When are parents justified in hitting children? | INFJ Forum

When are parents justified in hitting children?

Discussion in 'Psychology and MBTI' started by Satya, May 19, 2010.

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  1. Satya

    Satya C'est la vie
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    In what circumstances would you say a parent is justified in hitting their child? To what extent can a child be physically disciplined? Spanking? Belting? Slapping? Striking? How hard is a parent justified in striking their child?
     
  2. DoveAlexa

    DoveAlexa Chaz's Lovey Bunny
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    You can hit him if its comming at you with a knife, is about to shoot someone with a gun, is about to jump over a ledge to his or her death. Basically, emergencies where lives are at stake. Falling upon violence just means that your children don't respect you enough to listen to your words.
     
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  3. Gaze

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    Well, if a child is reaching for a dangerous object or about engage in a physically dangerous activity, and explaining the reason why it is not a good choice or option, including describing the negative consequences to their actions, is not working then a smack on the hand or attempt to restrain them may make them think twice.
     
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  4. testing

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    Justified in hitting a child?

    Never, really... :m075: Usually hitting is just a parental temper-tantrum.

    I suppose a slap on the hand or the bottom can get a message across, but it is not really justifiable exactly.

    Well... I guess it isn't necessarily harmful if you feel you must, but to justify something you have to say "This was deserved and just and fair." I'm not sure hitting is ever deserved and just and fair. Unless maybe someone is beating you up and you have to stop them, and small children rarely attack parents.

    What do you think? Define justifiable.

    To what extent can a child be physically disciplined? Restraining them is okay, I think, if they are doing harm to you, themselves, or others. (Does that count?)
     
  5. bamf

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    I think restraint is applicable when the child is in danger, or endangering someone else. However, I don't think any real physical punishment should ever be used. If the intention is to make the child hurt (be is superficial or actual), the child won't learn much and you've already lost. Children have the ability to understand reason, and respect a parent more when the parent shows them some level of respect. Hitting a kid won't set them straight, other than maybe making them fear you. They haven't learned not to do something because it's wrong, but rather because they are scared of you. These kids are often the ones who then go and hit their own children someday, because that's their experience of what it means to be a parent.
     
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  6. TinyBubbles

    TinyBubbles anarchist

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    depends on context. physical violence should probably only be used as a last resort, but that's not to say it's never appropriate - who knows, maybe in one particular situation you couldn't get through to the kid in any other way, and the means really did justify the end. for example if a toddler continually sticks his finger in an electrical socket, maybe smacking him lightly on the hand (obviously not hard, but enough to cause him to associate the socket with being hit) would be enough to prevent a greater injury. not disciplining a child might result in a much bigger problem later on, though instinctively i feel there should be better ways than simply hitting them. kids grow up, they remember that stuff - it'll leave psychological scars if it's used to often or if it's very severe, which creates a whole new set of issues.
     
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  7. testing

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    P.S. And it sure as hell is NOT justifiable because you think he might be gay, or because he tried on your bra or likes pink and purple.

    Was that why you asked?
     
  8. Gaze

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    This^^^^. Not disciplining a child at all or enough has it's own serious consequences later on in adulthood.
     
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  9. testing

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    Yep, I agree with both you and May.

    Rarely or never, though, does discipline require hitting. (I know this is a controversial subject) Mostly it requires Patience! :pray2: Lots of it.
     
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  10. DoveAlexa

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    Another one would be if he's pretending to be a Nazi. Seriously, if you don't someone else will.

    I have a friend at work who does that, so I smack him.
     
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  11. Gaze

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    It was normal to receive corporal punishment growing up. Let me say, much of it was over the top and seriously abusive when i think back on it, but at the same time, some of it taught me self control and self discipline. I won't argue that it is good or acceptable if it is used too often or rigidly. But I don't support the idea that corporal punishment is absolutely wrong or bad.
     
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  12. 88chaz88

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    I was smacked by my Dad (albeit very rarely, probably only 3 times in my life) and probably grew up with more respect for him than most teenagers have for their parents altogether.

    Not saying there's a correlation though.
     
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  13. DoveAlexa

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    Thanks to spankings I now cringe whenever I'm within a few feet of my father, and seriously weary when we are in the same room. Hes perfectly nice and pleasant at all times, but the fear and effect of childhood punishing never goes away. It didn't improve my character as a person any either. Just made me into a ninja about everything.
     
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  14. Puck

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    Never. Physical violence committed against children is an abomination. There are other, more effective ways to introduce discipline and promote safety. Violence is the tool of the oppressor. There is no love behind it, only fear. Often, I suspect, fear of appearing to be a bad parent in the eyes of those around at the time. Even if it is "well intentioned", it is wrong, and does only harm, causing pain, humiliation and promoting violence as acceptable means to attain an end, which sets the child up to repeat this pattern in their own interactions in life. There are only a handful of things I have a very strong opinion about, and this is one of them.
     
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  15. TinyBubbles

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    i'm really sorry to hear that.

    my father never hit me, and these days he's far more mellow, but growing up his inability to hide his utter disappointment in me whenever i did something wrong really affected me. to this day i'm terrified of disappointing him, probably BECAUSE he'd be so open minded about it. it's like, if he hit me, then at least it'd be over.. but living with lingering guilt is much harder.
     
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  16. slant

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    I do not believe that, especially with young children, spankings or any sort of negative form of physical punishments are appropriate. I believe that there are healthier ways to discipline children that will allow them to learn the same lessons without the trauma associated with spankings. If a child will not listen without spankings, there is a good chance that they have a neurological disorder and need to have a doctor check up. This statement isn't to be rude; it is just merely a fact. I have known plenty of young parents who have been so frustrated with their four year old boy running around and getting into things and not listening that they revert to spanking because NOTHING ELSE works. A lot of times this is a sign of ADHD or other cognitive function disorders that make it really hard for a kid to sit still, hence they play too roughly with other children or are constantly climbing up on things in hyperactivity.

    After a routine doctor check, I would definitely take some parenting classes. For each age group there are different ways to train a kid and teach them that some things are not okay; every kid is different and you might have to be slightly creative to learn what works for them, but once you have found the right method it usually won't change much for the span of that child's life. You might have to up it from 'if you dont do this you lose your barbies' to 'if you dont do this you lose your driving privileges' as they get older, but, if that method works as a child it will usually work all up until adulthood.
     
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  17. DoveAlexa

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    It would help a lot if taking classes for parenting was normal anyways. Raising a kid isn't an innate skill. Also, a child use to be raised by a community, and now we stick a family in a box and tell them to figure it all out for themselves.
     
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    I kind of like to stay out of the moral issues of whether corporal punishment (not abuse) is acceptable, i would rather ask, is it even effective?

    And the answer is no. When you hit your kid, it has to be almost as they are doing the deed that warrants them getting punished. Otherwise they associate it with the person doing it, instilling fear instead of moral guidelines.
     
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  19. TinyBubbles

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    this is a good point. i think if you're going to hit your kid you should make damn clear that they know why they're being hit, and what exactly they need to do to prevent it next time, so they don't confuse the punishment with the punishER. (is that just a horrible way of justifying a cruel act? this is a tough issue).
     
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  20. slant

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    A lot of times, when a child is taught in childhood that doing something will get them hit, they will not avoid doing it but will begin to lie. This can cause a person to lie in order to avoid consequences; 'telling the person what they want to hear' and it can extend into adulthood. While consequences are supposed to be firm and reenforced, scaring your children does not help because it lessens their trust in you.

    Less trust in a parental relationship, in studies, has proven that a child will be more likely to engage in illegal drugs, violence and sexualy activity without their parents' awareness in early adolescents. It's important to try to keep your trust with your children and at the same time not be overly leniant. Punishments and clear boundaries are very important; statisically these two things alone have been proven to reduce drug usage in teenagers. So it's always very important to pay attention to the way your punishments are affecting trusts, and to make sure your child knows WHY they are being punished, your reasoning behind it, and the reason the boundaries are there where they are.

    For little kids, I believe it helps them when they get to the age of about 3 or 4, if you explain that the reason there are certain boundaries (like not touching power outlets) is because it could hurt them and that it is very dangerous! Explaining it in metaphor, like maybe a time where they tripped and fell and had an owie, that is pretty much what you are trying to prevent them from getting hurt again, will help. Children can understand a lot more than we credit them to understanding, and if you explain things accurately in the most simplified terms usually they will understand it, and when they get to a play age, it's cute because they will share the information with their peers protectively to try to keep them safe as well.
    Yeah, I think it is also important to try to build a network of people to help you, if possible. If you know you are going to have a child, the best time to start this is in the pregnancy stages. There seems to be, maybe this is just where I live, a lot of sorts of 'clubs' where neighborhood couples take turns watching the children. Now this can be a lot of work if you already have multiple kids and you have to be especially wary of who you leave your kids with, but for the most part these little close-nit groups can help a great deal, usually, they are also pretty much free, other than the time they cost you when it is your turn to watch the kids. If you attend a church there is probably also a similar system you can set up there.

    If you are a student a lot of times colleges have children daycares you can drop them off at while you go to school; I've even seen pre-schools in high schools before so this is helpful if you have older kids, or it is nearby your work or on the way to/home.

    Family is also important, taking advantage of younger cousins and siblings is easy to do as well, especially if they are from 14-17 and need extra money, you offer them twenty bucks and often times you can get away with leaving your children there for an entire day and night (especially if you bring food for the child to eat, toys to play with, etc. they should already have an overnight bag made and put next to the door in case you need to go somewhere quickly. Or you could keep one in the car, just make sure to remember to check the supplies and not leave food in there that can expire).
     
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