What Does It Mean to "Cheat?"

subwayrider

subwayrider

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What does it mean to cheat in a relationship? Where do you set that boundary between fidelity and infidelity? The Western status-quo seems to stress, above all, the physical act. I have to ask: why? I and everyone I know, we all go off this conception of cheating. Isn't it an arbitrary and thus meaningless parameter?
In the King James Bible, Jesus says:

27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.​

- Matthew 5:27-28​
There is also the concept of the "emotional affair:"

"A relationship between a person and someone other than (their) spouse (or lover) that has an impact on the level of intimacy, emotional distance and overall dynamic balance in the marriage. The role of an affair is to create emotional distance in the marriage."[1]

In this view, neither sexual intercourse nor physical affection is necessary to impact the committed relationship(s) of those involved in the affair. It is theorized that an emotional affair can injure a committed relationship more than a one night stand or other casual sexual encounters.[2]
It seems to be statistically true that extraverts are, under the status-quo, more likely to cheat. Obviously, to physically cheat requires the presence of at least one other person -- extraverts are generally better at being involved with people than introverts.

But I say unto thee: if our current, mainstream conception of cheating encompassed or were fully comprised of the act of fantasizing about another person, would introverts not take the cake?

If an emotional affair is so much more potentially damaging, why do we stress the physical act so much?

Where do you set that boundary?

What does it mean to "cheat?"​
 
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A good friend of mine told me that he considers cheating to be "anything that you wouldn't do in front of your boyfriend/girlfriend."
 
Imo cheating is when your relationship with someone takes on a romantic or sexual quality. I think that our culture places more emphasis on physical cheating, simply because it's easier to clearly define cheating using this form of evidence. It's much harder to quanitify levels of emotional intimacy or "creating distance between you and your partner".
 
Good question. I've always wondered if romantic/sexual fantasies are a form of infidelity or a sign that you're not happy in your current relationship.
 
Lemonworld said:
Good question. I've always wondered if romantic/sexual fantasies are a form of infidelity or a sign that you're not happy in your current relationship.
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I think it just means we're all obsessed with sex.

After you've had sex with someone for the first time, the novelty automatically wears off -- for your brain. The more diverse the genetic material we draw from, the better adapted offspring will be for survival.

I learned this from: http://yourbrainonporn.com/

But, in linear fashion, that logically leads into...sex being just another impulse -- and a strong one, at that. Is it really such a terrible thing to slip and have sex with someone else out of the blue?

Such an occurrence is more an honest accident than establishing emotional intimacy with another, albeit without any physical contact, over a period of time. Seeing as establishing intimacy is a deliberate and consistent process, I'm inclined to see that as a truer form of cheating than to succumb, in the heat of the moment, to very strong constitutional instincts.

And yet, most members of Western society would probably find themselves loathe to forgive a partner engaging in the physical act with another over simply talking to another, no matter how profoundly intimate the conversation.
 
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There is an intimacy to sex which is personal and private, something about the experience which makes people not feel comfortable thinking it's great if the person they're with shares that with someone else. It's the feeling of being wanted and being the only person wanted by the person you want or love in that way. So, the physical act is never really just an act. It will always symbolize something more than physical even if it is temporary, to one or both partners. So, that's why having sex outside of a committment to someone will feel like cheating, because it hurts that a partner is giving of themselves in a particular way whether mind, body, or spirit, or all three to someone who is not the person they've made a committment to even if the committment is just emotional.
 
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There are different facets to your question: physical, lawful, and spiritual. I think often times we fail to look at the bigger picture from where these definitions were inspired.

Look at it from this perspective: Those who have defined the word "cheat" are usually those who have suffered. Out of their suffering they attempt to place restriction on those who may have a different viewpoint. I think one huge issue is the fear that we do not know what is going on in our partner's heads. We each live within our own little world ... such like all introverts. Judaism is not the first religious social contract, however it came into being when Israelites were living in a time when morality was skewed. I think the reason the Bible is telling you that lusting after someone is adultery in the heart is because reality can be created from obsession. Eventually you will physically want that which you desire. This is the process by which you are creating an attachment. Which brings me to the spiritual concept ...

The Bible is teaching us how to be like God (except in the erotic literature of Psalms.) That's an impossible feat for 99.9% of the people on this earth. Cheating is one form of attachment. In order to be like God, you have to give up ALL your attachments. Teaching a moral code is one way we are taught to have an internal judge ... that judge meaning you will have to answer to your actions within your own heart and God ... which basically circles right back around to the definitions of words.

As for my personal self, I will think as I wish and as long as it is not hurting anyone ... those thoughts are between me and God ... not me and my partner. Do thoughts of lusting after someone signify unhappiness? I think the KEY is whether or not the lust you carry has created an attachment. If it hasn't, it isn't lust ... it's just playing out a fantasy in your head so you can orgasm quicker. :D
 
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I'd like to throw emotional cheating into the mix. This is when you have feelings for someone other than your partner and probably that someone likes you back and you go out of your way to spend a lot of time with them, even under the context of normal friendship, just to spend more time with them.
 
One could say that love and everything to do with it only exists as an evolutionary way for a man and woman to securely stay together to have sex and raise young. If a man in a committed relationship has sex with another woman, that man would have less resources to offer his original mate and the children she's borne him in the case that he has more potential children to support borne by the woman he cheated with. If a woman in a committed relationship has sex with another man, either her original mate will have less of a chance that the resulting offspring that he will be helping to raise are his own, or she will in any case have less resources to offer solely to raising the children of her original mate. Evolutionarily speaking, the currency of sex is of utmost importance within a romantic bond. It's the very reason for romantic bonds evolving in the first place.

It should make perfect sense that when our partners engage in sexual acts with other people, it makes us very sad. This is a very natural, visceral response to have.
 
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niffer said:
One could say that love and everything to do with it only exists as an evolutionary way for a man and woman to securely stay together to have sex and raise young. If a man in a committed relationship has sex with another woman, that man would have less resources to offer his original mate and the children she's borne him in the case that he has more potential children to support borne by the woman he cheated with. If a woman in a committed relationship has sex with another man, either her original mate will have less of a chance that the resulting offspring that he will be helping to raise are his own, or she will in any case have less resources to offer solely to raising the children of her original mate. Evolutionarily speaking, the currency of sex is of utmost importance within a romantic bond. It's the very reason for romantic bonds evolving in the first place.

It should make perfect sense that when our partners engage in sexual acts with other people, it makes us very sad. This is a very natural, visceral response to have.
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Part of this process is a result from old heir laws as well. Even where I live in the state of Georgia, if you are not married at the time a child is born that child is still considered illegitimate. This prevented the father from having to give part of his estate to bastard children ... including the children he fathered with his slaves.
 
Cheating is doing something that person B feels is reserved for them only. The emphasis on the physical act because people are afraid to get STDs and no one wants to take care of the other persons child. Emotional affairs dont seem to be as big a deal because they arent leading to disease and children, but they could be the precursor or both of those things; emotions are easier to deny due to their non-concrete nature is another reason they arent a big deal.

i think a lot of times this is all based on an assumption of both parties following the status quo so when someone cheats, it wasn't really a cheat because there is no agreement before hand.
 
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i don't use the term 'cheating' when referring to infidelity because a relationship isn't a game.
no one owns your body or your sexuality. only you can decide what you will do with those things. if you have agreed to monogamy then it's a matter of being true to your word.
if you go back on your word then it says volumes about you as a trustworthy person, and that includes anything you agree upon, not just your sexual exploits.
 
Genuine said:
There is an intimacy to sex which is personal and private, something about the experience which makes people not feel comfortable thinking it's great if the person they're with shares that with someone else. It's the feeling of being wanted and being the only person wanted by the person you want or love in that way. So, the physical act is never really just an act. It will always symbolize something more than physical even if it is temporary, to one or both partners. So, that's why having sex outside of a committment to someone will feel like cheating, because it hurts that a partner is giving of themselves in a particular way whether mind, body, or spirit, or all three to someone who is not the person they've made a committment to even if the committment is just emotional.
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Actually, all of what you said is just your conception of sex.

Some people really are just DTF.
 
JGirl said:
if you have agreed to monogamy then it's a matter of being true to your word.
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That is true, but I wonder if a lot of people are just unfairly pressured into it.

NOTE: there are perhaps more forces at work in the above than could possibly be fathomed.
 
[MENTION=4717]subwayrider[/MENTION]
as far as i'm concerned, there is no such thing as being unfairly pressured into something.
you decide. always. pressure is only what you allow. if you allow the other person to pressure you than you have in fact given your permission and therefore there is nothing unfair about that agreement.
 
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JGirl said:
as far as i'm concerned, there is no such thing as being unfairly pressured into something.
you decide. always. pressure is only what you allow. if you allow the other person to pressure you than you have in fact given your permission and therefore there is nothing unfair about that agreement.
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Yes, in strictly concrete terms.

I'm just going on a hunch...I can't explain what I mean, really. It's probably just abstraction.

But, then, abstraction is what I enjoy most! So I'll just keep abstracting...to myself. :m075:

Or is it "I'll just keep abstracting myself?"

i.e. masturbation.

I just don't know anymore.

I just had an "Aha!" moment:

If you masturbate whilst in a relationship, are you not cheating on your partner with thyself?

Mind. Fuck.​
 
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subwayrider said:
I just had an "Aha!" moment:

If you masturbate whilst in a relationship, are you not cheating on your partner with thyself?

Mind. Fuck.​
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i think if you fantasize about your partner while masturbating you could 'get off' on that technicality
 
JGirl said:
i think if you fantasize about your partner while masturbating you could 'get off' on that technicality
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Heeeyyyyyyy ooooooooooooo!
 
JGirl said:
i think if you fantasize about your partner while masturbating you could 'get off' on that technicality
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That's a tough one.

For some reason, I get the image of two lawyers going back-and-forth on this issue in court.
 
subwayrider said:
Actually, all of what you said is just your conception of sex.

Some people really are just DTF.
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First off, you don't have to agree. Sex is not only what people think it is. It should also be considered from the perspective of what it was meant to be.
 
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