That could cause her discomfort as well as TF ego stuff. She probably doesn't know TF theory, so discomfort due to that would just be put down as lack of attraction. This is why TF thing can be so confusing, as there are big ups and downs to attraction. That I have sensed from her. I know she has felt something positive towards me. It's a battle between the mind and soul. Her last and only text to me means I will make no moves in her direction. I do respect what she says, I have to. But this story might not end there. Or it might. We'll see. I am genuinely objectively intrigued as to what happens, even though my happiness and mental state are highly impacted either way. I guess this is the INFJ being logical and emotionally analytical and keen to objectively understand. I find it hard to feel such lack of control, but it is what it is.
Love is indefinable, as is the merging fo 2 souls. If we only see it in terms of power and/or needs/wants, I think we are missing the point. The TF thing seems to me from what I have been hearing (and experiencing) to be more a spiritual thing than a romantic one, although it can be that too. Our souls crave company or understanding, whatever you want to call it. My current experience is new to me, and can only be understood through experience. I'm still in the dark wrt her feelings or lack of them. What a person says is not always true. She could be in denial or scared. I don't know, nor does anyone else except her. All I know is I'm going through the strangest time of my life. I feel like I've spent years asleep or half-awake. A new level of experience is now opened up to me, such that many day to day things seem more trivial than ever. A feeling of deep loneliness follows and haunts me. It's like a combination of sensing the amazing possibilities in life with the feeling that I might never get to realise them, or my sanity depends on finding some new level of existence for myself which can give me some peace and contentment. Maybe it is like having experienced a powerful drug and craving more. What this looks like to most people is not what it is. It seems my life has changed forever. I've been awakened into a kind of new discomfort. Sleeping and eating are disrupted, my thoughts often race. Many symptoms mirror depression. I think that's mixed in with it tbh. What I am going through it real and not made up. It's nothing I have ever experienced before by a long shot. There are good and bad sides to it, but overall most people would probably rather not experience it imo. It's like being a sad alien. It may be worse for an INFJ because we are highly sensitive and already suffer from alienation, and this situation makes that worse. I'm trying to find words for it, which is hard, but it's like having feelings which are so intense, it's hard to handle and there is a desire for others to know what I am feeling. I think seeing her has triggered feelings of deep sadness which I have had for a long time, and seeing her is a reminder of what I have been missing (and may continue to do so). That's hard. You could think I am expecting too much from a relationship, but it's more the lack of any or good ones which I crave, not necessarily the expectation she could 'save' me, although a good relationship probably could just make me deeply happy. Imagine that? A happy INFJ! Try spending decades alone, and then tell me you don't 'need' a relationship.
