What is a normal amount of jealousy or control in a relationship?

M

Marshmellow0103

Newbie
MBTI
INFJ
I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
 
My objective answer is this: There is no such thing as normal. There is only how much you are willing to give in to and give up for the relationship.

As for me personally, trust is the most important thing, and being prohibited from having friends, even of only a certain group, is a form of mistrust. Your BF might say that he does trust you but not them, as "men are unable to be friends with women", but I consider this a load of bull. This kind of thing goes both ways.

My father systematically kept my mother from having any friends, which also kept her from developing a safety net of support when shit hit the fan. So perhaps I am overly sensitive towards this kind of thing.
 
Ginny said:
My objective answer is this: There is no such thing as normal. There is only how much you are willing to give in to and give up for the relationship.

As for me personally, trust is the most important thing, and being prohibited from having friends, even of only a certain group, is a form of mistrust. Your BF might say that he does trust you but not them, as "men are unable to be friends with women", but I consider this a load of bull. This kind of thing goes both ways.

My father systematically kept my mother from having any friends, which also kept her from developing a safety net of support when shit hit the fan. So perhaps I am overly sensitive towards this kind of thing.
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That makes a lot of sense... my “guy friends” were guys I talked to online and never actually met (language learning partners) so I could kind of understand why he didn’t trust them though.
For work, I tutor adults in one on one lessons (including males) so he was worried about it but didn’t stop me from getting the job, saying he trusted me, but because of us having relationship issues for a while I ended up betraying him and going out with one of my students and lying about it (I didn’t even touch the guy, so no kissing or sex, but I still feel really bad about it.)
He has abandonment issues already and I feel like I’ve been really cruel to him...
 
A little control is normal. I mean, he can't have you run astray during mating season -- now, that is! "Jealousy" isn't the right word exactly.

Over a century ago, only a property-owning man could vote; a man stakes his claim and defends it. Because he claimed you, it's his responsibility to steer you away from marauders.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse. What are your opinions on this?
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I think it's pretty normal to expect your significant other to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. After all, nobody is trying to get cucked. Shit is wild in the smartphone era.

These hoes (and bros) ain't loyal.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
That makes a lot of sense... my “guy friends” were guys I talked to online and never actually met (language learning partners) so I could kind of understand why he didn’t trust them though.
For work, I tutor adults in one on one lessons (including males) so he was worried about it but didn’t stop me from getting the job, saying he trusted me, but because of us having relationship issues for a while I ended up betraying him and going out with one of my students and lying about it (I didn’t even touch the guy, so no kissing or sex, but I still feel really bad about it.)
He has abandonment issues already and I feel like I’ve been really cruel to him...
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The issues I can understand. But I wouldn't let myself suffer being someone's possession. I am a free spirit, and the person I'd be with should recognise this. This has also to do with me being strictly monogamous. I'd never side-step or anything unless the relationship is considered over. And even then, timing is very important. I wouldn't know if I were able to have sex with another person until way after the previous relationship was terminated. Call me a demisexual with a harsh sense of judgement.
 
Marshmellow0103 said:
I’m an INFJ, and my ENTP boyfriend and I have been together for over 2 years. Sometimes he can be pretty controlling and jealous. He didn’t like for me to have male friends, so I cut off all of my male friends about a year into our relationship because it was causing a lot of arguments. of course I have to talk to males at work, and male family members, and he doesn’t mind that, and doesn’t mind me spending time with my girl friends and family instead of spending time with him.
A lot of my friends said their boyfriends wouldn’t let them talk to other guys either, but I’ve also heard it was too controlling and a sign of abuse.
What are your opinions on this?
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You're an adult human being, with the right to whichever friends you choose.

If he wants you to limit your (platonic) contact with other men, that is his issue, not yours. There is no "normal" here - it's whatever the two of you are willing to put up with. Personally, I find the imposition of such rules to be controlling and thus undesirable. My experience is that controlling behavior doesn't get "better" or less onerous over time. Your mileage may vary.

Pin said:
I think it's pretty normal to expect your significant other to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. After all, nobody is trying to get cucked. These hoes (and bros) ain't loyal.
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Sure. Insecurity takes many forms, and most everyone is guilty of it in one way or another.
 
I don’t think it’s healthy to tell your partner who they can and can’t be friends with. That being said everyone has the potential to feel jealous at some point in a relationship. I have a few male aqaintences that I do not socialize with in person because it would be awkward. Online I have a few male friends I message with and it’s platonic.

If you’re feeling like your bf is controlling you it will only get worse. My advice is to break things off and move on.
 
Pin said:
I think it's pretty normal to expect your significant other to limit contact with members of the opposite sex. After all, nobody is trying to get cucked. These hoes (and bros) ain't loyal.
Click to expand...

A man's greatest legacy is his offspring. Eventually, he may allow her to remove the chastity belt for an hour or so on a sweltering day. @Marshmellow0103 , remember...patience! And keep yourself fresh. No one wants a dried-up slimy marshmellow.
 
Happy Phantom said:
I don’t think it’s healthy to tell your partner who they can and can’t be friends with. That being said everyone has the potential to feel jealous at some point in a relationship. I have a few male aqaintences that I do not socialize with in person because it would be awkward. Online I have a few male friends I message with and it’s platonic.

If you’re feeling like your bf is controlling you it will only get worse. My advice is to break things off and move on.
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Feminazi :popo:
 
Lurk said:
A man's greatest legacy is his offspring. Eventually, he may allow her to remove the chastity belt for an hour or so on a sweltering day. @Marshmellow0103 , remember...patience! And keep yourself fresh. No one wants a dried-up slimy marshmellow.
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Yup. Men want to spread their seed everywhere. They’re the worst!

Lurk said:
Feminazi :popo:
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Been there, done that. Never again. Ladies/men find yourselves a mature INTP and you’ll live happily ever after.
 
So, your relationship is shaky and you went out with someone else. He feels like you cheated on him and don't trust you with other men anymore, and now you wonder where to go from here. Did I get that right?
 
Pin said:
Ridiculous. Partners hold one another to standards in healthy-relationships. Also, jealousy is often justified, that's a sign that we need to improve ourselves.
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On whose part?
 
Is this the only way he is controlling? Does he make you get rid male friends on social media or was his problem with you hanging out with them alone? Does he spy on you? Does he look through your phone?
 
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